Fresh off the aftermath of Backlash-A-Mania…and our show tonight opens with a horrendous and disturbing image that can only be described as UGH.

Vince McMahon with the ECW Championship next to John Cena STILL in possession of the Abomination.

If there was ANYONE I didn’t want to see walk out of Backlash with gold, it was these fuckers. The ECW title officially comes out of the frying pan and into a fucking inferno - Lashley could handle Mr. Kennedy AND Randy Orton in a tables handicap match, but not ONE guy he’s beaten twice and two NON-wrestlers; one over the age of sixty. We bitch that he can’t ever lose that strap, so this is what we get. Gotta love the “E” - making shit suck harder so the other shit you thought sucked wasn’t all that bad so when we give it back to you you’ll shut the fuck up and like it. Fuck it all - I could keep ranting or just shut up, so I’m going to do the latter because him winning that belt speaks volumes for it’s fucking self. Sorry, that’s it.

Anyway, there’s some banter between the champions (double UGH!) - and for some reason Vince is acting like a black dude - until all is interrupted by one HBK. Shawn tells Cena that sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good (which could likely explain the last two plus years of Cena’s push). Vince, who is still standing there in all his extreme glory, decides to make ONE MORE MATCH between these two for tonight - one that, if HBK wins, he gets a title shot, meaning that would be their FOURTH match. This does two things: ensures that Cena will win regardless, and also ensures that last weeks great match is forgotten.

After the intro and boom-booms, we’re just getting right the fuck down to it:

EDGE vs. RANDY ORTON

This is the match that “didn’t have time to happen last week” - i.e. Orton decides to RKO the bleeding shit out of a hotel room, causing more damage than I thought a hotel room could possibly be worth and wasn’t even there to wrestle.

Edge comes out first followed by Captian Doghouse - we open with the classic staredown + slap business as the heel-fest kicks off with Orton in control early, hitting his stompy rain-dance and kneedrop followed by miscellaneous beatings and chokings. This leads to the commercial spot of Edge being knocked off the apron. Will Edge be able to bounce back? We’ll find out!

Obviously not yet, as Orton’s still piling on the ownage. Said ownage continues until Edge reaches for a handful of balls - least it appears that way - and yanks Randy into the pole. Better than just yanking Randy’s pole like it seemed when he reached….anyway, this leads to Edge quasi-Spearing Orton off the apron, where he actually bounces off the announce table.

This leads to a stall while we get the audio back up (instead of Edge following up with a killer beatdown), Orton gets back in the ring and falls victim to the stompy rain-dance and kneedrop from Edge - that’ll teach you to share your secrets, bitch. Edge now locks in a hold that I’m going to describe as a chinlock, but only if your chin was on your titty.

Orton fights out - gets wheelkicked for his efforts. Edge heads to the top rope, stopped by Orton, but Edge kicks him down and goes for some kind of move that, had he connected, would have caused no damage to anyone. Luckily for Randy, he’s able to counter this non-move with a dropkick. Both men down.

Both men up now. They begin trading blows (which is SO way past Rated R, that’s for sure….) before Orton hits the Bagshitter Backbreaker that I’m now renaming the RoomTrasher, then a powerslam for a 2 count. Edge counters with an Edge-A-somethingorother for a 2 of his own (Edge is like Sting for naming shit - Scorpion this, Edge that….). Crowd is very strangely pro-Orton as we lead to the silly-looking double cross-body spot; the double clothesline spot for them athletic types.

Edge is first up and takes the turnbuckle pad off, kicking of a heelish fucker series of many rollups with tight-pullage and pin attempts with rope assistance (somewhere in there Orton got busted open on a snake-eyes spot). Orton tries for an RKO out of nowhere, but it’s countered into the Impaler DDT (which only a few months ago was ALSO called the Edge-A-Something. GET IT STRAIGHT, PEOPLE!). Edge only gets a 2 count, so he goes for the mighty spear, which is mightily hurdled by Orton. We’re gearing up for another RKO, but Edge is ready with another spear - this one wins it for him. A shock to us all - Orton did the J-O-B.

WINNER: EDGE (NOW HAD HE BEEN A HOTEL ROOM….)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Good series of moves and counters at the end; for a split second I actually thought that Orton might have a chance.

OVERALL: Good match with as clean of an ending as one can expect from perpetual dickheads like Orton and Edge. They seemed to gel pretty well together - something Orton hasn’t been able to do with anyone lately. I’d have given it at least ONE thumb up, but Orton’s well-documented “incident” and the sub sequential slap-on-the-hand made the finish about as unpredictable as the end of a porn scene. Don’t you wish YOU were as untouchable as Randy Orton? Fuck Eliot Ness…

We get a package for the Cena/HBK rematch, which their touting as Cena/Michaels III. III, huh? It’d better not be like some other III’s, like Scary Movie III or Bloodsport III. Just because ONE of them was good doesn’t mean any to follow (or, in this case, precede) will be. Already I don’t care….

Up next - in case you forgot where the hell the IC title went, here come the reminder…

…as Re-Todd is sitting down with the IC champion Santino Marella - it’s his first interview, but let’s show you how we got here…..ok, we’re done - what do you have to say? He’s very proud and people are very proud of him. Next week is his first title defense, and he’s nervous, but he wants to keep living the dream. That’s it. I won’t start shitting on this yet because it’s the most interesting thing to happen to the IC title since Nitro was wearing it like a big floppy belt-shaped wang. And THAT, amigos, is both sad and fucked.

We then see RVD’s comments about Vince winning the ECW title - more or less saying what everyone thinks: he’s officially killed the spirit of ECW. Fuck killed it - mutilated, burned, and raped the ashes of it.

Backstage now with Vince, who refers to himself as the “King of Extreme”. I’m not even going to go there. He tells Shane to make sure that Umaga crushes RVD tonight for his comments, then they share a tender moment where they hug and Shane asks if he can hold the belt. Funny how NOW the fucking thing matters….and it’s not like Shane couldn’t just go get an ECW title made if he wanted one - hell, it’s pretty much what Vince did anyway.

MORE backstage bullshit, this time with Maria (wearing a shirt that would most definitely look better on my floor) who’s with a pissed-off Edge, who tells us he’s going to re-insert himself into the title picture because HE never lost last night and HBK keeps getting all the chances. And he’ll do this whether YOU like it or not, which means we can look forward to a run-in…

Back from break, we may have some wrestling. Cade/Murdoch are at ringside doing commentary, which means here comes the Hardys - one of them, anyway. The weird one. The “Charismatic Enigma” or whatever the fuck they used to call him “down south”.

JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO

Yay! Well, maybe. The seemingly forgotten Johnny Nitro returns to battle his former nemesis - a fact that none of the announcers even come close to playing up (I would later discover why).

Match opens with Jeff in control until, uh, Nitro is. Nitro goes RIGHT for the chinlock (because we shockingly DIDN’T see one earlier in the Edge/Orton match and all would be fucked in the land if Raw went off the air without one). Post-chinlock we go to punching from Nitro, then the SHHHHHHHHH in the Wind from Jeff (catch me!!!). Jeff follows up with a face-front suplex, Nitro bounces back with a reverse swinging neckbreaker, then goes up top. Hardy runs up there, backdrops him down, and hits the Swanton bomb for the win, all while Cade/Murdoch were doing nothing but talking praises for Jeff.

THIS is why they didn’t play up the feud - Nitro was going to be JOBBED the fuck out and it would be silly to remind people that these two were virtual equals for about 3 months. Not like I’d remember anyway; I watch Raw every week forgetting that the previous week usually pissed me off in some way.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Clean finish; no run-in from Cade/Murdoch - completely threw me off.

OVERALL: I’ve seen some terrific matches from these two. This one was not one of them; not even in the same plane of existence as them. Nitro lost WAY too quickly - it really wasn’t that long ago this same guy BEAT Jeff Hardy for the Intercontinental Title. Now he gets pretty much pwned for pretty much no reason. I guess being the IC champ a mere 5 months ago doesn’t mean shit - then again, this is the same title that we’re led to believe was won by a fucking FAN because no one cared enough to come out and challenge Umaga for it. Whatever…and fuck the “yay”, by the way.

Post match, Cade and Murdoch try to shake the hand of Jeff Hardy, but he’s all like no fucking way and leaves in all his fancy beard shaved and filthy colored hair glory.

Approaching Vince o’clock (which I’m now re-naming “McMahon o’clock”), here comes the money. Shane is out there to announce the entrance of Umaga, the Samoan Blowjob Machine (c’mon, how ELSE did a guy who got FIRED while his more-valued former tag partner get the awesome gimmick of a lackey to Shane fucking Helms get rehired with such a push to where he’s being announced to the ring by Shane McMahon and has a total of like 4 losses since? Blowjob machine, that’s how. And he knows all the what for about using that thumb…).

UMAGA vs. ROB VAN DAM

We start this match in progress, as we cut to break after the entrances. That’s the WWE microcosm right there: we televise Shane McMahon’s entrance, his breathtaking announcement of Umaga heading to the ring, and 3/4 of RVD’s entrance to the ring, but skip over the whole fucking start of the match - in a fucking nutshell, kids. Anyway, Umaga is, of course, in control. RVD squeezes a tiny flurry in, but is Samoan Dropped for his efforts. I wonder if, in Samoa, when people are carrying shit, they’re always carrying it across their backs instead of in their arms, so any time they drop their luggage or a basket of apricots or something, it causes them to tip over backwards instead of just hit the ground, hence the term?

Probably not at fucking all, actually.

Back to reality, RVD tries to slam Umaga, but is crushed under the weight of his push and his ass. This leads to more Umaga offense, but, alas, RVD finds a tiny chink in the armor and applies the EXTREME…(dun dun dun)…….CHAMPIONSHIP…………SSSSSSSSSSLEEPERHOLD. Nothing embodies extreme (or Rob Van Dam, for that matter) like the most boring fucking hold of all time. It’s called the SLEEPerhold. It doesn’t just apply to the dude getting sleepered.

But it seems to be working, as Umaga starts to fade. Then he decides he’s not fading any longer and dumps RVD to the floor. Umaga goes after him, RVD returns to the extreme sleeper. This one results in RVD getting ran into the stairs. May want to give up on the sleeper….RVD (complete with post-Five Star Frog Splash face) rolls back into the ring, gets headbutted, but avoids the running Ass of Doom.

This leads to an RVD comeback with some actual RVD offense (including some kicks, prompting another ridiculous JR “educated feet” reference - something about the right one being the valedictorian. Fucking A….”his feet are so educated, they have doctorates!” “Those feet have received multiple scholarships at various accredited universities around the nation” “Rob Van Dam’s feet are double-majoring in pain and swiftness!” Stupid.) , ending with a Rolling Thunder for all of a one count.

Ending = fucky as RVD now goes for the Five Star, but apparently Umaga grabs the throat of RVD (while still taking the frog splash full-on, but never mind that) and gets RIGHT up to THUMB the life right out of him - for three seconds, anyway.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: RVD didn’t get completely buried.

OVERALL:  Strangely, Shane McMahon did nothing at ringside. Another clean finish, plus the fact that it was RVD on Raw, saved this match from (ironically) two THUMBS down instead of just one. Otherwise, it was just like every other fucking Umaga match ever. And now that he’s a tool of the McMahons, the above score is likely the highest you’ll ever see from an Umaga match.

They tell us Cena/HBK III is up next…

….but first, we go backstage with FlairLito. Carlito apologies to Ric for last week and tells him that he got them a match against the Worlds Greatest Tag Team to prove that he’s a winner - because who would be easier to beat in a tag match than the fucking WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM? I am unsure when this match is to take place if our main event is next.

Ok. That’s why. There will BE no Cena/Michaels III (now if only there were no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III). HBK music plays and plays, until we see a backstage shot of HBK all beat down and KO’d. After commercial, a small crowd has gathered around Shawn trying to solve the mystery of who beat him down. Coach accuses Cena, who becomes my favorite wrestler for all of seven seconds when he throws Coach against the wall and he whimpers like a little bitch. Vince shows up and DEMANDS everyone discovers whodunit - the mystery is on!

HBK’s unexpected beatdown was SO unexpected and shocking and obviously NOT supposed to happen that they already had the tag match planned. Fucks.

FLAIRLITO vs. WGTT (ABBREVIATED AS TO NOT EMBARASS THE TEAM BY REMINDING THEM THAT THEY ARE SO NOT)

Flair/Haas start out. Flair does fine, then Carlito comes in and the heels take over. Carlito shows a burst of offense and nearly breaks his damn neck with a hurrincanrana, but after that the formula kicks into cruise control and the “frequent tag isolation heels both beat down face when face partner tries to make save” is what we get for the next few minutes on Carlito. Naturally, Carlito counters a move by Benjamin that hurts him too, and he drags his ass over to FINALLY make the hot tag to Flair. Carlito doesn’t leave the ring though….could this be it? Yep. From a mile away, El Gringo calls the heel turn as Carlito nails Flair with a clothesline. Ric, however, doesn’t just crumble in a heap and get left to be pinned by the WGTT. Nope - even the WORLD’S GREATEST team don’t get to clean this one up as Flair fights Carlito back all the way up the ramp, while Barbie looks on in horror. She’ll be fine - next couple weeks she’ll find a new stick to pogo and she can get back to work on that whore bingo card. Go for “another girl”. I guarantee it would be more interesting that “old man” or “Puerto Rican” or “son of Ric Flair” or “has-been cruiserweight” or “Japanese Buzzsaw” or…fuck it, you get my point.

WINNER: NO ONE (BUT MOST DEFINITELY NOT FLAIRLITO)

BEST PART OF MATCH: The only thing that mattered: Carlito’s long awaited return to the dark side. Now THAT’S fucking cool.

OVERALL: The actual match was nearly a carbon copy of their other one, only this time we don’t even get the courtesy of a finish here. I don’t know why they didn’t ring the bell and just give it to the WGTT - how bad did these guys fuck up so bad to not even be granted a count-out win over a team that was de-existing right in front of them? Other than the heel turn, it was blah-tastic.

Backstage, the trainers find EDGE beat the fuck down this time - who could be committing these heinous acts? It’s like a murder mystery, but without the blood or killing - but plenty of bodies lying around! Coach immediately assumes it’s Orton’s doing, so they set out on an Orton quest. Check the women’s locker room first.

Back from break and I am given quite a treat out of nowhere: KENNEDY!!! My favorite guy in all the WWE parades to the ring and gets on his mic to tell everyone right away that he didn’t take out Edge and HBK because he doesn’t need to do that to get a title shot - he’s got the Money in the Bank. He then teases the crowd by asking them if he wants him to cash it in tonight (*cheers*), then says nope (*you suck*). He responds to the “you suck” chants by saying “I don’t suck, because I have this.”. I love this guy. He then announces that, unlike Edge, he’s going to tell us the date he’s cashing the contract in: Wrestlemania 24. Smart fucking man. I’ve set my 50 bucks aside already. And that’s all he’s got to say……Kennedy…..

Suddenly, we go backstage, and ORTON is laid out now! It REALLY seems like some Scooby-Doo mystery shit now. Now it just has to end with Coach pulling off his face to reveal HHH….Zoiks, Scoob!!!

Coach is backstage now with Vince - he has no idea what’s going on, but Mr. McMahon does (imagine that) and he tells Coach to find Cena, as the guy responsible for this will confront him in the ring tonight. Oooooh - exciting.

And JUST when you thought 10:49 was too late for it….

DIVA-TABULAR TAG MATCH - THE VERY SAME ONE FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO

MILENA/VICTORIA vs. MICKIE/CANDICE (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT NOW FOUR TIMES THE POINTLESSNESS AS THIS IS THE EPIC REMATCH!)

A war of “Diva swimsuit shoots” vs. “You’ve seen our squish mittens” - naturally the ones you’ve seen in the nude are the faces. Match begins with Milena and Candice - back & forth girl-on-girl action complete with screaming and hair-pulling, and no where near as cool as I just made it sound.

Victoria eventually gets involved after Mickie gets the tag, smashing her against the apron before Milena gets the tag, who hits Mickie with a tree-of-woe leapfrog spot. Mickie finally makes the tag to Candice, who kind-of lands a kind-of headscissors before things get all cluster-fucky and cat-fightish, leading to Candice stealing a win with a small package on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDICE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: There wasn’t really anything particularly hot about this match, so if I HAVE to pick something, I’d say it was seeing Candice utilizing the small package - giving every one of you hope that one day, she’ll utilize YOUR small package also.

OVERALL: Same ol’ chicky-match bullshit. Very obviously just filler.

Cena’s heading to the ring for the non-existent main event looking like someone stole his lunch money.

After the final break, the music hits and Cena wastes NO time getting to the ring. No salute? You disrespectful fuck, you!

Cena Reaction Report: Loud, but high-pitched cheers.

Cena’s on the mic - someone is obviously trying to get his attention. As per usual, he’s right here and if you want some - come get some. He strips and gets ready for a fight, because he never backs down, y’know….and he’s waiting….still waiting…..and then it happens. The entranceway pukes and out comes my worst nightmare.

The Punjabi Pile himself - the Great Khali.

After I say “fuck” a few times, I look up from kicking my recliner to see the epic battle of no sell vs. no understand sell unfold - Khali is pretty much destroying Cena, while simultaneously doing something else impossible: he’s actually got the whole crowd universally cheering for John Cena. Success in one department, but oh, so many failures still remaining in the others. Cena does go for the F-U, fails, and gets the chokebomb, leading to an image that invokes such conflicting feelings within me that I’m afraid I may destroy myself: Khali standing with one foot on a completely owned John Cena holding the championship. And that’s what we end Raw on - fuck off with the lot of you.

Let the build towards the worst title match of all time begin.

OVERALL SHOW: This show had some high points; Edge/Orton’s solid match, Carlito finally growing a pair and turning heel, and the surprise appearance of Mr. Kennedy, but it also - putting it lightly - had some low points. Hence the “fuck you”. We just saw the biggest suck-pile in the WWE get put over the ENTIRE order of contendership (including the champion himself) while simultaneously having to process the fact that Vince McMahon is the ECW champion (which means the belt will be defended in ECW even LESS than before - what the fuck is the point again?). I can only hope for Cena’s unfuckwithable push and inability to lose will come out with full-on Marine guns a’blazin’ and this shit dies and goes away with a mighty FU before it has a chance to suck away any remaining desire to give any sort of fuck about the fate of the Spinner belt. Course, then again, if Khali wins, that means the Spinner might go the fuck away AND it would prove that Cena CAN lose that belt by him being pinned in a real match. What a fucked up position they’ve put me in. Damn you, assholes……DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!

Back once again with the flava in ya ear….er….eyes? El Gringo is bringing you, CircleJerks, another phe-goddamn-nomenal & awesomely cool TOP 11 list!!! This one features the top 11 wrestlers never to see a major world title reign, but most definitely should have. There are a few ground rules to my list here:

First - only the top and most meaningful titles in a promotion count. No US or Intercontinental or TV titles or any of those seemingly less and less meaningful championships.

Second - only World Titles from major televised North American promotions are being counted (WWF/E, NWA/WCW, ECW, and now TNA) ; basically, if the majority of the world doesn’t even know that it happened or the promotion was never on the TV, it’s obviously not a big enough “world” title. Also, if it happened (or didn’t happen) elsewhere in the world, you guys don‘t really care. I’m not typing this in Japanese, am I?

Third - “World” Tag Team Championships don’t count.

Fourth - only wrestlers/titles from the last 30 years are being counted here - this was the era wrestling truly evolved from and when the titles started to gain their prestige. Also, the guys from this era are the guys people that would read a list such as this would actually know and give two shits about. Always important to have my readers giving shits.

Lastly - the wrestler in question has to be no longer actively wrestling. And not like Hogan, where you’re not really sure if he’s done going to Vince and wanting one more run. Done in the ring, save for the truly occasional appearance. Or they’re dead….(sigh)

Now that the bullshit is out of the way - ON TO THE 11! (which gets a bit wordy as I felt the need to give these guys huge props - if you don’t like reading just skip to the numbers. Lazy ass.)

(Quick Note - “Ravishing” Rick Rude was to be on this list, but after a bit of research, and to avoid the fucking e-mails telling me I’m not following my own criteria, I removed him Here’s why. Rick Rude did beat Ric Flair for what would have been the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. However, long story short, WCW was forced to withdraw from the NWA when this happened (in a TV taping). So, to cover their ass, the belt was re-named the WCW International World Heavyweight Championship (International World? That’s like saying “locally global”), which was later merged with the WCW World Championship, which Rude did not win. However, even though he was never officially recognized as NWA World Champion, he was booked to win the belt before NWA told WCW to fuck off and to give back the name “NWA Champion”. So on a technicality, Rick Rude got his title reign)

11. Earthquake

You’re probably all thinking “why the fuck?”….but here’s why the fuck: When I was growing up watching wrestling, one of the most vivid memories I had was Earthquake crushing Hulk Hogan with the big sitdown thingy he used to do and I remember, as a little Hulkamaniac, being crushed myself. The image of Hulk selling the splash like he’d been shot with a tazer and a merciless Earthquake standing over top of him is still burned into my skull. Now, in my unfortunate older years, I now know why angles like that happen: so wrestlers can go poison the world doing non-wrestling shit in what has now become free time! In this case I’m sure it was some atrocious Hogan “movie”, but back then I thought he was going to fucking die. I even sent the sonofabitch a get well card….shut up. I bought every second of it. But back to why (the fuck) he should have been a world champion. First of all, he punked out Hogan pretty bad (and he’s a fucking IMMORTAL so you either have to cut off his head or apparently sitting on his chest with rope-ran force will do the trick). But here’s the most important reason: WARRIOR was champion during Quake’s big run at the top. The history of what Warrior eventually did for/to the business is something most of us as fans would probably like to forget (hell, in a roundabout way he almost paralyzed the British Bulldog, not to mention the laundry list of miscellaneous crazy bullshit). So let’s do exactly that and forget it - forget HIM. Hogan would still be champion, as he’d live out a dream and main-event Wrestlemania 6 by himself. But when Ego-Mania took over and he felt like he HAD to go waste some celluloid somewhere with his “acting”, the Quake would have been there to keep the belt warm till he came back and won it. No Warrior anywhere. Fuck him - Long live John Tenta and his phantom title reign!

10. Lance Storm

This guy was quite possibly the most underrated wrestler of all time. A perfect example of trying to squeeze lemonade out of a brick. Everywhere this guy went after ECW, they tried to make him something he truly wasn’t (especially WWE). He was always just a straightforward, technically sound wrestler - something the business didn’t need by the time he got to the big two. They already had Chris Benoit, and apparently one is enough. I for one would have loved to see Storm pushed properly and built to having a 45 minute fucking wrestling clinic with HBK or someone end with a title reign (even if it was short). Or just win it with a rollup while pulling the tights - that seems to be the guaranteed pinfall these days. He retired without ever being given the chance - he was like a (warning lame metaphor alert) Hyundai mechanic in a world of American cars; had the tools, just no one gave him shit to work on with them.

9. Greg Valentine

He’d pretty much hit his prime before our list cutoff begins, but he should still be recognized as one of the greatest heels ever. One of the first guys to use the “I’ll really fuckin’ hurt you so watch the fuck out” gimmick, he worked stiff and people HATED the guy back in the day…maybe even a couple days. He was a pioneer for doing what he did when he did it (an extremely fucking obvious statement, but it sounds good) and a wrestler like Valentine existing today would be pushed to fucking Mars. Once he got to WWF, he was pretty much saddled with pointless face turns, random team-ups (including his ridiculous black hair experiment with one Honky Tonk Man in Rhythm & Blues - he had to feel awkward as all fuck in that gimmick), and an all-around “meh” was the wrestling worlds general opinion of him after a few Wrestlemania appearances. He should have been honored for what he did and pushed with the strengths he had. Being allowed to “dance with who brought him to the dance” after he got to Vince-Land should have netted him at least one major title reign. Oh, yeah - Hogan was there. He had no chance. Sorry Greg.

8. Davey Boy Smith

The Bulldog was a perfect example of “not quite enough” when it came to the bookers and the world championship. He had the look THEN that seems to dominate the landscape today of all the guys pushed to the top. He was sound in the ring, had a good wrestling pedigree (not the kind that “NO ONE KICKS OUT OF”, but in the fact that he was trained by, and became a member of, the Hart Family in Stampede), and just had something about him that got him naturally over with the crowd no matter what. That last fact is something that very few “superstars” have anymore - most of the time, they get a canned push that the crowd, many times, will completely reject. Smith could have been bigger than his Intercontinental/European title pushes - as illustrated by his brief return to WWE in 1999 (after a less-than-lackluster stint in WCW) that thrust him directly to the main even, and even in a title match (granted, it was one that featured 5 other guys and one of those guys was one Triple H, making his chances of winning his first world title somewhere between the likelihood of banging Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel at the same time and the chance of Vince actually acknowledging that TNA exists). The Bulldog went to the kennel in the sky in 2002 - taking with him a wrestler that would have been champion at nearly any other point in wrestling history save for the one he wrestled in. Bummer.

7. Arn Anderson

The Four Horsemen. Any wrestling fan worth their salt (what the hell does that even mean?) associates two guys with the possibly the most well known stable in wrestling history. McMichael and Roma? Fuck you - get out of my pool. I don’t even need to say it, so I’ll type it instead: Flair and Anderson. Flair’s a 16 time (WHOOOOO) world champion. Arn’s a 0 time (BOOOOOO) world champion. His mic skills were ahead of their time; it was his ability to talk that pretty much created the “Horsemen” idea itself. Like many on this list, he had many other title reigns (in Arn’s case, tag team gold), but like ALL on this list, was never given the singles push to climb to the top prize - that role was given to the more flamboyant Ric Flair. Few could cut a promo like Arn, and if he would have come around about 10 years later, the strap would have been his. Remember this every time JR calls it a “Double A Spinebuster” - the guy ripping off the move had won 10 world titles on about half the presence and skill of Double A himself. This ranking is not reflective of his recent decision to put Bob Holly over all of ECW. Fuck him for that, but the WRESTLER had all the qualifications of a world champion.

6. Scott Hall

Some might think it a travesty that this dudes name is higher on the list than those who paved the way for him. Here’s the big kick for “The Bad Guy”: POPULARITY. Scott Hall was one of the most popular wrestlers of his time: both as Razor Ramon and his “self-titled album” version. I’ll put it this way - the guy was able to take the total fucking cheezeball gimmick of “Razor fucking Ramon” and turn him into a 4-time Intercontinental Champion. He called it “oozing machismo”, but the rest of us know it as “charisma”. Can anyone argue that then-main-eventer and former champ Yokozuna was more popular than Razor? Didn’t think so. He has the distinction of being the other guy in the now-famous ladder match at WM X and for a big man was able to totally pull it off. Going to WCW further proved his popularity as he was the first TRUE shot fired (fuck Luger - the nWo was the reason for the war) in what would become the Monday Night Wars and later on would basically phone in every appearance and half-ass every match and promo he did and he’d STILL be one of the most popular guys on the roster, which allowed him to keep his job for as long as he did. It also helped he was real life good buddies with Nash, who was as big of a backstage politician you can get. It’s rare you see that kind of popularity combined with an established main event push and don’t see a world title involved….but ultimately, that’s probably Scott Hall’s own fault. He missed his own chance, but few fans would have objected had he been given the strap.

5. Curt Hennig

Another fantastic in-ring performer who very much seemed ahead of his time. Considering the amount of superb matches this guy was able to put on with many former world champions, it really is disappointing that “Mr. Perfect” didn’t get one himself. Seems kind of silly that a “perfect” wrestler wouldn’t win the main championship….Anyway, Hennig was one of those guys who paid his dues in the business and had all the tools of a champion. So, like most wrestlers in the WWF during this time, he got the Intercontinental Championship….whoohooo! But, in defense, it was guys like Hennig that legitimized the IC championship during “Ego-Mania”; it became the belt that the WRESTLERS went after. In later years, a strong IC title reign would lead to a strong World title reign (see Austin, Steve, Rock, The, H, Triple, and Angle, Kurt to name a few), but here a strong IC title reign for Perfect would lead to - hanging out with Ric Flair while HE got to win ANOTHER championship. From this point on, Hennig would end up doing all kinds of shit: color commentating, guest refereeing, managing, joining the nWo, hating rap, returning to Vince-Land for one last go, then eventually dying of “complications from acute cocaine intoxication”. Sad. Perfect wasn’t involved in many high-profile feuds for World championships, but his name (both of them) is still remembered today over many of yesterdays stars. That is because he was an awesome wrestler who brought out the best in his opponents and himself; Bret Hart himself has said that Hennig was one of his best opponents. The Excellence Of Execution has spoken: If Bret says you’re the bomb, then you’re the fucking bomb (which defaults you into the list right there).

4. Owen Hart

The most tragic death in wrestling history. There shouldn’t have been any doubt in anyone’s mind that Owen Hart would have been more than deserving of a world championship had his career continued as it should have. I don’t want to bitch about this too much, but Owen was my personal favorite wrestler in Vince-Land since the silly “High Energy” shit with Koko B Ware. I loved everything the guy did. The Blue Blazer shit was monkey-jar retarded and he should have never been in those rafters. That out of the way - he’s a fucking Hart. After WM X’s match with Brother Bret (and the feud to follow), Owen became a lock in the mid card of the WWF - and I do mean “a LOCK”; other than a feud with a quasi-heel DX (HHH/HBK circa 1997-1998, not the belly-chopping, Raw-owning, HBK-gets-his-ass-kicked-in-until-he-makes-the-hot-tag-and-the-ring-bows-to-the-king-and-his-unfuckwithable-finisher duo circa 2006) as he never moved from there until the Blazer gimmick with Jarrett - and look what ‘ol Double J’s done since then! But Owen would never get the chance - either Vince was still vindictive over Harts in general, or he simply dismissed Owen as he does many mid-card talents as always being there to fill any role you ask of him because he’s a company guy and can make any meatbag look good in the ring. But alas, the great talent that lied within “The King Of Harts” would abruptly leave the world of wrestling on that fateful day in May, 1999. Despite never actually being given the ball, Owen Hart would be easily considered by many fans (and probably many wrestlers as well) to forever be a champion, and there is no doubt in MY mind that somehow, someway he would have truly achieved that goal if he were still with us today. Sorry ’bout the downer on this entry….

3. Ted DiBiase

Money, money, money, money, moneyyyyy……everyone has a price. “The Million Dollar Man” was probably the greatest heel gimmick ever. DiBiase got the right kind of heat; not the infamous “X-Pac” heat or “Fire Jarrett” heat. People just loved to hate the guy, and he loved to be hated as well. He was able to pull this gimmick off with flying colors (he even practically owned a slave), and it shot him to wrestling immortality as there are few wrestling fans out there that don’t know of the Million Dollar Man and his Million Dollar Championship, despite the fact that he was heel for his entire active wrestling career (a rarity these days). He was also very skilled in the ring and was somehow able to seem like a rich pompous ass even while simply wrestling; such as when he would shove $100 bills in the mouths of those he put to sleep with the “Million Dollar Dream”. One of the best examples of playing the gimmick was when he tried to buy the championship from Hogan, which unfortunately ended with him having to wrestle him for it and therefore not winning the strap. He was involved in the “screwjob” where he got Andre to win the belt from Hogan FOR him, which he did on a controversial (not “John Cena” controversial) two/three count. That whole debacle lead to him main-eventing Wrestlemania 4 as one of two finalists in a tournament for the vacant championship, which would lock his place in history as the only man to be in a Wrestlemania World Championship main event match and never once actually take the strap - not then and not ever. His career would then spiral downward from there as he went to tag wrestling (where he was actually able to get the gimmick of I.R.S. over just because he was associated with him) and then to managing full-time after 1993 in both WWE & WCW before retiring after holding ZERO major singles championships. Now, granted, the gimmick really didn’t need a championship; he could buy his own - and that belt was much cooler anyway. But that’s kind of a cop-out; Ted DiBiase will always be one of the most remembered wrestlers of all time. He defined the “love to hate” heel, and pretty much paved the way for a character like JBL - who got a world championship reign of his own, which is a pretty damn good indicator of the treatment that Ted would have gotten at any other point in WWE history. A glaring omission from the great champions of his era and THE model heel.

2. Jake Roberts

First of all, this was practically a tie between DiBiase and Jake Roberts, but I had to give it to Jake based on the simple fact that he never held ANY championships in either WWF or WCW. I say fuck that. Jake had three strong points: psychology, psychology, psychology. The lost art. Jake “The Snake” knew how to make everything just seem as real as it needed to be. He was just cool as hell - he had that “it” factor that just makes someone a star. He wasn’t the biggest guy or the fastest guy or even the best wrestler in the business. But he had “it”. Roberts was also one of the best talkers in the history of wrestling with the uncanny ability to pull you in when he spoke; he had the charisma of a cult leader. Just look at the guys he feuded with during his high career point in WWF (he would later in life have many “high points”): Steamboat, Hogan, Andre, Warrior, Savage, Taker - somebody obviously felt that he was a star. But like most deserving stars during this time period, Ego-Mania was thoroughly running wild and stopping anyone who might challenge the throne of popularity. The Snake was another perfect example of a guy who’d be the greatest star of his time had he come around (and reached his prime) in a world without Hogan. But this world doesn’t exist to my knowledge, so damn it all it never happened. Now in the contrary to this, Jake would have probably had a chance to not be on this list had he not burned out so fast on those infamous “personal demons” that JR always talks about. Basically, during the one point in his career that he WAS deserving, he was never given the shot. As those times passed us by, Jake Roberts passed into basically becoming a junkie and never being the same again, so even if they wanted to right a wrong and give him one reign just because, there was, quite simply, no fucking way that would have happened. On that note, there is definitely something to be said about the man’s undying popularity in the wrestling world when they KNOW he’s nearly a crackhead and yet federations (INCLUDING WWE) will still bring him back for appearances because they know he’s still a draw - just his name is a bigger draw than half the WWE roster. Christ - he INVENTED the DDT (where the hell would we be without it?). That’s deserving of a championship reign in itself. At least ONE belt of SOME kind anyway…

1. Roddy Piper

A fucking travesty. This is the most glaring omission on the list of title histories. The single most deserving man of a world championship. Period. Whatever other punctuation you prefer. Piper was a once-in-a-lifetime performer. The kilt, the bagpipes, and the quickest wit in the history of wrestling. Piper was (and still is considered) on of the greatest icons in pro wrestling history. Hulk Hogan likely wouldn’t have been as universally loved as he was had it not been for Piper being as despised as he was - Piper himself said this in a promo when he got to WCW. But like all great heels, people eventually just started to love to see the guy and see just what the hell he would do next. There was no Roddy Piper before him, and there has yet to be anyone like him to follow. There are many who associate the WWF with Piper just as much as Hogan, yet Piper never got to wear the strap. The argument on Piper’s DVD “Born To Controversy” (which I intend to review in the future) as to why he was never champion was simply “Roddy didn’t need the championship to be popular”. If only they’d use that thinking today; the second somebody gets popular, they shove a belt on them where it seems to lose more and more meaning each day as it rots on someone who was arguably MORE popular when the weren’t the focus of every major feud (see Cena, John and Batista, Dave). Piper may not have needed it, but that’s just it - he was THAT popular. Whether he needed it or not, it sure would have been nice for him to be able to go down in history as a former world champion. Blame Hogan for this one - at the apex of his popularity in WWF, he was feuding with Hogan, but never got a chance to win the title. After that, he faded into the upper mid-card but remained one of the most popular wrestlers in the world and ensure that “Piper’s Pit” would have more than its fair share of classic unforgettable moments. As his WWF career sputtered out, he jumped to WCW and back into a feud with a now-heel (and then champion) Hollywood Hogan and the NWO, which Piper’s highest point came from a submission victory in a NON-TITLE match in 1996. Yep - NON-title. That’s because Hogan was going to lose. If his “politicking” kept Piper down in WWF, it pretty much kicked him in the nuts when he got to WCW. Speaking of WCW, here’s a fun fact: Piper never won the WCW Heavyweight Title, but he is featured as the champion in WCW’s Nintendo 64 game “WCW Revenge”. In the electronic world, Piper is recognized for his achievements. But in the “real” world, Piper’s career would come to a close with no world championship reign to his credit - the greatest wrestler ever never to do so. God damn Ego-Mania, brother….

As always, feedback is appreciated. Especially if you agree and want to tell me so.

Hey, ya’ll - due to System Crash’s absence this week (We killed him. We’re working on the cyborg technology to bring him back; unfortunately he was the technological one….fuck….), El Gringo will be reviewing the formerly awesome now formerly tolerable one Thursday hour known as TNA iMPACT! (complete with terRible PlAcement of LoWer cASe and CapitaL letTerS). It’s coming to me twice taped; once some time last week whenever TNA does their thing, and once due to my greater interest in the NBA playoffs. Fucking Kobe Bryant…

Oh, yeah - there’s a show to be covered. Apparently, said show is opening with the big huge fucking main event that they decided to give away on TV…

STING vs. KURT ANGLE - WINNER GETS A TITLE SHOT AT SACRIFICE

Seeing these guys in the ring is actually a big deal, but it quickly turns (and I do mean QUICKLY) to not such a big deal at all (more like rubbish) when we see approximately four moves from each of them before Christian Cage’s posse (AJ Styles, Tomko, and Steiner, for those of you keeping track at home) runs in and just takes them both out. Thanks for being the “alternative” wrestling show, TNA….”We are wrestling - and run-ins, too….”. Assholes. I guess I didn’t expect them to give this one away. Here’s an idea then. DON’T BOOK IT.

WINNER: THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYONE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: I guess I will say that when Sting/Angle finally DO lock up, I won’t feel like I just paid for a PPV and was already given the match. So I’ll say the best part is putting the hammer down on future PPV suckage.

OVERALL: The middle goes to the booking of this cocktease of a match, and the side would be a hardcore down if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s still the first time we’d EVER seen Angle lock up with Sting. I think the whole thing would have been better if it was one still picture of that moment.

We’re far from finished, however, as the Christian Coalition keep on beating up Angle/Sting while the bell needlessly rings and rings. While Sting gets stuck outside trying the best he can to sell the sitting chinlock known as the Steiner Recliner, Cage gets busy with some weak-looking chairshots on Angle while he’s being held to the turnbuckles, then followed up by a gnarly looking DDT on said chair. Cage finally goes TOO FAR when he goes for the Unprettier on the same chair, as Sting comes back to life and makes the save, throwing a chair at Christian as he scurries away (and actually almost clocks him with it).

Apparently Angle is totally fucked up and needs medical attention. He won a gold medal with a BROKEN FREAKIN NECK. He’ll be fine….

….I guess not as they wheel him out - sorry, “stretcher” him out of the Impact Zone. It’s really hard for me to buy this sell…but I’m going to fucking have to, aren’t I?

This leads to a Christian (and Co.) promo w/ JB - he basically pimps himself and points out the fact that now it’s just Sting and himself for the belt at the PPV, in a match that hasn’t been named yet but eventually will have some retarded stipulation as soon as someone catches that it’s just a “match” match. We then find out that tonight, Tomko & Steiner have a shot at Team 3D for the tag team titles. See what happens when you split up all the teams all at once, jackasses? Now we’re stuck with the most WWE tag team match you could possibly have with your current roster (I take that back, VKM is still floating around there somewhere trying to get their old jobs back after trashing them…).

This whole charade is suddenly interrupted by Don West, who mentions that Cornette just called him to give a message to Cage, saying that because he’s an asshole sandwich, he has to defend the title against Sting TONIGHT, and if his Co. interferes, then he loses and forfeits the title to Sting. Cue the bitch, moan, bitch…..so now apparently it’s Sting vs. Cage for the belt - I’m not falling for it again, motherfuckers…..

SUICIDE STAMPEDE MATCH TO DETERMI-

WAIT. WHAT THE FUCK IS A SUICIDE STAMPEDE MATCH?

ITS RULES ARE SIMPLE:

- HAVE COMPLICATED RULES TO THE MATCH

- FOUR TEAMS

- YOU CAN’T TAG IN YOUR PARTNER

- YOU CAN’T MAKE ANY SENSE

- BOTH OF THE WINNING PARTNERS FACE SABIN IN A 3-WAY FOR THE X-TITLE AT SACRIFICE

- THE MATCH MUST HAVE A RETARDED NAME

- IT’S MUST NOT JUST FOCUS ON THE WRESTLING OF THE X-DIVISION

NOW THAT WE’RE CLEAR - SUICIDE STAMPEDE MATCH: JERRY LYNN/PETEY WILLIAMS vs. KAZ/ALEX SHELLEY vs. JAY LETHAL/SONJAY DUTT vs. SHARK BOY/SENSHI

Why the fuck are Joe, AJ AND Daniels all out of the X-Division at the same time? No answer. This match has too much crap to call - just know it was entirely too confusing, but the wrestlers were able to pull some good stuff, from it, including the last spot of the match that saw Senshi do a huge leap to the outside from the top rope onto about 75 percent of the matches’ participants, which lead to the top-rope elbowdrop from Lethal to seal the win for himself and Dutt.

Side note - how silly is it that the most popular X-division wrestler is a direct ripoff of Randy Savage. Nothing says no limits quite like neon and top-rope axehandle smashes….That was awesome! That was awesome!

WINNERS: LETHAL/DUTT (BOTH WILL FACE SABIN FOR X-TITLE @ SACRIFICE)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Despite its length, the guys were able to get some good little spots in all around.

OVERALL:Big time effort, but no big time itself. Waaaay too short with a very predictable ending, as Lethal just kicked off a feud with Sabin after Lockdown. This stupid convoluted clusterfucky method of booking needs to die and go to hell - we didn’t need a “Super Duck Suicide Showdown Extravaganza on a Pole” match to determine that Jay Fucking Lethal is the NEXT guy in a match against GUESS WHAT the guy he nearly beat at the last PPV. Would have been two side thumbs, but the stupid ass match type earned my thumb-down-ness. And shit.

Oh, and after the match Sonjay teases heel. Well, he IS Indian - he could go with that…..

JB with Sting now backstage - he asks him about the title shot (with an insanely fucking annoying strobe light going the ENTIRE time), to which Sting basically says tonight is SHOWTIME!!!!!!! Yep.

Now, we get a history package surrounding Eric Young/Robert Roode’s history. At least it’s not a direct recap of what you JUST saw, or a trailer for the Condemned….

Roode is in the ring and he DEMANDS to know who Eric Young’s friend is that’s been advising him. EY tells him that all he has is his friends, family, wrestling, and his word - which he’s keeping here tonight; even if he fires him for it. Roode gives no fucks and DEMANDS yet again (since it worked so well two minutes ago), but this time he slaps him a couple times and dares Eric to hit him….and he finally does! Yay, it’s actually going somewhere; it’s like sitting at a train crossing while a train just SITS on the tracks blocking your road. EY beats on him for a bit, then gets ahold of Tits Brooks, whom he powerbombs the crap out of. She takes it like a champ, however, and is up to crack him in the nuts after about a minute or so. He should have hit her with the F-U. She’d STILL be down and this was taped two weeks ago. Roode now takes back over and starts hitting Eric with a chair, then handcuffs him and threatens to scramble his brains to make it easier on the zombies. Actually, he just REALLY wants to know who his friend is - and gives him three seconds to tell him. On second #3, JARRETT comes out and reveals himself as the pal of EY. He clears the ring of Roode, smashes Tits with a guitar (after NEARLY stalling like a puss) and helps EY out of handcuffs & to the back.

Jeff Jarrett official “turning complete face after being hated asshole” checklist

Join Team Angle

LET Sting win match AND title shot

Weep in front of Impact Zone

Back the most solid face in TNA as he battles one of TNA’s top heels

Not swerve and hit the FACE with the guitar

Snap Scott Steiner’s neck

Keep Kevin Nash away from the X-Division

Hand money to audience

FIRE RUSSO

Just a couple items left….

And NOW we get the Condemned preview (during commercials).

Upon return, LAX is at the broadcast booth gearing up for the tag title match that they’re not involved in, but likely will be anyway. By the way, Konnan’s flashing his gang signs backwards at us - who the fuck is “AL”?

Before the match takes place, we’re backstage with Steiner/Tomko, where Steiner a ridiculously cryptic and moronic promo (we’re talking Warrior cryptic…). I refuse to transcribe it verbatim, as doing so would cause my brain to liquefy and yours to scurry out of your skull via nose and ear holes in search of an escape. It did, however, contain the following niblets of interest:

- Scott hates prepositions. All of them.

- He’s the most decorated athlete in…uh….the…uh..

- By himself, he’s one of the most decorated tag teams ever

- TOMKO is stupid

- He dots his “T’s” and crosses his “I’s”. NOT A TYPO.

Tomko ends this segment the way the whole planet would have - by calling Steiner a moron (to his back, of course). I would really like to turn the captioning on for Steiner just once, or they should give him subtitles like Don Vito. It’s as if his brain is a perpetually shaking Boggle board and whatever words get formed (or DON’T get formed) are what he spouts. This had better be an act - a man truly that dumb is a threat to himself and the planet. If this is so, he must put himself inside a Steiner Recliner of his own - only this one is electrified and is really not a recliner nor related to Steiner in any way.

TEAM 3D vs. SCOTT STEINER/TOMKO - NWA TAG TEAM TITLES

Tomko/Devon start out, but things get boring and formulaic quickly - a couple tags, heels dominating, hot tag eventually back to Devon, who hits a powerslam on Tomko for the first 2 count of the match - saved by Steiner. As 3D goes for the age-old “Whaaaaasup” spot, LAX gets involved by…..uh….attacking Tomko/Steiner? Hernandez tries to low-bridge Tomko, and Homicide has a top rope dive onto him that is countered into a bomb (no power anywhere near it). But this is enough distraction for 3D to swipe the win. I confused….expecially now as it appears that LAX is having issues with Steiner/Tomko as they scuffle. ?

WINNER: TEAM 3D

BEST PART OF MATCH: Nearly jack - just the fact that LAX was there. We’ll go with that.

OVERALL: The side thumb comes with criteria; since the match was overall weak, stupid, and pointless, it should have gotten 2 down - however, if it was designed to test LAX as faces against a perma-heel Steiner and ToMEHko, then I’ll go with that. If you disappoint, live on knowing your side thumb is now a DOWN thumb, fuckers!

Paparazzi Productions - wasting X-division stars one career at a time (damn hilarious, though): this time Sabin and Shelley fuck with Mr. Backlund. A gut buster. I wish they’d spend more time on wrestling now and again, since, y’know, “TNA - we ARE wrestling”. Yeah. And the “E” in “WWE” stands for “Entertainment……”

Another Christian Cage promo, another self-pimping before his title match - few can pull off as well as the Instant Classic. If you don’t know, now you know.

STING vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE - NWA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

Sting jumps Cage during the entrance, choking him with his fancy sparkly coat before tossing him in the ring and taking early control before the final break.

Upon return (at 9:57, might I add - fucking assholes), Cage and his heelish ways are in control now until he misses a top-rope headbutt…

*ALERT* Mike Tenay tells us in mid-match that next week, TNA presents WWE IS IMPACT as we’ll see a throw-together tag team of singles guys (Samoa Joe and Rhino) against Team 3D (ALL FACES - WM 23 anyone???!!?) for the NWA Tag Team titles! That’s not all! Gail Kim will battle Jackie Moore in a STREET FIGHT involving NO STREETS and very little fighting! Not announced, but sure to be included, were the two-minute useless squash, the endless instant replaying of not-so-cool moments, and don’t forget the ref bump in the main event - sorry; “feature contest”. END ALERT*

…which leads to Sting doing his “Sting Up” thing, followed by mighty punches (at 9:59 - you KNOW it’s ending stupid now), a gorilla slam, Stinger Splash, and a reversal of the Unprettier (which is MEGA easy to counter anyway) into the Scorpion Death Drop, but only for a 2 count. We then get a superplex from Sting before KURT ANGLE shows BACK up in the arena tearing off a neck brace to kick the piss and Jesus out of Christian for the attack earlier, but DQing Sting in the process. After Cage bails, this prompts Sting to smack Angle with his trusty bat - then we cut IMMEDIATELY to JARRING ADRENALINE RUSH! ADRENALINE RECAP!!! END!!!!!!!!

WINNER: CAGE (BY DQ)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Same as earlier; I won’t feel cheated out of my PPV dollars if I order this one to catch that mach for REAL.

OVERALL: Merely another cocktease. Basically just a reason to turn Sting vs. Christian Cage into a triple threat with Angle (PREDICITON ALERT). It was obvious that this match wasn’t going to be phenomenal, nor was it going to end cleanly or clearly - it was just a matter of HOW it happened. I’m being easier on it because it was at least a small match with a more unexpected ending than it could have had.

OVERALL SHOW RATING: Sense a theme here? I guess you could call this score an average. It was like a mini-TNA PPV; two title matches - complete with letdown. No quality wrestling other that the hiccup of a match that was the X-Division Complicated Fuck Suicide Match or whatever. Other than that match, there was really only two other things that had entertainment value; first being the Roode/Young/Jarrett segment - it’s nice to see that finally go SOMEWHERE rather than just staying put and slow-killing Young and Roode simultaneously. Secondly, and much more unintentional, was the Scott Steiner promo - an abortion of language. Overall, the show just felt off; they really need to figure something out. It was definitely better than some, but also definitely worse than most.

April 24, 2007

European fun continues with ECW is UK this time. I’ve always wanted to go to England, but not on this night, as we open the show with fucking Umaga and fucking Lashley in what I’m sure will be completely pointless. At least he’s wrestling on his own show…

Umaga vs. Lashley - winner: Lashley

23Log’s Ranking: Stupid ass ending….only fitting to  stupid ass match in a stupid ass feud, though.

….as he wins by DQ - he and the asphalt headed Samoan brawl for a bit (with the crowd being very pro-Lashley - they don’t know better), then Armando Estrada decides he wants to play with the big boys. It’s around this time that Vince comes out and calls off Umaga, while Estrada gets completely owned by a weak-looking spear that apparently “nearly cut him in half”, if you ask Styles. No, a katana would nearly cut you in half. A football tackle will merely sweep you off your feet. Either way, the whole thing ends with Estrada being hilariously thrown high and hard over the top rope to the outside.

Now it’s backstage with the New Breed - Burke’s not too cool with Punk challenging his authority, but the other guys seem to be cool with it. That’s cause they’re all tools. Even YOU, Mr. COR VON. You shoulda stayed in TNA - your role is now filled by Scott Steiner….

There might have been something before this, but to be honest I was flipping between this and playing N64 No Mercy…

Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: Not Balls

23Log’s Ranking: Only for Balls’ Type O Negative shirt.

Snitsky’s teeth this week looked rotted out - in case everything about him wasn’t hideous enough. Same Snitsky bullshit, though, as he no-sells pretty much everything Balls did, then hits the stupid boot. If this guy’s such a fucking powerful tank, why doesn’t HE go after the damn belt? I just can’t imagine anyone caring about this fucker.

More promo with the New Breed as Punk is trying to fire up the troops, much to Burke’s disapproval. This better be going somewhere….

Then we get the worst transition I can remember in a long time as Styles goes from talking about Winston Churchill to talking about Umaga. Wow.

We’re just going to skip RIGHT to the main event after that one.

ECW Originals vs. New Breed - 8 man elimination tag - winner: Originals (RVD final member)

23Log’s Ranking: But let me clarify - one extra skull was for a spot before the first elimination - Burke and Dreamer started the match off, and Dreamer looked like he really socked the shit out of Elijah right in the cheek-neck area. It looked pretty real to me…same old match otherwise. AGAIN. I guess that’s what happens when you have a fifteen person roster. At least it was better than the other two combined. 

Before the match, there’s debate as to who is going to be on the New Breed team - Burke finally tells Punk to take a seat and watch. Oooohhh….tension in the ranks. So it’s Burke, Alpha Male, Thorn, and Striker vs. Sabu, Dreamer, Sandman, and RVD. Here’s how it goes down:

First elimination is Sandman after he whiffs the “Rolling Rock” and gets rolled up by Striker.

Second out is the teacher after a sunset flip powerbomb and split-leg moonsault by RVD. Like anyone else in there could do that…

Number three is Sabu, after Alpha Male hits what they FINALLY fucking call the POUNCE! PERIOD. Now doesn’t that sound a lot god damn better than “misdirectional shoulder tackle” or whatever the fuck they were saying?

Number four is the Alpha Male, who gets himself DQed after crotching RVD on the guardrail intentionally, which apparently is illegal NOW, but wasn’t when they did it to RVD earlier. Big ass question mark on this one - ? ECW….ECW…ECW….

Fifth out is the vampire, who feels the wrath of the mighty Tommy Dreamer DDT. Sho nuff.

RIGHT after this, Burke comes in with the running knee blast thing to the turnbuckle and takes care of Dreamer.

Now it’s down to RVD/Burke (gee, never seen this one before….*coughLASTWEEKcough*), which leads to a spot where Burke is wheel-kicked by RVD to the outside, which is followed by the referee stopping RVD from jumping on him to the outside. WTF? Apparently, he didn’t want that to happen because he KNEW that CM Punk, sitting at ringside, would jump up and kick Elijah in the back of the head, leading to the ***** frog splash and the win for ECW.

After the match, Punk jumps in the ring, nails Elijah with the GTS, then tells him he’s sorry. Ok - at least it IS going somewhere. I’ll give it that.

That’s where they leave us this week.

Best part of the show: I have to say I was most entertained by the tossing of Armando Estrada to the floor. Sad, huh?

What pissed me off this week: Shitty same matches week in and week out. Damn it.