BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, I’d say it’s split between that nasty DDT and the fact that the ref actually got up and did something after a bump; usually they’re so oblivious that it’s as if they’ve briefly transported to another dimension.

OVERALL:  Very standard, but a good way to open the show. Ending wasn’t super predictable, as usually after ref bumps the heels win. Definitely nothing special, though - and pretty much pointless in the grand scheme of things.

We’re not done here, however, as a pissed-off Orton RKO’s Michaels onto a chair, leading to Cena making the save, even though Michaels “didn’t need his help”. Heels run in fear and it really feels like the show should be ending on that note, but we’ve still got MILES to go, kids!!!

Who will be the guest referee for the only match at Wrestlemania that truly matters? You wait & see!

Foley shills his book. You can buy it here.

They recap ECW because Umaga was there, then we cut to Vince with Coach & Estrada, where we find out that Jeff Hardy will be facing Umaga tonight. Estrada leaves, Coach tells Vince he looks stressed, to which Vince replies that he rules the board of directors so the referee will be someone he approves of - like Shane McMahon. Coach gives him a verbal ass-pat and we go to our next match.

JEFF HARDY vs. UMAGA: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

JR shills those fruity, fruity, delicious, fruity, fruity, by GAWD they’re fruity Skittles as Jeff Hardy and his fruity colored hair head to the ring for another squash. Not that it will matter, but the strap is on the line in this one. BTW, the stupid barber chair is still on the entrance way as a permanent reminder what the focus of Raw will be for the next few weeks. Umaga starts this match in control, but as JR quotes “It only takes a three count to beat anyone in the WWE”, so Hardy has a chance. He goes at Umaga strong, and at one point gets him to stair himself, but that’s pretty much it from there as Umaga makes like an 18-wheeler and clotheslines him (I don’t get it either), then gets jawbroken, then clothslines him again, headbutt, ass bomb, THUMBTIME!!!!

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh….they’re in Phoenix and the Suns play there?

OVERALL:   Just a pointless squash-tastic match to go with the other squash of Hardy that actually HAD a point.

They run a package that REALLY tries to put Lashley over strong for this upcoming match you may have heard about. It’s funny - they need all this hype for Lashley because the ECW title sure as shit doesn’t get him over.

Pimping Cena vs. Edge as the main event. I can’t wait

MORE TV time devoted to this Trump/Vince shit. Trust me, McMahon - anyone who’s watching Raw at this point is already ordering the PPV. You don’t have to shove it up our asses, ok? This package had esteemed celebrities (like Erik Estrada) talking about Trump and Vince; funny part was when the asked John Travolta and he looked like he had no clue what the fuck they were talking about. He probably didn’t.

Backstage with Carlito & Ric Flair - wait, did Re-Todd Grisham just say that two weeks ago, Ric Flair got into Carlito’s “grill”? Yup. Apparently they’re the last two guys in the Money In The Bank qualifying matches, which will go down later. Promo pretty much goes as follows: “I’m gonna win, no I am, no I am, WHOOOOO, That’s not cool….”

More Vince & Coach. Vince is on the phone with Shane, who tells him that the vote will go our way and he’s on his way, then Vince makes a bald joke at Coach’s expense. Yes, that segment really was as pointless as it sounded.

Tomorrow on ECW we’ll have RVD vs. Elijah Burke. What - no title match? Double-U Tee Eff???!!??

Ooooohhh - it’s Masters! It’s a chair! It’s a MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE!! Stepping up this week is none other than - Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Why? I don’t know. E-mail me if you do. All I have to say is that unless Masters is REALLY in the doghouse (like a crossing Stephanie McMahon type doghouse), the dreaded Masterlock will remain unbroken; not that it can ever be broken due to all the technicalities and stipulations involved with this damn hold. It’s the only full nelson that comes with legal papers. Just a thought - if ECW is really going to do a tag division, Hacksaw should jump brands and team with Balls Mahoney to form the duo of “De-Evolution”. By the way, Duggan didn’t break the Masterlock. I’m waiting for the point of this segment but it never shows up, unless the point was “Masters is buff”. If that’s the point, we GET it. We got it LONG ago.

Again with Vince heading to the ring - find out who the ref is NEXT!

But not before we recap the earlier conversation between Cena/HBK, which leads to a backstage segment with Cena/HBK, where they pretty much say the same thing to each other. POINTLESS (sensing a theme here?)

Well, it’s 9:57 (AKA Vince o’clock) and we’ve got no chance in hell. Vince is in the ring (the crowd is really hot tonight, by the way) and let’s us know that NEXT week (just look past this week) we’ll have a contract signing for the Battle of the Billionaires - SOMEONE’S going through a table next week. Anyway, Vince quotes himself again from last week, saying how he’ll “Billionaire Bitch-slap” Trump, then he’s cut off by ERIC BISCHOFF (wow - I used to HATE that “I’m baaack…” shit, but I was digging it tonight). Why is Bischoff here? He’ll tell us - first of all, he’s not the referee. He’s here to say hello because he lives here in Phoenix and has had lots of free time since he was fired (which begs the question - how’d he get in the building AND get theme music cued up?). Basically he’s here to say that it’ll be great when Vince loses (and hell freezes over as Bischoff gets a face pop).

So the ref’s not Bischoff….but then MICK FOLEY’S music hits! He was also fired…..but ok. Mick’s wearing a referee shirt, so Vince assumes that Foley’s the named ref and starts kissing his ass. Foley makes the allusion to the fact that the roles are reversed as Foley was kissing Vince’s ass last time they met. McMahon pretty much gives Foley his job back, air time to shill his book, and pays his hotel book to suck up to him as the ref of the match. Foley then reveals that he’s not the guest ref of Vince’s match, but the guest referee of a rib-eating contest with the Phoenix Gorilla and Charles Barkley (cheap pop). The Gorilla then runs out to probably the loudest pop of the night, but this shit stops with the quickness as McMahon shoos everyone out of the ring.

So the ref’s not Foley….but then SHANE MCMAHON’S music hits! Props on this segment - I always like little surprises. Shane doesn’t look near as happy as Vince does, who is totally trying to groove to Shane’s music. Vince announces him as the guest referee, but Shane then tells him that they lost the vote and Shane’s not the ref. Vince wants to know who is.

GLASS BREAKS! It’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell yeah…god DAMN I miss this guy. He’s wearing a shirt that reads “Arrive. Raise Hell. Leave.”, which is pretty much what his role is in WWE these days. One thing makes seeing McMahon easier - Steve Austin. Vince tries to shake his hand, Austin calls for beers instead. He offers a Steveweiser to McMahon, who smartly turns it down, as all those who take the beer eventually get Stunnered (Vince knows this, man).

The segment gets kinda lame here as Austin just keeps calling for beers and pouring them on himself while Vince crawls away after getting beer in the face. No microphone. Just a fade to commercial.

We recap the previous segment for the few of you just joining us (which did illustrate the great look on Vince’s face when the music hit - he looked like he was about to cry and shit at the same time)

We have a special guest ring announcer for the Women’s Title match: Ashley - Playboy cover girl. Show tits = get push. As usual, Lawler has an “advance copy” of her magazine and is getting a stiffy as we go to the match.

MICKIE JAMES vs. MILENA: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE FOR THE WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP

Falls count ANYWHERE, ladies - hear that? Apparently they did as Milena runs to the back and right into the chicks changing room, where Lawler marks out like an 8-year old pops for John Cena. There’s a LOT of annoying-ass screaming in here, like someone’s getting date-raped or something. Victoria and Torrie Wilson get involved in this sloppy brawl, then we pointlessly see Candace Michelle de-toweled as the camera freaks out and goes to black, then to a break.

We come back and the ladies are log-rolling down the ramp and into the ring, where the chick-tastic offense begins, and then ends on a top-rope spot gone wrong. Mickie goes for a Frankensteiner, but Milena puts her head under Mickie’s ass so she can’t close her legs around her - the result is Mickie landing RIGHT on her neck slash head. Icky. That’s the match. It looked like a totally blown ending with Milena retaining. Ouch.

WINNER: MILENA (who is a terribly sloppy wrestler)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, a tie between the fact that they actually DID leave the ring in a falls count anywhere match (even though they did go back to the ring for the pinfall) and Mickie James’ butt.

OVERALL:   Sloppy match with painfully sloppy ending. You’d think that with Milena being part Mexican she’d know all about hurricanranas. Again, nothing really happened here.

Post-match we have a confrontation between Ashley and Milena. If these chicks go at it at 23, someone’s getting broken for SURE.

We now go to our last M.I.T.B. qualifying match.

RIC FLAIR vs. CARLITO: MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH

Back and forth early with standard Flair chops, backdrops, and kneedrops and standard Carlito pointless springboarding. Then decent turns to CRAP when the Great Khali comes out (?), no sells chops from Flair, and pretty much destroys them both. He then grabs the mic and says “Ieeee Wehaaaaa Kaaaehhh” (which I’m told is “I want Kane”). Khali’s chin sticks out farther than anything else on his face - that must be where he hides the extra suck. Match ends with no finish and therefore no lock on the last MITB participant.

WINNER: NO ONE

BEST PART: Nothing. Well, I guess I can be thankful that Khali didn’t kill either of them.

OVERALL:   The only match thus far that could have had a point ended up pointless. Thanks, Khali. Asshole.

Up next - the newest inductee into the Hall of Fame….

….and it’s NO WAIT! It’s more Vince recap of the Austin segment (just in case you missed it), then we’re informed that Austin will be at ECW. What? First no ECW title match, THEN we get Stone Cold on the show? Is this the same ECW?

Back to the H.O.F. - it’s Nick Bockwinkle. Way old school - he’s earned it.

Edge is backstage with Orton - this segment had a point. The point was that Orton was NOT going to have Edge’s back tonight.

Up next is our main event, but don’t forget about a contract signing next week.

JOHN CENA vs. EDGE

Cena Reaction Report: He’s actually over pretty good tonight - this crowd is definitely mark tested, Vince approved.

Cena waits in the ring for Edge, but instead we get…MNM? Eh? NOW Edge comes out and grabs a microphone - yes, please make sense of it all. He doesn’t. He babbles something about refusing to wrestle in front of “bigots” who live in the last state to approve MLK Day? What the hell? So since Johnny Nitro’s great-grandmother was part black, he demanded to take Edge’s spot and beat up Cena. WHAT???!!? Ok, so I guess its

JOHN CENA vs. EDGE JOHNNY NITRO

By the way, the intros to this match lasted 4 minutes - it’s 10:58 when the bell rings. Another quality Raw main event. At this point, the crowd is confused, so they just stay hot for Cena. Match opens with Cena going after Nitro and ending up on the floor, where Mercury (still looking like a horror movie villain) throws him into the ringpole, followed up by Nitro giving him the “Cena stair bump”. Back in the ring we see Nitro apply the chinlock (now you KNOW he’s been hanging out with Rated RKO). Cena does the standard comeback with the lead-in to the 5 Moves of Doom, but everyone attempts to jump in the ring when he goes for the 5-Knuckle Shuffle (I guess they all feel like I do about that move). He hits it, though, and goes for the F-U, which prompts Mercury to chop-block Cena to save his other-brand partner, leading to the DQ.

WINNER: CENA (by DQ)

BEST PART OF MATCH: The….uhh….swerve (?) that lead to us seeing a different three-minute main event than the one they built to?

OVERALL:   One word: POINTLESS.

After the match, MNM and Edge beat down Cena, which prompts HBK to run out to make the save, stop and think about it, then decide that having a clear heel at WM 23 wouldn’t be a very good idea so he makes the save on Cena. However, he still teases heel by not looking at Cena while he heads back up the ramp. That bastard. And here’s where we leave it….NO WAIT - tune in NEXT WEEK for a CONTRACT SIGNING!!!!

OVERALL SHOW RATING:  This Raw was completely pointless; pretty much everything that happened here tonight could have never occurred and nothing in Raw-land would have changed. The thumb up, of course, was for the appearance of Steve Austin (and the whole segment), which HAD to be the only thing the team that wrote this show was paying any attention to. But again, other than that….shit on a pointless stick.

Later.

We kick things off with another package promoting Vince/Trump. Fuck wrestling championships; hair is obviously more important in a main event match. You can have the gold, just don’t take my curly locks. Whatever. Actual show starts with the mysterious return of Lillian Garcia announcing our MAIN EVENT tag team title match. We just skipped to the end!

Enter John Cena..

CENA REACTION REPORT: Almost unfair as he is the first one to come out after the pyros. N/A.

…followed by HBK. They need a joint bastardized intro like Rated RKO’s: Are you ready? Your time is up! Break it down! My time is now! You can’t see me….DEGENERATION X!!!!!!! No, on second thought, they don’t at all.

We’re ready to go…and Edge/Orton appear on the tron. Apparently they’re not ready to compete yet. Fucking tease…meanwhile, they cut a promo with Orton saying something about HBK being “best actor” for telling Cena he’s got his back and calls him a liar. There’s no way Shawn’s a liar - they go to hell, Randy. RKO then show a video package (that they obviously put together themselves) of HBK backstabbing a bunch of people, like Jannetty, Diesel, X-Pac, Booker-T, and best of all, Hogan. Cool little package, if you like superkicks. Side note: PLEASE GO HEEL, HBK.

Back to reality where Edge chimes in channeling Henry Rollins by calling Shawn a liar, liar, liar, liar, etc. and telling Cena to watch his back. Ooooohhh…pot stirring….very heelish. Apparently this match still won’t be until later now, as Cena/Michaels just kind of stand there in the ring and share an awkward moment together.

Back from the break and after more Mick Foley book shilling (buy it! read it!), we get our first REAL match of the night as a freshly thumbed and title-less Jeff Hardy spazzes his way to the ring for a Money In The Bank qualifying match against Shelton Benjamin (who is using the WGTT theme music now because as of late there is plenty of stopping him, now).

JEFF HARDY vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN: MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH

I’d really like to see both of these guys in that match…but fuck what I want. Odd intro to this match as Lillian does boxing-style intros after both guys are in the ring, then goes over the Money In The Bank match rules. Maybe if they were going to review the rules, they’d have done so before the FIRST qualifying match….eh? Either way, this match should be good….

….and it’s merely OK. The crowd is very much behind Hardy and Shelton’s playing the strong heel. Standard Hardy offense (runny-guardrail thing, Whisper (shhh) in the Wind) leads to the COOLEST spot of the match where Hardy is on the top rope going for the Swanton and Shelton jumps VERTICALLY from the mat to the top rope (in one leap, not like Angle does it) and suplexes Hardy over his head. Benjamin = underrated, underused, under appreciated, and probably going to be under Jeff Hardy when this match ends, unfortunately. What will happen next?

The excitement leading up to after the break brings us to…..a god damn chinlock. Gotta love those heels.

Some more back & forth offense leads to some blown spots (Hardy jawbreaker & clothesline) and then one BIG fuck-up where Benji totally eats shit on an attempted springboard from the apron and looks like he almost kills himself. Match goes home after this spot with a Twist of Fate & Swanton.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY (there was no way he wasn’t going to be in the MITB match this year. Remember, kids…all you have to do to get a push in wrestling is to flake out on the company that gave you your start, jump to the competition all twacked out on drugs, then get canned by said competition for being said twack, then get re-hired as if nothing ever happened because your previous employer is trying ever so hard to cash in on how cool they USED to be).

BEST PART OF MATCH: The Benjamin suplex. This guy needs to be in the MITB match. How can you NOT have him? ALL the highlights have him in it. Oh, wait - it would make SENSE to put him in that match. Never mind…..assholes

OVERALL: Should have been better, but they didn’t seem to work that well together and there was some blown stuff.

Judging by the graphic they show after this match, it seems that Money In The Bank this year is 8 people instead of 6. Holy crap. Even MORE excuses to not build any storylines for ‘Mania. I think 8 is too many, but then again I think sugar cubes are fun to eat by themselves. And FUCK King Booker being in this match as well - he’s above having to EARN a shot at that belt. Fuck Batista, while were at it….moving on…..

As Hardy celebrates and leaves the ringside area, Vince shows up on the tron, who is again shilling the whole Trump haircut thing. We get it, damn you.

Pimping of ECW as we head to the break. The “career-killing” steel cage (find me one dead career that was caused by this monstrosity) makes an appearance on ECW, where (guess who) will defend (guess what) against (really…guess who - they didn’t say). Give the guy a break on defending the belt, for shit’s sake - too many defenses will lower the perceived value of the championship….oh, wait…never mind.

Ashley on the set of her Playboy shoot. That’s all I’ve got. Gotta love WWE; hire pointless chicks to make them semi-famous, cash in big dollars when they pose for Playboy, then proceed to do JACK SHIT with said chick. You’re time’s coming, Ashley…

Cut to Milena backstage bitching about the attention Ashley’s getting (You want attention? YOU get naked, bey-atch) and bitch, bitch, whine, bitch, whine when finally NITRO (of all people) tells her to SHUT UP!!! (I was secretly hoping he’d say it and he DID! I may have wasted my last wish on that shit….). After telling Milena to stick it, apparently a pissed off Mr. Nitro has a match RIGHT NOW!!!

JOHNNY NITRO vs. SUPER CRAZY

He’s Super! He’s Crazy! He’s AN EXTREMELY INANE JOKE!! Never seen this one before….but we’re actually not going to see it this time as Nitro goes batshit on Crazy before the match ever starts, nailing him with a rope-dive dropkick that made my cable signal freak out, then finishes him off with a belly-to-back into a facebuster ON THE FLOOR. It looked as good as one could expect. Nitro leaves Crazy there for the “EMTs” to check on him as he leaves looking super pissed and drawing MASSIVE heat. Right on.

WINNER: NO MATCH, NO WINNER

BEST PART OF MATCH: Again, no match, but I’ll give it to the facebuster. Ballsy of them to even try it.

OVERALL: No match, no score, but still gets a thumbs up for what it was trying to do.

MORE shilling of the main event and Vince/Trump as we head to another break…which leads to a USA network promo about Raw and the Divas with some random chick (who I think was a former Diva Search girl) talking about how the Divas are empowering because they can do things the boys can do and sometimes do it better. Not to be sexist, but unless that “thing” they do better is making a thong look attractive, they’ve never really done it better. Not once. Sorry, ladies.

Slam Of The Week was the blown headscissors from Mickie on Milena. This was not the “anything” of the week. This was a blown spot that led to a title change. But what it DOES mean is that…..

MILENA vs. MARIA - NON TITLE MATCH

Brilliant segue…this one is the battle of the babes who bone the dudes who fought in the MITB Qualifying Match on ECW (Nitro/Punk). Milena should start wearing the Women’s title like Nitro wore the IC Belt, except hang it from her top. As Maria makes her entrance (I’d LOVE to make her entrance), they remind us of a Women’s Title match for next week of Mickie vs. Milena - Falls Count Anywhere. Unless they end up pinning each other in a hot tub or on a nudist beach or something, I still really don’t care. Anyhow, there is a match here - if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. At one point, JR calls Milena “evil”, which she follows up with a Camel Clutch. Most definitely evil. Match ends when Maria goes for a bronco buster (oh, to be a bottom turnbuckle for 10 seconds - any longer and X-Pac might show up) but gets kneed in the v-lips and ROLLED UP (the streak-breaker) by Milena for the pin.

WINNER: MILENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Maria. And not her wrestling, either…

OVERALL: Diva-tastic match. Same shit, different chicks.

EVEN MORE shilling for this Trump/representative stuff. You’d think I hadn’t been watching ALL NIGHT and didn’t know it was coming.

Wrestlemania: All Grown Up promo shows a kid dressed as a little HBK. I wonder which version? I guess we’d have to watch and see if he pops Flintstone vitamins, calls in sick to 4th grade because he “lost his smile”, or superkicks his playmates through the elementary school windows.

It’s almost 10! It’s VINCE O’CLOCK!!!!! The man himself comes to the ring to huge heat and mentions that everyone is talking about this match. The part he leaves out is that people are talking because TRUMP is in it, not because of VINCE and TRUMP. He basically just says a bunch of shit we’ve already heard over the last couple weeks and recaps his “message” to Trump when he and Umaga smashed Rey Mysterio on Smackdown. I’m willing to bet Trump wasn’t watching Raw - he probably had more important things to do and didn’t catch the “message”. At this time, Estrada & Umaga come to the ring; Umaga’s sporting a new tattoo on his stomach that reads “Samoa”. I have questions:

1. Did he get this idea from Mysterio’s “Mexican” tattoo while he was thumbing his throat?

2. How does a savage get into a tattoo parlor?

3. If I were to tattoo “White” on my stomach, I wouldn’t be nearly as cool, would I? (probably quite the opposite)

Either way, we are still listening to Vince shit on Donald (including a gem of a joke in which Vince calls Trump a “bald” faced liar. That’s why this man is a genius and a billionaire.) before Trump shows up on the tron (oh so NOT live) to intro his representative: LASHLEY.

Bobby Lashley heads to the ring to the standard overpushed mixed reaction, with a dash of the “pyro pop” thrown in (what Kane’s been living off of for four years now). He locks eyes with Umaga as they both contemplate whose championship belt is more worthless. Vince calls security to the ring BEFORE the inevitable “they can’t wait until *insert PPV here*!!!!!!” brawl, which is always fun to watch the guys who AREN’T fighting because you’ll catch a glimpse of the old timers as agents trying to separate the two (like Dean Malenko and I.R.S.). I spaced off for a minute as I envisioned Umaga just saying “fuck it all” and starts thumbing EVERYONE in the arena, and when I tuned back in, they were still brawling. In the couple minutes they’ve interacted, they sure grew a hatred for one another. Hair will do that.

After the break and the inevitable brawl recap, we’re joined by…..Chris Masters. Whoopie. Judging by the mid-ring chair, I’d say there’s a Masterlock Challenge coming up, which is accepted by the Great Khali, who just might have gotten the most positive reaction of his career coming out to make Masters look like a weakling. Remember, kids…the Masterlock has never been “officially” broken; I’d really like to see that official rulebook on Masterlocks, but then I’d probably find out that it can’t be broken unless management decides that Masters is in the doghouse. It’s actually pretty funny watching Masters try to put the lock on Khali, as he really is too big…then KANE crashes the party (!?). Brand extension? He goes after Khali for screwing him out of the MITB Qualifying match last week on Smackdown (Khali should be getting mass cheers right now as he kept Kane out of another ladder match that he didn’t belong in. Just because you were in one good one doesn’t mean you were one of the reasons it was a good match). They’re probably going to push this one as the big inter-promotional match on WM. That will suck.

Cut to Vince and his slave. Only point of this segment is that there will be a special guest referee in the Lashley/Umaga match. What? McMahon then makes his house boy get him some water as we YET AGAIN shill the main event.

Coming up….the next Hall of Fame inductee….

….Jerry “The King” Lawler. He’s the John Madden of WWE; it almost doesn’t matter all the great things he did before he became an announcer because all you think of when you hear his name is his obnoxious and tired-ass commentating, but instead of “the key to winning is to outscore the opposition”, we get “Puppies, JR!!!”. Props to his wrestling career, however - he’s earned his spot.

Cut to pointless backstage segment with Rated RKO, where they re-cap the pot-stirring AND RE-SHOW the HBK back-stabbery video. Once = cool. Twice = wasting time. The superkick on Hogan was still awesome, though….

EVEN MORE shilling of the main event. You’d think this was Rock/Austin vs. Lesnar/Angle the way they were hyping this match.

Hey! Wrestling!

CARLITO (coming to the ring with “it must be cold in that arena”) vs. WAIT ‘TILL AFTER THE BREAK!!!

CARLITO vs. apparently KENNY DYKSTRA

Ok. It’s Kenny….and the match has started. We could have seen the beginning had they not shown that damn HBK vi-oh, wait, they just re-showed it anyway. It involved an apple spit, which Carlito hadn’t done in forever. Leave it to WWE to have a guy find something unique and then rarely ever have them use it (Cena). Carlito does his flippy offense, which eventually backfires and the match shifts to Kenny. This match is well-paced (compared to both of these guys wrestling Flair). There’s a point in the middle of this match where King asks JR if he remembers the match they have as the main event tonight. I’d sure fucking hope so, guys…Carlito & Kenny trade kneelifts (only one is a Million Dollar kneelift) and the match winds to a great finish with Kenny countering a standing hurricanrana into a sitout powerbomb (haven’t seen a powerbomb on Raw in a GRIP, dawg….), then crotches himself on the middle rope in the corner before being hit by Carlito’s Backcracker (next time someone needs to pop their back, I’m SO going to nail them with that).

WINNER: CARLITO

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The last 30 seconds led to a good finish

OVERALL: Good pacing, nothing extremely special, but Kenny’s got HUGE potential (he’ll probably end up in TNA)

Flair comes out clapping after Carlito’s win like a proud daddy or something. He really should go heel on Carlito and steal his bimbo away from him (Space Mountain may be getting older by the day, but everyone still wants to ride! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!)

Vince is going to ECW to make Lashley’s life a living hell (which is what a Chairman does to his employees that piss him off instead of firing him - I LOVE WRESTLING!!). He he…Coach is actually packing Vince’s bag for him here….

By the way, the main event is next. Tag title match? Tonight? No WAY??!!??

RATED RKO vs. CHAIN GANGERATION-X (maybe?): TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH

CENA REACTION REPORT (2): Not as loud this time, but still plenty of women.

Shawn comes down to the FULL DX entrance again…do they really HAVE to kill time before the main event? Can’t they just wrestle for that time? Man, HBK is balding…God can save your soul, but not your hairline. HBK/Edge start this match off with plenty of chops from Shawn (the “over 40″ rule - you must chop). Typical face/heel team shit; you’d think HBK of all people would know NOT to try to get in the ring to make a save when you’re the face team. You’ve been in the game long enough, son. Especially when Edge is on the other side. That guy’s got the RECORD for most tag title reigns, y’know…Back to the action. HBK hits his move series (forearm, nip up, scoop slam, top-rope elbow, call for CHIN MUSIC….) but almost kicks Cena instead of Orton as we go to the LAST BREAK!!!

We return to find…..the match looking like it re-started with Edge/HBK. Ok. Y’know, as I watch this I realize that Cena/Michaels have a common ability - to both get their asses thoroughly kicked throughout the whole first half of a match. Meanwhile, Orton has applied a chinlock. Alert the media. He hits HBK with a Bagshitter before tagging to Edge. After another rest hold, Shawn Christs-up which eventually leads to the dual hot tag - cue the 5 moves of DOOM. Obligatory main event ref bump + chaos ensues, which leads to HBK channeling Eddie Guerrero after he hits Edge with a title belt and tosses it to Orton, causing Edge to be all like “Fuck You” and leave Orton behind….leading to superkick and Pedigree…no, wait…F-U…and that’s game.

WINNERS (AND STILL TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS): CENA/HBK

BEST PART OF MATCH: The ending was different than expected, so I’ll give it to that.

OVERALL: Just ok. Same matches from these guys the last few months, but with Cena instead of Trips. I’m not sure if that’s a good trade - kind of like swapping cancer for a brain tumor. But it wasn’t rotten. And only ONE chinlock.

Face-tastic ending to the show with Cena & Shawn backslapping and glad-handing each other. Yay hooray. This better lead to a heel turn for one of these guys…the thought of a FOUR face Wrestlemania double main event is bugging the shit out of me.

SPEAKING OF MANIA….LAST NOTE!! Who will the special referee be? What?

OVERALL SHOW RATING: Not as good as last week, but it had some not low points. I’ve definitely seen much worse shows, which this one probably would have been if ‘Mania weren’t just around the way. An astounding load of meh. But there was only one rollup, and no “DAMN”. Damn.

Peace, amigos!

First of all, RIP Mike Awesome. He unfortunately joins the big Royal Rumble in the sky…may the memory of him as “That 70s Guy” pass along with him. Your Awesome Bombs will be missed, good sir.

Welcome, CircleJerks, to the first of weekly Raw reviews. I’m El Gringo, and I’ll be joining you on this wonderful, fun-filled ride down Mediocre Lane that has been WWE Raw.

Moving right into our show, we open with a recap of (guess what) Vince & Donald Trump and their upcoming Wrestlemania challenge. More proof that the package editors of WWE can make ANYTHING look like you should care. There could be video of two quadriplegic children in electronic chairs fighting over the handicap-accessible space at the front of the movie theatre and these guys can make it seem like the second coming of Bret vs. Shawn.

Leading right from that recap is Vince himself in the ring with a barber’s pole & chair (no Beefcake, however…). He shills the “Battle of the Billionaires” - don’t worry if you missed that epic moment; I’m sure we’ll hear it called as such about six thousand more times between now and ‘Mania. Basically the whole segment is Vince blowing himself mid-ring and trying to make funny ha-ha at the fact that Trump will have his hair cut when he loses. It really is as simple as that, but McMahon does everything he can to kill a hot crowd by taking 10 MINUTES on this segment. I get it. Hair vs. Hair. Fucking A.

This does, however, lead into Vince introducing his “representative” for that match at WM. UMAGA. I told myself I’d stop hating on this guy after the Royal Rumble (where he put on the match of the night with Cena. I know; I didn’t believe it either). At least it’s not Khali. Either, or…Umaga is going to be on Vince’s end, and gives Trump one week to pick his guy. Somewhere around here, JR say something about maybe Donald will be “trumped” at Wrestlemania because of how unstoppable Umaga is.

*insert Vince or Donald here* has been “trumped” = already violently murdered phrase.

Out of the blue, Vince declares that Umaga will soon be a champion, as he has a match tonight for the Intercontinental Championship against Jeff Hardy, whose music hits and we get the standard “drying his wet hands” dance w/ second most useless pyro in pro wrestling (first being James Storm in TNA). Hardy seems to have no problem with the match until he runs into Vince, where he tosses a shitty look his way. Our first match of the evening is next.

UMAGA vs. JEFF HARDY - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Begins with standard Hardy fare, but quickly goes to the land of endless pushing where Umaga starts the seemingly inevitable squash. Random note - Jeff’s looking very rainbow-y this evening; way more so than usual. Drug free. Anyway, after a bit of comeback from Jeff, Umaga hits the running ass of doom and the throat spike to CLEANLY win the IC title. Eh? Ok. I’m figuring that will make sense one day…. This does ensure, however, that there will once again be NO IC title match/feud at WM 23. What does this championship really even mean anyway? It’s so someone can say they’re a champion without ever having to take the strap off Cena. Oh, yeah…

WINNER (AND NEW IC CHAMPION): UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Hmmm….well, I’d say the clean ending. Umaga didn’t really need the strap, however, as I believe he got plenty over with his mini-feud with Cena. But nice to see it cleanly either way.

OVERALL MATCH SCORE:  Nothing special at all.

We move from here to pimp out stuff on the rest of the show: RVD (wha? Isn’t he on another brand? Why is he here?) vs. Edge in a “Money In The Bank” qualifying match (I think neither one of these dudes should qualify - spread the fucking “money in the bank” around, you assholes) and Cena vs. Orton in a “probably last two big stars we haven’t paired off in a feud yet but we’ll kick it your way in about 8 months and treat it like it never happened at all” match.

Back from the break, we see Mick Foley selling a new book. Awesome: “The Hardcore Diaries”. I’ll read it. So should you - get off the internet and do something constructive.

We are then informed that there will be a Women’s Title match tonight with Mickie James vs. Milena. Reasons why Milena deserves this rematch have yet to be determined.

Yay! Next Match! A tag team match featuring at least one tossed-together team of two singles wrestlers! WWE!

RIC FLAIR & CARLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH (?!)

Well, seeing as how we haven’t seen C & M for a while, you don’t need a fucking spoiler report to know who’s winning tonight. Speaking of our quasi-redneck team, at the beginning of the match JR calls them “an outstanding young team with unlimited potential”. That sounds like one of those bullshit phrases people write on their resumes to make them sound smarter, like “Terrific work ethic with strong desire to succeed” or “Willing to take on all challenges and resolve conflicts in a professional manner”. Whatever. In this case, “unlimited potential” will more than likely fall victim to “lack of a tag team division in which to utilize said potential”. Oh, wait - there’s a match. Not much to report here; Cade hits a very cool-looking one-armed Rock Bottom type move and C & M start off in control over Carlito (who REALLY needs to turn back heel). At one point, Murdoch tries that mind-numbing spot where he goes to the top rope while his opponent’s on his back, then lands the STANDING double axe-handle, but gets mysteriously and surprisingly kicked in the face. I hate that spot. Eventually Flair gets the hot tag, chops and backdrops abounds, which segues nicely into the world’s most elaborate low blow from Flair (which Murdoch sells like he got kicked in the nuts by a spurred boot), tag back to Carlito, Backcracker, you know the rest.

WINNERS: RIC FLAIR & CARLITO

BEST PART OF MATCH: The move Cade hit was pretty neato; it was the only thing I hadn’t seen ten times over from this match.

OVERALL: . Meh. Not shit. Not good.

Random note - no Lillian Garcia tonight. That joker from ECW is ring announcing. I don’t know his name. I don’t think I care…

After the break, we’ll hear from Cena & Michaels regarding their victory as RAW guys over SMACKDOWN guys on a SMACKDOWN-branded PPV (way to put your own shit over - I’m going to blame Teddy Long) that also featured a defense of the ECW title. What the FUCK is the point of the brand extension again? To have a really good reason to do too god damn many PPVs a year? Ah, yes. Silly me. I know I can’t wait for this promo. But I will.

Re-Todd is backstage with our dynamic duo, who pretty much re-hash the Samoa Joe/Kurt Angle storyline from TNA of “We’re enemies so I’ll protect you until our big showdown because I want to beat you at your best”. Fuck that. Kick his fucking kneecap in and you’ll have no trouble getting the belt at Mania, HBK. God would probably hate him for that, though. Anyway, after they play the friends/enemies angle, HBK starts shilling the new DX DVD coming out the 20th. (the “new & improved” DX, as it says on the box. That’s funny - the reformation of DX and the hilarious hijinks to follow were neither “new”, as the first DX was the same two guys, nor “improved”, as I’ve seen enough fat thong guys and tummy chops to last me the next 1000 years. I’m not buying your marketing, bitches, and I’m also not buying this DVD). Speaking of DVDs I’m not going to buy, Cena then tries to one-up Michaels and shills the Marine DVD (which at one point he openly admits to no-selling bullets. No wonder he’s champion. You can’t even shoot the motherfucker - what’s a fucking superkick going to do?). And speaking of fat guys in thongs AND superkicks…..yep.

This leads to Orton & Edge backstage (random side note - for extreme hilarity, if you own the new Smackdown vs. Raw game, go to create a stable, make “Rated RKO”, and give Edge & Orton the “Edge & Lita” entrance set to Edge’s music. You’ll never look at the ol’ “Legend Killer” the same way again - trust me). Some words are spoken and they talk about the rematch they get next week for the tag belts vs. Cena/Michaels in a battle to determine which team the tag championship belts can be the biggest fucking waste on. Tune in.

Next up is RVD vs. Edge in a match that’s probably going to be too good for ECW so they put it on the show people watch.

Speaking of ECW, they promo Tuesday’s main event before the break. Lashley vs. Holly vs. KENNEDY (?). Two things. First - brand extension? Second - I don’t think it’s really that good of a thing to be ECW champion. You have to defend that fucking belt practically once (and sometimes twice) a week against guys from ALL THREE SHOWS, whereas the other two guys pretty much put the belt up once a month, if that. I guess that’s what happens when the championship means pretty much jack shit, though….right? EC-DUB! EC-DUB!

Back from break, they show highlights of previous MITB matches before…..

EDGE vs. ROB VAN DAM: MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH

Killer match. Crowd very much behind RVD as they go back & forth exchanging some surprisingly good spots (including one where Edge gives RVD a swinging neckbreaker while Rob’s standing on the apron bent over the middle rope with his head in the ring - that’s the best I can describe it). At least twice they mention the “educated feet”. These “Ross-isms” eventually just grate on me. Fruity! Fruity! Skittles! We then come to the spot of the night where Edge plays possum during the Rolling (joints?) Thunder, catches RVD in midair, and gives him a powerslam. Never seen that before - and I am usually unable to say that during Raw. This isn’t the end of the match, however; they continue to hit each other with some great offense, including the split-legged moonsault, which I was near positive RVD forgot how to do. Edge kicks out of this move, which prompts JR to say “that usually does the job for RVD”. When? I seem to recall most RVD matches ending differently. I thought the palsy only fucked up your speech, not your memory….This makes way for the true end of the match, which involves Orton running out and jumping up on the apron only to be kicked in the face/neck region by RVD, but setting him up for the spear.

WINNER: EDGE (who qualifies for the MITB match at 23; which means they’re either breaking HIS streak or he’ll get a pointless rub for a title match that’s he’s already earned ten times over. He shouldn’t be in that match. No one asked me.)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The whole thing was great, best spot was Edge’s counter to the Rolling Thunder splash.

OVERALL: - strongest Raw match in a while. Even the run-in made sense as it didn’t completely bury RVD nor put Edge over him too strongly.

Slam of the Week is Nitro/Milena vs. Super Crazy/Mickie James from last Thursday. Why? Cause guess what’s next, bitches??!!!??

MILENA vs. MICKIE JAMES: WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH

Oh goody. I think I just heard Lawler get a stiffy. As per usual, Milena looks as if she’s stealing water balloons in her top. Plenty of chick-tastic offense, including some near implant-poppage when Milena hits the floor pretty good. One interesting move had Milena deliver a curb stomp (a la Super Dragon, but with girly hair pulling) to Mickie. Not too many blown spots here, but the ending looked a bit unplanned as we had Mickie trying a top-rope muffeater, being “countered” by Milena, then the clean pinfall to give Milena the women’s championship. Hmmmm.

WINNER (AND NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION): MILENA

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: I’m gonna do the chauvinistic thing and say Mickie’s butt.

OVERALL:  - half-thumb for the title change.

Wrestlemania is “All Grown Up” cause it’s about at the age where your friends get married and start popping out offspring and you realize what a fucking loser YOU still are because you go to wrestling websites and play XBox Live. Or not.

Back from break. Chicks backstage. Todd Grisham gets slapped. That’s that

HIGHLANDERS vs. THE GREAT KHALI (HANDICAP MATCH)

Ok. So the Highlanders have been resurrected only to be killed off again. “Handicap” must refer to the numbskulls who think that Khali is money. Cue the squash fest. It is worth noting that the “hands like frying pans” comparison is once again alive and well with Khali. In case I needed another god damn reason to hate on this guy. He wins, by the way - just in case anyone was truly wondering.

WINNER: KHALI (and NO ONE else in existence)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: N/A (a three-minute no-sell-fest is not a match)

OVERALL: (see above)

And by the way, MY fucking hands would be big too if I were 7’3”. They’re proportionate. It’s really not that big of a deal, RossKing.

After another break we pointlessly recap the already too-long McMahon segment from earlier. I think the proof was in the numbers a week ago. Trump + Vince = Ratings. Vince = not so much.

We cut to Kenny Dykstra backstage with Jonathan Coachman TOOL, then both being interrupted by Khali, who I think says he wants some competition. He could have also says Cody Banks is a dickwad. Or that he wants some colby jack cheese. Point is that he barely speaks English, friends. Enter Ron Simmons and the funniest recurring joke on TV. HA HA…..sigh…

Yay! Ashley’s on the cover of PLAYBOY! Reveal that cover so NO ONE WILL CARE when the magazine comes out. It’s like buying a Butterfinger bar to eat the wrapper. It merely hints at the goodness inside. Not that shiny plastic tits glued to a too-skinny contest-winning Rawkr Ch!ck are “the goodness”, but I’ll check it out.

Ensuring that this portion of the show remains 100 percent wrestling free, we now cut to Milena bitching about how they didn’t have to waste time on Ashley when we could be wasting it on her some more instead. If this leads to a ‘Mania match between these chicks, two things are assured:

1. It will go on between the main event to ensure the crowd is fully killed before the last match.

2. It will lick major balls. If only….

Newest HOF inductee: Mr. Perfect. Fuck yes.

Cena’s headed to the ring for our main event. It’s 10:41; plenty of time for a decent match. We’ll see…

Last break leads us to….

JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON (NON-TITLE - this isn’t ECW, y’know..)

They’ve cut the pyro budget on Randy’s “giant invisible beach ball” pose - and boy does he look lost without it.

CENA REACTION REPORT: Chicks, but loud chicks

I was really hoping that with two belts he’d have to give up doing that retarded salute, but now he just wears the abomination. Drat.

Standard fare from these two. JR calls Cena’s kinda-fisherman-suplex a “modified Perfect-plex”. That would make it a fisherman’s suplex. Please don’t compare Cena to Perfect. We see the “S vs. R 2007” early 2 count and some “angry Randy faces” as he gets a chair building the suspense as we go to the last break…..

….only to return and see Cena trapped in a chinlock. Wow. There is a hilarious spot worth noting post-chinlock where Orton actually DUCKS Cena’s mighty shoulderblock (and first of the five moves of DOOM)….then he loses all the cool points he just earned by going back to the fucking chinlock for 2 minutes. Cena literally hulks up out of if (he’s been champ nearly non-stop for two years - he probably has caught some minor Hogan-itis) and kicks off the inevitable Doom moves, but the F-U is thwarted by Randy’s dastardly heelish ways, who then hits that backbreaker thingy (which I’m going to dub the “bagshitter”). Orton alerts the world that he’s sneaking behind Cena for an RKO, which of course is blocked….leading to the attempted F-U, the anticipated main-event run-in from Edge, and the inevitable DQ follows.

WINNER: EVERYONE AND NO ONE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Orton’s no-sell of Cena’s shoulderblock (and Cena’s full commitment to finishing the follow-through)

OVERALL:  - If you’ve seen either guy wrestle, you’ve seen this match. Run-in was about as unexpected as a fucking hurricane. I was harder on this match than the earlier ones ’cause these guys (and co.) are pretty much THE SHOW right now.

BUT WAIT! It’s not over as Edge/Orton get chairs, cue HBK, chairshots abounds, faces rule! Yay! Show ends with HBK teasing like he’s going to jump Cena, and letting everyone down when those fucking morals take over and he just stands there.

I just realized that they didn’t do the usual post-PPV “order the encore for FULL PRICE even though you know how EVERYTHING ends!!” shill. I’d love to see the buyrates for those encores…

OVERALL SHOW RATING: (overall - NOT a match average). We saw two title changes (albeit questionable ones) and the entire show was 100% BULLSHIT SCHOOLBOY ROLLUP FREE!!!! But otherwise it was barely above standard fare, so it gets a barely above standard grade.

See ya’ll next week!