May 7, 2007

Reviewage of Raw commencing; fresh off the news that Edge is the Savior of Smackdown, leaving me with the Great (at Sucking) Khali as our number one heel. Fuck yes, I say, fuck yes *stabs self with spork*

Speaking of fuck yes, the show opens with no pyro or music, but simply one John Cena - but WITHOUT the Abomination, as it was stolen by Khali last week. Don’t get too used to this sight, kids, as it’s merely an illusion to make you THINK he lost the belt. He didn’t. And he won’t. Ever.

Anyway, he comes out and tells us what I just told you, mentions something about a pool of blood that he was laying in last week (I don’t recall that at all), actually acknowledges that he’s been humiliated before by a section of people who boo him each week, and more or less, he wants the belt back. Who wouldn’t? It’s just so damn blinging. And shit.

Continuing the not-so-robo promo (this week anyway), Cena tells us that Khali is not like a man, he’s more like a chin that someone mutated by injecting it with a mixture of suck and blow. He didn’t say that. He DID say that he can hit him with his best shot and it won’t even phase him (who knew the key to beating the unbeatable was to simply choose to NOT be affected by the mightiest of blows?), and all those who oppose him are erased (I know of only ONE for sure…).

He then slightly boosts those Judgement Day buyrates by mentioning that it may be his execution, and is finally interrupted on the Tron by Khali with a translator, who screams something that could have been anything at all, but we’re told basically “Look what I can do! Here’s some video!”

Cue video.

More Khali shouting: apparently he WILL be the next WWE champ, and - he he he - If Cena wants some, come get some. Then, the whole “never back down never quit” thing takes over, and Cena heads backstage, only to get a garbage can to the face, chokebombed on a zamboni, and his neck squeezed until he turns red. AND Khali keeps ahold of the belt. That worked out well, jackass. He doesn’t care - he KNOWS he’s winning at the PPV now. Your time is up, my time is FOREVER. Word life.

It was at this point that I said I’d eat lint from my own ass if they didn’t show Khali beating down Cena after we got back from the first break, and I’ll be damned if my stomach is ASS LINT FREE, bitch.

JEFF HARDY vs. TREVOR MURDOCH

I actually tried to call this match and was finally wrong - I picked Charlie Haas. Either way, I get Attempted Redneck Destroyer vs. Attempted Self Destroyer. Jeff opens in control, but we get back and forth offense and a good opening exchange. Murdoch does a good job keeping the stereotype alive with the Taz tattoo, but not a good job avoiding a Jeff Hardy suicide dive to the outside.

This leads us to a turnbuckle spot, where Jeff actually misses his hold-the-ropes-and-kick-you-with-much-force-in-the-face kick. Murdoch goes RIGHT to the chinlock (despite their actions as of late, they’re still heels - PROOF), until the counter and the MISSper in the Wind (he totally fucking airballed this one). Jeff goes back up to what JR calls “No Man’s Land”. Yeah - no man’s land; well no man except for Rob Van Dam, Jimmy Snuka, Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, etc. Other than them, no fucking man goes there. From this land of no man, Jeff attempts the Swanton, but it is countered with the ever-painful knee pull-up. Murdoch, however, enforcing another stereotype of the dumb redneck fuck, argues with the referee instead of following up, allowing Jeff to get the rollup win.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Neither of them blew any big spots, so we were able to see a clean one.

OVERALL: Decent TV match, but nothing I haven’t seen from these two about 10 times already. I’ve said it before - this whole Hardys reunion thing just doesn’t feel like it matters at all. I’m really trying to care, but maybe I just never will.

After the match, Cade & Murdoch shake hands with Matt & Jeff again. WHERE COULD THIS BE GOING???

Recap of the “Rated R Shocker”…..*JUVENILE JOKE ALERT*….he he, I think the Shocker would probably be a bit past an “R” rating - I guess we could ask Matt Hardy….

Then they announce Lashley vs. COACH. This angle needs to be murdered. I’m tired of ECW just being the third hour of Raw - and it’s been nothing but SINCE McMahon got involved. I hope Lashley breaks a kneecap on an UNTRAINED Coachman and he’s gone for like 23 months.

Hey! A Snitsky promo! I suddenly care JUST the same as I did before, which was not at fucking all. This guy needs to treat himself like the big shaved baby he looks like and commit a self abortion. It’s not like it would be his fault or anything.

Coach is backstage with Umaga, Vince, and Shane. Much blowing of selves, very little point.

SANTINO MARELLA vs. CHRIS MASTERS

Can’t we get one god damn Raw that doesn’t have a match on in from the previous week? No? Well fuck you too, then. By the way, I’m unsure if this is a title match, because it wasn’t announced as one, but JR seems to think that Masters could win the title tonight. Crazy ass.

Marella was billed from “New Jersey” now. What the fuck was wrong with Italy? I could be “Now Residing” in the fucking Philippines, but it doesn’t make me any less a cracker, does it?

I can’t wait for this rematch to start, which is good, because they sure as hell did not wait. Masters opens strong with pushing, backbreakers, and much clotheslinery. He then goes for the Masterlock, which ain’t shit anymore, but gets turned around by Santino, who then gets spinebustered for his efforts. 2 count.

He goes for the Ain’tShitLock again, but this one is “brilliantly” countered into the feared finisher of Santino Marella: the rollup. Game over.

WINNER: SANTINO MARELLA

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Masters losing. Fuck him. He only exists because McMahon still gets a stiffy from the bodybuilders.

OVERALL: The same match, only again and a week later. Santino looked a bit stronger in the ring, but I’m still not convinced. Why is this rematch style of booking such a common practice? I don’t know either….

Afterwards, Masters plays dickhead and beats up on Santino, obviously jealous of the push he got passed over for again. Or maybe he just took it upon himself to do a third rematch next week and have it justified. Maybe they should figure out that MASTERS isn’t exactly a guy to put your new guys against to make them look good. In fact, they may look like shit.

Still more pimping of the Condemned - this time with the other wrestlers. Still not caring.

Here comes Milena - apparently to do commentary for…

CANDICE MICHELLE vs. VICTORIA

Ah, WWE booking. The half of tag team in singles match follow up, page 12. Next week, look forward to Milena vs. Torrie. Oh, the match. Candace opens with the Mr. Perfect flipping seated neckbreaker thing (!!!), but then we go right to hairpully chicky offense, and the near-death of Candice following a headscissors. These chicks REALLY need to stop trying that shit. Candace wins off a wheel kick.

WINNER: CANDICE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Candice running to the ring. I may be hypnotized. For fakes, they still boing good.

OVERALL: The spank hand returns, due to the fact that it was NOT the tag match again, and the aforementioned running bounciness. The fact that it wasn’t the same exact match also helped it avoid the down thumb. But it was still the same ol titty shitty.

Candace taunts Milena afterwards, who calls Candice fat. Now if THAT wasn’t basis for a chick wrestling feud, then what the fuck else could be?

Now we get Edge, one last time (yeah fucking right), with much pyro (like we’re talking opening of Raw pyros). The belt looks much better with him that it would with about 90 percent of Smackdown, so I’m okay with this. He’s headed to the ring and walks around until his music LOOPS before grabbing a mic.

We get the verbal recap of how we got here, and it’s here that I laugh about the angle that would ensue if he cashed it in on Vince’s ass. Not that the ECW title has any meaning of any kind.

He WAS going to leave us with one last Edge match, but nope. He is, however, defending against Batista at Judgment Day, but he’s not worried. But JUST as he’s going to leave - cue HBK.

HBK says why don’t you just leave if you’re going to leave, Edge (suddenly three years old) tells him to shut up, then challenges him to a match tonight. Thank you Edge - that means that fucking Coach vs. fucking Lashley will NOT be the main event.

Speaking of fucking Lashley, here’s Todd with fucking Lashley now. He asks him his thoughts. We don’t get them, as Shane shows up just to fuck with him and to remind him that the Masters of Ego ( TM 23Log) will be at ringside - obviously to NOT run in, of course.

And here they come - I fucking hate Vince, but no where near as much as I hate

COACH vs. LASHLEY

The battle of who is the whiter black dude. This will suck. Opens with a trade of bitch slaps, but only Lashley slapped an actual bitch. Then we go right in to the owning from Lashley, including him hitting Coach with Abyss’s Shock Treatment backbreaker (!), then a big spear. End.

WINNER: LASHLEY

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Coach getting moves done to him. All of them.

OVERALL: This is now the Khali/COACH default score. Is the roster really so depleted that we EVER have to have this penis in the ring? I don’t care if it IS to further a storyline that no one not named “McMahon” gives a shit about. Fuck the Coach. I really hope he hits the needle and they fire him to make an example.

But of course, it’s NOT the end, as Shane and Umaga finally run in and start beating down Lashley, rendering the whole “unless provoked” thing dead. Lashley finally gets out of the way of the running ass-doom, spears Umaga, and tears after Vince, but is body-blocked by Shane.

Now Lashley chases Shane, who jumps in a waiting limo Looney Tunes style as Vince shows back up to lambaste (lambaste?) Lashley with the ECW title. You sly dog.

It’s at this point that JR calls Vince the “Doctor of Hardcore”. So he gets an honorary doctorate in hardcore? Of all the guys they could have given it to, they chose Vince? Fuck off with you. Vince is MAYBE the doctor of Egonomics, but nothing else. Bad joke. Sorry.

Now, Judgment Day pimpage, where it’s announced that Khali’s presence is “awe-inspiring”. His presence is definitely inspiring, but awe is not what I was thinking. Suck, maybe. “suck-inspiring”.

AND, is it just me, or did everyone forget that Cena FU’d Viscera AND Big Show, both of whom were heavier that Khali. Oh, I guess they weren’t factoring in that if they didn’t WANT to be FUed, they wouldn’t have been FUed (file under Selling, NO).

It is now 10:25, which is usually about the time that inconsequential shit happens here in Raw land. Cue Carlito.

CARLITO vs. VAL VENIS (!?)

Val on Raw, eh? I wonder who’s taking this match. But he IS a former IC champion. Like that means anything. Anyway, Val does start in control, hitting his Val knees and legsweep thing. Then it’s mostly Carlito from there, including hitting a top-rope missile dropkick. Venis gets one last burst of offense in, going for a quick rollup and eventually getting a chance to go for the Money Shot (still cracks me up they named a move after a sperm spurt - well, I guess it’s a finisher named after a finishing). He gets the blue balls i.e. Carlito rolls away and Val does not get the Money Shot, which leads to the BackCracker for the win (which is not to be confused for Coachman - the BLACKcracker. Snap.).

WINNER: CARLITO

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Venis didn’t get badly beaten. It’s a good thing Val’s not on Raw that often, because if people beat the Venis too often, they could go blind. Terrible joke. Sorry again.

OVERALL: Not-sloppy Carlito match for once. He stopped trying to get pointless cheers with pointless springboarding. I think he just might be happy he’s heel again. See how fucking easy that was?

Oh, and Flair runs out - Carlito bolts. They’re wrestling at Judgment Day. I figured they’d get this shit over with quick, since there can’t be any meaningful feuds with a PPV every three god damn weeks.

SPEAKING of that, we see HBK backstage with Orton. Orton tells HBK he can beat him. HBK says he’s not doing anything Sunday. They book the match for Judgment Day - Orton vs. HBK. Wow. A 90 second build - perhaps a new record? Meaningful feuds be damned.

Then we get a “taste” of Timbaland’s upcoming video featuring the Diva. I thought he was kidding about that when he mentioned it a month back, like he was put on the spot about it and was just playing it off to get publicity. Nope. And it tastes like silicone, by the way.

Oh goody - an update on Cena’s condition: nothing to worry about, he’s still champ. We even double checked.

ORDER JUDGMENT DAY!!!!!!

EDGE vs. SHAWN MICHAELS

They’re giving this match about 15 minutes - let’s see what they do with it. I just had a thought - Edge came to the ring wearing the Precious - the title that rotted on HHH here for like two years. I wonder if he smells it….Edge had better hope not. Return of the King of Kings, if you will. Sorry, I’m a fucking nerd with no life AND I RUN A WRESTLING WEBSITE THAT VERY FEW PEOPLE READ. But I still rule, so fuck off.

And I hate it when HBK wears that fucking hat.

But there IS a match to be wrestled, so let’s begin. HBK starts out with the fearsome side headlock. Edge begins to punch him. HBK hits a neckbreaker, but the heelage comes back strong until HBK dumps Edge’s ass over to the floor, then the ever-present commercial spot where HBK jumps off the apron onto him.

COMMERCIAL!!!!!

We’re back….and HBK is laid out. They keep mentioning the concussion from last week - it’s more of a hangover after inhaling too much suck. Edge must have heard the announcers, as he begins much punching and kicking - MUCH punching and kicking - about 5 minutes of it. JR mentions he keeps hitting him in the “concust area”. The fucking HEAD, perhaps???

JR = losing it.

Edge hits a neckbreaker, but only gets a two count, so we go to chinlock land. That will take care of it, I’m sure. HBK fights out of it, for he has been to chinlock land many times and hates it there. Shawn begins a comeback, and in doing so, he shows the world Edge’s man-thong. A small exchange on the top rope leads to Edge airballing a top-rope cross bodyblock. Both down. Both up. We get the back & forth thing until the Shawn Series begins, starting with forearm and ending with Sweet Chin Music NOT countered. HBK gets the three count. Wow. He pins the champ.

WINNER: HBK

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The finish was more unpredictable that I made it sound - Edge was totally owning the majority of the match.

OVERALL: Better than average TV match - I wouldn’t expect anything else from these two. I’ll miss Edge, that’s for sure. Also, an interesting note - HBK has now pinned BOTH shows champions CLEANLY within a month, yet Vince McMahon has a belt. Damn it all.

Show ends with Orton running in and treating Shawn like he were a hotel lamp, then standing over him looking all bad ass and shit.

OVERALL SHOW: (1 side, 1 down) - Definitely better than last week, as it were a bit less of the same, but still pretty inconsequential all around. Khali still has Cena’s belt, but Cena’s still champ. Carlito still hates Flair. Hardys still always win. Chicks are still busty and blow in the ring. HBK’s still making bitches look better than they are. ECW’s bullshit is still wasting too much show time. Lashley still doesn’t spend enough time on his own show. Skittles are still fruity and delicious. The only thing different is that Edge is gone, which is great for Smackdown, shit for me. I guess that’s what happens when you’re perpetually building towards a $40 pay-per-view. Something somewhere’s gotta give, including me giving fucks, which currently I do not. The reviews are getting shorter, friends…

May 7, 2007

Another week, another Raw - and if this week starts how last week ended (with the Punjabi Pile), I’m warning you now that I’ll be on early checkout and the review will suck balls (much the way that one Great Khali does - Great (at Sucking) Khali. He he ha ha.)

Good news - doesn’t start with Khali.

Bad news - it DOES start with the Coach. Announcing the entrance of Vince. The ECW Champion. There HAS to be better things on TV….

“No chance, no chance in Hell” of the ECW title ever meaning anything. He should just re-name the fucking brand “VCW” and make the belt out of his fucking face. Dammit anyway….

He’s still wearing the skullie looking thing and says “What up, G” when he gets the mic. Dear. Fucking. Lord. Good ol’ Vinnie Mac gives everyone in the arena a reminder that he’s not only the ECW champion, but he’s also the Chairman (something tells me those two titles are directly related). He then reminds us of the CHAOS that we saw last week with the Punjabi Pile laying waste to four main eventers LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER DONE BEFORE. NO MAN. EVER. BEFORE. Guess that’s why he’s Great, eh? And in case a verbal reminder wasn’t good enough, you get a visual one as well.

Not even MAD video editing skills can make me care about you. You’re big. Good for fucking you. I don’t see you playing basketball - but since you’re so big, why aren’t you? Oh, maybe because you’d suck at that too. So maybe being big doesn’t necessarily make you GOOD at something - being big merely ASSISTS you with being good at it. Kind of like wrestling. I rest my case. Asshole.

Recapping a replay is a bit like watching a sports game after it airs - what the fuck is the point? Back to “reality”, Vince is still talking about Khali and attempts to announce the worst Judgement Day main event he could possibly create - Cena vs. Great Kh-

INTERRUPTED by HBK. Thanks, Shawn - delay the inevitable. HBK tells everyone that had he not been laid out last week, he’d have beaten John Cena and become the top contender (does that seem stupid to anyone else - he has to BEAT Cena TWICE to earn another shot at the title? I repeat - he has to BEAT the champion MORE THAN ONCE to prove that he can fight him for the belt. Fuck off with you). Shawn mentions that instead of being given a chance, he’ll earn it and challenges Khali to a top-contenders match. Vince agrees and makes it no DQ, ensuring that there will be no clean finish to this match. Not that there will be much of a match, as it features one Punjabi Pile, but HBK is in there, so this will actually be a measure of Khali’s true sucktitude. I’m guessing it’ll still be off the charts.

HOWEVER, Vince is FAR from done, as he suddenly remembers he’s the ECW champion and begins the one-man cocksucking show. This is cut off by Lashley, who I’m not unhappy to see right now because that’s how the “E” rolls - “You hate this guy? Here’s someone that sucks harder. Now you don’t hate him so much, do you? Tool.”. Anyway, no bonus achievement points for guessing why Lashley’s out here. He wants his rematch - “you gave HBK what he wants, why don’t you give me what I want? You like him more, don’t you? He was ALWAYS your favorite. I’m going to go steal a car and develop a meth addiction for attention, and it will be all your fault for not loving me enough!” Got carried away…my bad.

Vince reminds Lashley that he can’t touch him, Shane, or Umaga, or he NEVER gets a rematch, then plays the “you want to hit me? well HIT ME” game. Then, for the benefit of only himself, replays the smashing of Lashley from Backlash. Thanks for that. My apologies go out to those who ordered Backlash and have to watch them give chunks away on TV for free for the next two weeks after. Maybe next time you can fold your money into paper airplanes and have a fucking tiny air show - it might be more fun.

Vince is still fucking with Lashley (for WAY too damn long now - don’t BOTH of you have a show of your own to do this shit on?) and shows an old WWE magazine cover with Vince’s head photoshopped onto Lashley’s body holding the ECW title. We’ve officially spent more time on Raw with ECW’s title than ECW does, and about as much time as Raw spends on its OWN title.

Somebody please explain.

McMahon finally gets to the god damn point by giving Lashley the title shot at Judgement Day, but in a REMATCH from Backlash - Lashley vs. Umaga, Vince, & Shane (for the five of you that AREN’T named McMahon that enjoyed their previously epic encounter). Oh, blissful day.

Lashley likes the idea (I’m not sure why - he LOST the first one to VINCE MCMAHON = BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!), but he’d like to show Vince how he really feels but can’t touch him. Vince calls him out, Bobby does nothing, and Vince goes to leave. But we NEARLY forgot about the Coach. Lashley becomes my favorite wrestler on Raw for about two minutes (a la Cena last week) when he beats the poo out of Coach and chokes him with a cord before spearing his ass on the outside.

SuperTool = Owned. El Gringo = Happy.

Guess Vince will be retaining against RVD this week on ECW…in case I needed LESS reason to care about that match. FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH vs. FIVE PEOPLE IN MY FUCKING KISS MY EGOTRIP CLUB. Epic, I say.

Orton vs. Cena will be our main event. Glee.

But FIRST, we see Mickie James walking into Candace’s dressing room, where she assists her in fastening her top. Something tells me she could have done it on her own (hint - they UNFASTEN backwards from how they FASTEN - I know you know how to UNFASTEN). But, if she did it on her own, it wouldn’t have been nearly as, uhhh, hot?

MICKIE JAMES/CANDACE MICHELLE (w/ quasi-lesbianism) vs. MILENA/VICTORIA (w/ quasi-hotness) - DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT WE ARE CUBING THE POINTLESSNESS - NOW EIGHT TIMES MORE POINTLESS - THE RUBBER MATCH, NOT THE RUB-HER MATCH THAT YOU WERE HOPING FOR)

The THIRD fucking time I’ve had to sit through this one. It’s one thing to deal with shitty diva wrestling every week, but the SAME fucking chicks on the SAME fucking teams in the SAME fucking match as we’ve seen all too recently?

I don’t care.

There not even in different outfits, for Christ’s sake….I’m going to flip back & forth to the Warriors/Jazz game and merely inform you of anything exciting - like an implant bursting or some accidental nudity.

Candace wins it by pinning the champ Milena clean after a wheel kick. Maybe I’ll call that one the Tit-Popper, as that’s about as high up as she can get it. That must be the cool thing to do these days; pin your champions cleanly in matches they aren’t defending their belts in, but then have them nonsensically retain each time they are.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDACE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The Warriors were winning when I finished flipping back and forth.

OVERALL: See that? No more stroke points for you. Just two thumbs down - no longer will you get by on the fact that you don’t have wieners. If there was a point for this match other than miscellaneous boobage, I’m listening. Booking? What the fuck is booking?

Next up - Santino Marella, the “fan” who was so obviously NOT a plant - he just HAPPENED to be a part of the OVW roster for the last year or so, which just HAPPENS to be the training ground for the WWE, then just HAPPENED to be at ringside when Vince was hunting for a challenger for Umaga. Just HAPPENED that way. I won’t be too hard on it; definitely a unique debut.

CHRIS MASTERS vs. SANTINO MARELLA - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Here’s your test, dude. Masters starts out bullying him around with his purely natural and hard-earned physique, but Santino comes back with a striking FLURRY - brought to an end by a clothesline. Masters then pulls down the kneepad to go for a kneedrop WITH THE WRONG DAMN KNEE (the way he was going for it would have resulted in one knee to the face, one knee to the chest cavity), which Santino smartly avoids and then begins to literally kick the hell out of him.

Santino goes for the 10 punches in the corner, but gets shoved off by Masters, but upon Masters attempting to make something of it, he gets rolled up. Ah, the rollup - tool of the underdog.

WINNER (AND STILL IC CHAMPION): SANTINO MARELLA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The newbie didn’t look like shit in his TV debut, and he really doesn’t look or wrestle like a WWE standard guy.

OVERALL: Masters continues his downward skid after having his Masterlock broken once and for all by jobbing to the noob. Whereas the announcers are talking about Santino’s slim chances, I’m thinking of Masters’ slim chances. The match was a bit quick for a believable title defense, even against a Heat-jobber-in-the-making like The Masterpiece, but I’m always OK with new talent coming in and not sucking, so I’ll take what I was given. Beats the bloody fuck out of watching the title rot and waste away on Umaga.

After the break, I hear “KENNEDY!!!”, and I say “yay”. He cuts a brief promo reminding us (god DAMN WWE likes to have people remind us of shit all the time - must be all that drinking and cousin-fucking us redneck rasslin’ fans do that goofs up our memory) of his proclamation of becoming champ at Wrestlemania 24, which at the rate we’re going will be against McMahon. Mr. Kennedy…….wait for it…….Kennedy. I ask - brand extension?…………extension?

Maria is backstage with Randy Orton. He tells us that tonight, he’s going to prove that he’s Randy Orton. More or less, anyway. Alert all diva gym bags, legends, hotel rooms, Rey Mysterios, and steroid needles - Randy Orton is going to prove that he’s Randy Orton. It was kind of a face-type promo, though…nothing like John Cena to make the crowd react positively to Randy Orton.

HIGHLANDERS vs. UMAGA - HANDICAP MATCH

Do we still need to keep proving that Umaga is a badass by feeding him a whole tag team? This really doesn’t make Umaga look unstoppable as much as it makes the Highlanders look like butt because BOTH of them get owned and can’t figure out ANY strategy to make it go otherwise.

Umaga starts crushing them both early. Robbie takes the ass bomb, Rory takes the thumb, then Robbie takes a thumb of his own. Umaga stacks them in a 69 and splashes on top of them to crush them both. Game over.

WINNER: UMAGA (LOSER - ROBBIE, FOR BEING FORCE-FED HIS COUSIN’S MEATBAG)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The WWE’s removed any reason to give any shits about the Highlanders, so them being squashed really hurt no one.

OVERALL: Same ol’ Umaga bullshit. And JUST when I was going to get off this guy’s back, they trade him out for Khali and reduce him to doing the McMahon’s dirty work. Uck. He he - two thumbs down - just like the two thumbs DOWN into the necks of the Highlanders. Sweet irony, bitch.

Speaking of same old bullshit, we get more pimping for The Condemned. I guess it needs it, since it bombed HARD. Like Nash dropping the Giant on his head hard. At my local theater, it was playing on ONE screen at ONE showing: 1:10 P.M.
It’s an EPIC BLOCKBUSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brief backstage segment with Edge and Mr. Kennedy - Edge basically asks for a shot at the briefcase, and calls Kennedy out when he says no. Finally, he gets him to agree to a match tonight for the contract, and Kennedy screams in his face……….FACE.

We go from this to the power-suck.

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. THE GREAT KHALI - NO DQ #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

I’m going to attempt to look at this one differently, rather than cut to the double fuck you - if anyone can make Khali look functional, it’ll be HBK. I do not expect much.

We’re informed that HBK’s never faced anyone like the Pile - that’s because all of the 7ft + guys he’s faced could actually sell moves - yes, even Nash.

Shawn jumps on him early and ties him up in the ropes, but gets booted in the face. Khali then hits a scoop slam (which is like every other scoop slam, but from farther up so it hurts like fifty times more), but misses the worlds second slowest legdrop (you can guess who the first belongs to, brother). HBK then remembers the whole no DQ thing and smashes Khali with a chair in the face, leading to his forearm-nip up spot (on a SEATED Khali - funny stuff), then the elbowdrop, followed by the tune up. The announcers wonder if he can even kick Khali, but with a chin like his, it’d be a wonder if he COULDN’T. It sticks out a foot from his face.

The superkick is thwarted, however, as Khali counters and head chops him, then begins to work on him in the corners ever so slowly. He hits a clothsline, then tries the chokebomb, but HBK goes all heel on him and gouges his eyes, then pulls him to the outside. He hits a baseball slide to the outside, then goes to take apart the announce table….a sign of things to come, perhaps?

HBK stands on a chair and tries some sort of DDT thing on Khali through the table, but the Pile tosses him away, then chokebombs him through the announce table (Abyss rule - never set up anything you don’t intend to sell yourself). The referee calls for the bell, because HBK has had enough of the suck and the match must be stopped.

And the horrible words are spoken: “Your winner, and number one contender for the WWE championship, the Great Khali.” And a few of you died inside.

WINNER: PUNJABI PILE (AND ZERO OTHERS)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The chairshot to Khali was my favorite part.

OVERALL: HBK did everything he could based on what he had to work with (side), but Ultimate Suck prevailed in the end as Khali still no-sold his way to next in line for John Cena (middle). Fuck this guy for actually making me CHEER for the FU. Cena vs. Khali will set a new low for suck.

We get a replay of practially everything that just happened in case, y’know, you flipped channels to the NBA game or something.

And, after commercial, they replay it all again in case, y’know, you are cursed with short term memory loss.

Then we get Re-Todd backstage with John Cena, and I have to be honest - I changed channels to see the end of the hoops game. All he cuts are robo-promos anymore anyway; I’m sure he said something about never backing down, never quitting and that the champ is here so if you want some come get some. Sounds about right.

Then we get Cryme Tyme backstage (?!), where they re-introduce themselves to us (since it’s been so long) and offer us a Mother’s Day sale of shit they stole from other people, including Faarooq’s H2 (Damn, I say). The whole thing is interrupted by a fat white dude in a Spiderman costume, who is promptly beat up and robbed. Ha ha. Stereotypes rule.

So far the best part of Raw has been a part of Smackdown = fucking sad.

HARDYS vs. WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

Raw is Rematch again (this one happened a few weeks ago), and Cade & Murdoch are at ringside for it as we begin with Shelton & Matt (A Matt who is fresh off beating Mr. Kennedy CLEAN on Smackdown, who is considered the next guy in line for the belt - all while being half of the tag champs on ANOTHER SHOW. Is there no end to your ruling?). Heels start in control (as usual), isolate Matt (as usual), and make frequent tags (as usual).

Cade & Murdoch are actually pretty entertaining as announcers; meanwhile, Jeff gets the HOT TAG and cleans up the ring with his Jeff spots. A pinfall attempt after the Whisper in the Wind is broken up by Benjamin. Jeff then goes back up to the top, Haas attempts to counter his flippy jumpy offense, but just gets suplexed by Matt instead, leading to the Swanton Bomb as Haas again takes the fall for the WGTT. Maybe it’s all HIS fault they never win….

WINNERS: HARDYS

BEST PART: I *HEART* SWANTONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVERALL: More of the same shit week in and week out from the Hardys. I thought this reunion thing would be really cool, but now it seems kind of phoned in to me. Not that the same old Hardy shit sucks in any way; it’s still more entertaining than 75 percent of both rosters, but just because Men In Black is a good movie doesn’t mean it gets BETTER if I watch it 7 times, y’know? The whole thing just feels like they’ll never actually lose the tag belts until it’s time to push a different team over all others. I’m ready to be done already.

After the match, Cade & Murdoch go for handshakes again, which the Hardys accept. I don’t know where this is going, and that’s a very good thing.

Clips now of the FUCKING FINALLY heel turn of Carlito on Flair, which leads to shots of him heading to the ring w/ apple and Torrie. Hopefully he introduces the two….

But before that, we get a package pimping Snitsky. They don’t even tell us what show he’s on. What the fuck was the point of that?

Now we’re back and Carlito’s in the ring. He goes off on the fact that Flair embarrassed him and he doesn’t need to grow or learn anymore from him. He then calls him out (despite apparently knowing that he’s not in the building - pussy), and after he doesn’t show, he tells us that he’s planning to get rid of ALL the garbage in his life (here it comes….), including TORRIE. Hell yes. He rips her a new one in Spanish, then throws the mic down. Heel Carlito rules. Someone better alert the entire locker room that Torrie is free and she’s taking numbers.

More pimping for the Condemned, which is funny because there are probably more people watching said pimpage than actually have seen the film. Joke’s on you, bitches.

They announce the main event for tomorrow’s ECW as RVD vs. Vince, Shane, and Umaga. Apparently he didn’t earn a shot at anything; just the right to have his ass kicked by three guys - one of whom already beat him once alone. Fuck off with this Vince thing. Here’s where I’d make a comment about RVD going to TNA, but shit isn’t too much better down there right now either…

EDGE vs. MR. KENNEDY - FOR THE MONEY IN THE BANK CONTRACT

Edge jumps Kennedy during his entrance and smashes him with a monitor before the bell rings, so there’s “nothing anyone can do about it”. I always fucking hated that. You can always do SOMETHING. Just DQ the motherfucker the second he gets in the ring. You just don’t WANT to do anything, you pussy ass.

Anyway, since there was nothing anyone could do, Edge rolls Kennedy in the ring, the referee asks Kennedy if he wants to go on, to which he replies “ring the damn bell”, charges at Edge, and gets Speared. End (!).

WINNER (AND NEW HOLDER OF THE CONTRACT): EDGE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Too quick to have one.

OVERALL: It lasted about 10 seconds and obviously only happened to pull the case off Kennedy, which licks major, MAJOR nutsack, but fucking torn muscles abounds (for Ken it was a triceps muscle) caused the audible to be called. I think fucking Batista learned some voodoo shit after his torn triceps - he can cause the muscles of all that oppose him to be ripped from their bones in order to remain the fake-ass top draw of Smackdown; first Taker, then Kennedy (the obvious second choice). Fear the Animal, motherfucker - he will tear flesh from ivory.

I gave it a middle thumb just due to the importance of this happening. We did get to enjoy Edge beating Kennedy with the case a couple times; a sight I could never see again and it would be too fucking soon - I got tired of that bullshit REAL quick. Well, I’ll just look at it this way - Mr. Kennedy will be brought back a face now and get that injury push that even MARK HENRY has gotten heat from TWICE.

Up next - Orton vs. Cena; a match you’ll probably be fed in a few months on PPV and it will be touted as a big fucking deal and they’ll pretend this one never happened. Watch and believe.

JR invites us to look at the carnage at ringside, and I immediately want Cletus Kassidy to show up and tear BOTH of them to ribbons as they show us YET A-FUCKING-GAIN what Khali did to HBK in case, y’know, you died around 9:17 PM and were recently brought back by a necromancer. Can’t we just cut the bullshit and get on with a main event so it DOESN’T start at 11? Fucking twats.

JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON

Cena Reaction Report: Louder than Orton’s, but that’s cause them ladies love them some Cena.

Hey, he didn’t salute when he came out! What will the Corps think of that????

And, right on cue, the bell rings at 11 PM. Yay main event. Orton comes at him strong, but the might of Cena is great and he turns things around, until the might of Cena is counter-balanced by the might of the One Ring…pole. He he ha ha. Orton leads that into his stompy raindance and ever so cleverly transitions that into the chinlock. Oh, chinlock - how I have missed you so, with all of Randy’s wrongdoings and hooliganism.

Cena proves that the Marine is mightier than the chinlock as he powers the hell out of it, leading to the start of the 5 moves of DOOMY DOOM, but upon attempting the FU, the Punjabi Pile heads out to ruin yet another chunk of Raw for me. Prick.

The Pile simply grabs the title belt and walks away, distracting Cena just long enough to allow him to put Orton in the ST-FU (yeah, you read that right). Cena then decides that this match is fucking pointless all around and opts to chase down his bling bling belt, resulting in him being lambasted gingerly in the face/top of head region with said bling bling belt. Khali holds the belt up and Raw just fucking ends there - no bell ring, no decision, no fucking reason or rhyme, but no FU either.

WINNER: FUCK ALL - I WOULD SAY KHALI, WHICH MEANS YOU KNOW WHAT SCORE I’M GIVING THIS MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Khali waited until AFTER the chinlock to come down, so me and chinlock could get re-acquainted, since we’ll probably be seeing more of each other now that Orton’s in the doghouse and therefore not punished in the slightest.

OVERALL: Yup. Fuck Khali. And fuck this match, too - it was literally “you do your stupid moveset to me, then I’ll do mine to you, then we just don’t bother with a fucking ending”. We got no winner or loser; just Khali owning all. And fuck that, I say, fuck that.

OVERALL SHOW I’m done being easy on this crap. I could have missed this Raw entirely and other than Santino Marella’s debut and them calling the audible and putting the briefcase on Edge, I would have missed NOTHING. I almost did just that, as the NBA playoff game was much more entertaining…

Just IMAGINE if the NBA were like the WWE:

- Yao Ming would just be GIVEN a championship ring because he’s huge - mobility be not a factor.

- Ron Artest would have gotten a slap on the wrists for punching the fan had his team been in championship contention.

- The same fucking team would win every NBA finals in the last game, because they didn’t back down nor quit.

- David Stern (the NBA commissioner) would just make his own team and name them the NBA champions.

- They would split the Eastern and Western Conferences and no teams would be allowed to play cross-conference games, nor could they be traded (unless the trade only benefited ONE conference).

- One quarter of each NBA game would randomly be played by chicks that have fake tits, but are no good at basketball

Ok, sorry about that - back to this damn show. Everything was either a rematch from recent weeks, or just completely inconsequential to anything. The only storyline of consequence has been this Khali shit, and if they end up putting the strap on him, Vince keeps the ECW title, and Batista gets the other belt from the InjureTaker, then I think I might scream, kick my recliner a few times, and likely hit my head against something harder than I should be hitting my head against. On purpose. I’d say I’d shoot myself, but that’s the pussy way out.

And I’m spent.

Fresh off the aftermath of Backlash-A-Mania…and our show tonight opens with a horrendous and disturbing image that can only be described as UGH.

Vince McMahon with the ECW Championship next to John Cena STILL in possession of the Abomination.

If there was ANYONE I didn’t want to see walk out of Backlash with gold, it was these fuckers. The ECW title officially comes out of the frying pan and into a fucking inferno - Lashley could handle Mr. Kennedy AND Randy Orton in a tables handicap match, but not ONE guy he’s beaten twice and two NON-wrestlers; one over the age of sixty. We bitch that he can’t ever lose that strap, so this is what we get. Gotta love the “E” - making shit suck harder so the other shit you thought sucked wasn’t all that bad so when we give it back to you you’ll shut the fuck up and like it. Fuck it all - I could keep ranting or just shut up, so I’m going to do the latter because him winning that belt speaks volumes for it’s fucking self. Sorry, that’s it.

Anyway, there’s some banter between the champions (double UGH!) - and for some reason Vince is acting like a black dude - until all is interrupted by one HBK. Shawn tells Cena that sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good (which could likely explain the last two plus years of Cena’s push). Vince, who is still standing there in all his extreme glory, decides to make ONE MORE MATCH between these two for tonight - one that, if HBK wins, he gets a title shot, meaning that would be their FOURTH match. This does two things: ensures that Cena will win regardless, and also ensures that last weeks great match is forgotten.

After the intro and boom-booms, we’re just getting right the fuck down to it:

EDGE vs. RANDY ORTON

This is the match that “didn’t have time to happen last week” - i.e. Orton decides to RKO the bleeding shit out of a hotel room, causing more damage than I thought a hotel room could possibly be worth and wasn’t even there to wrestle.

Edge comes out first followed by Captian Doghouse - we open with the classic staredown + slap business as the heel-fest kicks off with Orton in control early, hitting his stompy rain-dance and kneedrop followed by miscellaneous beatings and chokings. This leads to the commercial spot of Edge being knocked off the apron. Will Edge be able to bounce back? We’ll find out!

Obviously not yet, as Orton’s still piling on the ownage. Said ownage continues until Edge reaches for a handful of balls - least it appears that way - and yanks Randy into the pole. Better than just yanking Randy’s pole like it seemed when he reached….anyway, this leads to Edge quasi-Spearing Orton off the apron, where he actually bounces off the announce table.

This leads to a stall while we get the audio back up (instead of Edge following up with a killer beatdown), Orton gets back in the ring and falls victim to the stompy rain-dance and kneedrop from Edge - that’ll teach you to share your secrets, bitch. Edge now locks in a hold that I’m going to describe as a chinlock, but only if your chin was on your titty.

Orton fights out - gets wheelkicked for his efforts. Edge heads to the top rope, stopped by Orton, but Edge kicks him down and goes for some kind of move that, had he connected, would have caused no damage to anyone. Luckily for Randy, he’s able to counter this non-move with a dropkick. Both men down.

Both men up now. They begin trading blows (which is SO way past Rated R, that’s for sure….) before Orton hits the Bagshitter Backbreaker that I’m now renaming the RoomTrasher, then a powerslam for a 2 count. Edge counters with an Edge-A-somethingorother for a 2 of his own (Edge is like Sting for naming shit - Scorpion this, Edge that….). Crowd is very strangely pro-Orton as we lead to the silly-looking double cross-body spot; the double clothesline spot for them athletic types.

Edge is first up and takes the turnbuckle pad off, kicking of a heelish fucker series of many rollups with tight-pullage and pin attempts with rope assistance (somewhere in there Orton got busted open on a snake-eyes spot). Orton tries for an RKO out of nowhere, but it’s countered into the Impaler DDT (which only a few months ago was ALSO called the Edge-A-Something. GET IT STRAIGHT, PEOPLE!). Edge only gets a 2 count, so he goes for the mighty spear, which is mightily hurdled by Orton. We’re gearing up for another RKO, but Edge is ready with another spear - this one wins it for him. A shock to us all - Orton did the J-O-B.

WINNER: EDGE (NOW HAD HE BEEN A HOTEL ROOM….)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Good series of moves and counters at the end; for a split second I actually thought that Orton might have a chance.

OVERALL: Good match with as clean of an ending as one can expect from perpetual dickheads like Orton and Edge. They seemed to gel pretty well together - something Orton hasn’t been able to do with anyone lately. I’d have given it at least ONE thumb up, but Orton’s well-documented “incident” and the sub sequential slap-on-the-hand made the finish about as unpredictable as the end of a porn scene. Don’t you wish YOU were as untouchable as Randy Orton? Fuck Eliot Ness…

We get a package for the Cena/HBK rematch, which their touting as Cena/Michaels III. III, huh? It’d better not be like some other III’s, like Scary Movie III or Bloodsport III. Just because ONE of them was good doesn’t mean any to follow (or, in this case, precede) will be. Already I don’t care….

Up next - in case you forgot where the hell the IC title went, here come the reminder…

…as Re-Todd is sitting down with the IC champion Santino Marella - it’s his first interview, but let’s show you how we got here…..ok, we’re done - what do you have to say? He’s very proud and people are very proud of him. Next week is his first title defense, and he’s nervous, but he wants to keep living the dream. That’s it. I won’t start shitting on this yet because it’s the most interesting thing to happen to the IC title since Nitro was wearing it like a big floppy belt-shaped wang. And THAT, amigos, is both sad and fucked.

We then see RVD’s comments about Vince winning the ECW title - more or less saying what everyone thinks: he’s officially killed the spirit of ECW. Fuck killed it - mutilated, burned, and raped the ashes of it.

Backstage now with Vince, who refers to himself as the “King of Extreme”. I’m not even going to go there. He tells Shane to make sure that Umaga crushes RVD tonight for his comments, then they share a tender moment where they hug and Shane asks if he can hold the belt. Funny how NOW the fucking thing matters….and it’s not like Shane couldn’t just go get an ECW title made if he wanted one - hell, it’s pretty much what Vince did anyway.

MORE backstage bullshit, this time with Maria (wearing a shirt that would most definitely look better on my floor) who’s with a pissed-off Edge, who tells us he’s going to re-insert himself into the title picture because HE never lost last night and HBK keeps getting all the chances. And he’ll do this whether YOU like it or not, which means we can look forward to a run-in…

Back from break, we may have some wrestling. Cade/Murdoch are at ringside doing commentary, which means here comes the Hardys - one of them, anyway. The weird one. The “Charismatic Enigma” or whatever the fuck they used to call him “down south”.

JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO

Yay! Well, maybe. The seemingly forgotten Johnny Nitro returns to battle his former nemesis - a fact that none of the announcers even come close to playing up (I would later discover why).

Match opens with Jeff in control until, uh, Nitro is. Nitro goes RIGHT for the chinlock (because we shockingly DIDN’T see one earlier in the Edge/Orton match and all would be fucked in the land if Raw went off the air without one). Post-chinlock we go to punching from Nitro, then the SHHHHHHHHH in the Wind from Jeff (catch me!!!). Jeff follows up with a face-front suplex, Nitro bounces back with a reverse swinging neckbreaker, then goes up top. Hardy runs up there, backdrops him down, and hits the Swanton bomb for the win, all while Cade/Murdoch were doing nothing but talking praises for Jeff.

THIS is why they didn’t play up the feud - Nitro was going to be JOBBED the fuck out and it would be silly to remind people that these two were virtual equals for about 3 months. Not like I’d remember anyway; I watch Raw every week forgetting that the previous week usually pissed me off in some way.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Clean finish; no run-in from Cade/Murdoch - completely threw me off.

OVERALL: I’ve seen some terrific matches from these two. This one was not one of them; not even in the same plane of existence as them. Nitro lost WAY too quickly - it really wasn’t that long ago this same guy BEAT Jeff Hardy for the Intercontinental Title. Now he gets pretty much pwned for pretty much no reason. I guess being the IC champ a mere 5 months ago doesn’t mean shit - then again, this is the same title that we’re led to believe was won by a fucking FAN because no one cared enough to come out and challenge Umaga for it. Whatever…and fuck the “yay”, by the way.

Post match, Cade and Murdoch try to shake the hand of Jeff Hardy, but he’s all like no fucking way and leaves in all his fancy beard shaved and filthy colored hair glory.

Approaching Vince o’clock (which I’m now re-naming “McMahon o’clock”), here comes the money. Shane is out there to announce the entrance of Umaga, the Samoan Blowjob Machine (c’mon, how ELSE did a guy who got FIRED while his more-valued former tag partner get the awesome gimmick of a lackey to Shane fucking Helms get rehired with such a push to where he’s being announced to the ring by Shane McMahon and has a total of like 4 losses since? Blowjob machine, that’s how. And he knows all the what for about using that thumb…).

UMAGA vs. ROB VAN DAM

We start this match in progress, as we cut to break after the entrances. That’s the WWE microcosm right there: we televise Shane McMahon’s entrance, his breathtaking announcement of Umaga heading to the ring, and 3/4 of RVD’s entrance to the ring, but skip over the whole fucking start of the match - in a fucking nutshell, kids. Anyway, Umaga is, of course, in control. RVD squeezes a tiny flurry in, but is Samoan Dropped for his efforts. I wonder if, in Samoa, when people are carrying shit, they’re always carrying it across their backs instead of in their arms, so any time they drop their luggage or a basket of apricots or something, it causes them to tip over backwards instead of just hit the ground, hence the term?

Probably not at fucking all, actually.

Back to reality, RVD tries to slam Umaga, but is crushed under the weight of his push and his ass. This leads to more Umaga offense, but, alas, RVD finds a tiny chink in the armor and applies the EXTREME…(dun dun dun)…….CHAMPIONSHIP…………SSSSSSSSSSLEEPERHOLD. Nothing embodies extreme (or Rob Van Dam, for that matter) like the most boring fucking hold of all time. It’s called the SLEEPerhold. It doesn’t just apply to the dude getting sleepered.

But it seems to be working, as Umaga starts to fade. Then he decides he’s not fading any longer and dumps RVD to the floor. Umaga goes after him, RVD returns to the extreme sleeper. This one results in RVD getting ran into the stairs. May want to give up on the sleeper….RVD (complete with post-Five Star Frog Splash face) rolls back into the ring, gets headbutted, but avoids the running Ass of Doom.

This leads to an RVD comeback with some actual RVD offense (including some kicks, prompting another ridiculous JR “educated feet” reference - something about the right one being the valedictorian. Fucking A….”his feet are so educated, they have doctorates!” “Those feet have received multiple scholarships at various accredited universities around the nation” “Rob Van Dam’s feet are double-majoring in pain and swiftness!” Stupid.) , ending with a Rolling Thunder for all of a one count.

Ending = fucky as RVD now goes for the Five Star, but apparently Umaga grabs the throat of RVD (while still taking the frog splash full-on, but never mind that) and gets RIGHT up to THUMB the life right out of him - for three seconds, anyway.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: RVD didn’t get completely buried.

OVERALL:  Strangely, Shane McMahon did nothing at ringside. Another clean finish, plus the fact that it was RVD on Raw, saved this match from (ironically) two THUMBS down instead of just one. Otherwise, it was just like every other fucking Umaga match ever. And now that he’s a tool of the McMahons, the above score is likely the highest you’ll ever see from an Umaga match.

They tell us Cena/HBK III is up next…

….but first, we go backstage with FlairLito. Carlito apologies to Ric for last week and tells him that he got them a match against the Worlds Greatest Tag Team to prove that he’s a winner - because who would be easier to beat in a tag match than the fucking WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM? I am unsure when this match is to take place if our main event is next.

Ok. That’s why. There will BE no Cena/Michaels III (now if only there were no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III). HBK music plays and plays, until we see a backstage shot of HBK all beat down and KO’d. After commercial, a small crowd has gathered around Shawn trying to solve the mystery of who beat him down. Coach accuses Cena, who becomes my favorite wrestler for all of seven seconds when he throws Coach against the wall and he whimpers like a little bitch. Vince shows up and DEMANDS everyone discovers whodunit - the mystery is on!

HBK’s unexpected beatdown was SO unexpected and shocking and obviously NOT supposed to happen that they already had the tag match planned. Fucks.

FLAIRLITO vs. WGTT (ABBREVIATED AS TO NOT EMBARASS THE TEAM BY REMINDING THEM THAT THEY ARE SO NOT)

Flair/Haas start out. Flair does fine, then Carlito comes in and the heels take over. Carlito shows a burst of offense and nearly breaks his damn neck with a hurrincanrana, but after that the formula kicks into cruise control and the “frequent tag isolation heels both beat down face when face partner tries to make save” is what we get for the next few minutes on Carlito. Naturally, Carlito counters a move by Benjamin that hurts him too, and he drags his ass over to FINALLY make the hot tag to Flair. Carlito doesn’t leave the ring though….could this be it? Yep. From a mile away, El Gringo calls the heel turn as Carlito nails Flair with a clothesline. Ric, however, doesn’t just crumble in a heap and get left to be pinned by the WGTT. Nope - even the WORLD’S GREATEST team don’t get to clean this one up as Flair fights Carlito back all the way up the ramp, while Barbie looks on in horror. She’ll be fine - next couple weeks she’ll find a new stick to pogo and she can get back to work on that whore bingo card. Go for “another girl”. I guarantee it would be more interesting that “old man” or “Puerto Rican” or “son of Ric Flair” or “has-been cruiserweight” or “Japanese Buzzsaw” or…fuck it, you get my point.

WINNER: NO ONE (BUT MOST DEFINITELY NOT FLAIRLITO)

BEST PART OF MATCH: The only thing that mattered: Carlito’s long awaited return to the dark side. Now THAT’S fucking cool.

OVERALL: The actual match was nearly a carbon copy of their other one, only this time we don’t even get the courtesy of a finish here. I don’t know why they didn’t ring the bell and just give it to the WGTT - how bad did these guys fuck up so bad to not even be granted a count-out win over a team that was de-existing right in front of them? Other than the heel turn, it was blah-tastic.

Backstage, the trainers find EDGE beat the fuck down this time - who could be committing these heinous acts? It’s like a murder mystery, but without the blood or killing - but plenty of bodies lying around! Coach immediately assumes it’s Orton’s doing, so they set out on an Orton quest. Check the women’s locker room first.

Back from break and I am given quite a treat out of nowhere: KENNEDY!!! My favorite guy in all the WWE parades to the ring and gets on his mic to tell everyone right away that he didn’t take out Edge and HBK because he doesn’t need to do that to get a title shot - he’s got the Money in the Bank. He then teases the crowd by asking them if he wants him to cash it in tonight (*cheers*), then says nope (*you suck*). He responds to the “you suck” chants by saying “I don’t suck, because I have this.”. I love this guy. He then announces that, unlike Edge, he’s going to tell us the date he’s cashing the contract in: Wrestlemania 24. Smart fucking man. I’ve set my 50 bucks aside already. And that’s all he’s got to say……Kennedy…..

Suddenly, we go backstage, and ORTON is laid out now! It REALLY seems like some Scooby-Doo mystery shit now. Now it just has to end with Coach pulling off his face to reveal HHH….Zoiks, Scoob!!!

Coach is backstage now with Vince - he has no idea what’s going on, but Mr. McMahon does (imagine that) and he tells Coach to find Cena, as the guy responsible for this will confront him in the ring tonight. Oooooh - exciting.

And JUST when you thought 10:49 was too late for it….

DIVA-TABULAR TAG MATCH - THE VERY SAME ONE FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO

MILENA/VICTORIA vs. MICKIE/CANDICE (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT NOW FOUR TIMES THE POINTLESSNESS AS THIS IS THE EPIC REMATCH!)

A war of “Diva swimsuit shoots” vs. “You’ve seen our squish mittens” - naturally the ones you’ve seen in the nude are the faces. Match begins with Milena and Candice - back & forth girl-on-girl action complete with screaming and hair-pulling, and no where near as cool as I just made it sound.

Victoria eventually gets involved after Mickie gets the tag, smashing her against the apron before Milena gets the tag, who hits Mickie with a tree-of-woe leapfrog spot. Mickie finally makes the tag to Candice, who kind-of lands a kind-of headscissors before things get all cluster-fucky and cat-fightish, leading to Candice stealing a win with a small package on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDICE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: There wasn’t really anything particularly hot about this match, so if I HAVE to pick something, I’d say it was seeing Candice utilizing the small package - giving every one of you hope that one day, she’ll utilize YOUR small package also.

OVERALL: Same ol’ chicky-match bullshit. Very obviously just filler.

Cena’s heading to the ring for the non-existent main event looking like someone stole his lunch money.

After the final break, the music hits and Cena wastes NO time getting to the ring. No salute? You disrespectful fuck, you!

Cena Reaction Report: Loud, but high-pitched cheers.

Cena’s on the mic - someone is obviously trying to get his attention. As per usual, he’s right here and if you want some - come get some. He strips and gets ready for a fight, because he never backs down, y’know….and he’s waiting….still waiting…..and then it happens. The entranceway pukes and out comes my worst nightmare.

The Punjabi Pile himself - the Great Khali.

After I say “fuck” a few times, I look up from kicking my recliner to see the epic battle of no sell vs. no understand sell unfold - Khali is pretty much destroying Cena, while simultaneously doing something else impossible: he’s actually got the whole crowd universally cheering for John Cena. Success in one department, but oh, so many failures still remaining in the others. Cena does go for the F-U, fails, and gets the chokebomb, leading to an image that invokes such conflicting feelings within me that I’m afraid I may destroy myself: Khali standing with one foot on a completely owned John Cena holding the championship. And that’s what we end Raw on - fuck off with the lot of you.

Let the build towards the worst title match of all time begin.

OVERALL SHOW: This show had some high points; Edge/Orton’s solid match, Carlito finally growing a pair and turning heel, and the surprise appearance of Mr. Kennedy, but it also - putting it lightly - had some low points. Hence the “fuck you”. We just saw the biggest suck-pile in the WWE get put over the ENTIRE order of contendership (including the champion himself) while simultaneously having to process the fact that Vince McMahon is the ECW champion (which means the belt will be defended in ECW even LESS than before - what the fuck is the point again?). I can only hope for Cena’s unfuckwithable push and inability to lose will come out with full-on Marine guns a’blazin’ and this shit dies and goes away with a mighty FU before it has a chance to suck away any remaining desire to give any sort of fuck about the fate of the Spinner belt. Course, then again, if Khali wins, that means the Spinner might go the fuck away AND it would prove that Cena CAN lose that belt by him being pinned in a real match. What a fucked up position they’ve put me in. Damn you, assholes……DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!

Raw kicks off with McMahon. SHANE McMahon, who’s getting cheers for being “Shane”, and boos for being “McMahon”. What I was hoping would be different actually becomes more of the god damn same as Shane O’Mac tells us that the McMahon name used to garner respect and fear (funny, that’s not usually what it garners for me…), but now it’s being laughed at because of bald-ass Vince. He reminds all none of you that forgot that it was indeed Bobby Lashley’s fault that the McMahon name is being ridiculed and he calls his ass out. Maybe he won’t come out - he IS on another brand, y’know…

No luck, as “Sergeant Superpush” heads down to the ring wearing a suit - maybe that means he’s not wrestling tonight! Shane tells him that he took the McMahon family dignity, so tonight he’s taking the only thing that he cares about - the ECW title. Well, at least SOME ONE cares about the belt….either way, he makes a match for the belt between himself and Lashley that will likely become the main event now.
Cue Umaga now, but Shane tells them to back off. Un-cue Umaga. Back in the ring, Lashley ups the stakes by having Shane put HIS hair on the line if he loses. Shane accepts! It’s the Battle Of The…Uhhh…Guys!!!! Maybe this is Lashley’s new gimmick - mess with him, you get BALDED. Something like that…

Our first match of the night will NOT kick things off with a bang, but if there was a “bang” involved it might be a more entertaining segment overall:

MICKIE JAMES/CANDICE MICHELLE vs. MILENA/VICTORIA - DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH (TWICE THE BOOBIES, TWICE THE POINTLESSNESS!)

A few things before we start on the match. First of all, Mickie’s not wearing the skirt thing anymore, so I can’t even fall back on that part and I already care less than usual. Secondly, Milena’s entrance is not that cool when she’s wearing wrestling tights, and despite the fact that it’s cool and all that she can do the splits, calling it the best ring entrance ever is putting it a bit high on the scale, dont’cha think?

To the match, now - things get sloppy early with Mickie & Milena, then we get Candice who actually looks better in the ring than the other two girls - at least until she gets kicked in her babymaker by Victoria.

Heels in control at this point, including a bow-and-arrow like submission from Milena on Candice that would have been damned interesting and perhaps a bit erotic had they had that ladder match camera up there…

Back to reality, we get the hot (hotter with the skirt) tag to Mickie, who hits the Shark Boy neckbreaker, then the sloppy-looking Mickie DDT thing for the pinfall on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE & CANDICE

BEST PART OF MATCH: My fallback is gone, so I don’t think I even know….we’ll just say Milena wasn’t screaming at all. That was nice.

OVERALL: I’ve seen much, much worse - the absence of the Useless Plastic helped this match from staying out of the toilet. However, despite the rating (which is default for Diva matches, as this is partially their purpose), there wasn’t a lot of skin in this match. If you’re going to do this, do it right, damn you.

And JUST when you thought it was over, they show footage of Vince getting his head shaved. Nothing ever ends - it just goes on fucking breaks.

We get Mick Foley backstage now with some little kid who’s “Make A Wish” wish was evidently to be the General Manager of Raw for one night. I can’t say my wish would EVER be to do anything that the fucking Coach has done, but then again, I’m not dying so I should just shut up. The kid does, however, get a hug from Maria, who was wearing approximately 1/5 of a shirt. Wish GRANTED.

Back to the area of ringside, we see FlairLito w/ Barbie heading to the ring for a match. There’s been a shitload of tag matches lately - it’s as if they’re making up for two years of not giving a shit about tag wrestling by saying “here’s some tag wrestling - now shut the fuck up”.

Before said tag wrestling, however, Carlito has something to say. He tells Ric Flair that it’s not everyday you get a wake-up call from a 16-time world champion - and here’s a reminder of just who he is as the segment quickly becomes a plug for the new Ric Flair & the Four Horsemen DVD; complete with footage!

Back from 80’s Land, Carlito also says that WHEN they win tonight (don’t EVER say “WHEN” we win - it’s a fucking curse…), they’ll get a shot at the tag team titles @ Backlash.

FLAIRLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH - APPARENTLY A #1 CONTENDERS TAG TEAM MATCH, UNLESS THAT ONLY APPLIES TO CARLITO AND FLAIR WINNING…

We take a commercial break before this match starts, so we will be joining “in progress”…why can’t we cut out the damn entrances and join the match “as it starts”?

Upon return, we see chopping. hear JR confirm that it is in fact a #1 contenders match for the tag titles, and see the match go into full-on tag formula mode as Cade/Murdoch take firm control against Flair. The evil is, of course, soon thwarted as Flair makes the hot (cool?) tag to Carlito, who brings the mighty hot tag punching before hitting his insanely expensive kneelift, but quickly learns the danger of pointless springboarding as things go awry when he MISSES. This leads to the high/low move (fuck if I remember what they call it - two clotheslines from differing directions) and the win (?) for Cade & Murdoch.

WINNERS (AND #1 CONTENDERS): CADE/MURDOCH (??)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, I guess I’d have to say the surprise ending - not so much Carlito/Flair losing, but Cade & Murdoch WINNING.

OVERALL: It was going to be one thumb side, one thumb down because the match was way too quick and way too formulaic, but I always like being surprised - even if I don’t like the result. Points for surprising me. Give yourselves an ass pat - rarely do you surprise me, Raw.

Post match, Carlito walks away looking like someone just rented the last copy of “Borat” at Blockbuster and he REALLY wanted to see it again, which would be marginally pissed.

Mini-rant alert: I know they’re building towards Carlito likely turning on Flair, but it needs to happen soon - and I have a suggestion: just have Flair steal his boo. He’s still Space Mountain, y’know, and that’ll totally get him all butt-hurt and he’ll settle it the only way a jealous EX-boyfriend knows how - springboarding and backcracking. It’s not like Torrie will suffer anything as far as HER character goes - she’s an on-screen whore anyway whose been with so many different dudes in storyline that she could justify the whole relationship by telling him the only reason she got with Carlito in the first place was to black out the “Puerto Rican” square on her “Whore Bingo” card - a game she’s probably now beating Lita at….

Up next, we get a VERY special look at “The Condemned”. Not just special, bitches - VERY special, so start feeling special. They really should have put Cena in this movie too so there would be some REAL drama as far as the one guy who gets to live in the end. I’d go see that one.

Backstage with Shane & Coach, who gets his hand slapped when he tries to touch Shane’s hair. If Shane’s supposed to be the scum-sucking bad guy, slapping and belittling Coachman is not the avenue by which to achieve that goal. Coach offers him some guidance for tonight’s match with Lashley, Shane more or less tells him to fuck off and leave.

We then jump from one tool to another as Re-Todd Grisham is backstage with HBK. Shawn lets us know that nice guys don’t finish first (read: I’M GONNA BE THE BAD GUY!! STOP BOOING CENA!!) and tonight’s match will be won by the guy who wants it more. Orton interrupts on that note, saying HBK’s days as top contender are over. Shawn retorts by telling Orton he’s the 1000th guy to tell him that, and as a prize he’ll get new dentures - he’ll need them after he gets his teeth kicked out of his face (and NOT down his throat, which is usually what he says will happen - HBK means SERIOUS BUSINESS tonight, Randy). Orton’s all like whatever as we head to the kinda-sorta-should be-main event.

RANDY ORTON vs. SHAWN MICHAELS - #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

We actually have a match WITHOUT McMahon here at Vince o’clock as Orton’s out first, but then wait! HBK’s got the “Sexy Boy” music back!!!! Maybe God finally got tired of being an honorary member of DX and told them to stop pretending. Or maybe they’re actually turning HBK heel again and didn’t want that DX reaction mucking up the waters - even though people actually popped LOUDER for him tonight. Whatever the reason, shits I give not as this match automatically gets at least one thumbs up JUST for doing that. My, how my scale standards have dropped….

Lockups & counters begin the match as things stay even until Orton’s heelish ways put him in control first. Shawn says fuck that noise and brings heelish ways of his own, starting with a chop block and then he goes to work on the knees & legs of Orton. This, of course, leads to the figure-4, which is, of course, countered by Orton kicking HBK via the ass into the ringpole.

Now things are bound to get even more heelish as Edge heads to ringside, who distracts Orton just long enough to get himself rolled up for a 2 count, and it’s that exciting note that we cut to commercial….

…only to return at the tail end of Orton’s famed chinlock. Shawn fights out, but winds up taking that 2nd rope DDT thing Orton does to keep him in control at this point. Being that he is now in control, Orton starts up the “patented” appendage stomping. I’d REALLY like to see the patent application on that:

“So what is this you’re patenting, Mr. Orton?”

“Well, you see, it’s this thing I do where I stomp on a guy, but instead of staying & stomping one spot, I stop around you in a circle”

“Like some kind of stupid-ass stomping rain dance thing?”

“Kind of…”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Get out of here..”

Back to the match - Michaels attempts a comeback, but all is thwarted by a second chinlock - something told me he wasn’t done. Shawn manages to fight his way out (which isn’t hard, being that it IS just a chinlock), while Edge stands on the outside like a drunk freshman college chick in Mexico on Spring Break (i.e. you know he’s going to fuck someone - you’re just not sure who). More back & forth until Shawn nails the referee with his forearm dive instead of Orton, but continues the combo anyway, finishing with the top-rope elbow and then alerting the world of the impending superkick. Enter Edge finally, as he grabs the foot, allowing Orton to clothesline him to the outside.

They’re both in front of Edge now as Orton RKO’s HBK on the FLOOR. Ow. This leads to Shawn being tossed back in the ring and some words exchanged between Orton & Edge. The natural progression of THAT conversation ends up in fisticuffs and the inevitable countered-RKO followed by a Spear. Edge rolls a laid-out Orton into the ring next to the laid-out HBK, then tries to revive the referee, who is STILL barely moving. HBK must have a Luger forearm or something….

A new ref comes down instead and makes the standing 10 count; they both get up at 9, but HBK superkicks Orton and falls on him for the three count. HOWEVER, both of his shoulders were down as well (even though NO part of Orton was touching HBK) and the other referee rules that Orton won the match. I guess it’s still a pinfall because HBK was on top of Orton and therefore there was contact. This must be a WWE-only rule or else we would have seen Samoa Joe lose WAY earlier than after a year. Either way, nothing is solved here, so Edge just declares that HE should be the number one contender and HIS music plays while Orton/HBK are assisted to the back.

WINNER: ORTON, MICHAELS, AND APPARENTLY EDGE TOO

BEST PART OF MATCH: “I’m just a sexy boy….I’m not your boy toy….”

OVERALL: It got the automatic thumbs up just for the “Sexy Boy” theme, but it was still a good TV match despite the “square peg round hole” ending (the finish that we’re really trying to force into making sense, but pretty much looking dumb in the process). They at least made the match seem like the semi-big deal that it truly was. I’m big on that whole “points for trying” thing…

Back from break, we review the finish - showing pretty much without a doubt that Michaels would have been the winner and anyone that makes the argument the other way is just being a douchebag….

….and the FIRST person to make that argument is of course Randy Orton himself. He busts in on Shane McMahon bitching that HE won and what happened out there was unfair (YOU got superkicked, jerky…). Shane gives him the “go talk to your mother” tone and tells Orton that stuff like that is Coach’s problem.

We now discover that the barber shop setup has returned from hell as it is back up at the top of the ramp as clever foreshadowing for the match to come.

And we’re backstage again with the kid GM and Foley, who runs into Val Venis, Super Crazy, Cryme Tyme, Johnny Nitro (who showed up just to mean-mug Mick), and eventually Coach, who, before he can be a total prick to the kid, gets pulled away by Edge who likely wants to bitch about the #1 contenders situation as well.

Slam of the Week is the Hardys winning the tag team titles. Guess who’s coming out next?

HARDYS vs. (BY NO MEANS THE) WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM: NON-TITLE OF COURSE

Begins with Matt vs. Haas, then quickly becomes Jeff vs. Haas (and it is at this point that I finally ask “what the FUCK has been hanging out of his back pocket the last couple years? A hanky that can reach all the way to Smackdown to wipe Matt’s tears away? A fly strip to catch all the stray flies that he doesn’t swat away during his entrance? His emergency line he can follow back to TNA (or, as we’ve seen now, the WWE)? Someone TELL me!!). Jeff attempts to go high-risk early, and gets an AMAZING kick from Benjamin that was basically Shelton jumping to the top rope to spring up and spin kick Jeff in the head. I really can’t describe it - and that’s a good thing.

Benjamin = Underused MUCH too much.

WGTT is in control until Jeff hits the “you caught my leg now feel my flippy twisty kick WRATH!” to get the tag to Matt, who comes in and hits all his Matt spots. Haas gets served to the outside, which leads to a Twist of Fate from Matt and a Swanton from Jeff for the very quick victory.

WINNERS: HARDYS

BEST PART OF MATCH: Shelton’s kick spot.

OVERALL: I REALLY wanted to give these guys a better ranking, but it was just too short and way too one-sided considering the talent Benjamin & Haas are supposed to have. They’re the WORLDS GREATEST aren’t they? Maybe not - now they’re pretty much just a semi-credible team that is used to give other teams a rub (even when they don’t need the rub - see above).

Edge is shown heading to the ring; he looks like he just blew the Coach to get the #1 contender’s spot. But isn’t that kid in charge tonight? That would mean that Edge would have…we’re just going to stop that shit RIGHT there. He is only “Rated R”….that would be a bit NC-17. Apparently the “Cutting Edge” is next. I wish the show was called “Cutting Cena” - then maybe someone else would get to be champion. Share the fucking wealth, ya prick!

Before that, however, we get ANOTHER look at the Condemned - far from the last one I’m sure. It’s a movie based strongly on “pure reality TV”. I’ll repeat that: a MOVIE based on PURE REALITY TV. These scripts HAVE to be written by WWE writers - I’m convinced.

THE CUTTING EDGE (w/ GUEST JOHN CENA)

Edge is in the ring and, of course, comments on the contendership. He mentions that both Orton and HBK LOST (but, to be technical, they both WON too), and Coach agrees that Edge should be number one contender (he fucking would - he’s a tool). This is promptly interrupted by Orton, who is pissed and yelling as Edge bails from the ring. Orton mentions that Coach told HIM that HE should be number one contender (he fucking would - he’s a tool). This is promptly interrupted by HBK. Shawn reminds us that he’s a better man than everyone else and the match at Backlash should be the rematch of all rematches. I’d be the first to argue that another HBK/Cena match would be THE rematch of ALL rematches. Maybe the 135th rematch of all rematches…anyway, this is promptly interrupted by John Cena.

Cena Reaction Report: Very mixed.

Cena makes some random jokes about the three guys packages before he gets to talking about the WWE title. He tells Edge that he fought him in HIS match on HIS turf and still couldn’t win the belt, he tells Orton that it’s HIS fault he’s never gotten a shot because he never had the balls to step up to Cena (cause we all know he’d have accepted it - never back down, never quit, y’know..), and tells HBK if he wants some, come get some - basically just a medley of his t-shirt slogans. By the way, he did ALL of that to virtually NO reaction from the crowd.

Of course we get the Coach’s music, who tells us that since Edge & Orton were the only two to go backstage and blow him….I mean bitch to him, that they’re the two number one contenders (TWO number ONE contenders….) and they get to face Cena in a handicap match where the winner of the belt will be the first man to pin Cena.

Foley interrupts this little charade and reminds everyone that Coach doesn’t make the big decisions tonight, but our Make A Wish kid gets to. He comes out and overrides Coach’s brainfart idea with the actual Backlash match: A fourple threat match: Cena vs. Orton vs. Edge vs. HBK in a “Cena can go over all contenders at once until HHH gets back” match. At least it’s not a “Wrestlemania, only CHEAPER” Backlash main event….

Up next is our main event: Shane vs. Lashley. Didn’t they learn from last week that Lashley + Raw main event = poo? Doesn’t he have another fucking show he can main event? Get off my Raw, asshole! Go be extreme or whatever it is you guys do on Tuesdays…

And here I was thinking that, if ANYTHING ended as far as Wrestlemania 23 was concerned, it would be this whole angle. Instead, we’re force-fed another retarded “Not gonna fire you, but instead make your life a living hell even though I should have fucking learned by now that it always blows up in my face” McMahon angles. It’s just HAIR - it’s not like he raped your sisters and daughters or anything. That whole dignity thing is overrated anyway….

SHANE MCMAHON vs. BOBBY LASHLEY: ECW TITLE vs. SHANE’S HAIR

I was ALSO wrong about Lashley wrestling tonight - I was just HOPING that the suit meant we’d be spared. We were not spared.

Shane attacks Lashley before the bell, throwing him into the ringpole and stairs (just go for the nuts, Shane! That’s how your daddy beat him! Not that you will or anything….). Y’know, having Shane as ECW Champion really doesn’t sound too bad….has Big Show ever been thrown through a sheet of glass by Kurt Angle? Fuck you he has! That and, if Shane WERE champ, that would mean Lashley ISN’T! It will not happen.

Bell finally sounds and Shane’s still in control until Lashley hits an ugly belly-to-belly overhead suplex, leading to Shane CLOCKING the referee in the face to get himself DQed. Fucking figures…

WINNER: LASHLEY (NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH….)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, shit…..Khali wasn’t in it.

OVERALL: the two “fuck yous” are reserved for Khali matches, but this one came damn close. As far as a “match” - there was nothing that could even classify it as such. Terrific main event that reminds us who signs the paychecks - in case you’re a fucking mongoloid and forgot who runs WWE, even though those same paycheck signers have seemingly forgotten what the “E” in their company’s acronym stands for….

As one would figure, this is far from over as Umaga, Estrada, and Vince head to the ring (that almost sounds like some progressive rock band name - U.E.V. for short). Lashley has a tiny burst of offense, but then it’s all assholes from there. Umaga beats his ass, then beats him WITH his ass, followed by Shane swinging a chair for the fences on Lashley’s dome. More beating, then Vince grabs the mic, takes off the silly hat, and tells him that if he wants to take away his dignity, then we’ll see Lashley vs. Umaga, Shane, and Vince for the ECW title at Backlash. His quote: “The ECW title will come to the McMahons..” Something tells me it already has….

Show ends with a thumb up (from Umaga to Lashley) and a thumb down (from the crowd, as they again show their approval of this whole thing by starting up a “BORING” chant)

OVERALL SHOW: It REALLY feels like Wrestlemania never happened. Same storylines, same contenders, same bullshit. Apparently the Road To Wrestlemania keeps going until we run full-speed into “Same-Old-Shit-Ville”. Other than the Hardys becoming tag champs again, literally NOTHING is different, and showing no signs of being different. I’m tired of the McMahons still being the focus of Raw, and now that their big angle involves Umaga & Lashley (which is becoming a fucking black hole of meh - making even the slightly interesting parts of Raw be totally forgotten), I am ensured that no matter what the combination, it all equals two wasted championship belts and a whole lot of suck all the way around. And here I was hoping that post-Mania, shit would start to get much better. Shows what I get for being the optimist, eh?

I’m longing for a Cena vs. Lashley match so the combined forces of their insane pushes causes them both to explode into molecules.

And that’s the note I leave it on….

Mar 26, 2007

Yay! Finally no announcement of any passed-on wrestlers starting off this week, although Raw’s in Chicago tonight so they might be announcing the death of John Cena’s momentum going into 23 if the crowd’s anything like last year’s ‘Mania.

Either way, we start tonight with Coach in the ring. I hate Coach. That’s all I got. Anyway, he mentions that tonight’s Lashley vs. Vince match will now be no-DQ, with any unauthorized outside interference being met with fines and suspensions. This basically ensures that we will see a run-in fest in favor of McMahon. Like you saw it going down any other way.

Suddenly, Coach is interrupted by the GLASS BREAKING (ahhh…just like the good ol’ days) and Stone Cold’s on his way to the ring. Austin starts talking about Trump buying him a bunch of presents to pay him off, when Coach interrupts him to tell him that Vince would never do that. Austin then ignores the interruption to pick up right where he left off, which was that the presents were actually from McMahon.

Stone Cold then declares that he should DQ Vince right here and shave his head for trying to screw with the official, but then Coach, like the true man-tool-slave he is, totally takes the bullet for McMahon and says it was HIS idea. Austin then goes off on a rant about how he’s the boss in the ring on Sunday, then goes to leave the ring.

Coachman then shoots himself in the face by calling Steve back and trying to verbally ass-pat him by telling him that they both make bald look beautiful. He gets the Stunner for his ass-patting efforts. Enter the beer and post-Stunner celebration as Austin leaves the ringside area…

….but he ain’t gone yet, kids - he hops in his truck and nearly runs into McMahon’s limo, who screams at him but then realizes that it’s Austin and tries to kiss his ass. Austin gives him the ol’ FUCK YOU sign and leaves. Vince then beats up and fires his limo driver. Piss drunk with power.

Up next, we get three Playboy cover girls in action - and NOT the kind of action you get on those free DVDs that come with the magazine subscription (so I’ve heard..). The stupid kind of action.

JILLIAN HALL, VICTORIA, & MILENA vs. ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE - 6-BEEEYATCH TAG MATCH

Yay - four times the boobs, four times the suck. It’s about this time that they tell us that the Ashley vs. Milena match at 23 will be a “Lumberjill Match”. This means the ring will be surrounded by all the useless plastic the company employs to make sure that all the blown-spot, hair-pully mayhem will be kept in check. Or, to ensure that there’s so much boobage abounds during the match that you won’t catch on to the terrible match cause you’ll be too busy waiting for a pop-out. Either or. I’m just holding on to the hope that during that match, Satan decides to cash in on Vince’s soul and starts by engulfing the ring in hellfire to ruin his PPV.

Meanwhile, we have a fantastic match on our hands here. We start with Ashley/Milena, then Candace/Victoria as the heels maintain control and work the tag formula by quickly tagging and isolating Candace. But evil is soon thwarted as she makes the kinda hot, but only when airbrushed tag to Ashley, who nails a rotten looking hurricanrana (hurriCANTrana?). Man, she’s terrible in the ring.

Now it’s Ashley/Jillian, where chicky offense results in the worlds slowest victory roll for the win for Team “We’re Over Cause We Got Naked”.

WINNERS: ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh, I’m going to say Candace’s top. It looked like a red bikini that she bought a size too small for her girls, giving us some bonus boob exposed. Not that that’s really THAT big of a deal. You’ve seen her nips.

OVERALL: I thought that there wasn’t a less deserving woman on the roster of the Women’s title when Milena won it. I now recant that statement - there most definitely is. And she’ll probably be the next one, as the belt will soon become the “prize one receives for showing the world your wax job”. One of two things (or both) will happen in their match (and this should be obvious by now): It will suck ass, or someone will get broken. But they book it at Mania anyway, while Johnny Nitro, Paul London, Shelton Benjamin, Chavo Guerrero, and many others get to watch it from backstage. Whatever blows your skirt up, WWE - or, in this case, blows it off.

Moving on, they shill the BOTB (Battle of the BULLSHIT) for the first of what will no doubt be too fucking many times tonight. Look, if you don’t know what’s going on between these guys by now, you’re not the target fucking market and you’re definitely not going to drop 50 bucks on a PPV. Fuck off with you.

Back from commercial, we get “Chicago’s Own” CM Punk? Isn’t he on another brand’s show?

CM PUNK vs. KENNY DYKSTRA

Kenny jumps Punk before the bell, Punk turns things around briefly with a clean-looking double-underhook backbreaker, but then heelish ways take over as Kenny turns it back his way with the CHINLOCK (Heel 101, remember?). It is at this point that an insanely loud CM Punk chant builds (as, again, he’s Chicago’s own) as he gets out of the dreaded chinlock and starts firing back with his offense (springboard clothesline, running knee + bulldog), then his wicked looking fireman’s carry-to-knee-to-fucking-face finisher for the pin. And I’m still supposed to buy that the F-U could take ANYONE out…

WINNER: CM PUNK

BEST PART OF MATCH: The simple fact that Punk showed up on Raw to wrestle was a welcome treat; apparently for the crowd as well, as he probably got one of the loudest chants I’ve heard in awhile. HEAR THAT, VINCE? He probably still won’t get the push he deserves because Vince didn’t create his character. Isn’t that right, Marcus Cor Von?

OVERALL: Match was a bit on the quick side, but both Kenny & Punk are always clean in the ring, and they worked well together for the brief time they got to go at it. Plus, I like CM Punk. That got the thumbs up on appearance alone.

Afterwards, Edge appears on the ‘tron to talk mad crazy mess to Punk about how he’s got no chance in the MITB match, but he’ll have a chance to tell him why he thinks he can win in a special edition of “The Cutting Edge” featuring all 8 of the guys from the match. It’s like an invasion; guys from OTHER BRANDS are coming to Raw. Set your fucking VCRs, amigos - it’s a once-in-a-week EVENT.

BOTB Shill #2 - really, if you don’t know the build by now, you are obviously an undiscovered species of fungus that lives on the underside of deep-ocean rocks. Or you don’t give a fuck.

Lawler does call Vince the “Corporate Man of Steel” after this particular shill. Quick! Someone forge a chair out of Kryptonite before he finds out his weakness!

Ok, that Cutting Edge thingy is happening right now, as everyone’s standing in the ring waiting for Edge, who comes in and gets on the mic. First, he obviously has his priorities in line as he totally pimps himself and his ladder match prowess, his Wrestlemania record, and his ability to fuck the girlfriend of one of the guys in the ring and avoid getting his face punched in even though he not only stole his bitch, but turned it into the biggest push of his life. He didn’t say that last part.

Now, he’s going to give everyone in the ring a chance to tell him why they think they can beat him:

What they said:

Matt Hardy: “You’ll be on your back like your ex-girlfriend”

King Booker: “None of you peasants have had the reign of King Booker”

Finlay: “I’m tired of all the talking”

Randy Orton: bitches about Edge

Kennedy: “Misssssssstttttaaaaaaaaa Keennnnnnne-” (Edge ripped the mic away before he could finish)

Jeff Hardy: “I’m going to steal the show”

CM Punk: “All you’re doing is running your mouth…”

What they should have said:

Matt Hardy: “I hate you and I hope you get cancer of the face”

King Booker: “You know, I wouldn’t even be in this match if I’d have shot Batista instead of punching him”

Finlay: “I’m too old to be falling off bloody ladders - can’t you young bucks get over on your own?”

Randy Orton: “I wonder how many people I can piss off and still get put on Wrestlemania?”

Kennedy: “Damn - they want me to make SEVEN of you look good?”

Jeff Hardy: “Thank GOD I got out of TNA - the last thing I needed was to be in a silly gimmick match. Wait…..”

CM Punk: “How sad is it that I’m the most over guy in this ring and I’ve been on TV for less than a year?”

This whole shebang leads to the inevitable brawl, which Edge inevitably runs the fuck away from, until the faces notice this and toss the heels out of the ring on their asses, leading to them chasing Edge. Yup.

Back from commercial, we get Maria (yum) backstage with Cena (damn).

Cena Reaction Report: Quick pop, then boos. This is the same town that crucified him last year at 22, though..

Cena cuts a promo, but it’s actually not like the majority of the promos he’s cut for the last year - it’s actually not bad. He runs down the different kinds of people at Wrestlemania this year before getting to himself and Michaels, whom he calls “two of the most controversial and charismatic individuals of all time”.

TIME OUT. I’ll give those things to HBK, and I’ll even give the charisma part to what Cena USED to be, but this controversial thing is getting out of hand. “Controversial” as it pertains to Cena is merely a bullshit excuse to explain the terrible crowd reaction he gets from those “defiant crowds” from time to time because they won’t just nut up and turn him heel because he’d sell less t-shirts. Cloning is controversial. You are just the end result of bad booking.

Back to the promo, where Cena says that after WM 23, there will only be one man talked about for years to come (Vince?); the man who toughed it out to say “the champ is here”.

BOTB Shill #3 - Blah. I’m out of fucking jokes. Here’s one: What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

Moving on with Raw, now - it’s Vince o’clock. Time to put the kids to bed, as shit’s about to get completely unbearable.

Right on time, they’re gearing up for Lashley vs. McMahon. I guess he decided to have his WRESTLERS as the WRESTLING SHOW’S main event. Good call.

But before that….BOTB Shill #4. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH FUCKFUCKFUCKAAAAAHHHH!!!

I feel better. For now.

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. VINCE MCMAHON - NO DQ LIKE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MATTER AS THIS SHIT IS NOT GOING DOWN MATCH

Vince is out first in all his non-billionaire swaggering glory, followed by Lashley with his double pyro-pop. I was secretly hoping Vince would forget about the ringpole pyros and totally pull a James Hetfield, torching his ass. He didn’t.

McMahon starts by grabbing a microphone (of course) and, to the shock of about thirteen people, announces that he’s not going to physically embarrass him, but embarrass him with his intellect. The very same intellect that thought pushing Test was a grand idea. Either way, he jumps out of the ring as the bell sounds, which brings Cade & Murdoch running down the ramp. Here comes the B.S….

Lashley owns them both. Enter Chris Masters now. Lashley digs him up from his burial last week and owns him too. Johnny Nitro runs out now. Lashley owns him too. If Joey Mercury didn’t get his ass fired, I’m sure he’d run out and be owned as well. Now that a good chunk of the Raw roster has been completely buried, things get marginally more interesting as, SHOCKINGLY, Umaga comes out.

The brawl begins as we are reminded that it doesn’t matter if they give this match away on TV because it’s so not even close to being about these two wrestling.

Things get really stupid now as Vince nails Lashley with a low blow, which leads to a Samoan Drop from Umaga, then to the three count (!!????) as McMahon makes the pin.

WINNER: VINCE MCMAHON (HE GUARAN-DAMN-TEES IT!)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Lashley got pinned. But it was by Vince, so it’s kind of like saying the dirt tasted good because it wasn’t poop.

OVERALL: Ok…now everything that happened here I expected. Except for the whole “Lashley can’t be fucked with, but a pop in the junk and ONE MOVE will end that bullshit once and for all” part. I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked that Lashley goes on a fucking DEATH WAVE of a push, only to be owned by the “McMADMahon” as JR called him. Totally made Lashley look weak, and makes the fact that he beat both Kennedy and Orton in a handicap match on Smackdown look so much worse.

Afterwards, they continue to hint at who’s leaving ‘Mania bald as Umaga runs through his moveset on Lashley, allowing Vince to pin him a second time. Man, he should have made him put the ECW Title up too. Then McMahon could really piss the name away. After all of this, in theory, Umaga should have learned that to win, all he has to do is kick Lashley in the nads and Samoan drop his ass and we’ll see a bald D.T. But that’s theory - it has no place in wrestling. Fucking Lashley. Fucking Vince. Fucking Umaga. Fucking Trump. Fucking match. Fucking shill. Fucking A.

After break, we get the inevitable recap of what JUST happened (in case you slipped into a time-space vortex over the last couple minutes), then we see Vince leaving the arena. Something happened. Eugene was there. I tuned out during this. I think I might have been pondering the 233,623 things I’d rather be doing that looking at McMahon right now.

Hey! Double bonus tonight! It’s KENNNNNEDY!!!!

RANDY ORTON & MR. KENNEDY vs. THE HARDYS

They’re not the Hardy Boys any more…probably a good time to stop with that (even though Shawn’s still the “Heartbreak Kid” at over 40, but the “Heartbreak Man” sounds dumb as hell, so we’ll go with it). Anyway, Orton & Matt start off in a battle of “Deserved To Be Canned But Wasn’t” vs. “Didn’t Deserve To Be Canned But Was”. Jeff gets tagged in, followed by Kennedy (let the owning begin). He throws the hell out of Jeff to the outside, Randy goes after him, and the tag formula now hits full swing as the heels begin to isolate Jeff.

Orton gets the tag from Kennedy, which brings on a flurry of appendage stomping and a brief glimpse of a chinlock before bringing Kennedy back into the mix. Jeff begins his comeback with the Whisper In The Wind, then hot-tags Matt Hardy, who nails a Side Effect on both guys (better than the “side effect” he let Edge have when he knocked the boots with Lita - sorry, Matt himself made a Lita joke tonight, so I felt like it was OK to bring it back one more time). He goes for the Twist of Fate on a now-legal Orton, but Kennedy is there to say fuck all that.

We then wind this one up as the Hardys nail a Poetry in Motion on Orton, then try it on Kennedy, who obviously had JUST watched them do the same thing to Randy and felt it was a good idea to get the hell off the other turnbuckle when Matt squatted strangely in front of him. Point is, Jeff nails the turnbuckle and is out of commission, but Matt goes for another Twist of Fate, this time on Kennedy, but in a TRUE twist of fate, he is shoved into an RKO.

WINNERS: ORTON & KENNEDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Again, the surprise appearance in the ring of one of my favorites. KENNEDY!!!!

OVERALL: Average match that followed the tag-team formula, but we saw a clean finish with a heel team actually winning off their heel strategy. It’s been so long, it seems…

Next Hall Of Fame inductee is Jim Ross, which the Rock calls “The John Madden of WWE”. That’s about what I think, but not in the complimentary sort of way - in the “mute the fucking commentary” kind of way. I guess he deserves it, though, his voice is plastered on just about every major event in WWE history after Wrestlemania 13. It’s just tough listening to him try and sell something that, every once in awhile, I’m just not buying. Not his fault, I guess….but the phrase “LOOK AT THE CARNAGE” is his fault, and every time I hear it I just want to shoot him in the face and scream the same thing. We won’t end this on that note, however, as he most definitely is one of the most recognizable voices in wrestling history.

JR tenderly waves to the crowd as they applaud him, but then Khali’s music hits, which Lawler appropriately calls “a buzzkill”. Amen. This is most definitely worse than Ross being inducted, especially since he’s wrestling…

THE GREAT KHALI PUNJABI PILE vs. RIC FLAIR

The battle of “No Sell” vs. “Can’t Sell” begins. Khali actually backdrops him in this match - he must have done his Ric Flair homework. But not much homework, as he no-sells the chops and we end up on the outside where he’s about to slam Flair on the stairs. Thank god for Carlito as he, mercifully, makes the run-in, leading to the DQ.

WINNER (BY DQ): THE PUNJABI PILE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Carlito ran in and make this short and so fucking not sweet.

OVERALL: Khali score.

After the match, Khali destroys Carlito. But, alas, the destroying comes do a halt as KANE the MONSTER shows up with that damn hook again. USE IT! USE IT! PLEASE HOOK HIS ASS!! Nope. No hook. Khali takes a couple punches and bails. Kane makes the poles go boom. Fuck it all.

We’re about to that point in the show where there’s no wrestling, but it would be silly to start the main event early so they just cram bullshit into one period between two commercial breaks that doesn’t really amount to anything. This week, we get the grab bag of:

- Promo for the Condemned. Go see it. Because Stone Cold said so. Or something.

- Rundown of Wrestlemania card. (They remind us that the “Lumberboobs” match is a Wrestlemania first and “anything can happen” in that match. I call bullshit.)

- Promo with HBK, who is looking way too tan. He basically just says that Cena’s like every other big name he’s faced - they’re all gone and he’s still here. He’s winning the title at ‘Mania (dream big, Shawn), but tonight he’s got his back.

- 8-man tag on ECW featuring all of ONE ECW wrestler as the 8 MITB match guys take each other on. Interesting note - Edge is on the face team. Probably means he’s not going to wrestle.

NOW we get to our last break - main event is next!

BUT NOT BEFORE BOTB SHILL #5. FIVE!!!!!!!!!

SHAWN MICHAELS/JOHN CENA (CHAIN GANGERATION-X) vs. UNDERTAKER/BATISTA (UNDER-DAVE) IN A FUCK YOU IF YOU BOUGHT NO WAY OUT MATCH

Enter Cena @ 10:53, followed by D+. Then, RAW IS BLAH as Blah-Tista heads to the ring with his pyro pop. I still don’t get his whole taunt thingy he does to those. Maybe I just have to be blah to understand. Speaking of UNDERstanding, here comes the UNDERtaker, who’s not taking near as much time as usual because it’s 10:5fucking8. Plenty of time for a quality match. Well, maybe not quality, as we do have Cena & Batista here.

Taker starts off against Cena, and this crowd is officially shitting on ol John each time he gets any offense in. Crowd goes nuts as Cena’s about to get chokeslammed, but HBK makes the save to a mixed reaction. Batista runs in and clears the ring, leaving Taker and Dave alone. They start to square off with each other, but Cena runs back in to yet another chorus of boos.

We’re getting “Cena Sucks” chants while he and HBK work on Taker, while Batista apparently went and got a fucking cappuccino. We go back in the ring, where the crowd’s totally cool with HBK and Taker, but then go to full-on “fuck-off” mode when Cena gets tagged back in. Taker gains control, but then Dave makes a blind tag to get in the ring with Cena. The crowd’s heads then explode.

Actually they’re still shitting on Cena until he tags in HBK, which now gets EVERYONE in the ring. Cena takes a spinebuster from Dave (one of his TWO moves of Doom), while Taker’s about to Gorilla press HBK out of the ring. However, Taker decides it’s his turn to fuck over Batista and throws Shawn at Dave when he goes to Batista Bomb Cena. Taker then bails on Dave’s bitch ass, leaving Cena/HBK to double team him. This brings us to a mind-numbing DOUBLE 5-knuckle shuffle (twice the FIST, twice the POWER), but then Shawn FINALLY decides now is the time to superkick Cena, making him the clear face/heel in their match as the crowd pops HUGE for it. Congratulations, it’s officially past the point of anyone really caring. Batista, his head obviously pounding from the double-fisting, throws an arm over Cena for the win.

WINNERS: BATISTA AND I GUESS UNDERTAKER TOO

BEST PART OF MATCH: I’ll go with HBK finally superkicking Cena. Better late than never, I suppose.

OVERALL: This match did what it was supposed to do - add very little to the main event, as this is the last Raw before 23 and they can’t shake shit up TOO much. You’re already ordering it for the Battle of the Billionaires, right? It served its purpose and nothing more.

Here’s the stupid thing about this ending, though…if this was intended to have Michaels seem like the heel, then it’s clear that they want a face-heel alignment for this match. Why turn the guy the crowd will NOT boo? Because. That’s why. Shut up and watch.

Oddly enough, after HBK taunts Cena with a “you can’t see me” and a belly chop, they tell us that there will be more Raw after the commercial….

….where they replay the superkick and taunt, THEN end the show. Eh?

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was better than last week; there were even a few surprises thrown in (at the expense of the brand extension’s integrity…wait - what integrity?). I got what I expected out of this week’s show, being that it was the Raw before the biggest PPV of the year (how Khali got a match on there I’m still unsure. He must be the only guy on the roster that can fit a grapefruit in his mouth…..: ). Shawn finally turning on Cena was supposed to feel like a big deal, but for some reason I just didn’t really care when he did it. Maybe I’m just a jaded asshole who is near positive that Cena’s winning now that he got laid out on the Raw before. As much as I love being right, I really hope I’m wrong sometimes. Meanwhile, back to this grade - nothing truly wrong with the show, though, but nothing that would cause me to give it a better than average grade. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!! Forget NOT, bitches.

Ghost.

This week, we continue to piss away any continuing reason to have a brand extension (other than the fact that with a brand extension, someone else can be a world champion without Cena ever having to drop the title) - it’s Wrestlemania Reversal Night!

DX music hits as D+ (Shawn & God) head to the ring. Apparently we’re starting off with the first match of our reversal thingy - JBL vs. HBK; battle of the acronyms. JBL is out next w/ limo but w/o wrestling gear. Damn it - I figured they wouldn’t bring him out of retirement. Gotta love the WWE - two years ago I wanted JBL to die in a fire, and now I actually MISS the guy because things have been so weak since then. Maybe it’s all part of some plan….

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JBL

JBL’s in the ring and on the mic, bitching about how he had to come all the way here to wrestle because he was told to. NO ONE tells JBL what to do - he’s retired. It’ll be his terms if he comes back. Apparently these weren’t his terms. Strangely, JBL then puts Cena over Michaels, saying he’ll kick Shawn’s ass because Shawn won’t take the shot at him. Bradshaw then calls him an egotistical prick, then they censor the rest of the sentence - I love it when they miss. Basically, the rest of his promo involves putting HBK’s “mind games” over, then cutting him back down by saying that he probably knows he can’t beat Cena and that’s why he won’t backstab him, then ends with him calling HBK “pathetic”. Great promo with great heat on Bradshaw. If he could do one thing right…

Shawn then grabs the stick and says “nuh uhh”. Actually, he says that maybe the “lack of mind games is the best mind game”. Sure. He can and will beat Cena, and then he declares that, like JBL, no one can tell him what do to, including when to hit Sweet Chin Music, which then prompts him to so NOT unpredictably nail JBL with said Sweet Chin Music. Great start to Raw for me; I was actually looking forward to seeing how JBL looked in the ring. I should have known better than to think they wouldn’t hype the ever-loving hell out of Bradshaw’s return. Fuck you very much, Raw.

After the break, they shill the BOTB TWICE in one promo (we’re keeping count tonight), once with a package, once with another stupid-ass “Tale of the Tape”.

Edge is backstage and Orton breaks in, bitching about how he left him hanging at ECW. Edge tells Randy to calm down, but then gets all totally pissed and shit when Orton actually out-heels Edge by telling him that because McMahon was upset that Lashley didn’t get his ass kicked, he made a last-chance battle royal for Edge’s MITB match spot. The score is now Randy 1, Edge 2. I’m out of funny things to say about this angle. They’re both super-cocks trying to out-cock each other.

ANOTHER Masterlock challenge? There has to be a reason for bringing this shit back. They run a quick video package showing the mighty submissions of guys like Super Crazy and Jerry Lawler before we see who’s getting the chance this week: LASHLEY, who according to JR his appearance is “shocking us all”. Only if “us all” are the three people alive that are tuning in to Raw for the first time ever this week. He’s been here every fucking week, Ross. Either way, they start the challenge, with Masters doing the whole “tease it, but then don’t apply it because shit don’t feel right” thing before slapping the back of Lashley’s head. Ok. Bobby then gets up and slaps him back, then we finally get to the god damn hold itself. We’re up to like a minute and Lashley’s fading…..then he all of a sudden BREAKS it. Wow. That whole thing is over - that explains the video package. They are trying SO hard to put Lashley over; burying everyone they can to make people care about this guy, and still very few care. Meanwhile, Masters no longer has the one thing he’s been holding on to since his debut, unless he comes out with the official rulebook on Masterlocks next week and declares that if at any point the Masterlock is broken by an overpushed champion on a resurrected and rotting brand, it is an unofficial breakage and therefore you can still walk around toting that your hold is unbroken. Probably not though - Masters, it was not that much fun while it lasted….

MASTERLOCKS < UNFUCKWITHABLE PUSHES

No wrestling yet….

We DO, however, get another promo for Ashley’s Playboy. Damn it anyway - isn’t this shit supposed to stop after the magazine hits shelves? Anyone who’s curious has already bought the mag or seen the pics online. Who are you shilling this to, exactly? There is a point where the Useless Plastic herself says “The thing I love about this pictorial is that it’s me”. Fucking profound. “It’s me, except the tits. Those weren’t always me”. I say no more - hopefully never again.

They replay the breaking of the Masterlock. You’d think Lashley just won a gold medal or something with the way they’re treating his accomplishment. Amazing how they all expect us to care about Masters and his bogus challenge now that it’s OVER (WHICH, by the way, it had better be, or else no good came from this whole thing).

Now Lashley’s backstage, runs into Vince, BOTB Shill #3, Lashley’s tossed from the building, Vince flirts with Maria, Eugene spills coffee on him, Vince puts him in a match, tells CoachSlave to go find Umaga, Faarooq says “damn”. So much happened here, yet so, SO fucking little…

Short tribute to Arnold Skaaland; old wrestler and great manager. You’re too young to remember this guy.

STILL NO WRESTLING!!!!!

Hey! Wrestling!

LAST CHANCE BATTLE ROYAL FOR FINAL SLOT IN MONEY IN THE BANK:

KENNY DYKSTRA, SHELTON BENJAMIN, CHARLIE HAAS, JOHNNY NITRO, VAL VENIS (?), VISCERA, SUPER CRAZY, RIC FLAIR, CARLITO, AND EDGE.

It’s a standard over-the-top battle royal; in case you morons don’t know how it works, our Lillian replacement for the night drops the knowledge on us. We start with basic battle royal offense, with guys trying in the most ridiculous ways possible to eliminate each other. The whole ring then turns to the 500 pound waste of virtually everything Viscera and gets him the fuck outta town right away. Thank you, ring full of dudes; if he were in a MITB match I would probably just start cutting myself right now.

VISCERA ELIMINATED BY THE WHOLE RING

It’s about this point that Edge rolls under the rope and starts to sell an “injury”. Great…here we go again…back in the ring, nothing of worth has happened yet. You can, however, hear Flair chopping the hell out of someone here and there. Next elimination is Super Crazy, about whom we are reminded that his name is Super Crazy because he’s both Super! and Crazy! I must be a total fucktard; I never caught that.

SUPER CRAZY ELIMINATED BY WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

We then go to break, which means that when we come back they’re will be noticeably fewer guys in the ring, as this is the rule for ALL TV battle royals. Am I right?

Yep - during the commercials, we saw (did NOT see):

VAL VENIS ELIMINATED BY JOHNNY NITRO (VAL VENIS??!!)

and

CHARLIE HAAS ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Edge is still out selling some injury. Doesn’t anyone remember that he’s just being an asshole? We have another couple eliminations now as Shelton goes for his top-rope vertical leap thing and…

SHELTON BENJAMIN ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

Which is quickly followed up by a top-rope crotching on Kenny, then a chop of doom:

KENNY DYKSTRA ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

and

JOHNNY NITRO ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Which brings us to the same shit that we’ve seen the last two weeks from these guys; chopping and pointless springboarding abounds. Back & forth between these two until Flair eye pokes Carlito and proves how he pwnes this ring full of n00bs:

CARLITO ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

That makes Ric Flair our winner? Of course not, as Edge is healed from his injury and, to the surprise of maybe six people alive, rolls back in and tosses Flair out on his ass.

RIC FLAIR ELIMINATED BY EDGE

WINNER: EDGE, WHO KEEPS HIS SPOT IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Not really anything other than Edge doing a good job fueling his dick fire *insert tired old Lita joke here*

OVERALL: First of all, they really need to create an “Edge Rule” for these battle royals; if you’re outside the ring for more than ten seconds, they start counting your ass out. It was a great heel tactic the first couple times, but it’s a bit silly now and if it happens again, the “over-the-top battle royal” is officially broken until repaired. At this point, you could jump in the ring, roll out, go have a green tea and a fucking bagel and show back up at the end to claim victory. Not cool anymore. Now, as far as the match, I’m unsure what changed here, as well as unsure of the point of this whole thing other than to piss me off when I’m given false hope of either Nitro or Benjamin getting into the match they both would OWN in. It gets one middle thumb because it could have been much worse. Viscera could have won it.

Tonight, we get our first look (first of what will end up way too god damn many looks) at Steve Austin’s “The Condemned”. Prepare to have yet another movie forcefully rammed up your smarky asses.

And, right on cue (as it is 9:56 - Vince o’clock) , here comes McMahon w/ slave and a bunch of guys who bring the barber shit to ringside….next is Umaga vs. Eugene. FORESHADOWING???!!??!?

Vince says the same shit - BOTB Shill #4 - and then introduces UUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGA, with the IC title that I already forgot existed.

UMAGA vs. EUGENE

There’s no point in recapping this one. Umaga most literally squashes Eugene (repeatedly, with his huge savage ass) and then the Thumb. We’re done.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Eugene getting owned always makes me laugh.

OVERALL: Total and true squash. I’d give it two “fuck yous”, but he squashed Eugene, so I’ll let it slide.

After the match, Vince gets an idea (oh, shit - not another ABORTION angle???!?!?) - he’s going to make an example for Trump by shaving Eugene’s head! Umaga thumbs Eugene one more time before they strap him to the chair and Vince goes wacky with the clippers, butchering his hair before delivering the feared and now surely patented “Billionaire Bitch Slap”. Every time I hear Vince say that I just picture him being dipped in a vat of acid.

They take Eugene to the back to “finish the job” as McMahon declares that he’d shave everyone’s head in this arena bald! Trump drops money, Vince drops HAIRCUTS.

Raw’s the best show on TV.

Back from break, Candace Michelle is in the ring wearing what I can only describe as cut up pajamas. She mentions something about Milena having issues with Playboy cover girls and calls her bitch ass out!!

Milena comes out and says something to the effect of “the only reason you still have a job is because you take off your clothes”. This isn’t news, chica - it’s the WWE. Of COURSE that’s why she still has a job. Then she mentions that Playboy chicks have no talent and that Playboy is beneath her. Candace tosses a burn her way (something about the locker room being beneath her, while backstage only Johnny Nitro laughs) before calling her out to a Bra & Panties match, which prompts Milena to drop skirt and shit all over her argument by agreeing to face her in a match that promotes the god damn opposite of what she’s saying. That’ll settle the fucking score. JR totally taps into Lawler and says “Oh my God! Bra & panties - we’re going to get it on!” as we head to break.

CANDACE MICHELLE VS. MILENA - BRA & PANTIES MATCH

This goes how they all go, friends. We’ll just mention the good parts. Candace pulls off Milena’s skirt first, which totally pisses her off.

Side note: I feel awkward every time JR says the word “panties”. I can’t really explain why.

Now Candace loses her top as the ring gets totally PG-13 with some kinky roll-around-the-ring-half-nekkid shit, before Milena finishes the job by pulling off the half-pants Candace was rocking. That shit is officially settled, bitch - I’ve forced you to show the world only a tiny portion of what you’ve already shown them yourself. Recognize.

WINNER: MILENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The obvious

OVERALL: The side thumb is for Milena’s butt this week. I’ll give you one guess what the symbolism is there…

We’re not done with the pointlessicity as the Useless Plastic heads to the ring, doing what all chicks do to the winners of Bra & Panties matches - WE ALL WIN as Ashley pulls off Milena’s top for her. She rolls out of the ring, suddenly very modest and self-conscious about showing the world her bra, when on the weekly she practically shows her taint to the entire planet. Big fat whatever.

Shit turns to a substance so sucky that it does not yet exist as this whole fiasco is interrupted by KHALI. Milena takes one more crack at Ashley before she bolts, leaving her in the ring with the Punjabi Pile. He starts choking her ass, before Lawler (?) jumps up from the announce booth to make the save. This results in Lawler being chokebombed and a whole fucking lot of nothing else.

They shill two more matches for the night w/o voice-overs (WOW! WRESTLING!), one being Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton up next.

BOTB Shill #5, as we ask more B-list celebrities about the match. I’m running out of jokes for this whole thing, so I’m just going to say “fuckbeans”.

Re-Todd Grisham is replacing Lawler for the next match. Hardy heads to the ring still selling Khali’s chokebomb from last week; this guy throws himself off 12-foot ladders, but can’t take a bump in the ring from about 2 1/2 feet off the ground? Khali must poison you with suck venom before he drops you or something…anyway, Randy’s heading to the ring all about bid-ness as we skip the pose and pyro and go right to the ring.

JEFF HARDY vs. RANDY ORTON

Back & forth to start out until Randy hits the Bagshitter and begins the feared appendage stomping for a 2-count, which you would think would lead to a chinlock, but actually leads to the “Walls of Chinlock”. Apparently, Randy’s trying something new this week and is actually working on the “injured” part of Jeff Hardy. Edge had better watch out if he goes into MITB with that broken jaw, as Orton will OWN him with his chinlocky goodness.

Hardy gets out and mounts a comeback, hitting the Flippy Twisty I’m Not Sure Which Part Of Me Is Supposed To Hit You In The Wind, before Edge makes his heelish presence known by running out and throwing a ladder in the ring. Orton can’t resist being a bastard and hits Jeff with it, causing the DQ.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: 100% chinlock free! Holy SHITBALLS!

OVERALL: This match existed solely to add fuel to the fire between Rated RKO. It did that. It did nothing else.

After the match, Edge & Orton have words before Hardy attacks Orton with a Twist of Fate, then sets up the ladder to nail him with the leapfrog legdrop (I always dig that spot). Edge leaves Randy’s ass there and walks away with that smug Edge look on his face. You know the one. Is it weird that I already care more about an Orton/Edge feud than either of the two ‘Mania main events? No it isn’t? Ok.

Up next - the sneak peak at the Condemned…..and it looks like “The Running Man” with Austin. Thanks - I’ll pass. This one, even MORE than Kane’s or Cena’s, is going to rely SOLELY on people going to see it for Stone Cold. Good luck with that, WWE Films. If you missed this exclusive look, don’t worry. As I mentioned earlier, they’ll show it a few more times. Ross mentions that Austin will be the biggest hell-raiser in Hollywood, and all I see is fucking Pinhead getting the Stunner. Oh, HELL yeah…

They run down the portion of the ‘Mania card that involves Raw guys (BOTB Shill #6) before we cut to Vince & Slave backstage, where we find out that next week, it’ll be Lashley vs. VINCE. Fucking YAY. Coach tells McMahon that’s probably not a good idea (FIRE HIM!!!), but Vince guarantees a win (DAMMIT!!!).

DX music hits again as HBK will be doing commentary for the main event. He’ll be sitting next to Todd Grisham, who should be ready for a superkick at any moment.

We tie up some shit, like showing a bald & crying Eugene and reminding you of a match next week between Lashley and Vince, in case you weren’t watching, say, two minutes ago.

Main event time - 10:55.

JOHN CENA vs. CHRIS BENOIT - WRESTLEMANIA REVERSAL MATCH

Benoit comes to the ring looking the same as ever, followed by John Cena looking the same as ever.

Cena Reaction Report: He’s over tonight - pretty loud pop, but it’s the first time we’ve seen his ass, too.

Bell sounds and Benoit starts in control, while the announcers treat this match like they’ve never faced before. Speaking of announcers, JR refers to Benoit as “a walking weapon”, and all I think of is a missle with little T-rex arms; imagine getting a diving headbutt from that.

Back to reality - Cena is, naturally, getting owned by Benoit. They tease an “I almost hit you” spot with Michaels at ringside, before we head in the ring with Benoit still in control. Like there’s any way he’s winning this one. Cena starts to club his way towards a comeback, but ends up in the Sharpshooter. Rope break by Cena, which leads to him taking the three German Suplexes (which Ross calls the “3 Amigos” - they’re fucking GERMAN suplexes, wank - if they’re three of anything, call them the “3 Freunds”. On second thought, don’t do that. That sounds fucking dumb).

Now, Benoit goes to the top rope and airballs the headbutt (which USED to mean he was winning the match - I called it the “Benoit Factor”; every time he’d hit the headbutt, he’d lose the match, and vice versa. I’ve discovered that this is nearly always true, except when he held a championship, like tonight!). The airball leads to the super-duper Cena 5 Moves of Doom, starting with shoulderblock, spinout powerbomb, dancy-fuck fistdrop, then goes for the F-U. Benoit says fuck all that & counters to the Crippler Crossface. Cena says fuck all THAT this is my show and my unending push as he counters into the Machine Gun Face, which actually causes Benoit to tap. Wow. Benoit tapped?

WINNER: JOHN CENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhh…the totally unexpected finish?

OVERALL: I’m tired of the Cena formula. I’m also tired of the Cena music, the Cena spinner belt, the Cena t-shirts, and pretty much everything else relating to Cena. Also, Benoit looked MEGA SUPER WEAK tapping out to that half-ass submission hold. Course, I guess he made Triple H tap to it also. Maybe in that hold he’s harnessed the power of a THOUSAND killed pushes that made way for the reign of Cena. Or maybe they’re just stupid and fed Benoit to Cena because he can go back to Smackdown and we can all pretend it never happened. Either way, I hated the finish. HATED THE FINISH.

Afterwards, HBK jumps in the ring and teases Sweet Chin Music, but he’s only screwing around with him. They shake hands, Cena lifts HBK up for the F-U, then puts him down, as he was only screwing with him back. Neither have the balls to do it. Fuckin’ t-shirts.

One last thing happens tonight as JBL makes another appearance to announce next week’s 2 main events for THE BIGGEST RAW EVER (this year, in March, until the next biggest one): VINCE vs. LASHLEY and a rematch from No Way Out: CENA/MICHAELS vs. BATISTA/UNDERTAKER. Blah. Vince is going to have an aneurysm figuring out which one of those two matches will be the REAL main event. Tune in next week to see sorta two tag teams sorta kinda get along then feel the TENSION as they sorta kinda act like they hate each other but not too much. Fuckers.

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was only slightly less pointless than the last couple weeks. I don’t give it two thumbs down for one major reason: some things DID happen - we just really don’t care. Eugene is bald! DON’T CARE!! Masterlock is broken??!! DON’T CARE!! Edge got briefly pulled from the Money In The Bank match!! DON’T CARE!! Benoit & JBL were here! DON’T CARE….well, I was GOING to care….then it turned out like butt. Point is they did try. Try and fail, but try they did. Points for trying.

BTW - I hate this time of year, when Wrestlemania is totally locked up and there’s nothing to do on TV except shill Wrestlemania. Next week can only get worse. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!!

Raw = Poo

Outtie.

Cena Reaction Report: Finally an interesting one, as we are very mixed with some very audible boos, even though he comes out first when the crowd is at its hottest. It can only get worse from here. Sorry, John.

Cena also has a new shirt. It’s stupid too. Let’s see how long it takes for this one to start rotting on him. He gets on the mic and begins to wonder out loud if he can really trust HBK. A “Cena Sucks” chant starts to build, but peters out. He tells Shawn that if he plans to backstab him, he’s not down with that and HBK can come to the ring and frontstab him; more specifically kick his teeth down his throat. I wonder how many people Shawn’s really done that to? I’m inclined to guess a big fat NONE.

Cue Michaels (and the two member DX music - Shawn and God) and our tag champs are in the ring. I think I saw a piece of one of the tag belts rot off of one, but I could just be straight trippin, foo. Cena tells HBKhrist that he’s only got his back because of the WWE championship, right? Shawn says yes - he wants the belt and he’s done a good job at the whole back watching thing, but then he throws a little curveball by asking how come no one is wondering when Cena’s going to turn on Shawn? CAUSE THEY’D SELL LESS T-SHIRTS IF HE DID THAT. Props to HBK for trying to make Cena’s character a tiny bit more interesting, but it was only trying. Trying doesn’t mean succeeding.

They lock eyes as Shawn tells him that no matter how bad Cena wants the belt, Shawn wants it more. This tender moment is destroyed when the lamest theme music ever (Coachman Super Tool’s) hits and tells the champs that there are plenty of tag teams that want to take the straps from them. What fucking pocket are you hiding all these tag teams in, silly bitch? Well, there are really only three, apparently, as Coach makes a three-team gauntlet match for Chain Gangeration-X; 3 matches back-to-back-to-back, the last one (if it makes it there) will be in a FIFTEEN FOOT HIGH STEEL CAGE. You know, the one that kills careers and is made of sinful, unforgiving steel? The very same one, wanks. Like there’s not going to be a third match in this whole thing, but wouldn’t it be a hell of a swerve if they never did go to three and the cage just hung there for no reason? Based on as much sense as this whole thing makes, the cage will be around the ring for pretty much no reason either…

Backstage, “The Donald” arrives. That’s it. He arrives. Oh, he walks a little bit.

Up next we have our first match! Yippee!

But not before we ask more fucking random celebrities about who they think is getting their head shaved. I don’t care what you think - you don’t care what I think, do you? I didn’t think so. So shut up.

RIC FLAIR vs. CARLITO vs. RANDY ORTON: MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH

So we’re going to try this one again - hopefully 100% Khali free, but definitely won’t be 100% chinlock free now as Orton has been added to this match; I’m guessing this has something to do with the fact that he’ll probably be winning it.

Ric Flair’s out first w/o chance in hell of winning, followed by Carlito w/o useless tagalong cheerleader, then Randy w/o pyros again. Maybe he’s just practicing for when he finally takes too much HGH and he actually has to cradle his head from the growth. At least everyone in this match has history with each other, so by all rights it shouldn’t be sloppy. This one is elimination, by the way.

Kicks off with both Flair and Carlito, as faces, attacking Orton. This leads to approximately 3,523 chops from Flair and plenty of pointless springboarding from Carlito - now just imagine that switched around; Flair springing off the ropes, but only landing on that one hip. FlairLito finally get to a point where they stop ganging up on Orton, which leads to Flair taking a Backcracker while he tries to put Orton in the Figure-4. For a guy Flair’s age, that shit probably popped some joints back into place. Orton then gets up, tosses Carlito out of the ring, and hits the RKO on Flair for the first elimination. We’re down to two as we go to commercial - when we come back Orton will probably have Carlito in a chinlock….

All be damned. He’s got him in a boston crab instead; for the SECOND week straight! Maybe it’s becoming the new chinlock? Bullshit. Orton’s in control of this match as “no appendage is safe” from his heelish stomping (JR). NONE of your appendages are safe from the Legend Killer - especially not your CHIN, as we finally come to the inevitable chinlock. Y’know, I hope someone accidentally gets their fucking neck broken for real from a chinlock so the “E” bans the move like they did with the piledriver and the shooting star. Orton’s repertoire of moves would be crippled.

Anyway, not much time is wasted in chinlock-land as Carlito counters out of it, and also counters out of an RKO attempt before nailing a headscissors (!). We come to the point where Carlito gets his same old spots in (Cool Spots?). The springboarding was cool the first couple times - now you’re just showing off, dick. There. That’s what you get. Crotched on the top rope and RKO’d. No Money in the Bank for you, pal.

WINNER (AND FINAL MONEY IN THE BANK PARTICIPANT): RANDY ORTON

BEST PART OF MATCH: It was a good length for a TV match with nothing sloppy and the crowd didn’t shit all over it.

OVERALL:

Orton’s celebration goes on for too long as I think up something to put here. Ah, ok - here we go: I don’t think you should be allowed to be in the Money in the Bank match if you’ve ever been a World Champion. Edge, Booker, and now YOU, Randy, don’t belong. Leave that shit to the guys who you think will never get a shot, not book the easy way out. Damn it. Ok he’s gone now.

More footage airs pimping the only match at Wrestlemania that apparently matters. By the way, not even WWE’s video editing awesomeness can make Lashley interesting.

By the way, did you know that there’s a contract signing tonight? I did.

Looks like we get another Masterlock challenge. I wonder if this one can possibly be more pointless than last weeks? Apparently no one cares enough about Masters to take the challenge, so he decides to pick someone. He picks Lillian Garcia, but nothing comes of it because SUPER! CRAZY! makes the save, going super-lucha-crazy on Masters before being super-countered into the super-fucking-duper-Masterlock. It is here that JR says that “not a living human being has broken the Masterlock.” Masters is a human. Masters has broken the Masterlock. Challenge is DONE FOREVER. And it was only slightly less pointless this week.

Another limo? Could it be Vince? Of course it is. “The Donald’s” already here, so now we get “The Vince”. He tells Trump’s driver to mention that “his is bigger than Trump’s”. He means their limos, but he’s implying pecker size. Get it? Ha. Fucking. Ha.

Random thought - why do they show those “Raw Fan Nation” promos during Raw? Ok - so you watch Raw. Guess what, fucker - I do too. How do you think I’m seeing you? Are they trying to tell me it’s okay to watch Raw because people go on TV and say they’re fans, too? That’s the end of the thought, really - I had no point from the start.

Backstage we go to Orton & Edge who have an asshole contest with each other and talk about Money in the Bank.

Lillian Garcia tells us to look up at the ‘tron as someone has a special public service announcement. It’s the fucking ROCK, who says finally, the Rock has come back to Raw (via an obviously pre-taped segment shot on the other fucking side of the US on my off time from making MILLIONS…..and millions of dollars doing something that people outside of the wrestling world actually respect, but nonetheless back to Raw.). He shills the Billionare match, making a joke, in true Rock fashion, about how “Umaga” in Samoan means “shriveled-up monkey penis” and that Vince can’t beat anyone with a shriveled-up monkey penis. The only thing that can beat a shriveled-up monkey penis is a shriveled-up monkey. He didn’t say that part - I threw that shit in because I like to pretend I’m as cool as the Rock (while failing more and more by the minute). He finishes with his whole Smell-la-la-la-ow thing and the crowd goes apeshit. Man, Raw needed that. How sad is it that a taped Rock can draw more crowd reaction than anyone that could possibly walk to the ring on every roster.

We shill the Playboy of Ashley that went on sale today - at the cost of seeing her magic mountains you are forced to deal with her bitch ass being shoved down your throat for the next four weeks, and not in no good way. She looks like every other chick that’s ever posed - plastic & thin; remember, this is the magazine that could make Chyna look hot. The pictorial itself was nothing super special - you’d still bang her, though.

It’s Vince o’clock - and we have a MATCH???!!! First, no post-commercial chinlock, then no Vince at 10 PM??? What sort of bizzaro world have I been transported to? I guess it’s time for the three-team gauntlet match with THREE TIMES the HBK/Cena heel tease. Joy.

GAUNTLET MATCH FOR THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS: JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS vs.

FIRST TEAM: WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

Benjamin/Haas should just give up on the whole “world’s greatest” bit. Unless they live on some fucking alien planet where the only thing there is Shelton, Charlie, and a bunch of purple mushrooms and they are the greatest tag team on THAT world, it’s just a bullshit name anymore, friends. Cena/Shelton start off as the heel team works its heel ways (isolating tag partners, frequent tags - a face team should NEVER win the belts based on the strength of strategy alone) before Cena finally makes the hot tag to HBK (who is probably not used to being the one who is TAGGED for the hot tag, but that’s the way shit is when Cena’s your partner). Shawn hits a great DDT on Haas, but Cena makes the blind tag (tension) and jumps in to make Haas tap WAY too quickly to the Machine Gun Face.

SECOND TEAM: CADE & MURDOCH

Murdoch starts off . These guys are not winning - guess we’ll see that cage after all. He beats on Shawn for awhile before Cade comes in and takes over. This is more like the HBK tag matches I’m used to seeing; Shawn taking the extensive beatdown. More heel domination like before; basically the same match again. Damn, somewhere between here and there, Cade turned into a huge guy. I wonder how? Wellness policy? Both guys make the hot tags, but it’s only a TRUE hot tag when you’re the good guy, so Cena cleans up (which is getting a chorus of boos) and goes for his series leading to the F-U, which HBK decides he wants to be a cock this time and superkicks Murdoch while he’s up in the position for the F-U (tension!). Cena looks pissed as he covers Murdoch for the three count. Wow. That was one match stretched and yanked into two.

The cage begins to lower! Who could it be next??

THIRD TEAM: MNM

Ah, yes - MNN; breaking down the restrictions of the booking brainfart that is the brand extension yet again. Week in and week out. I guess you just have to be a metrosexual to be able to jump shows whenever the fuck you want. Either way, we come back from break with this match already started in the cage. Speaking of the cage, I’m assuming the whole cage thing had a point and wasn’t just a way to attempt and make shit interesting. I really shouldn’t assume. Same old shit with the heels doing their heel thing and beating up HBK. Nitro tries for the corkscrew moonsault, which looks cool but is quickly becoming like Angle’s moonsault was in the fact that he’s never allowed to hit anyone with it, only air-ball it.

Both guys tag out as Cena comes in to destroy Mercury by throwing him into the cage. Shawn comes in and they try to one-up each other by seeing who can bury MNM the quickest. Cena finally goes for the F-U to end this damn thing, but drops Mercury as HBK teased the superkick on Cena (TENSION!!!), but instead they get along like good little boys and hit the Chin Music/F-U combo on Mercury for the win.

WINNER: WHO THE BLEEDING FUCK HELL ELSE?

BEST PART OF MATCH: The spot where HBK superkicked Murdoch while he was up for the F-U was cool (not to be confused with the superkick INTO the F-U spot from later. Not as cool)

OVERALL: 3 of the same damn match crammed into one match, even with the cage. It wasn’t sloppy or anything, but it damn sure wasn’t spectacular. A steel cage does not necessarily a better match make, but they make you at least think things will be more interesting. A lot of things would be more interesting with steel cages; having an argument with a sibling? PUT EM IN A CAGE!!! Disagreement with the boss? PUT EM IN A CAGE!!!

By the way, after the match, all of the teams come back in and get their asses kicked by Cena/Michaels to ensure that it’s not just MNM that are totally buried, but two more of the few tag teams in the WWE. Way to go, fuckos. They do yet another heel tease, this time with Cena teasing the chairshot on Shawn, but hitting Haas instead. Pussies.

By the way, in case you didn’t know about tonight’s big deal, I’ll help you out by making it as obvious at they have. Later, we have a

I just realized something - they just put the Cena/Michaels match on at 10 PM. That means our main event of the night is the

*sigh*

Now we get another match.

JEFF HARDY vs. EDGE

Here comes the Rainbow Express Jeff Hardy drying his hands as he prances to the ring, obviously very excited to become immortal like his brother did after being totally fed to Edge. Remember, he got banished to Smackdown, where he discovered that he will not die. Imagine what Jeff would do to himself if he found out HE couldn’t die..

Anyway, back to the ring where Edge is not dressed to wrestle. It looks as if Edge had some tattoo work done recently, as it seems he’s got the Prince symbol on his forearm. He gets on the mic and explains himself. Apparently he doesn’t want to wrestle in front of more “bigots” like last week who have a football team named the “Redskins”. And, also last week, I ask what the hell? Luckily for us, he’s got an Indian friend to take his place in this match. Tatanka? No wait, they fired his ass…..oh, shit. The other kind of Indian. FUCK! Well, let’s just get this over with before it even starts.

JEFF HARDY vs. EDGE THE GREAT KHALI (UNLESS HE’S GREAT AT BEING SHIT)

WINNER: NOT A LIVING SOUL

BEST PART OF MATCH NO-SELL FEST: Jack fucking shit.

OVERALL:

Khali slams him around. Edge laughs. KANE shows up. With a big-ass hook. If his fishing for Khalis, he’d better bait that hook with all the SUCK he can find. Khali actually runs off as Kane proves that he can’t even look menacing with a murder weapon. These two should have the first-ever REAL death match at 23. Not that they need the boost in buyrates because everyone alive is ordering it for Trump/McMahon.

Hall of Fame inductee this week: Mr. Fuji - master of the salt toss.

Re-Todd Grisham backstage with Foley, who shills his book and gets a cheap pop in the same sentence before commenting on Trump/McMahon.

INTERJECTION: Vince has got celebrities from outside the ring, not to mention Bischoff, Austin, Foley, and even the fucking ROCK to shill this match and I still don’t care anymore than I had planned to care from the get-go. I’m tired of this - your audience is probably already ordering the PPV. Stop with the hard sell. We fucking get it.

Back to Foley, who has been interrupted by the Useless Plastic herself (Ashley). She offers to trade her Playboy for his book (co-shilling), which leads to Ron Simmons and DAMN. Damn….

More video bullshit for Vince/Trump. I GET IT!!!!!

Up next we get Milena vs. Torrie Wilson. Hopefully Milena doesn’t kill Torrie this week…then again…

MILENA vs. TORRIE WILSON (NON-TITLE NON-SKILL MATCH)

Chick-tastic offense. Period. Milena is in control for most of it; JR comments that when the girls toss each other by the hair it’s “like a Frisbee”. Yeah - like a 100 pound Frisbee with implants. Just like every fucking Frisbee I’ve ever owned. Jackass. I’d have owned many more Frisbees in my youth if these chick were “like a Frisbee”. Sometimes I want to take a circular saw blade and throw it at Ross’s face “like a Frisbee”. Sorry - small distraction here. Melina wins with a rollup and tights. Shocker.

WINNER: MILENA

BEST PART: I know what Torrie’s nipples look like.

OVERALL:

Afterwards, Mickie James and Victoria run out, then Ashley runs out. You don’t really care what they do, do you? I didn’t.

Another backstage segment with Vince, who’s with Edge this time. Edge tells McMahon that Rated RKO’s got his back and that they’re going to ECW to put Lashley in his place. He asks Vince to make a match for Orton vs. Lashley, totally tossing Randy under the bus. The icing on the cake is when he has Vince apply a stipulation that if Orton doesn’t show up, he forfeits his spot in the Money in the Bank match. What a son of a stinky bitch that Edge is! First home wrecking, then push killing, now former partner backstabbing! Edge - do your heelish ways know no bounds?

Next week it’s “Wrestlemania Reversal” week on Raw, where HBK is going to take on JBL (?) and Cena will face Chris Benoit. Weird - I find myself caring more about those matches than most of the ‘Mania card up to this point.

Main….uhhh….event time?

Vince heads to the ring and nearly eats shit tripping on the ring apron. He starts slamming on Trump as he has for a god damn month straight, playing to the crowd’s “What’s” (which of course are back in full effect). Blah, blah - he won’t have his head shaved because he has UUUUUUUMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAGGGGGAAAAAAAAAA. There’s his cue. Can this savage even write his name on a contract? Or does he not have to sign because it’s not a match with Umaga vs. Lashley at ‘Mania, but rather Trump vs. McMahon overshadowing what will be a sub-par match? The latter. Just a thought - WM 3 had “The Irresistible Force vs. The Immovable Object”. WM 23 pimps itself to be the later successor of no. 3, so at that show we’ll get “The Unstoppable Push” vs. “The Unmarketable Lug”. Works for me.

Vince then teases that Trump has left because he’s scared of getting a “billionaire bitch slap”. If they put that shit on a shirt I’m finding a way to buy them all so I can burn each one into nonexistence. Trump, of course, is not scared as he heads to the ring. And to think this shit all came about from that stupid fucking Trump/Rosie match (the one the crowd loved so much they chanted “TNA! TNA!”). He he - someone is laser pointing Trumps face as he tells Umaga that he’ll have the hardest time in the ring he’s ever had when he faces his guy. I didn’t know Trump changed his pick to Scott Steiner. Oh, he means hardest time BEATING the guy. And it is still Lashley as he comes out to the pyro pop.

Now everyone except for Austin is in the ring - if he were there automatically no one would be listening to either of these guys. You can so not feel the tension in this ring. Trump is trying really hard to put over Lashley here; trust me, Donald - you can’t do anything that hasn’t been tried with this guy. I’ll tell you what would work: in all of his promos, make him talk totally ghetto slang. Like when Vince asked him to apologize, he would have said “sheeit, bitch - I ain’ gon’ apologize - I’m ‘unna bus’ yo’ ass, cracka-man if ya git in my bid-ness, fo shizzle, nizzle.” I promise that would work. I also lie sometimes.

Lot’s of blah blah blah here with them trying to one-up each other before the glass FINALLY breaks and we get Stone Cold, who is looking rather silly wearing white tennis shoes. Kinda like the time Warrior showed up with the hat on. Either way, we get standard fare from Austin as he polls the crowd for who is going to win the match (gimmie a hell yeah!) before thoroughly fucking with McMahon and asking him if he has a problem with bald people. He bottom lines it by saying someone’s getting their head shaved (in case you were still unsure at this point what this was all about), but we’re STILL GOING at 11:11 PM cause Vince has to get one more word in before he leaves the ring. The contract signing table is still intact as we’re about to end the show, but WAIT - THERE’S MORE as Trump shows a bald Vince on the ‘tron and calls him back to the ring - it’s now 14 after - but Vince is a chickenshit about it (even though he’s wrestled fucking Hogan - go fig). Trump sends Lashley away and calls him to the ring one more time, but this time Vince remembers the whole grapefruit thing….jumps in the ring….takes off the jacket…..and then gets the shit shoved out of him by Trump over the table in a spot that we’ll see about 6,000 replays of between now and April 1st. Ross is marking out like Hogan just bodyslammed Andre and ends the show on the line “The Battle of the Billionaires just got richer!!”, to which I literally gave my TV the finger.

Fucking 17 minute overrun - OK for bullshit, not OK for WRESTLING main events.

OVERALL SHOW: TWO actual matches on the show. I’m not counting the chick match or the Khali “match”. TWO. In TWO hours. Sorry - TWO hours SEVENTEEN minutes. WAY too much focus on this Trump/McMahon angle. This shit had better be pulling in a ratings boost or it’s all a supercalafradgilisticexpealiWASTE OF TIME. Two reasons this show didn’t get two thumbs down: First - it had more of a point than last weeks, but not much more. Second - the fucking ROCK. I say no more.

But at least we won’t have to hear any more about the fucking

Sho’nuff.