May 7, 2007

Reviewage of Raw commencing; fresh off the news that Edge is the Savior of Smackdown, leaving me with the Great (at Sucking) Khali as our number one heel. Fuck yes, I say, fuck yes *stabs self with spork*

Speaking of fuck yes, the show opens with no pyro or music, but simply one John Cena - but WITHOUT the Abomination, as it was stolen by Khali last week. Don’t get too used to this sight, kids, as it’s merely an illusion to make you THINK he lost the belt. He didn’t. And he won’t. Ever.

Anyway, he comes out and tells us what I just told you, mentions something about a pool of blood that he was laying in last week (I don’t recall that at all), actually acknowledges that he’s been humiliated before by a section of people who boo him each week, and more or less, he wants the belt back. Who wouldn’t? It’s just so damn blinging. And shit.

Continuing the not-so-robo promo (this week anyway), Cena tells us that Khali is not like a man, he’s more like a chin that someone mutated by injecting it with a mixture of suck and blow. He didn’t say that. He DID say that he can hit him with his best shot and it won’t even phase him (who knew the key to beating the unbeatable was to simply choose to NOT be affected by the mightiest of blows?), and all those who oppose him are erased (I know of only ONE for sure…).

He then slightly boosts those Judgement Day buyrates by mentioning that it may be his execution, and is finally interrupted on the Tron by Khali with a translator, who screams something that could have been anything at all, but we’re told basically “Look what I can do! Here’s some video!”

Cue video.

More Khali shouting: apparently he WILL be the next WWE champ, and - he he he - If Cena wants some, come get some. Then, the whole “never back down never quit” thing takes over, and Cena heads backstage, only to get a garbage can to the face, chokebombed on a zamboni, and his neck squeezed until he turns red. AND Khali keeps ahold of the belt. That worked out well, jackass. He doesn’t care - he KNOWS he’s winning at the PPV now. Your time is up, my time is FOREVER. Word life.

It was at this point that I said I’d eat lint from my own ass if they didn’t show Khali beating down Cena after we got back from the first break, and I’ll be damned if my stomach is ASS LINT FREE, bitch.

JEFF HARDY vs. TREVOR MURDOCH

I actually tried to call this match and was finally wrong - I picked Charlie Haas. Either way, I get Attempted Redneck Destroyer vs. Attempted Self Destroyer. Jeff opens in control, but we get back and forth offense and a good opening exchange. Murdoch does a good job keeping the stereotype alive with the Taz tattoo, but not a good job avoiding a Jeff Hardy suicide dive to the outside.

This leads us to a turnbuckle spot, where Jeff actually misses his hold-the-ropes-and-kick-you-with-much-force-in-the-face kick. Murdoch goes RIGHT to the chinlock (despite their actions as of late, they’re still heels - PROOF), until the counter and the MISSper in the Wind (he totally fucking airballed this one). Jeff goes back up to what JR calls “No Man’s Land”. Yeah - no man’s land; well no man except for Rob Van Dam, Jimmy Snuka, Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, etc. Other than them, no fucking man goes there. From this land of no man, Jeff attempts the Swanton, but it is countered with the ever-painful knee pull-up. Murdoch, however, enforcing another stereotype of the dumb redneck fuck, argues with the referee instead of following up, allowing Jeff to get the rollup win.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Neither of them blew any big spots, so we were able to see a clean one.

OVERALL: Decent TV match, but nothing I haven’t seen from these two about 10 times already. I’ve said it before - this whole Hardys reunion thing just doesn’t feel like it matters at all. I’m really trying to care, but maybe I just never will.

After the match, Cade & Murdoch shake hands with Matt & Jeff again. WHERE COULD THIS BE GOING???

Recap of the “Rated R Shocker”…..*JUVENILE JOKE ALERT*….he he, I think the Shocker would probably be a bit past an “R” rating - I guess we could ask Matt Hardy….

Then they announce Lashley vs. COACH. This angle needs to be murdered. I’m tired of ECW just being the third hour of Raw - and it’s been nothing but SINCE McMahon got involved. I hope Lashley breaks a kneecap on an UNTRAINED Coachman and he’s gone for like 23 months.

Hey! A Snitsky promo! I suddenly care JUST the same as I did before, which was not at fucking all. This guy needs to treat himself like the big shaved baby he looks like and commit a self abortion. It’s not like it would be his fault or anything.

Coach is backstage with Umaga, Vince, and Shane. Much blowing of selves, very little point.

SANTINO MARELLA vs. CHRIS MASTERS

Can’t we get one god damn Raw that doesn’t have a match on in from the previous week? No? Well fuck you too, then. By the way, I’m unsure if this is a title match, because it wasn’t announced as one, but JR seems to think that Masters could win the title tonight. Crazy ass.

Marella was billed from “New Jersey” now. What the fuck was wrong with Italy? I could be “Now Residing” in the fucking Philippines, but it doesn’t make me any less a cracker, does it?

I can’t wait for this rematch to start, which is good, because they sure as hell did not wait. Masters opens strong with pushing, backbreakers, and much clotheslinery. He then goes for the Masterlock, which ain’t shit anymore, but gets turned around by Santino, who then gets spinebustered for his efforts. 2 count.

He goes for the Ain’tShitLock again, but this one is “brilliantly” countered into the feared finisher of Santino Marella: the rollup. Game over.

WINNER: SANTINO MARELLA

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Masters losing. Fuck him. He only exists because McMahon still gets a stiffy from the bodybuilders.

OVERALL: The same match, only again and a week later. Santino looked a bit stronger in the ring, but I’m still not convinced. Why is this rematch style of booking such a common practice? I don’t know either….

Afterwards, Masters plays dickhead and beats up on Santino, obviously jealous of the push he got passed over for again. Or maybe he just took it upon himself to do a third rematch next week and have it justified. Maybe they should figure out that MASTERS isn’t exactly a guy to put your new guys against to make them look good. In fact, they may look like shit.

Still more pimping of the Condemned - this time with the other wrestlers. Still not caring.

Here comes Milena - apparently to do commentary for…

CANDICE MICHELLE vs. VICTORIA

Ah, WWE booking. The half of tag team in singles match follow up, page 12. Next week, look forward to Milena vs. Torrie. Oh, the match. Candace opens with the Mr. Perfect flipping seated neckbreaker thing (!!!), but then we go right to hairpully chicky offense, and the near-death of Candice following a headscissors. These chicks REALLY need to stop trying that shit. Candace wins off a wheel kick.

WINNER: CANDICE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Candice running to the ring. I may be hypnotized. For fakes, they still boing good.

OVERALL: The spank hand returns, due to the fact that it was NOT the tag match again, and the aforementioned running bounciness. The fact that it wasn’t the same exact match also helped it avoid the down thumb. But it was still the same ol titty shitty.

Candace taunts Milena afterwards, who calls Candice fat. Now if THAT wasn’t basis for a chick wrestling feud, then what the fuck else could be?

Now we get Edge, one last time (yeah fucking right), with much pyro (like we’re talking opening of Raw pyros). The belt looks much better with him that it would with about 90 percent of Smackdown, so I’m okay with this. He’s headed to the ring and walks around until his music LOOPS before grabbing a mic.

We get the verbal recap of how we got here, and it’s here that I laugh about the angle that would ensue if he cashed it in on Vince’s ass. Not that the ECW title has any meaning of any kind.

He WAS going to leave us with one last Edge match, but nope. He is, however, defending against Batista at Judgment Day, but he’s not worried. But JUST as he’s going to leave - cue HBK.

HBK says why don’t you just leave if you’re going to leave, Edge (suddenly three years old) tells him to shut up, then challenges him to a match tonight. Thank you Edge - that means that fucking Coach vs. fucking Lashley will NOT be the main event.

Speaking of fucking Lashley, here’s Todd with fucking Lashley now. He asks him his thoughts. We don’t get them, as Shane shows up just to fuck with him and to remind him that the Masters of Ego ( TM 23Log) will be at ringside - obviously to NOT run in, of course.

And here they come - I fucking hate Vince, but no where near as much as I hate

COACH vs. LASHLEY

The battle of who is the whiter black dude. This will suck. Opens with a trade of bitch slaps, but only Lashley slapped an actual bitch. Then we go right in to the owning from Lashley, including him hitting Coach with Abyss’s Shock Treatment backbreaker (!), then a big spear. End.

WINNER: LASHLEY

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Coach getting moves done to him. All of them.

OVERALL: This is now the Khali/COACH default score. Is the roster really so depleted that we EVER have to have this penis in the ring? I don’t care if it IS to further a storyline that no one not named “McMahon” gives a shit about. Fuck the Coach. I really hope he hits the needle and they fire him to make an example.

But of course, it’s NOT the end, as Shane and Umaga finally run in and start beating down Lashley, rendering the whole “unless provoked” thing dead. Lashley finally gets out of the way of the running ass-doom, spears Umaga, and tears after Vince, but is body-blocked by Shane.

Now Lashley chases Shane, who jumps in a waiting limo Looney Tunes style as Vince shows back up to lambaste (lambaste?) Lashley with the ECW title. You sly dog.

It’s at this point that JR calls Vince the “Doctor of Hardcore”. So he gets an honorary doctorate in hardcore? Of all the guys they could have given it to, they chose Vince? Fuck off with you. Vince is MAYBE the doctor of Egonomics, but nothing else. Bad joke. Sorry.

Now, Judgment Day pimpage, where it’s announced that Khali’s presence is “awe-inspiring”. His presence is definitely inspiring, but awe is not what I was thinking. Suck, maybe. “suck-inspiring”.

AND, is it just me, or did everyone forget that Cena FU’d Viscera AND Big Show, both of whom were heavier that Khali. Oh, I guess they weren’t factoring in that if they didn’t WANT to be FUed, they wouldn’t have been FUed (file under Selling, NO).

It is now 10:25, which is usually about the time that inconsequential shit happens here in Raw land. Cue Carlito.

CARLITO vs. VAL VENIS (!?)

Val on Raw, eh? I wonder who’s taking this match. But he IS a former IC champion. Like that means anything. Anyway, Val does start in control, hitting his Val knees and legsweep thing. Then it’s mostly Carlito from there, including hitting a top-rope missile dropkick. Venis gets one last burst of offense in, going for a quick rollup and eventually getting a chance to go for the Money Shot (still cracks me up they named a move after a sperm spurt - well, I guess it’s a finisher named after a finishing). He gets the blue balls i.e. Carlito rolls away and Val does not get the Money Shot, which leads to the BackCracker for the win (which is not to be confused for Coachman - the BLACKcracker. Snap.).

WINNER: CARLITO

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Venis didn’t get badly beaten. It’s a good thing Val’s not on Raw that often, because if people beat the Venis too often, they could go blind. Terrible joke. Sorry again.

OVERALL: Not-sloppy Carlito match for once. He stopped trying to get pointless cheers with pointless springboarding. I think he just might be happy he’s heel again. See how fucking easy that was?

Oh, and Flair runs out - Carlito bolts. They’re wrestling at Judgment Day. I figured they’d get this shit over with quick, since there can’t be any meaningful feuds with a PPV every three god damn weeks.

SPEAKING of that, we see HBK backstage with Orton. Orton tells HBK he can beat him. HBK says he’s not doing anything Sunday. They book the match for Judgment Day - Orton vs. HBK. Wow. A 90 second build - perhaps a new record? Meaningful feuds be damned.

Then we get a “taste” of Timbaland’s upcoming video featuring the Diva. I thought he was kidding about that when he mentioned it a month back, like he was put on the spot about it and was just playing it off to get publicity. Nope. And it tastes like silicone, by the way.

Oh goody - an update on Cena’s condition: nothing to worry about, he’s still champ. We even double checked.

ORDER JUDGMENT DAY!!!!!!

EDGE vs. SHAWN MICHAELS

They’re giving this match about 15 minutes - let’s see what they do with it. I just had a thought - Edge came to the ring wearing the Precious - the title that rotted on HHH here for like two years. I wonder if he smells it….Edge had better hope not. Return of the King of Kings, if you will. Sorry, I’m a fucking nerd with no life AND I RUN A WRESTLING WEBSITE THAT VERY FEW PEOPLE READ. But I still rule, so fuck off.

And I hate it when HBK wears that fucking hat.

But there IS a match to be wrestled, so let’s begin. HBK starts out with the fearsome side headlock. Edge begins to punch him. HBK hits a neckbreaker, but the heelage comes back strong until HBK dumps Edge’s ass over to the floor, then the ever-present commercial spot where HBK jumps off the apron onto him.

COMMERCIAL!!!!!

We’re back….and HBK is laid out. They keep mentioning the concussion from last week - it’s more of a hangover after inhaling too much suck. Edge must have heard the announcers, as he begins much punching and kicking - MUCH punching and kicking - about 5 minutes of it. JR mentions he keeps hitting him in the “concust area”. The fucking HEAD, perhaps???

JR = losing it.

Edge hits a neckbreaker, but only gets a two count, so we go to chinlock land. That will take care of it, I’m sure. HBK fights out of it, for he has been to chinlock land many times and hates it there. Shawn begins a comeback, and in doing so, he shows the world Edge’s man-thong. A small exchange on the top rope leads to Edge airballing a top-rope cross bodyblock. Both down. Both up. We get the back & forth thing until the Shawn Series begins, starting with forearm and ending with Sweet Chin Music NOT countered. HBK gets the three count. Wow. He pins the champ.

WINNER: HBK

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The finish was more unpredictable that I made it sound - Edge was totally owning the majority of the match.

OVERALL: Better than average TV match - I wouldn’t expect anything else from these two. I’ll miss Edge, that’s for sure. Also, an interesting note - HBK has now pinned BOTH shows champions CLEANLY within a month, yet Vince McMahon has a belt. Damn it all.

Show ends with Orton running in and treating Shawn like he were a hotel lamp, then standing over him looking all bad ass and shit.

OVERALL SHOW: (1 side, 1 down) - Definitely better than last week, as it were a bit less of the same, but still pretty inconsequential all around. Khali still has Cena’s belt, but Cena’s still champ. Carlito still hates Flair. Hardys still always win. Chicks are still busty and blow in the ring. HBK’s still making bitches look better than they are. ECW’s bullshit is still wasting too much show time. Lashley still doesn’t spend enough time on his own show. Skittles are still fruity and delicious. The only thing different is that Edge is gone, which is great for Smackdown, shit for me. I guess that’s what happens when you’re perpetually building towards a $40 pay-per-view. Something somewhere’s gotta give, including me giving fucks, which currently I do not. The reviews are getting shorter, friends…

May 7, 2007

Another week, another Raw - and if this week starts how last week ended (with the Punjabi Pile), I’m warning you now that I’ll be on early checkout and the review will suck balls (much the way that one Great Khali does - Great (at Sucking) Khali. He he ha ha.)

Good news - doesn’t start with Khali.

Bad news - it DOES start with the Coach. Announcing the entrance of Vince. The ECW Champion. There HAS to be better things on TV….

“No chance, no chance in Hell” of the ECW title ever meaning anything. He should just re-name the fucking brand “VCW” and make the belt out of his fucking face. Dammit anyway….

He’s still wearing the skullie looking thing and says “What up, G” when he gets the mic. Dear. Fucking. Lord. Good ol’ Vinnie Mac gives everyone in the arena a reminder that he’s not only the ECW champion, but he’s also the Chairman (something tells me those two titles are directly related). He then reminds us of the CHAOS that we saw last week with the Punjabi Pile laying waste to four main eventers LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER DONE BEFORE. NO MAN. EVER. BEFORE. Guess that’s why he’s Great, eh? And in case a verbal reminder wasn’t good enough, you get a visual one as well.

Not even MAD video editing skills can make me care about you. You’re big. Good for fucking you. I don’t see you playing basketball - but since you’re so big, why aren’t you? Oh, maybe because you’d suck at that too. So maybe being big doesn’t necessarily make you GOOD at something - being big merely ASSISTS you with being good at it. Kind of like wrestling. I rest my case. Asshole.

Recapping a replay is a bit like watching a sports game after it airs - what the fuck is the point? Back to “reality”, Vince is still talking about Khali and attempts to announce the worst Judgement Day main event he could possibly create - Cena vs. Great Kh-

INTERRUPTED by HBK. Thanks, Shawn - delay the inevitable. HBK tells everyone that had he not been laid out last week, he’d have beaten John Cena and become the top contender (does that seem stupid to anyone else - he has to BEAT Cena TWICE to earn another shot at the title? I repeat - he has to BEAT the champion MORE THAN ONCE to prove that he can fight him for the belt. Fuck off with you). Shawn mentions that instead of being given a chance, he’ll earn it and challenges Khali to a top-contenders match. Vince agrees and makes it no DQ, ensuring that there will be no clean finish to this match. Not that there will be much of a match, as it features one Punjabi Pile, but HBK is in there, so this will actually be a measure of Khali’s true sucktitude. I’m guessing it’ll still be off the charts.

HOWEVER, Vince is FAR from done, as he suddenly remembers he’s the ECW champion and begins the one-man cocksucking show. This is cut off by Lashley, who I’m not unhappy to see right now because that’s how the “E” rolls - “You hate this guy? Here’s someone that sucks harder. Now you don’t hate him so much, do you? Tool.”. Anyway, no bonus achievement points for guessing why Lashley’s out here. He wants his rematch - “you gave HBK what he wants, why don’t you give me what I want? You like him more, don’t you? He was ALWAYS your favorite. I’m going to go steal a car and develop a meth addiction for attention, and it will be all your fault for not loving me enough!” Got carried away…my bad.

Vince reminds Lashley that he can’t touch him, Shane, or Umaga, or he NEVER gets a rematch, then plays the “you want to hit me? well HIT ME” game. Then, for the benefit of only himself, replays the smashing of Lashley from Backlash. Thanks for that. My apologies go out to those who ordered Backlash and have to watch them give chunks away on TV for free for the next two weeks after. Maybe next time you can fold your money into paper airplanes and have a fucking tiny air show - it might be more fun.

Vince is still fucking with Lashley (for WAY too damn long now - don’t BOTH of you have a show of your own to do this shit on?) and shows an old WWE magazine cover with Vince’s head photoshopped onto Lashley’s body holding the ECW title. We’ve officially spent more time on Raw with ECW’s title than ECW does, and about as much time as Raw spends on its OWN title.

Somebody please explain.

McMahon finally gets to the god damn point by giving Lashley the title shot at Judgement Day, but in a REMATCH from Backlash - Lashley vs. Umaga, Vince, & Shane (for the five of you that AREN’T named McMahon that enjoyed their previously epic encounter). Oh, blissful day.

Lashley likes the idea (I’m not sure why - he LOST the first one to VINCE MCMAHON = BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!), but he’d like to show Vince how he really feels but can’t touch him. Vince calls him out, Bobby does nothing, and Vince goes to leave. But we NEARLY forgot about the Coach. Lashley becomes my favorite wrestler on Raw for about two minutes (a la Cena last week) when he beats the poo out of Coach and chokes him with a cord before spearing his ass on the outside.

SuperTool = Owned. El Gringo = Happy.

Guess Vince will be retaining against RVD this week on ECW…in case I needed LESS reason to care about that match. FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH vs. FIVE PEOPLE IN MY FUCKING KISS MY EGOTRIP CLUB. Epic, I say.

Orton vs. Cena will be our main event. Glee.

But FIRST, we see Mickie James walking into Candace’s dressing room, where she assists her in fastening her top. Something tells me she could have done it on her own (hint - they UNFASTEN backwards from how they FASTEN - I know you know how to UNFASTEN). But, if she did it on her own, it wouldn’t have been nearly as, uhhh, hot?

MICKIE JAMES/CANDACE MICHELLE (w/ quasi-lesbianism) vs. MILENA/VICTORIA (w/ quasi-hotness) - DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT WE ARE CUBING THE POINTLESSNESS - NOW EIGHT TIMES MORE POINTLESS - THE RUBBER MATCH, NOT THE RUB-HER MATCH THAT YOU WERE HOPING FOR)

The THIRD fucking time I’ve had to sit through this one. It’s one thing to deal with shitty diva wrestling every week, but the SAME fucking chicks on the SAME fucking teams in the SAME fucking match as we’ve seen all too recently?

I don’t care.

There not even in different outfits, for Christ’s sake….I’m going to flip back & forth to the Warriors/Jazz game and merely inform you of anything exciting - like an implant bursting or some accidental nudity.

Candace wins it by pinning the champ Milena clean after a wheel kick. Maybe I’ll call that one the Tit-Popper, as that’s about as high up as she can get it. That must be the cool thing to do these days; pin your champions cleanly in matches they aren’t defending their belts in, but then have them nonsensically retain each time they are.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDACE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The Warriors were winning when I finished flipping back and forth.

OVERALL: See that? No more stroke points for you. Just two thumbs down - no longer will you get by on the fact that you don’t have wieners. If there was a point for this match other than miscellaneous boobage, I’m listening. Booking? What the fuck is booking?

Next up - Santino Marella, the “fan” who was so obviously NOT a plant - he just HAPPENED to be a part of the OVW roster for the last year or so, which just HAPPENS to be the training ground for the WWE, then just HAPPENED to be at ringside when Vince was hunting for a challenger for Umaga. Just HAPPENED that way. I won’t be too hard on it; definitely a unique debut.

CHRIS MASTERS vs. SANTINO MARELLA - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Here’s your test, dude. Masters starts out bullying him around with his purely natural and hard-earned physique, but Santino comes back with a striking FLURRY - brought to an end by a clothesline. Masters then pulls down the kneepad to go for a kneedrop WITH THE WRONG DAMN KNEE (the way he was going for it would have resulted in one knee to the face, one knee to the chest cavity), which Santino smartly avoids and then begins to literally kick the hell out of him.

Santino goes for the 10 punches in the corner, but gets shoved off by Masters, but upon Masters attempting to make something of it, he gets rolled up. Ah, the rollup - tool of the underdog.

WINNER (AND STILL IC CHAMPION): SANTINO MARELLA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The newbie didn’t look like shit in his TV debut, and he really doesn’t look or wrestle like a WWE standard guy.

OVERALL: Masters continues his downward skid after having his Masterlock broken once and for all by jobbing to the noob. Whereas the announcers are talking about Santino’s slim chances, I’m thinking of Masters’ slim chances. The match was a bit quick for a believable title defense, even against a Heat-jobber-in-the-making like The Masterpiece, but I’m always OK with new talent coming in and not sucking, so I’ll take what I was given. Beats the bloody fuck out of watching the title rot and waste away on Umaga.

After the break, I hear “KENNEDY!!!”, and I say “yay”. He cuts a brief promo reminding us (god DAMN WWE likes to have people remind us of shit all the time - must be all that drinking and cousin-fucking us redneck rasslin’ fans do that goofs up our memory) of his proclamation of becoming champ at Wrestlemania 24, which at the rate we’re going will be against McMahon. Mr. Kennedy…….wait for it…….Kennedy. I ask - brand extension?…………extension?

Maria is backstage with Randy Orton. He tells us that tonight, he’s going to prove that he’s Randy Orton. More or less, anyway. Alert all diva gym bags, legends, hotel rooms, Rey Mysterios, and steroid needles - Randy Orton is going to prove that he’s Randy Orton. It was kind of a face-type promo, though…nothing like John Cena to make the crowd react positively to Randy Orton.

HIGHLANDERS vs. UMAGA - HANDICAP MATCH

Do we still need to keep proving that Umaga is a badass by feeding him a whole tag team? This really doesn’t make Umaga look unstoppable as much as it makes the Highlanders look like butt because BOTH of them get owned and can’t figure out ANY strategy to make it go otherwise.

Umaga starts crushing them both early. Robbie takes the ass bomb, Rory takes the thumb, then Robbie takes a thumb of his own. Umaga stacks them in a 69 and splashes on top of them to crush them both. Game over.

WINNER: UMAGA (LOSER - ROBBIE, FOR BEING FORCE-FED HIS COUSIN’S MEATBAG)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The WWE’s removed any reason to give any shits about the Highlanders, so them being squashed really hurt no one.

OVERALL: Same ol’ Umaga bullshit. And JUST when I was going to get off this guy’s back, they trade him out for Khali and reduce him to doing the McMahon’s dirty work. Uck. He he - two thumbs down - just like the two thumbs DOWN into the necks of the Highlanders. Sweet irony, bitch.

Speaking of same old bullshit, we get more pimping for The Condemned. I guess it needs it, since it bombed HARD. Like Nash dropping the Giant on his head hard. At my local theater, it was playing on ONE screen at ONE showing: 1:10 P.M.
It’s an EPIC BLOCKBUSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brief backstage segment with Edge and Mr. Kennedy - Edge basically asks for a shot at the briefcase, and calls Kennedy out when he says no. Finally, he gets him to agree to a match tonight for the contract, and Kennedy screams in his face……….FACE.

We go from this to the power-suck.

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. THE GREAT KHALI - NO DQ #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

I’m going to attempt to look at this one differently, rather than cut to the double fuck you - if anyone can make Khali look functional, it’ll be HBK. I do not expect much.

We’re informed that HBK’s never faced anyone like the Pile - that’s because all of the 7ft + guys he’s faced could actually sell moves - yes, even Nash.

Shawn jumps on him early and ties him up in the ropes, but gets booted in the face. Khali then hits a scoop slam (which is like every other scoop slam, but from farther up so it hurts like fifty times more), but misses the worlds second slowest legdrop (you can guess who the first belongs to, brother). HBK then remembers the whole no DQ thing and smashes Khali with a chair in the face, leading to his forearm-nip up spot (on a SEATED Khali - funny stuff), then the elbowdrop, followed by the tune up. The announcers wonder if he can even kick Khali, but with a chin like his, it’d be a wonder if he COULDN’T. It sticks out a foot from his face.

The superkick is thwarted, however, as Khali counters and head chops him, then begins to work on him in the corners ever so slowly. He hits a clothsline, then tries the chokebomb, but HBK goes all heel on him and gouges his eyes, then pulls him to the outside. He hits a baseball slide to the outside, then goes to take apart the announce table….a sign of things to come, perhaps?

HBK stands on a chair and tries some sort of DDT thing on Khali through the table, but the Pile tosses him away, then chokebombs him through the announce table (Abyss rule - never set up anything you don’t intend to sell yourself). The referee calls for the bell, because HBK has had enough of the suck and the match must be stopped.

And the horrible words are spoken: “Your winner, and number one contender for the WWE championship, the Great Khali.” And a few of you died inside.

WINNER: PUNJABI PILE (AND ZERO OTHERS)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The chairshot to Khali was my favorite part.

OVERALL: HBK did everything he could based on what he had to work with (side), but Ultimate Suck prevailed in the end as Khali still no-sold his way to next in line for John Cena (middle). Fuck this guy for actually making me CHEER for the FU. Cena vs. Khali will set a new low for suck.

We get a replay of practially everything that just happened in case, y’know, you flipped channels to the NBA game or something.

And, after commercial, they replay it all again in case, y’know, you are cursed with short term memory loss.

Then we get Re-Todd backstage with John Cena, and I have to be honest - I changed channels to see the end of the hoops game. All he cuts are robo-promos anymore anyway; I’m sure he said something about never backing down, never quitting and that the champ is here so if you want some come get some. Sounds about right.

Then we get Cryme Tyme backstage (?!), where they re-introduce themselves to us (since it’s been so long) and offer us a Mother’s Day sale of shit they stole from other people, including Faarooq’s H2 (Damn, I say). The whole thing is interrupted by a fat white dude in a Spiderman costume, who is promptly beat up and robbed. Ha ha. Stereotypes rule.

So far the best part of Raw has been a part of Smackdown = fucking sad.

HARDYS vs. WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

Raw is Rematch again (this one happened a few weeks ago), and Cade & Murdoch are at ringside for it as we begin with Shelton & Matt (A Matt who is fresh off beating Mr. Kennedy CLEAN on Smackdown, who is considered the next guy in line for the belt - all while being half of the tag champs on ANOTHER SHOW. Is there no end to your ruling?). Heels start in control (as usual), isolate Matt (as usual), and make frequent tags (as usual).

Cade & Murdoch are actually pretty entertaining as announcers; meanwhile, Jeff gets the HOT TAG and cleans up the ring with his Jeff spots. A pinfall attempt after the Whisper in the Wind is broken up by Benjamin. Jeff then goes back up to the top, Haas attempts to counter his flippy jumpy offense, but just gets suplexed by Matt instead, leading to the Swanton Bomb as Haas again takes the fall for the WGTT. Maybe it’s all HIS fault they never win….

WINNERS: HARDYS

BEST PART: I *HEART* SWANTONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVERALL: More of the same shit week in and week out from the Hardys. I thought this reunion thing would be really cool, but now it seems kind of phoned in to me. Not that the same old Hardy shit sucks in any way; it’s still more entertaining than 75 percent of both rosters, but just because Men In Black is a good movie doesn’t mean it gets BETTER if I watch it 7 times, y’know? The whole thing just feels like they’ll never actually lose the tag belts until it’s time to push a different team over all others. I’m ready to be done already.

After the match, Cade & Murdoch go for handshakes again, which the Hardys accept. I don’t know where this is going, and that’s a very good thing.

Clips now of the FUCKING FINALLY heel turn of Carlito on Flair, which leads to shots of him heading to the ring w/ apple and Torrie. Hopefully he introduces the two….

But before that, we get a package pimping Snitsky. They don’t even tell us what show he’s on. What the fuck was the point of that?

Now we’re back and Carlito’s in the ring. He goes off on the fact that Flair embarrassed him and he doesn’t need to grow or learn anymore from him. He then calls him out (despite apparently knowing that he’s not in the building - pussy), and after he doesn’t show, he tells us that he’s planning to get rid of ALL the garbage in his life (here it comes….), including TORRIE. Hell yes. He rips her a new one in Spanish, then throws the mic down. Heel Carlito rules. Someone better alert the entire locker room that Torrie is free and she’s taking numbers.

More pimping for the Condemned, which is funny because there are probably more people watching said pimpage than actually have seen the film. Joke’s on you, bitches.

They announce the main event for tomorrow’s ECW as RVD vs. Vince, Shane, and Umaga. Apparently he didn’t earn a shot at anything; just the right to have his ass kicked by three guys - one of whom already beat him once alone. Fuck off with this Vince thing. Here’s where I’d make a comment about RVD going to TNA, but shit isn’t too much better down there right now either…

EDGE vs. MR. KENNEDY - FOR THE MONEY IN THE BANK CONTRACT

Edge jumps Kennedy during his entrance and smashes him with a monitor before the bell rings, so there’s “nothing anyone can do about it”. I always fucking hated that. You can always do SOMETHING. Just DQ the motherfucker the second he gets in the ring. You just don’t WANT to do anything, you pussy ass.

Anyway, since there was nothing anyone could do, Edge rolls Kennedy in the ring, the referee asks Kennedy if he wants to go on, to which he replies “ring the damn bell”, charges at Edge, and gets Speared. End (!).

WINNER (AND NEW HOLDER OF THE CONTRACT): EDGE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Too quick to have one.

OVERALL: It lasted about 10 seconds and obviously only happened to pull the case off Kennedy, which licks major, MAJOR nutsack, but fucking torn muscles abounds (for Ken it was a triceps muscle) caused the audible to be called. I think fucking Batista learned some voodoo shit after his torn triceps - he can cause the muscles of all that oppose him to be ripped from their bones in order to remain the fake-ass top draw of Smackdown; first Taker, then Kennedy (the obvious second choice). Fear the Animal, motherfucker - he will tear flesh from ivory.

I gave it a middle thumb just due to the importance of this happening. We did get to enjoy Edge beating Kennedy with the case a couple times; a sight I could never see again and it would be too fucking soon - I got tired of that bullshit REAL quick. Well, I’ll just look at it this way - Mr. Kennedy will be brought back a face now and get that injury push that even MARK HENRY has gotten heat from TWICE.

Up next - Orton vs. Cena; a match you’ll probably be fed in a few months on PPV and it will be touted as a big fucking deal and they’ll pretend this one never happened. Watch and believe.

JR invites us to look at the carnage at ringside, and I immediately want Cletus Kassidy to show up and tear BOTH of them to ribbons as they show us YET A-FUCKING-GAIN what Khali did to HBK in case, y’know, you died around 9:17 PM and were recently brought back by a necromancer. Can’t we just cut the bullshit and get on with a main event so it DOESN’T start at 11? Fucking twats.

JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON

Cena Reaction Report: Louder than Orton’s, but that’s cause them ladies love them some Cena.

Hey, he didn’t salute when he came out! What will the Corps think of that????

And, right on cue, the bell rings at 11 PM. Yay main event. Orton comes at him strong, but the might of Cena is great and he turns things around, until the might of Cena is counter-balanced by the might of the One Ring…pole. He he ha ha. Orton leads that into his stompy raindance and ever so cleverly transitions that into the chinlock. Oh, chinlock - how I have missed you so, with all of Randy’s wrongdoings and hooliganism.

Cena proves that the Marine is mightier than the chinlock as he powers the hell out of it, leading to the start of the 5 moves of DOOMY DOOM, but upon attempting the FU, the Punjabi Pile heads out to ruin yet another chunk of Raw for me. Prick.

The Pile simply grabs the title belt and walks away, distracting Cena just long enough to allow him to put Orton in the ST-FU (yeah, you read that right). Cena then decides that this match is fucking pointless all around and opts to chase down his bling bling belt, resulting in him being lambasted gingerly in the face/top of head region with said bling bling belt. Khali holds the belt up and Raw just fucking ends there - no bell ring, no decision, no fucking reason or rhyme, but no FU either.

WINNER: FUCK ALL - I WOULD SAY KHALI, WHICH MEANS YOU KNOW WHAT SCORE I’M GIVING THIS MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Khali waited until AFTER the chinlock to come down, so me and chinlock could get re-acquainted, since we’ll probably be seeing more of each other now that Orton’s in the doghouse and therefore not punished in the slightest.

OVERALL: Yup. Fuck Khali. And fuck this match, too - it was literally “you do your stupid moveset to me, then I’ll do mine to you, then we just don’t bother with a fucking ending”. We got no winner or loser; just Khali owning all. And fuck that, I say, fuck that.

OVERALL SHOW I’m done being easy on this crap. I could have missed this Raw entirely and other than Santino Marella’s debut and them calling the audible and putting the briefcase on Edge, I would have missed NOTHING. I almost did just that, as the NBA playoff game was much more entertaining…

Just IMAGINE if the NBA were like the WWE:

- Yao Ming would just be GIVEN a championship ring because he’s huge - mobility be not a factor.

- Ron Artest would have gotten a slap on the wrists for punching the fan had his team been in championship contention.

- The same fucking team would win every NBA finals in the last game, because they didn’t back down nor quit.

- David Stern (the NBA commissioner) would just make his own team and name them the NBA champions.

- They would split the Eastern and Western Conferences and no teams would be allowed to play cross-conference games, nor could they be traded (unless the trade only benefited ONE conference).

- One quarter of each NBA game would randomly be played by chicks that have fake tits, but are no good at basketball

Ok, sorry about that - back to this damn show. Everything was either a rematch from recent weeks, or just completely inconsequential to anything. The only storyline of consequence has been this Khali shit, and if they end up putting the strap on him, Vince keeps the ECW title, and Batista gets the other belt from the InjureTaker, then I think I might scream, kick my recliner a few times, and likely hit my head against something harder than I should be hitting my head against. On purpose. I’d say I’d shoot myself, but that’s the pussy way out.

And I’m spent.

Fresh off the aftermath of Backlash-A-Mania…and our show tonight opens with a horrendous and disturbing image that can only be described as UGH.

Vince McMahon with the ECW Championship next to John Cena STILL in possession of the Abomination.

If there was ANYONE I didn’t want to see walk out of Backlash with gold, it was these fuckers. The ECW title officially comes out of the frying pan and into a fucking inferno - Lashley could handle Mr. Kennedy AND Randy Orton in a tables handicap match, but not ONE guy he’s beaten twice and two NON-wrestlers; one over the age of sixty. We bitch that he can’t ever lose that strap, so this is what we get. Gotta love the “E” - making shit suck harder so the other shit you thought sucked wasn’t all that bad so when we give it back to you you’ll shut the fuck up and like it. Fuck it all - I could keep ranting or just shut up, so I’m going to do the latter because him winning that belt speaks volumes for it’s fucking self. Sorry, that’s it.

Anyway, there’s some banter between the champions (double UGH!) - and for some reason Vince is acting like a black dude - until all is interrupted by one HBK. Shawn tells Cena that sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good (which could likely explain the last two plus years of Cena’s push). Vince, who is still standing there in all his extreme glory, decides to make ONE MORE MATCH between these two for tonight - one that, if HBK wins, he gets a title shot, meaning that would be their FOURTH match. This does two things: ensures that Cena will win regardless, and also ensures that last weeks great match is forgotten.

After the intro and boom-booms, we’re just getting right the fuck down to it:

EDGE vs. RANDY ORTON

This is the match that “didn’t have time to happen last week” - i.e. Orton decides to RKO the bleeding shit out of a hotel room, causing more damage than I thought a hotel room could possibly be worth and wasn’t even there to wrestle.

Edge comes out first followed by Captian Doghouse - we open with the classic staredown + slap business as the heel-fest kicks off with Orton in control early, hitting his stompy rain-dance and kneedrop followed by miscellaneous beatings and chokings. This leads to the commercial spot of Edge being knocked off the apron. Will Edge be able to bounce back? We’ll find out!

Obviously not yet, as Orton’s still piling on the ownage. Said ownage continues until Edge reaches for a handful of balls - least it appears that way - and yanks Randy into the pole. Better than just yanking Randy’s pole like it seemed when he reached….anyway, this leads to Edge quasi-Spearing Orton off the apron, where he actually bounces off the announce table.

This leads to a stall while we get the audio back up (instead of Edge following up with a killer beatdown), Orton gets back in the ring and falls victim to the stompy rain-dance and kneedrop from Edge - that’ll teach you to share your secrets, bitch. Edge now locks in a hold that I’m going to describe as a chinlock, but only if your chin was on your titty.

Orton fights out - gets wheelkicked for his efforts. Edge heads to the top rope, stopped by Orton, but Edge kicks him down and goes for some kind of move that, had he connected, would have caused no damage to anyone. Luckily for Randy, he’s able to counter this non-move with a dropkick. Both men down.

Both men up now. They begin trading blows (which is SO way past Rated R, that’s for sure….) before Orton hits the Bagshitter Backbreaker that I’m now renaming the RoomTrasher, then a powerslam for a 2 count. Edge counters with an Edge-A-somethingorother for a 2 of his own (Edge is like Sting for naming shit - Scorpion this, Edge that….). Crowd is very strangely pro-Orton as we lead to the silly-looking double cross-body spot; the double clothesline spot for them athletic types.

Edge is first up and takes the turnbuckle pad off, kicking of a heelish fucker series of many rollups with tight-pullage and pin attempts with rope assistance (somewhere in there Orton got busted open on a snake-eyes spot). Orton tries for an RKO out of nowhere, but it’s countered into the Impaler DDT (which only a few months ago was ALSO called the Edge-A-Something. GET IT STRAIGHT, PEOPLE!). Edge only gets a 2 count, so he goes for the mighty spear, which is mightily hurdled by Orton. We’re gearing up for another RKO, but Edge is ready with another spear - this one wins it for him. A shock to us all - Orton did the J-O-B.

WINNER: EDGE (NOW HAD HE BEEN A HOTEL ROOM….)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Good series of moves and counters at the end; for a split second I actually thought that Orton might have a chance.

OVERALL: Good match with as clean of an ending as one can expect from perpetual dickheads like Orton and Edge. They seemed to gel pretty well together - something Orton hasn’t been able to do with anyone lately. I’d have given it at least ONE thumb up, but Orton’s well-documented “incident” and the sub sequential slap-on-the-hand made the finish about as unpredictable as the end of a porn scene. Don’t you wish YOU were as untouchable as Randy Orton? Fuck Eliot Ness…

We get a package for the Cena/HBK rematch, which their touting as Cena/Michaels III. III, huh? It’d better not be like some other III’s, like Scary Movie III or Bloodsport III. Just because ONE of them was good doesn’t mean any to follow (or, in this case, precede) will be. Already I don’t care….

Up next - in case you forgot where the hell the IC title went, here come the reminder…

…as Re-Todd is sitting down with the IC champion Santino Marella - it’s his first interview, but let’s show you how we got here…..ok, we’re done - what do you have to say? He’s very proud and people are very proud of him. Next week is his first title defense, and he’s nervous, but he wants to keep living the dream. That’s it. I won’t start shitting on this yet because it’s the most interesting thing to happen to the IC title since Nitro was wearing it like a big floppy belt-shaped wang. And THAT, amigos, is both sad and fucked.

We then see RVD’s comments about Vince winning the ECW title - more or less saying what everyone thinks: he’s officially killed the spirit of ECW. Fuck killed it - mutilated, burned, and raped the ashes of it.

Backstage now with Vince, who refers to himself as the “King of Extreme”. I’m not even going to go there. He tells Shane to make sure that Umaga crushes RVD tonight for his comments, then they share a tender moment where they hug and Shane asks if he can hold the belt. Funny how NOW the fucking thing matters….and it’s not like Shane couldn’t just go get an ECW title made if he wanted one - hell, it’s pretty much what Vince did anyway.

MORE backstage bullshit, this time with Maria (wearing a shirt that would most definitely look better on my floor) who’s with a pissed-off Edge, who tells us he’s going to re-insert himself into the title picture because HE never lost last night and HBK keeps getting all the chances. And he’ll do this whether YOU like it or not, which means we can look forward to a run-in…

Back from break, we may have some wrestling. Cade/Murdoch are at ringside doing commentary, which means here comes the Hardys - one of them, anyway. The weird one. The “Charismatic Enigma” or whatever the fuck they used to call him “down south”.

JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO

Yay! Well, maybe. The seemingly forgotten Johnny Nitro returns to battle his former nemesis - a fact that none of the announcers even come close to playing up (I would later discover why).

Match opens with Jeff in control until, uh, Nitro is. Nitro goes RIGHT for the chinlock (because we shockingly DIDN’T see one earlier in the Edge/Orton match and all would be fucked in the land if Raw went off the air without one). Post-chinlock we go to punching from Nitro, then the SHHHHHHHHH in the Wind from Jeff (catch me!!!). Jeff follows up with a face-front suplex, Nitro bounces back with a reverse swinging neckbreaker, then goes up top. Hardy runs up there, backdrops him down, and hits the Swanton bomb for the win, all while Cade/Murdoch were doing nothing but talking praises for Jeff.

THIS is why they didn’t play up the feud - Nitro was going to be JOBBED the fuck out and it would be silly to remind people that these two were virtual equals for about 3 months. Not like I’d remember anyway; I watch Raw every week forgetting that the previous week usually pissed me off in some way.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Clean finish; no run-in from Cade/Murdoch - completely threw me off.

OVERALL: I’ve seen some terrific matches from these two. This one was not one of them; not even in the same plane of existence as them. Nitro lost WAY too quickly - it really wasn’t that long ago this same guy BEAT Jeff Hardy for the Intercontinental Title. Now he gets pretty much pwned for pretty much no reason. I guess being the IC champ a mere 5 months ago doesn’t mean shit - then again, this is the same title that we’re led to believe was won by a fucking FAN because no one cared enough to come out and challenge Umaga for it. Whatever…and fuck the “yay”, by the way.

Post match, Cade and Murdoch try to shake the hand of Jeff Hardy, but he’s all like no fucking way and leaves in all his fancy beard shaved and filthy colored hair glory.

Approaching Vince o’clock (which I’m now re-naming “McMahon o’clock”), here comes the money. Shane is out there to announce the entrance of Umaga, the Samoan Blowjob Machine (c’mon, how ELSE did a guy who got FIRED while his more-valued former tag partner get the awesome gimmick of a lackey to Shane fucking Helms get rehired with such a push to where he’s being announced to the ring by Shane McMahon and has a total of like 4 losses since? Blowjob machine, that’s how. And he knows all the what for about using that thumb…).

UMAGA vs. ROB VAN DAM

We start this match in progress, as we cut to break after the entrances. That’s the WWE microcosm right there: we televise Shane McMahon’s entrance, his breathtaking announcement of Umaga heading to the ring, and 3/4 of RVD’s entrance to the ring, but skip over the whole fucking start of the match - in a fucking nutshell, kids. Anyway, Umaga is, of course, in control. RVD squeezes a tiny flurry in, but is Samoan Dropped for his efforts. I wonder if, in Samoa, when people are carrying shit, they’re always carrying it across their backs instead of in their arms, so any time they drop their luggage or a basket of apricots or something, it causes them to tip over backwards instead of just hit the ground, hence the term?

Probably not at fucking all, actually.

Back to reality, RVD tries to slam Umaga, but is crushed under the weight of his push and his ass. This leads to more Umaga offense, but, alas, RVD finds a tiny chink in the armor and applies the EXTREME…(dun dun dun)…….CHAMPIONSHIP…………SSSSSSSSSSLEEPERHOLD. Nothing embodies extreme (or Rob Van Dam, for that matter) like the most boring fucking hold of all time. It’s called the SLEEPerhold. It doesn’t just apply to the dude getting sleepered.

But it seems to be working, as Umaga starts to fade. Then he decides he’s not fading any longer and dumps RVD to the floor. Umaga goes after him, RVD returns to the extreme sleeper. This one results in RVD getting ran into the stairs. May want to give up on the sleeper….RVD (complete with post-Five Star Frog Splash face) rolls back into the ring, gets headbutted, but avoids the running Ass of Doom.

This leads to an RVD comeback with some actual RVD offense (including some kicks, prompting another ridiculous JR “educated feet” reference - something about the right one being the valedictorian. Fucking A….”his feet are so educated, they have doctorates!” “Those feet have received multiple scholarships at various accredited universities around the nation” “Rob Van Dam’s feet are double-majoring in pain and swiftness!” Stupid.) , ending with a Rolling Thunder for all of a one count.

Ending = fucky as RVD now goes for the Five Star, but apparently Umaga grabs the throat of RVD (while still taking the frog splash full-on, but never mind that) and gets RIGHT up to THUMB the life right out of him - for three seconds, anyway.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: RVD didn’t get completely buried.

OVERALL:  Strangely, Shane McMahon did nothing at ringside. Another clean finish, plus the fact that it was RVD on Raw, saved this match from (ironically) two THUMBS down instead of just one. Otherwise, it was just like every other fucking Umaga match ever. And now that he’s a tool of the McMahons, the above score is likely the highest you’ll ever see from an Umaga match.

They tell us Cena/HBK III is up next…

….but first, we go backstage with FlairLito. Carlito apologies to Ric for last week and tells him that he got them a match against the Worlds Greatest Tag Team to prove that he’s a winner - because who would be easier to beat in a tag match than the fucking WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM? I am unsure when this match is to take place if our main event is next.

Ok. That’s why. There will BE no Cena/Michaels III (now if only there were no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III). HBK music plays and plays, until we see a backstage shot of HBK all beat down and KO’d. After commercial, a small crowd has gathered around Shawn trying to solve the mystery of who beat him down. Coach accuses Cena, who becomes my favorite wrestler for all of seven seconds when he throws Coach against the wall and he whimpers like a little bitch. Vince shows up and DEMANDS everyone discovers whodunit - the mystery is on!

HBK’s unexpected beatdown was SO unexpected and shocking and obviously NOT supposed to happen that they already had the tag match planned. Fucks.

FLAIRLITO vs. WGTT (ABBREVIATED AS TO NOT EMBARASS THE TEAM BY REMINDING THEM THAT THEY ARE SO NOT)

Flair/Haas start out. Flair does fine, then Carlito comes in and the heels take over. Carlito shows a burst of offense and nearly breaks his damn neck with a hurrincanrana, but after that the formula kicks into cruise control and the “frequent tag isolation heels both beat down face when face partner tries to make save” is what we get for the next few minutes on Carlito. Naturally, Carlito counters a move by Benjamin that hurts him too, and he drags his ass over to FINALLY make the hot tag to Flair. Carlito doesn’t leave the ring though….could this be it? Yep. From a mile away, El Gringo calls the heel turn as Carlito nails Flair with a clothesline. Ric, however, doesn’t just crumble in a heap and get left to be pinned by the WGTT. Nope - even the WORLD’S GREATEST team don’t get to clean this one up as Flair fights Carlito back all the way up the ramp, while Barbie looks on in horror. She’ll be fine - next couple weeks she’ll find a new stick to pogo and she can get back to work on that whore bingo card. Go for “another girl”. I guarantee it would be more interesting that “old man” or “Puerto Rican” or “son of Ric Flair” or “has-been cruiserweight” or “Japanese Buzzsaw” or…fuck it, you get my point.

WINNER: NO ONE (BUT MOST DEFINITELY NOT FLAIRLITO)

BEST PART OF MATCH: The only thing that mattered: Carlito’s long awaited return to the dark side. Now THAT’S fucking cool.

OVERALL: The actual match was nearly a carbon copy of their other one, only this time we don’t even get the courtesy of a finish here. I don’t know why they didn’t ring the bell and just give it to the WGTT - how bad did these guys fuck up so bad to not even be granted a count-out win over a team that was de-existing right in front of them? Other than the heel turn, it was blah-tastic.

Backstage, the trainers find EDGE beat the fuck down this time - who could be committing these heinous acts? It’s like a murder mystery, but without the blood or killing - but plenty of bodies lying around! Coach immediately assumes it’s Orton’s doing, so they set out on an Orton quest. Check the women’s locker room first.

Back from break and I am given quite a treat out of nowhere: KENNEDY!!! My favorite guy in all the WWE parades to the ring and gets on his mic to tell everyone right away that he didn’t take out Edge and HBK because he doesn’t need to do that to get a title shot - he’s got the Money in the Bank. He then teases the crowd by asking them if he wants him to cash it in tonight (*cheers*), then says nope (*you suck*). He responds to the “you suck” chants by saying “I don’t suck, because I have this.”. I love this guy. He then announces that, unlike Edge, he’s going to tell us the date he’s cashing the contract in: Wrestlemania 24. Smart fucking man. I’ve set my 50 bucks aside already. And that’s all he’s got to say……Kennedy…..

Suddenly, we go backstage, and ORTON is laid out now! It REALLY seems like some Scooby-Doo mystery shit now. Now it just has to end with Coach pulling off his face to reveal HHH….Zoiks, Scoob!!!

Coach is backstage now with Vince - he has no idea what’s going on, but Mr. McMahon does (imagine that) and he tells Coach to find Cena, as the guy responsible for this will confront him in the ring tonight. Oooooh - exciting.

And JUST when you thought 10:49 was too late for it….

DIVA-TABULAR TAG MATCH - THE VERY SAME ONE FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO

MILENA/VICTORIA vs. MICKIE/CANDICE (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT NOW FOUR TIMES THE POINTLESSNESS AS THIS IS THE EPIC REMATCH!)

A war of “Diva swimsuit shoots” vs. “You’ve seen our squish mittens” - naturally the ones you’ve seen in the nude are the faces. Match begins with Milena and Candice - back & forth girl-on-girl action complete with screaming and hair-pulling, and no where near as cool as I just made it sound.

Victoria eventually gets involved after Mickie gets the tag, smashing her against the apron before Milena gets the tag, who hits Mickie with a tree-of-woe leapfrog spot. Mickie finally makes the tag to Candice, who kind-of lands a kind-of headscissors before things get all cluster-fucky and cat-fightish, leading to Candice stealing a win with a small package on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDICE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: There wasn’t really anything particularly hot about this match, so if I HAVE to pick something, I’d say it was seeing Candice utilizing the small package - giving every one of you hope that one day, she’ll utilize YOUR small package also.

OVERALL: Same ol’ chicky-match bullshit. Very obviously just filler.

Cena’s heading to the ring for the non-existent main event looking like someone stole his lunch money.

After the final break, the music hits and Cena wastes NO time getting to the ring. No salute? You disrespectful fuck, you!

Cena Reaction Report: Loud, but high-pitched cheers.

Cena’s on the mic - someone is obviously trying to get his attention. As per usual, he’s right here and if you want some - come get some. He strips and gets ready for a fight, because he never backs down, y’know….and he’s waiting….still waiting…..and then it happens. The entranceway pukes and out comes my worst nightmare.

The Punjabi Pile himself - the Great Khali.

After I say “fuck” a few times, I look up from kicking my recliner to see the epic battle of no sell vs. no understand sell unfold - Khali is pretty much destroying Cena, while simultaneously doing something else impossible: he’s actually got the whole crowd universally cheering for John Cena. Success in one department, but oh, so many failures still remaining in the others. Cena does go for the F-U, fails, and gets the chokebomb, leading to an image that invokes such conflicting feelings within me that I’m afraid I may destroy myself: Khali standing with one foot on a completely owned John Cena holding the championship. And that’s what we end Raw on - fuck off with the lot of you.

Let the build towards the worst title match of all time begin.

OVERALL SHOW: This show had some high points; Edge/Orton’s solid match, Carlito finally growing a pair and turning heel, and the surprise appearance of Mr. Kennedy, but it also - putting it lightly - had some low points. Hence the “fuck you”. We just saw the biggest suck-pile in the WWE get put over the ENTIRE order of contendership (including the champion himself) while simultaneously having to process the fact that Vince McMahon is the ECW champion (which means the belt will be defended in ECW even LESS than before - what the fuck is the point again?). I can only hope for Cena’s unfuckwithable push and inability to lose will come out with full-on Marine guns a’blazin’ and this shit dies and goes away with a mighty FU before it has a chance to suck away any remaining desire to give any sort of fuck about the fate of the Spinner belt. Course, then again, if Khali wins, that means the Spinner might go the fuck away AND it would prove that Cena CAN lose that belt by him being pinned in a real match. What a fucked up position they’ve put me in. Damn you, assholes……DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!

Raw kicks off with McMahon. SHANE McMahon, who’s getting cheers for being “Shane”, and boos for being “McMahon”. What I was hoping would be different actually becomes more of the god damn same as Shane O’Mac tells us that the McMahon name used to garner respect and fear (funny, that’s not usually what it garners for me…), but now it’s being laughed at because of bald-ass Vince. He reminds all none of you that forgot that it was indeed Bobby Lashley’s fault that the McMahon name is being ridiculed and he calls his ass out. Maybe he won’t come out - he IS on another brand, y’know…

No luck, as “Sergeant Superpush” heads down to the ring wearing a suit - maybe that means he’s not wrestling tonight! Shane tells him that he took the McMahon family dignity, so tonight he’s taking the only thing that he cares about - the ECW title. Well, at least SOME ONE cares about the belt….either way, he makes a match for the belt between himself and Lashley that will likely become the main event now.
Cue Umaga now, but Shane tells them to back off. Un-cue Umaga. Back in the ring, Lashley ups the stakes by having Shane put HIS hair on the line if he loses. Shane accepts! It’s the Battle Of The…Uhhh…Guys!!!! Maybe this is Lashley’s new gimmick - mess with him, you get BALDED. Something like that…

Our first match of the night will NOT kick things off with a bang, but if there was a “bang” involved it might be a more entertaining segment overall:

MICKIE JAMES/CANDICE MICHELLE vs. MILENA/VICTORIA - DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH (TWICE THE BOOBIES, TWICE THE POINTLESSNESS!)

A few things before we start on the match. First of all, Mickie’s not wearing the skirt thing anymore, so I can’t even fall back on that part and I already care less than usual. Secondly, Milena’s entrance is not that cool when she’s wearing wrestling tights, and despite the fact that it’s cool and all that she can do the splits, calling it the best ring entrance ever is putting it a bit high on the scale, dont’cha think?

To the match, now - things get sloppy early with Mickie & Milena, then we get Candice who actually looks better in the ring than the other two girls - at least until she gets kicked in her babymaker by Victoria.

Heels in control at this point, including a bow-and-arrow like submission from Milena on Candice that would have been damned interesting and perhaps a bit erotic had they had that ladder match camera up there…

Back to reality, we get the hot (hotter with the skirt) tag to Mickie, who hits the Shark Boy neckbreaker, then the sloppy-looking Mickie DDT thing for the pinfall on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE & CANDICE

BEST PART OF MATCH: My fallback is gone, so I don’t think I even know….we’ll just say Milena wasn’t screaming at all. That was nice.

OVERALL: I’ve seen much, much worse - the absence of the Useless Plastic helped this match from staying out of the toilet. However, despite the rating (which is default for Diva matches, as this is partially their purpose), there wasn’t a lot of skin in this match. If you’re going to do this, do it right, damn you.

And JUST when you thought it was over, they show footage of Vince getting his head shaved. Nothing ever ends - it just goes on fucking breaks.

We get Mick Foley backstage now with some little kid who’s “Make A Wish” wish was evidently to be the General Manager of Raw for one night. I can’t say my wish would EVER be to do anything that the fucking Coach has done, but then again, I’m not dying so I should just shut up. The kid does, however, get a hug from Maria, who was wearing approximately 1/5 of a shirt. Wish GRANTED.

Back to the area of ringside, we see FlairLito w/ Barbie heading to the ring for a match. There’s been a shitload of tag matches lately - it’s as if they’re making up for two years of not giving a shit about tag wrestling by saying “here’s some tag wrestling - now shut the fuck up”.

Before said tag wrestling, however, Carlito has something to say. He tells Ric Flair that it’s not everyday you get a wake-up call from a 16-time world champion - and here’s a reminder of just who he is as the segment quickly becomes a plug for the new Ric Flair & the Four Horsemen DVD; complete with footage!

Back from 80’s Land, Carlito also says that WHEN they win tonight (don’t EVER say “WHEN” we win - it’s a fucking curse…), they’ll get a shot at the tag team titles @ Backlash.

FLAIRLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH - APPARENTLY A #1 CONTENDERS TAG TEAM MATCH, UNLESS THAT ONLY APPLIES TO CARLITO AND FLAIR WINNING…

We take a commercial break before this match starts, so we will be joining “in progress”…why can’t we cut out the damn entrances and join the match “as it starts”?

Upon return, we see chopping. hear JR confirm that it is in fact a #1 contenders match for the tag titles, and see the match go into full-on tag formula mode as Cade/Murdoch take firm control against Flair. The evil is, of course, soon thwarted as Flair makes the hot (cool?) tag to Carlito, who brings the mighty hot tag punching before hitting his insanely expensive kneelift, but quickly learns the danger of pointless springboarding as things go awry when he MISSES. This leads to the high/low move (fuck if I remember what they call it - two clotheslines from differing directions) and the win (?) for Cade & Murdoch.

WINNERS (AND #1 CONTENDERS): CADE/MURDOCH (??)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, I guess I’d have to say the surprise ending - not so much Carlito/Flair losing, but Cade & Murdoch WINNING.

OVERALL: It was going to be one thumb side, one thumb down because the match was way too quick and way too formulaic, but I always like being surprised - even if I don’t like the result. Points for surprising me. Give yourselves an ass pat - rarely do you surprise me, Raw.

Post match, Carlito walks away looking like someone just rented the last copy of “Borat” at Blockbuster and he REALLY wanted to see it again, which would be marginally pissed.

Mini-rant alert: I know they’re building towards Carlito likely turning on Flair, but it needs to happen soon - and I have a suggestion: just have Flair steal his boo. He’s still Space Mountain, y’know, and that’ll totally get him all butt-hurt and he’ll settle it the only way a jealous EX-boyfriend knows how - springboarding and backcracking. It’s not like Torrie will suffer anything as far as HER character goes - she’s an on-screen whore anyway whose been with so many different dudes in storyline that she could justify the whole relationship by telling him the only reason she got with Carlito in the first place was to black out the “Puerto Rican” square on her “Whore Bingo” card - a game she’s probably now beating Lita at….

Up next, we get a VERY special look at “The Condemned”. Not just special, bitches - VERY special, so start feeling special. They really should have put Cena in this movie too so there would be some REAL drama as far as the one guy who gets to live in the end. I’d go see that one.

Backstage with Shane & Coach, who gets his hand slapped when he tries to touch Shane’s hair. If Shane’s supposed to be the scum-sucking bad guy, slapping and belittling Coachman is not the avenue by which to achieve that goal. Coach offers him some guidance for tonight’s match with Lashley, Shane more or less tells him to fuck off and leave.

We then jump from one tool to another as Re-Todd Grisham is backstage with HBK. Shawn lets us know that nice guys don’t finish first (read: I’M GONNA BE THE BAD GUY!! STOP BOOING CENA!!) and tonight’s match will be won by the guy who wants it more. Orton interrupts on that note, saying HBK’s days as top contender are over. Shawn retorts by telling Orton he’s the 1000th guy to tell him that, and as a prize he’ll get new dentures - he’ll need them after he gets his teeth kicked out of his face (and NOT down his throat, which is usually what he says will happen - HBK means SERIOUS BUSINESS tonight, Randy). Orton’s all like whatever as we head to the kinda-sorta-should be-main event.

RANDY ORTON vs. SHAWN MICHAELS - #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

We actually have a match WITHOUT McMahon here at Vince o’clock as Orton’s out first, but then wait! HBK’s got the “Sexy Boy” music back!!!! Maybe God finally got tired of being an honorary member of DX and told them to stop pretending