Back once again with the flava in ya ear….er….eyes? El Gringo is bringing you, CircleJerks, another phe-goddamn-nomenal & awesomely cool TOP 11 list!!! This one features the top 11 wrestlers never to see a major world title reign, but most definitely should have. There are a few ground rules to my list here:

First - only the top and most meaningful titles in a promotion count. No US or Intercontinental or TV titles or any of those seemingly less and less meaningful championships.

Second - only World Titles from major televised North American promotions are being counted (WWF/E, NWA/WCW, ECW, and now TNA) ; basically, if the majority of the world doesn’t even know that it happened or the promotion was never on the TV, it’s obviously not a big enough “world” title. Also, if it happened (or didn’t happen) elsewhere in the world, you guys don‘t really care. I’m not typing this in Japanese, am I?

Third - “World” Tag Team Championships don’t count.

Fourth - only wrestlers/titles from the last 30 years are being counted here - this was the era wrestling truly evolved from and when the titles started to gain their prestige. Also, the guys from this era are the guys people that would read a list such as this would actually know and give two shits about. Always important to have my readers giving shits.

Lastly - the wrestler in question has to be no longer actively wrestling. And not like Hogan, where you’re not really sure if he’s done going to Vince and wanting one more run. Done in the ring, save for the truly occasional appearance. Or they’re dead….(sigh)

Now that the bullshit is out of the way - ON TO THE 11! (which gets a bit wordy as I felt the need to give these guys huge props - if you don’t like reading just skip to the numbers. Lazy ass.)

(Quick Note - “Ravishing” Rick Rude was to be on this list, but after a bit of research, and to avoid the fucking e-mails telling me I’m not following my own criteria, I removed him Here’s why. Rick Rude did beat Ric Flair for what would have been the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. However, long story short, WCW was forced to withdraw from the NWA when this happened (in a TV taping). So, to cover their ass, the belt was re-named the WCW International World Heavyweight Championship (International World? That’s like saying “locally global”), which was later merged with the WCW World Championship, which Rude did not win. However, even though he was never officially recognized as NWA World Champion, he was booked to win the belt before NWA told WCW to fuck off and to give back the name “NWA Champion”. So on a technicality, Rick Rude got his title reign)

11. Earthquake

You’re probably all thinking “why the fuck?”….but here’s why the fuck: When I was growing up watching wrestling, one of the most vivid memories I had was Earthquake crushing Hulk Hogan with the big sitdown thingy he used to do and I remember, as a little Hulkamaniac, being crushed myself. The image of Hulk selling the splash like he’d been shot with a tazer and a merciless Earthquake standing over top of him is still burned into my skull. Now, in my unfortunate older years, I now know why angles like that happen: so wrestlers can go poison the world doing non-wrestling shit in what has now become free time! In this case I’m sure it was some atrocious Hogan “movie”, but back then I thought he was going to fucking die. I even sent the sonofabitch a get well card….shut up. I bought every second of it. But back to why (the fuck) he should have been a world champion. First of all, he punked out Hogan pretty bad (and he’s a fucking IMMORTAL so you either have to cut off his head or apparently sitting on his chest with rope-ran force will do the trick). But here’s the most important reason: WARRIOR was champion during Quake’s big run at the top. The history of what Warrior eventually did for/to the business is something most of us as fans would probably like to forget (hell, in a roundabout way he almost paralyzed the British Bulldog, not to mention the laundry list of miscellaneous crazy bullshit). So let’s do exactly that and forget it - forget HIM. Hogan would still be champion, as he’d live out a dream and main-event Wrestlemania 6 by himself. But when Ego-Mania took over and he felt like he HAD to go waste some celluloid somewhere with his “acting”, the Quake would have been there to keep the belt warm till he came back and won it. No Warrior anywhere. Fuck him - Long live John Tenta and his phantom title reign!

10. Lance Storm

This guy was quite possibly the most underrated wrestler of all time. A perfect example of trying to squeeze lemonade out of a brick. Everywhere this guy went after ECW, they tried to make him something he truly wasn’t (especially WWE). He was always just a straightforward, technically sound wrestler - something the business didn’t need by the time he got to the big two. They already had Chris Benoit, and apparently one is enough. I for one would have loved to see Storm pushed properly and built to having a 45 minute fucking wrestling clinic with HBK or someone end with a title reign (even if it was short). Or just win it with a rollup while pulling the tights - that seems to be the guaranteed pinfall these days. He retired without ever being given the chance - he was like a (warning lame metaphor alert) Hyundai mechanic in a world of American cars; had the tools, just no one gave him shit to work on with them.

9. Greg Valentine

He’d pretty much hit his prime before our list cutoff begins, but he should still be recognized as one of the greatest heels ever. One of the first guys to use the “I’ll really fuckin’ hurt you so watch the fuck out” gimmick, he worked stiff and people HATED the guy back in the day…maybe even a couple days. He was a pioneer for doing what he did when he did it (an extremely fucking obvious statement, but it sounds good) and a wrestler like Valentine existing today would be pushed to fucking Mars. Once he got to WWF, he was pretty much saddled with pointless face turns, random team-ups (including his ridiculous black hair experiment with one Honky Tonk Man in Rhythm & Blues - he had to feel awkward as all fuck in that gimmick), and an all-around “meh” was the wrestling worlds general opinion of him after a few Wrestlemania appearances. He should have been honored for what he did and pushed with the strengths he had. Being allowed to “dance with who brought him to the dance” after he got to Vince-Land should have netted him at least one major title reign. Oh, yeah - Hogan was there. He had no chance. Sorry Greg.

8. Davey Boy Smith

The Bulldog was a perfect example of “not quite enough” when it came to the bookers and the world championship. He had the look THEN that seems to dominate the landscape today of all the guys pushed to the top. He was sound in the ring, had a good wrestling pedigree (not the kind that “NO ONE KICKS OUT OF”, but in the fact that he was trained by, and became a member of, the Hart Family in Stampede), and just had something about him that got him naturally over with the crowd no matter what. That last fact is something that very few “superstars” have anymore - most of the time, they get a canned push that the crowd, many times, will completely reject. Smith could have been bigger than his Intercontinental/European title pushes - as illustrated by his brief return to WWE in 1999 (after a less-than-lackluster stint in WCW) that thrust him directly to the main even, and even in a title match (granted, it was one that featured 5 other guys and one of those guys was one Triple H, making his chances of winning his first world title somewhere between the likelihood of banging Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel at the same time and the chance of Vince actually acknowledging that TNA exists). The Bulldog went to the kennel in the sky in 2002 - taking with him a wrestler that would have been champion at nearly any other point in wrestling history save for the one he wrestled in. Bummer.

7. Arn Anderson

The Four Horsemen. Any wrestling fan worth their salt (what the hell does that even mean?) associates two guys with the possibly the most well known stable in wrestling history. McMichael and Roma? Fuck you - get out of my pool. I don’t even need to say it, so I’ll type it instead: Flair and Anderson. Flair’s a 16 time (WHOOOOO) world champion. Arn’s a 0 time (BOOOOOO) world champion. His mic skills were ahead of their time; it was his ability to talk that pretty much created the “Horsemen” idea itself. Like many on this list, he had many other title reigns (in Arn’s case, tag team gold), but like ALL on this list, was never given the singles push to climb to the top prize - that role was given to the more flamboyant Ric Flair. Few could cut a promo like Arn, and if he would have come around about 10 years later, the strap would have been his. Remember this every time JR calls it a “Double A Spinebuster” - the guy ripping off the move had won 10 world titles on about half the presence and skill of Double A himself. This ranking is not reflective of his recent decision to put Bob Holly over all of ECW. Fuck him for that, but the WRESTLER had all the qualifications of a world champion.

6. Scott Hall

Some might think it a travesty that this dudes name is higher on the list than those who paved the way for him. Here’s the big kick for “The Bad Guy”: POPULARITY. Scott Hall was one of the most popular wrestlers of his time: both as Razor Ramon and his “self-titled album” version. I’ll put it this way - the guy was able to take the total fucking cheezeball gimmick of “Razor fucking Ramon” and turn him into a 4-time Intercontinental Champion. He called it “oozing machismo”, but the rest of us know it as “charisma”. Can anyone argue that then-main-eventer and former champ Yokozuna was more popular than Razor? Didn’t think so. He has the distinction of being the other guy in the now-famous ladder match at WM X and for a big man was able to totally pull it off. Going to WCW further proved his popularity as he was the first TRUE shot fired (fuck Luger - the nWo was the reason for the war) in what would become the Monday Night Wars and later on would basically phone in every appearance and half-ass every match and promo he did and he’d STILL be one of the most popular guys on the roster, which allowed him to keep his job for as long as he did. It also helped he was real life good buddies with Nash, who was as big of a backstage politician you can get. It’s rare you see that kind of popularity combined with an established main event push and don’t see a world title involved….but ultimately, that’s probably Scott Hall’s own fault. He missed his own chance, but few fans would have objected had he been given the strap.

5. Curt Hennig

Another fantastic in-ring performer who very much seemed ahead of his time. Considering the amount of superb matches this guy was able to put on with many former world champions, it really is disappointing that “Mr. Perfect” didn’t get one himself. Seems kind of silly that a “perfect” wrestler wouldn’t win the main championship….Anyway, Hennig was one of those guys who paid his dues in the business and had all the tools of a champion. So, like most wrestlers in the WWF during this time, he got the Intercontinental Championship….whoohooo! But, in defense, it was guys like Hennig that legitimized the IC championship during “Ego-Mania”; it became the belt that the WRESTLERS went after. In later years, a strong IC title reign would lead to a strong World title reign (see Austin, Steve, Rock, The, H, Triple, and Angle, Kurt to name a few), but here a strong IC title reign for Perfect would lead to - hanging out with Ric Flair while HE got to win ANOTHER championship. From this point on, Hennig would end up doing all kinds of shit: color commentating, guest refereeing, managing, joining the nWo, hating rap, returning to Vince-Land for one last go, then eventually dying of “complications from acute cocaine intoxication”. Sad. Perfect wasn’t involved in many high-profile feuds for World championships, but his name (both of them) is still remembered today over many of yesterdays stars. That is because he was an awesome wrestler who brought out the best in his opponents and himself; Bret Hart himself has said that Hennig was one of his best opponents. The Excellence Of Execution has spoken: If Bret says you’re the bomb, then you’re the fucking bomb (which defaults you into the list right there).

4. Owen Hart

The most tragic death in wrestling history. There shouldn’t have been any doubt in anyone’s mind that Owen Hart would have been more than deserving of a world championship had his career continued as it should have. I don’t want to bitch about this too much, but Owen was my personal favorite wrestler in Vince-Land since the silly “High Energy” shit with Koko B Ware. I loved everything the guy did. The Blue Blazer shit was monkey-jar retarded and he should have never been in those rafters. That out of the way - he’s a fucking Hart. After WM X’s match with Brother Bret (and the feud to follow), Owen became a lock in the mid card of the WWF - and I do mean “a LOCK”; other than a feud with a quasi-heel DX (HHH/HBK circa 1997-1998, not the belly-chopping, Raw-owning, HBK-gets-his-ass-kicked-in-until-he-makes-the-hot-tag-and-the-ring-bows-to-the-king-and-his-unfuckwithable-finisher duo circa 2006) as he never moved from there until the Blazer gimmick with Jarrett - and look what ‘ol Double J’s done since then! But Owen would never get the chance - either Vince was still vindictive over Harts in general, or he simply dismissed Owen as he does many mid-card talents as always being there to fill any role you ask of him because he’s a company guy and can make any meatbag look good in the ring. But alas, the great talent that lied within “The King Of Harts” would abruptly leave the world of wrestling on that fateful day in May, 1999. Despite never actually being given the ball, Owen Hart would be easily considered by many fans (and probably many wrestlers as well) to forever be a champion, and there is no doubt in MY mind that somehow, someway he would have truly achieved that goal if he were still with us today. Sorry ’bout the downer on this entry….

3. Ted DiBiase

Money, money, money, money, moneyyyyy……everyone has a price. “The Million Dollar Man” was probably the greatest heel gimmick ever. DiBiase got the right kind of heat; not the infamous “X-Pac” heat or “Fire Jarrett” heat. People just loved to hate the guy, and he loved to be hated as well. He was able to pull this gimmick off with flying colors (he even practically owned a slave), and it shot him to wrestling immortality as there are few wrestling fans out there that don’t know of the Million Dollar Man and his Million Dollar Championship, despite the fact that he was heel for his entire active wrestling career (a rarity these days). He was also very skilled in the ring and was somehow able to seem like a rich pompous ass even while simply wrestling; such as when he would shove $100 bills in the mouths of those he put to sleep with the “Million Dollar Dream”. One of the best examples of playing the gimmick was when he tried to buy the championship from Hogan, which unfortunately ended with him having to wrestle him for it and therefore not winning the strap. He was involved in the “screwjob” where he got Andre to win the belt from Hogan FOR him, which he did on a controversial (not “John Cena” controversial) two/three count. That whole debacle lead to him main-eventing Wrestlemania 4 as one of two finalists in a tournament for the vacant championship, which would lock his place in history as the only man to be in a Wrestlemania World Championship main event match and never once actually take the strap - not then and not ever. His career would then spiral downward from there as he went to tag wrestling (where he was actually able to get the gimmick of I.R.S. over just because he was associated with him) and then to managing full-time after 1993 in both WWE & WCW before retiring after holding ZERO major singles championships. Now, granted, the gimmick really didn’t need a championship; he could buy his own - and that belt was much cooler anyway. But that’s kind of a cop-out; Ted DiBiase will always be one of the most remembered wrestlers of all time. He defined the “love to hate” heel, and pretty much paved the way for a character like JBL - who got a world championship reign of his own, which is a pretty damn good indicator of the treatment that Ted would have gotten at any other point in WWE history. A glaring omission from the great champions of his era and THE model heel.

2. Jake Roberts

First of all, this was practically a tie between DiBiase and Jake Roberts, but I had to give it to Jake based on the simple fact that he never held ANY championships in either WWF or WCW. I say fuck that. Jake had three strong points: psychology, psychology, psychology. The lost art. Jake “The Snake” knew how to make everything just seem as real as it needed to be. He was just cool as hell - he had that “it” factor that just makes someone a star. He wasn’t the biggest guy or the fastest guy or even the best wrestler in the business. But he had “it”. Roberts was also one of the best talkers in the history of wrestling with the uncanny ability to pull you in when he spoke; he had the charisma of a cult leader. Just look at the guys he feuded with during his high career point in WWF (he would later in life have many “high points”): Steamboat, Hogan, Andre, Warrior, Savage, Taker - somebody obviously felt that he was a star. But like most deserving stars during this time period, Ego-Mania was thoroughly running wild and stopping anyone who might challenge the throne of popularity. The Snake was another perfect example of a guy who’d be the greatest star of his time had he come around (and reached his prime) in a world without Hogan. But this world doesn’t exist to my knowledge, so damn it all it never happened. Now in the contrary to this, Jake would have probably had a chance to not be on this list had he not burned out so fast on those infamous “personal demons” that JR always talks about. Basically, during the one point in his career that he WAS deserving, he was never given the shot. As those times passed us by, Jake Roberts passed into basically becoming a junkie and never being the same again, so even if they wanted to right a wrong and give him one reign just because, there was, quite simply, no fucking way that would have happened. On that note, there is definitely something to be said about the man’s undying popularity in the wrestling world when they KNOW he’s nearly a crackhead and yet federations (INCLUDING WWE) will still bring him back for appearances because they know he’s still a draw - just his name is a bigger draw than half the WWE roster. Christ - he INVENTED the DDT (where the hell would we be without it?). That’s deserving of a championship reign in itself. At least ONE belt of SOME kind anyway…

1. Roddy Piper

A fucking travesty. This is the most glaring omission on the list of title histories. The single most deserving man of a world championship. Period. Whatever other punctuation you prefer. Piper was a once-in-a-lifetime performer. The kilt, the bagpipes, and the quickest wit in the history of wrestling. Piper was (and still is considered) on of the greatest icons in pro wrestling history. Hulk Hogan likely wouldn’t have been as universally loved as he was had it not been for Piper being as despised as he was - Piper himself said this in a promo when he got to WCW. But like all great heels, people eventually just started to love to see the guy and see just what the hell he would do next. There was no Roddy Piper before him, and there has yet to be anyone like him to follow. There are many who associate the WWF with Piper just as much as Hogan, yet Piper never got to wear the strap. The argument on Piper’s DVD “Born To Controversy” (which I intend to review in the future) as to why he was never champion was simply “Roddy didn’t need the championship to be popular”. If only they’d use that thinking today; the second somebody gets popular, they shove a belt on them where it seems to lose more and more meaning each day as it rots on someone who was arguably MORE popular when the weren’t the focus of every major feud (see Cena, John and Batista, Dave). Piper may not have needed it, but that’s just it - he was THAT popular. Whether he needed it or not, it sure would have been nice for him to be able to go down in history as a former world champion. Blame Hogan for this one - at the apex of his popularity in WWF, he was feuding with Hogan, but never got a chance to win the title. After that, he faded into the upper mid-card but remained one of the most popular wrestlers in the world and ensure that “Piper’s Pit” would have more than its fair share of classic unforgettable moments. As his WWF career sputtered out, he jumped to WCW and back into a feud with a now-heel (and then champion) Hollywood Hogan and the NWO, which Piper’s highest point came from a submission victory in a NON-TITLE match in 1996. Yep - NON-title. That’s because Hogan was going to lose. If his “politicking” kept Piper down in WWF, it pretty much kicked him in the nuts when he got to WCW. Speaking of WCW, here’s a fun fact: Piper never won the WCW Heavyweight Title, but he is featured as the champion in WCW’s Nintendo 64 game “WCW Revenge”. In the electronic world, Piper is recognized for his achievements. But in the “real” world, Piper’s career would come to a close with no world championship reign to his credit - the greatest wrestler ever never to do so. God damn Ego-Mania, brother….

As always, feedback is appreciated. Especially if you agree and want to tell me so.

11. Big Show - I Love Threesomes

Just on the simple fact that the Big Show gets to be the only guy ever to hold all three of those belts (despite the obvious and very large ASTERISK next to the ECW title). Being that the back says “I Love Threesomes”, it isn’t the worst shirt they’ve ever printed, but then if you picture the Big Show in that sumo diaper walking to a bed with three oiled-up title belts waiting for him it most definitely changes that thought. I know I didn’t have to go there, but it’s too late.

10. Carlito - Eat Spit

I blame this shirt for turning Carlito into a complete turd. With the apple shirt, everything was fine - he got this damn orange one, he started the TrishTorrie angle, has blown more spots than a Scott Steiner match, and went from being a strong heel to just another meh-tastic face on Raw - his heelish ways were once so strong that he got to interrupt RODDY PIPER and STEVE AUSTIN at WM 21. So basically, don’t ever wear this shirt, unless you want to become robo-ordinary.

9. John Cena - 5 Questions

I’ve only got one - what the fuck? I have no idea what this is all about - something do to with a segment that Cena was doing on WWE.com. Whatever - if you feel the need to own a John Cena shirt, this one probably won’t be your first choice. I seriously got nothing. I’ve never seen ANYONE in the crowd with this thing on. And it’s a CENA shirt!!

8. Kane - Burn In Hell

I’m unsure, but I think I’m supposed to see this shirt and be maybe just a tiny bit intimidated, cause he’s a red monster and all who manipulates fire. Not even Photoshop can make Glen (I’ve decided Kane will be referred to as “Glen” as long as he has no mask on) look even a tiny bit intimidating. The look on his face just screams “They just told me to look menacing - I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”. Every time Kane tries to act like a “monster”, it just looks like he’s totally forcing it, as if to tell us that he KNOWS he can’t be intimidating, but his paycheck is forcing him to be. I HATE the fact that we’re still supposed to buy in to the fact that he’s evil when they took everything that looked evil away from him - they wanted us to buy him as a human when he looked like a monster, and now that things are switched they want it back the other way - GRRRRRRRRRRRR. This shirt reminds me of all of that HATE, so damn IT and Glen to Hell. Maybe then he’ll REALLY get burned and come back with a mask.

7. Batista - I Walk Alone

You can’t even make this guy interesting on a t-shirt. “I Walk Alone?” They just threw that shit on there from the theme song = LAME. They’re trying so hard to market this guy, but strangely enough are having a hell of a time coming up with anything marketable about him as far as merchandise goes. Usually in WWE, that means that you lose your push if you can’t move merch…but we get the opposite with big Dave - we just get stupid merch. This shirt makes the list merely because of the fact that it’s a lame effort - NONE of him is really marketable, so let’s just slap his picture on the shirt. Can’t go wrong with that…

6. John Cena - Chain Gang Battalion

I’m so god damn tired of seeing this shirt. It’s stupid - it’s something the little kiddies wear, which is the only fanbase WWE can count on to cheer Cena consistently. With the HUGE number of cool shirts this dude has had over the years, this dumb shirt is the one that rucks fules and because it’s selling so well it keeps that championship firmly around his waist hoisted high over his head. It reminds me of those retarded “Big Dogs Have Bigger Bones” type shirts that you see all the Wal-Mart shoppers wear. That and shirts with shit like a ganstered-out Tweety Bird. Oh yeah, and I saw this shirt at Hot Topic. That merits a place on this list alone.

5. D-Generation-X - Cross

I’m not against anyone believing in whatever they want…HBK’s newfound faith brought him back to the ring after the back injury and keeps him going strong STILL after he retired after Wrestlemania 14. However - when D-Generation X becomes D-Generation Christ, I have a bit of an issue. You’d be hard-pressed to find a wrestling fan that wasn’t into DX at least in some respect back in the day. Shawn - your own t-shirts are bad enough, with bible-ish quotes and religious symbolism. It’s a big part of your life. Seriously, though - we’re slapping a CROSS on a DX shirt - those two words aren’t “Kneel” and “Pray”. Those two words are “suck it”, implying a sexual act involving a wiener and a mouth. Not exactly endorsed by the Bible, but endorsed by DX as its only real slogan. Whatever. Screw this shirt. Seeing as how DX is one member now anyway, and that one member is Captain Righteous, I guess this shirt fits perfect for him. Next thing we’re going to see is HBK having CROSS pyros instead of “X” pyros. Exit DX - enter D+. Break it down…..

4. McMahon

Do I need to tell anyone why this shirt sucks?

3. Ron Simmons - Damn

Please don’t ever buy or wear this shirt, people. All you’re doing is proving to the WWE that they can crank out a shirt with ANYTHING on it and it will sell. Prove them wrong. Buy shirts of the wrestlers you like. Make them stop cranking out shit like this. Don’t get me wrong - this is NO slam on ol’ Faarooq. It is a slam on what the WWE will paint up and treat like it’s the greatest recurring joke in the history of television. You TOO can own the fantastic DAMN shirt, where it will tell every DAMN person that reads it how you don’t give a DAMN how they feel, nor do you want to hear them tell you any DAMN thing. See? It’s a fuckin’ bucket of yuks, isn’t it? Just don’t let them make shirt of everything.

2. Batista - Good Guys do Bad Things

Yeah. Like stink up Smackdown. Fuckin’ lame attempted catchphrases - here’s a hint. He can’t crap one out, he doesn’t get one. period. Another Batista shirt on here…if they’d stop sucking I’d stop having to include them. What are some of the bad things Batista’s done? Well, as a heel, he helped electrocute Goldust. He hung out with HHH for awhile, which I guess is a bad thing. Wait - here’s one. He’s the only guy EVER to get to go over Triple H THREE straight times and still was unable to use that momentum to propel himself into stardom. He’s just damn lucky he got injured so he could get the “he’s coming back” injury heat.

1. DX - Vince Likes Chicken

It was the second I saw this shirt that I knew DX ‘06 was going to suck ‘0DICKS. Ha ha ha Vince likes chicken, another name of which is “cock”, which is another way to say “dick” - Vince is GAY!! So why doesn’t he print a shirt with his fucking logo ALL over it telling the world about his newfound relationship with wiener, even though it’s just a juvenile joke by those DAMN Degenerates…..If I could get my hands on them I’d MAKE THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL. Maybe you should just stop printing their jokes on t-shirts, Vince. I’m surprised that HBK would be okay endorsing this shirt as he belly-chopped his way through this frustrating angle. SIDE NOTE - I’m officially coining a phrase right now: “Belly-chopping” - verb - to allow ones personal beliefs to get in the way of successfully completing a task or mission. Can also be used as a noun - “Belly-chopper”. In a sentence - “We we going to take Rob to see that new gory movie, but ever since he started going to church with his girlfriend he’s become a total belly-chopper and doesn’t like violence anymore.”

SCREW THIS SHIRT (Hell, screw them all - just spooge on the last one…..)

And that’s that.

As always, feedback is appreciated.