Mar 6, 2007

Tonight’s show has a special guest of Stone Cold Steve Austin….and tonight’s musical guest will be, uhhh…Snitsky? I’m just trying to make things interesting for myself while I take notes, since Vince opens the show and I’m already bored.

Unless you’re a corpse, you know what McMahon is going on about in the ring. He mentions that Lashley wants to apologize to Vince. He also mentions something about a hair match thing they’re doing at Wrestlemania? Anyway - I’m going to make this more fun.

McMahon promo DRINKING GAME!! Take a shot every time Vince says “Trump”. You will be straight CRUNKED after this one, people, as he said it 10 times in about 5 minutes - ECW might be more watchable this way.

Oh, back to the ring. Lashley comes out, Vince shows footage of the “billionaire bitch slap”, kindly asks if we want to see it again, to which I reply “no thank you, asshole”, Lashley pretends to apologize but instead squeezes his hand and tells McMahon that if he touches him again he’ll break him in half. Wouldn’t that be a sight?

BTW it’s 10:12 once this segment wraps up. We’ve just burned almost a third of our TV time on this.

Oh, and nothing says EXTREME like Ashley’s tits. EXTREME-ly plastic, that is. L O L.

Hey, it’s our first match!

Hardcore Holly vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: Bob

23Log’s ranking:  (half-skull if I could, but I don’t want to make a special image just for this)

This match was shit, then the band shows up (Snitsky) and it becomes shit after shit. There was like three moves in this match, then Snitsky showed up to do a run-in and the total didn’t change.

Backstage with CM Punk, who talks about going to Wrestlemania before Elijah Burke tries to recruit him to the New Breed. RVD shows up, tells Burke he can’t even spell ECW (Neither can Vince - see the graphic above), and that Punk knows what ECW is all about. Nothing else happens.

Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke - winner: RVD

23Log’s ranking:

After seeing a close up, Burke’s braids are very….complicated. Like some kind of maze. Some stuff in this match included some chain wrestling from Burke, a post-commercial chinlock (which is becoming a bit ridiculous), and a really cool double running knee to the turnbuckle from Mr. New Breed. RVD gets the clean pin with the Five Star. Wow - they let him win one. Pretty OK match.
After the match, Dreamer challenges the New Breed to an eight man tag with the ECW Originals at Wrestlemania. Ok.

Nick Bockwinkel is next in the Hall of Fame. Yay Nick Bockwinkel.

Now we get Extreme Expose - where’s the flaming thumbtack tables?? They had guns for their little show this week. Too bad they weren’t loaded and aimed at each other

Mick Foley will be at ECW next week - set your VCRs. Maybe he’ll mention his new book.

Our main event: we don’t have one. We do have Steve Austin, though, so I’ll let it slide this week. Same ol’ Stone Cold for the entrance, except he actually drinks one of the beers this time instead of wearing all of them. He gets on the mic and pretty much just puts over the Billionaire Battle, but in typical Austin fashion, getting the crowd involved and all in all making everyone really miss the guy.

He then mentions something about if anyone gets in Stone Cold’s way - BOOM! Stunner! Lights out! It is at this EXACT point that my cable takes a huge dump and BOOM! Stunner! Lights Out! I get a black screen. Apparently my cable got the Stone Cold Stunner. I’m guessing it ended how every Austin promo does, with the bottom line and beers. When it finally came back on, we were fading out with him pouring beers on himself, so I think I was right.

Best part of the show: Stone Cold.

Who pissed me off this week: Vince and too much show time focusing on the Trump match, and no where near enough wrestling. ONE decent match this week. Grrrr.

Feb 27, 2007

Yay! Tonight starts promising with a hanging steel cage and KENNEDY!!!!!! For a second we thought he’d been sent to ECW to die, but it’s just a Money In The Bank qualifying match. Thank god (for him, not us). By the way, this one is under EXTREME RULES!!! They really just toss that wherever they want, don’t they?

Mr. Kennedy vs. Sabu - winner: Mr. Kennedy……..Kennedy

23Log’s ranking:

BTW, tonight’s main event is Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly in the cage. What does Holly keep doing to earn title shots? The same thing Test was doing to earn them - SUCKING ASS.

Speaking of Vince - he’s here now. Don’t forget what it’s all REALLY about.

Now 5 of the 8 for the Money In The Bank are set. Guess they’re going to have to make 8 wrestlers in the ring at once for next years Smackdown vs. Raw game.

Next up is another “Originals” vs. “Not at alls” match.

Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: Snitsky

23Log’s ranking: 

Balls did hit a nice top-rope legdrop in this match. It might have been because he was shaven. We saw shaved Balls….uh huh huh… The joke had to be made.

Backstage to more Vince, who tells us that if Lashley doesn’t beat Hardcore Holly in the steel cage in less than five minutes, he automatically loses the belt, which now guarantees that we’ll see a bullshit main event. I can’t wait.

Tag team match: Kevin Thorn & Marcus Cor Von Monty Brown vs. Dreamer & RVD - winners: Not ECW, that’s for sure.

Gangrel the Sequel gets the pinfall on RVD after Elijah Burke interferes & crotches Van Dam on the top rope, leading to a move that has apparently been named “The Dark Kiss” - pulled right from the pages of “How To Be A Goth”. I guess that’s better than what they’ve dubbed the “Pounce” for the Alpha Male: “a running modified shoulder spear tackle, Joey!!” Side note: Sandman spanked Ariel with the cane.

I love ECW. I also love pretending to shoot myself in the face.

Bob Holly is backstage and declares that no one alive can beat him in five minutes. Everyone’s laughing but him.

CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards - winner: Punk

23Log’s ranking:

Trump/Vince package. Suck my package.

Jerry Lawler’s going to the Hall Of Fame. I don’t feel like commenting.

Before our five-minute main event we get EXTREME EXPOSE. Someone needs to put an upside down table in the ring and powerbomb all three of these chicks on it.

Now we’re finally ready for the match and they show the cage lowering. Can’t shit like that be done during the fucking commercials? Wow. Pulleys and fucking chains working together. Time for our awesome five-minute match.

Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (in a CAGE!!!) - winner - who the fuck else?

23Log’s ranking:

The end of the show was pretty cool as we saw Lashley take out the wall of the cage by diving over the ropes into the fence, which broke on top of Umaga. Look like it hurt, but strangely enough there were NO “ECW! ECW! ECW!” chants….congratulations, McMahon. You killed it.

Best part of the show: Bob Holly saying he couldn’t be beaten in 5 minutes and then losing.

Who pissed me off this week: Non-ECW people beating real ECW people. Bullshit.

Later, bitches!

Show begins with a graphic “In Memory of Mike Alfonso aka “Mike Awesome”. He will be missed; maybe Styles will let up on the guy now that he HUNG himself…

As usual, we start with Joey & Tazz - enter the NEW BREED. The strangest foursome ever. Elijah Burke mentions that they’ve chosen one of their guys to beat any of the “Originals”. Naturally they pick the shittiest wrestler in Kevin Thorn. The originals come out (Sabu, Dreamer, Sandman, RVD - they’re castrated this week; no “Balls”) and they chose the best wrestler of them in RVD. Goody.

Rob Van Dam vs. Kevin Thorn - winner: RVD

23Log’s ranking:

23Log’s ranking:

3. This now makes 3 teams in WWE based solely around cultural stereotypes. McMahon rules.

La Resistance vs. Los Luchas - winners: who the hell do you think?

Lashley vs. Holly vs. Kennedy - ECW World Title - winner: the only guy that ever wins when Lashley wrestles.

23Log’s ranking:

Apparently this match was no-DQ. This was never mentioned once during the telecast, and I rewound the bitch and checked. Whatever - at least there won’t be a bullshit ending involving a DQ; just a bullshit ending period. Nothing special at all in this match. Kennedy goes to hit Bobby with a chair, but goofs and hits just plain Bob. Lashley hits one of his four finisher and that’s that. ECW ends how it has ended since Black Lesnar showed up on Tuesday nights.

Best part of the show: Nitro’s flippy twisty kick was way cool. And I hate Johnny Nitro, so this is pretty big.

Who pissed me off this week: La Resistance. Just because they were there.