May 15, 2007

Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite televised dark show! ECW!

We open with Vince on the tron live from somewhere other than the arena. The only good thing to come of this is the fact that he’s NOT HERE. Why doesn’t he tell us about SABU and how there are mysteriously only 3 originals now? It has begun.

Tonight’s show apparently just says fuck your own entranceway as we are using the Smackdown set tonight. These really are televised dark matches now. It’s the third hour of Raw and the first hour of Smackdown. Boy am I lucky - especially considering what’s next:

Snitsky vs. RVD: winner - RVD (but by DQ, so don’t get too fucking excited)

23Log’s Ranking: Fuck Snitsky rule in full effect. Not even RVD could save this one. It’s like watching Kane part 2. RVD just went through his spots until he frustrated Snitsky, who then just grabbed a chair and hit RVD with it, earning the DQ. ECW. ECW. ECW.

Now we get a CM Punk promo like he just showed up, which makes sense if ECW’s just an extended part of Smackdown now too - apparently he’s up next.

CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards - winner: CM Punk (to make it FIVE AND ZERO over Richards)

23Log’s Ranking:and a half if I were doing such a scale. MAN, is Richards still on the payroll only to be a wrestling dummy for Punk? I’d say its a best of lifetime series, but Punk kind of has the upper hand from the get-go on that one. There was some good psychology in this match with Richards playing the heel working the ribs that were POOOOUUUUNNNNCCCCCED last week. Richards also bumped the rating a whole skull by doing a Low Ki stomp on Punk. It was definitely a better match than most of theirs.

New Breed backstage talking about the 3 on 1 against Lashley. Burke mentions something about smelling a stink on Striker after he lost last week. That’s funny - I just smell the same old shit.

Kevin Thorn vs. Little Guido (who is again Nunzio because we’re trying to KILL ECW, not remember it!)- winner: Thorn.

23Log’s Ranking:

This match was apparently supossed to feature Sabu doing the J-O-B, but like a true hero he said fuck all that. Here’s what happened as a result of that. So, just like when you no-show for work at McD’s, they call in a replacement to do your job. Enter Little Nunzio. He looked pretty good in this match, but not enough to escape the inevitable one skull.

Hey, look more shitty wannabe stripper dancing. God I hate this wasting of the small amount of time. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have a roster. Apparently they brought sexy back this week - I missed it because I was making a fucking quesadilla. Want a recap, go to WWE.com and click through the cocktease pictures.

Ah, good. It’s time for our main event. I have better things to do than watch this crap any longer. Like pretty much everything else ever.

Bobby Lashley vs. New Breed (Burke, Alpha Male, Striker) - winner: Lashley

23Log’s Ranking:It was one, but Alpha Male helped it go to two (see below).

This match wasn’t near as bad as it should have been. Lashley looked pretty impressive throwing around the smaller guys, and I got to see Alpha Male actually POOOOOOOUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNCE his ass. I bet Lashley felt right at home walking down the Smackdown ramp again. This one ended when Alpha Male tagged Striker in, and he and Elijah just pretty much left the teacher in the ring to die after a one-armed spinebuster and a spear. I was totally expecting a run-in or some other bullshit ending, but was actually surprised that it ended with the New Breed doing the screwing on one of their own.

And that’s that for this week. I just hope that eventually we have a fucking title on this show that not only STAYS on the show, but is actually DEFENDED on the show by and against people who WRESTLE on the show. Is that too god damn much to ask for?

Best part of the show: I liked the POOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUNCE on Lashley. We need more of that. More POOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUNCES.

What pissed me off this week: Not Snitsky, not McMahon as champ, but the fact that one of my favorites is canned now. What the fuck is an ECW without Sabu? An ECW that is a dark show for Smackdown, that’s what. Damn it.

May 8, 2007

Welcome to ECW. Where Vince rules. And sucks. We begin today’s show with Lashley (wearing chick looking sunglasses) arriving at the arena, where his is approached by Armando Estrada and fake cops. He tells Lashley that tonight he can’t stay at the arena and can’t touch Estrada or he’ll be arrested. Bobby responds by pushing Estrada’s wheelchair down a ramp into some garbage, then willingly goes to jail. At least that’s the last I’ll see of him tonight, but I have a feeling it’s only going to suck worse….

Not YET, however, as our first match has some promise:

CM Punk vs. MONTY BROWN - winner: Alpha Male

23Log’s Ranking: Nothing special, but a good match all around. Alpha Male looked more comfortable in the ring this week.

We’ve got ROH vs. TNA here as Monty works the match with standard big man/little man offense, working on the back while Punk sells it like AJ Styles. It doesn’t end clean, however, as Burke kicks Punk in the ribs while he’s on the outside, leading to a bad ass looking POOOOOOUUUUUUUUNNNNNNCCE. Thank god they finally let it be called the Pounce. It was starting to get really stupid. They also announced Punk vs. Burke at Judgement Day.

Speaking of announcing, ECW completely spoils Smackdown (since no one watches it anyway, apparently) and informs us that Edge cashed in the case on the tapings and won the World Heavyweight Championship. Thanks.

Fucking great….

Snitsky vs. Sandman - winner: Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking:             I’m fucking DONE with Snitsky.

We see a 5-time former ECW World Champion completely crushed by this fucker. Like about a minute crushed. We see him bash HIMSELF in the face with beer cans, but a fucking wrestling boot to the forehead puts him down like Steven Segal snapped his neck or some shit. All I can hope for is that Snitsky goes after Vince, and that the ring bursts into flames during that match.

SPEAKING of Vince, he’s backstage with Umaga and Shane, where we find out that RVD will be facing him, Umaga, and Shane tonight in a 3 on 1 handicap match for NO championship. What again was RVD beating up his friends to earn last week? Apparently the right to be jobbed the fuck out by the chairman since he’s leaving the company. I wonder why he’d want to leave?

We continue the most NOT ECW series of segments OF ALL TIME with Extreme Pointless Dancing Bitches. Tits, Vince, and Snitsky = ratings. Right? You guys only have an hour - why again are we totally wasting it?

And SPEAKING of wasting time, we then get a bunch of fucking recaps - from Vince winning the title at Backlash, to Vince’s run-in with Lashley on Raw, then to Lashley’s run in with the pigs from earlier.

Ah, a match! A pointless match!

Elijah Burke vs. Brian Major (of the well known team the Major Brothers) - winner: Burke

23Log’s Ranking:Just like any other jobber vs. superstar match; the jobber gets a tiny shred of hope in before being finished off - in this case it was from the Stroke (or whatever the fuck he calls it).

This whole match was to show Striker in front of Striker what a douchebag Striker is for losing to these jobbers last week. I guess it was a success.

Oh, goody - here comes our shit pile main event.

RVD vs. Umaga, Vince, and Shane - winner: fucking guess (with Vince, of course, getting the pin)

23Log’s Ranking: ………(speechless)

For some reason, this match started out with Shane McMahon actually hanging with RVD in the ring, then RVD finally comes back, but then Umaga jumps in and despite some effort from RVD, he gets owned. Owned by the belly, ass, and thumb of Umaga, leading to the pinfall victory after the champ tags himself in. It took twice, however, as Vince couldn’t even pin him right the first time - say hello to your champion. Seriously - fuck this ego trip bullshit. And fuck Vince’s burglar look too. Hell, fuck it all.

Best part of the show: We’ll just go with the POUNCE. Period.

What pissed me off this week: Fucking guess again. 

April 24, 2007

European fun continues with ECW is UK this time. I’ve always wanted to go to England, but not on this night, as we open the show with fucking Umaga and fucking Lashley in what I’m sure will be completely pointless. At least he’s wrestling on his own show…

Umaga vs. Lashley - winner: Lashley

23Log’s Ranking: Stupid ass ending….only fitting to  stupid ass match in a stupid ass feud, though.

….as he wins by DQ - he and the asphalt headed Samoan brawl for a bit (with the crowd being very pro-Lashley - they don’t know better), then Armando Estrada decides he wants to play with the big boys. It’s around this time that Vince comes out and calls off Umaga, while Estrada gets completely owned by a weak-looking spear that apparently “nearly cut him in half”, if you ask Styles. No, a katana would nearly cut you in half. A football tackle will merely sweep you off your feet. Either way, the whole thing ends with Estrada being hilariously thrown high and hard over the top rope to the outside.

Now it’s backstage with the New Breed - Burke’s not too cool with Punk challenging his authority, but the other guys seem to be cool with it. That’s cause they’re all tools. Even YOU, Mr. COR VON. You shoulda stayed in TNA - your role is now filled by Scott Steiner….

There might have been something before this, but to be honest I was flipping between this and playing N64 No Mercy…

Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: Not Balls

23Log’s Ranking: Only for Balls’ Type O Negative shirt.

Snitsky’s teeth this week looked rotted out - in case everything about him wasn’t hideous enough. Same Snitsky bullshit, though, as he no-sells pretty much everything Balls did, then hits the stupid boot. If this guy’s such a fucking powerful tank, why doesn’t HE go after the damn belt? I just can’t imagine anyone caring about this fucker.

More promo with the New Breed as Punk is trying to fire up the troops, much to Burke’s disapproval. This better be going somewhere….

Then we get the worst transition I can remember in a long time as Styles goes from talking about Winston Churchill to talking about Umaga. Wow.

We’re just going to skip RIGHT to the main event after that one.

ECW Originals vs. New Breed - 8 man elimination tag - winner: Originals (RVD final member)

23Log’s Ranking: But let me clarify - one extra skull was for a spot before the first elimination - Burke and Dreamer started the match off, and Dreamer looked like he really socked the shit out of Elijah right in the cheek-neck area. It looked pretty real to me…same old match otherwise. AGAIN. I guess that’s what happens when you have a fifteen person roster. At least it was better than the other two combined. 

Before the match, there’s debate as to who is going to be on the New Breed team - Burke finally tells Punk to take a seat and watch. Oooohhh….tension in the ranks. So it’s Burke, Alpha Male, Thorn, and Striker vs. Sabu, Dreamer, Sandman, and RVD. Here’s how it goes down:

First elimination is Sandman after he whiffs the “Rolling Rock” and gets rolled up by Striker.

Second out is the teacher after a sunset flip powerbomb and split-leg moonsault by RVD. Like anyone else in there could do that…

Number three is Sabu, after Alpha Male hits what they FINALLY fucking call the POUNCE! PERIOD. Now doesn’t that sound a lot god damn better than “misdirectional shoulder tackle” or whatever the fuck they were saying?

Number four is the Alpha Male, who gets himself DQed after crotching RVD on the guardrail intentionally, which apparently is illegal NOW, but wasn’t when they did it to RVD earlier. Big ass question mark on this one - ? ECW….ECW…ECW….

Fifth out is the vampire, who feels the wrath of the mighty Tommy Dreamer DDT. Sho nuff.

RIGHT after this, Burke comes in with the running knee blast thing to the turnbuckle and takes care of Dreamer.

Now it’s down to RVD/Burke (gee, never seen this one before….*coughLASTWEEKcough*), which leads to a spot where Burke is wheel-kicked by RVD to the outside, which is followed by the referee stopping RVD from jumping on him to the outside. WTF? Apparently, he didn’t want that to happen because he KNEW that CM Punk, sitting at ringside, would jump up and kick Elijah in the back of the head, leading to the ***** frog splash and the win for ECW.

After the match, Punk jumps in the ring, nails Elijah with the GTS, then tells him he’s sorry. Ok - at least it IS going somewhere. I’ll give it that.

That’s where they leave us this week.

Best part of the show: I have to say I was most entertained by the tossing of Armando Estrada to the floor. Sad, huh?

What pissed me off this week: Shitty same matches week in and week out. Damn it.

23Log’s ECW: the Re-CRAP

April 10, 2007

We begin today with the least extreme thing possible - Vince McMahon. He does have some good news for us - Lashley will not be here tonight. Why, you ask? He does us the favor of showing us the beatdown from Raw, then drops the mother of all knowledge: Shane McMahon is the greatest superstar in the history of the WWE. You have officially made my life suck, Vince - and I was having such a good day. Just for that, I’m not recapping anything more that you have to say.

CM Punk is backstage with RVD and Elijah Burke being the center of the tug-o-war again. Thank God - he tells us that he’ll finally make a decision on which side to join later tonight. What’s wrong with NO side, man???

First match of the night - sorta yay!!

Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn - winner: Thorn

23Log’s Ranking: One very BLAH skull…

Thorn wins with the “Dark Kiss” thing again. I really tried to care, but I just don’t….I’m sorry.

From here, we go to the Extreme Cheerleaders applying their makeup in the mirror, when Snitsky walks in and just stares at them. If someone was going to throw a thermal detonator anywhere at any point, THIS is the room and the time is NOW. ECW would automatically stop sucking so much….they flee in fear, Snitsky’s ugly. That’s that.

Preview for the Condmened movie. No point in saying anything else.

CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards - winner: Punk

23Log’s Ranking: AGAIN, I’ve seen this one before - fairly recently, as I recall….

This one had a tiny difference, however - Sandman & Striker were at ringside “scouting” - there ARE monitors in the back, you know…but they just HAD to get involved as Sandman nearly costs Punk the match by swinging the cane sideways at Striker (that’s his first mistake) and hitting Punk in the ass-thigh instead. He still wins off a rollup, making Punk’s all-time record against Richards (I believe) 4-0. Clean sweep. Fucking rematches…this is what happens when you don’t have a roster.

Yippie it’s dance time - I played Tekken instead. After I got my ass kicked by Heihachi, I switched it back to find Snitsky stalking over Layla, who apparently forgot that there is, in fact, a space under the bottom rope by which to escape (just like her two friends did - and here I thought Kelly Kelly was the retarded one…). Her caveman in shining, uh, leather shows up with a steel chair, but Balls Mahoney can’t even phase the Big Ugly with a chairshot. We then find out that the boot is mightier than the steel. Fuck Snitsky. I repeat - fuck Snitsky.

In case you care, the little broad does escape - if I ever was rooting for Snitsky…

We gear up for our main event, which is:

MONTY BROWN (w/ Elijah Burke) vs. Rob Van Dam (w/Sabu) - winner: Alpha Male

23Log’s Ranking: Only because it was better than the first two, but that’s not really saying too much…

This match was kind of slow moving & sleepy, but not terrible. It’s fairly back & forth the whole time with RVD getting his RVD spots in, but MONTY BROWN keeping him grounded - at least until he hit him with one of those overhead suplexes where the guy basically moonsaults himself onto his own face. Good spot. Match ends when Burke attacks Sabu, gets RVD’s attention, and totally baits him for the JUST CALL IT THE POUNCE, ALREADY, leading to the 1-2-3 from Alpha Male.

Nothing interesting happens until CM Punk comes down to help Sabu & RVD (seemingly), then jumps in the ring to fight the New Breed (seemingly)…then he shakes their hands and joins. Punk’s officially turns heel, tipping the balance of heels and faces on ECW to a ridiculous level. Maybe they figure that Lashley will offset everyone….either way, at least this was interesting, but I’m worried that Punk’s just another face in a gang as a heel, instead of a semi-interesting character that he was as a face. I’d like to think they won’t fuck it up, but they probably will….

That’s where it ends - with the whole New Breed celebrating like Punk just hit the game winner or something….

Best part of the show: Punk’s heel turn. Again, it was different - and different is good. But again, I do question the logic behind this, as CM was the only guy other than RVD that was just naturally over as a face. We’ll see..

What pissed me off this week: I STILL hate Snitsky, but I got McMahon too this week, so it’s a dead fucking tie here.

Yay! No more Wrestlemania should mean no more Vince/Lashley crap on ECW!

I’m wrong. Here comes Lashley first thing out - and he has a microphone. Uh oh. His promo’s not bad - it’s better than Great Khali, I guess - he basically just shows us footage from Raw of McMahon’s bald head. Oh, yeah - and no one can stop him. That makes for a pretty boring championship reign if no one can stop you…*coughCENAcough*…Someone really needed to run in on him.

First match of the night (after a promo for Austin’s damn movie):

CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards - winner: CM Punk

23Log’s Ranking: I’ve already seen this match - will not get higher than this for me.

Again with Richards jobbing to Punk? I’m nearly positive this is like the third time. Why don’t we, uh, try putting Punk in an actual STORYLINE? Just me. Punk’s got DDP style rib tape during this match (from MITB) and he sells it fairly well - to the point to where Richards isn’t totally squashed in this match. He is, however, hit with what Punk is now calling the G.T.S. - Go To Sleep. It was called the “fireman’s carry knee to the face, Joey..”, so GTS is a much better name.

Now backstage fun begins as we get RVD backstage with Timbaland (whatever) and more attempting to convince CM Punk to join the New Breed - this time from MONTY BROWN and Matt Striker. He’s either with them, or against them. HE’S AGAINST YOU. Just kick the shit out of him and give Punk something to do other than wrestle the same rejects each week.

Oooh - my favorite part. Extreme Expos-I changed the channel to watch Happy Gilmore. Adam Sandler’s more extreme than these bitches.

Speaking of bitches…
Hardcore Holly vs. Snitsky - winner: Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking: out of pity.

Kane the sequel wins with that boot that actually made Test’s boot look vicious. Trade one roided freak for another, I guess. After the match, Holly gets his arm smashed when Snitsky puts it between the stair pieces and smashes it with a chair. Maybe this means we’ll see less Bob Holly now…but then we’ll probably see more Snitsky. Thanks asshole.

Those chair shots reminded me of the old ECW (not WWECW) - I want to see at least 10 more in tonight’s EXTREME RULES 8-man tag team match. And at least one table. GO.

New Breed vs. ECW Originals - Extreme Rules match - winners: New Breed

23Log’s Ranking: Wow. I got my chair shots AND table spots. TWO!

This match was better (and more extreme) than anything I’ve seen on ECW in a grip. Spots left and right; including MONTY BROWN hitting an Alpha Bomb! Sabu/RVD hitting a double legdrop through a table! Kevin Thorn actually looking like he fucking belongs in ECW after taking Sabu throwing a chair at his face! Tommy Dreamer nailing his tree-of-woe dropkick-to-chair-to-grill! Sandman actually swinging the cane HARD for once! And, to top it all off, the running Elijah Burke knee blast to Sabu’s back, which drove his head through a table HARD for the win for the New Breed. We need more of this. Why wasn’t this the match on ECW? Oh yeah - it would have made Cena’s match look worse.

That’s the end.

Best part of the show: Lots of chairs and actual EXTREME stuff - it’s like they remembered that the “E” in “ECW” isn’t the same as the “E” in “WWE”.

What pissed me off this week: I still hate Snitsky. But at least it’s not McMahon.

23Log’s ECW: the Re-CRAP

Mar 27, 2007

ECW! ECW! We start this week with the terrific ECW intro video, which contains images of Bobby Lashley 10 god damn times. 10!! I COUNTED!

Just for that, I demand to see a two skull match at the beginning.

Elijah Burke vs. Rob Van Dam - winner: RVD

23Log’s Ranking:

I asked for two - I gave it three. This was a very good TV match - one very cool spot had Burke countering that silly back-bridge spot with a slam thingy. We also actually heard an “ECW” chant after RVD kicked Burke out of the ring, then hit a ropeflip legdrop to the outside. HA it’s not dead yet. Yet. We nearly lost our cool points when we came back from the commercial to find RVD in a chinlock, but got it back with some unique offense from Burke and the win for RVD after he countered the running knee blast and hit the *****.

Now it’s EXTREME EXPO-fuck it all, I changed the channel to watch Bill Engvall. I don’t even think he’s that funny, but at least he is what he says he is. Bitches.

Next match will be a squash because it’s

FUCKING Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: FUCKING Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking:      *not a typo*

Boot. Ugly. Balls got kicked.

More promos for the only match at Wrestlemania that matters, then backstage with the Money In The Bank guys, teasing the 8-man tag later, with Edge on the team with the Hardys. That shit’s not going down…

But before that, we get “final statements” from Vince & Lashley regarding the you know. Vince talks and talks and talks, while Lashley just sits there wearing what looks like a ripoff Goldberg shirt with a look on his face that says “Don’t this cracka ever shut up?”. Finally, after Vince wastes what felt like a half hour, Lashley calls him a bastard and a son of a bitch. Definitely not the worst Vince has been called, but I’ll go with it.

They’re going to give the 8-man tag some time it seems…

Kennedy, Finlay, Orton, Booker vs. Punk, Hardys, and Edge - winners: heels (Edge too)

 23Log’s ranking:

A lot happened here, but then again not much happened as this match did what we expected; tease the Money In The Bank. Basically, it was normal heels vs. faces tag team fare until Edge decides he wants to be Edge and after getting tagged in for the first time, he goes for a spear, then just leaves. While his partners (who shouldn’t be surprised at all) are bitching at him, things get clusterfucky and CM Punk winds up taking the rock on a stick from Finlay, then the Scissors Kick from the King. Edge leaves to an “Edge is gay” chant while the Hardys go get ladders and hit everyone with them.

That’s where we end it - a big tease with both Hardys holding the briefcase that was hanging over the ring the whole time for some reason.

Best part of the show: I can’t explain why, but I liked Edge and Burke this week. Wow. The matches were better this week too, but there were many fewer. Sometimes it’s better that way.

Who pissed me off this week: I should just call this the McMahon award, because I got real tired real quick watching him blow himself. Maybe he should try blowing himself UP instead.

Mar 20, 2007

I’m back this week. And there’s another dead guy.

ECW starts off with the most extreme thing imaginable - Chris Masters. He reminds me of a robot. I’m not sure why. The Robot cuts a promo and apparently our cable hates Masters as it starts to take a shit when they announce the main even of Lashley vs. Masters.

But that’s later. Now, its:

RVD and Sabu vs. MONTY BROWN and Kevin Thorn - winners: New Breed

23Log’s Ranking: Short, but not bad.

RVD/Sabu hit the 420 legdrop for my favorite spot of this match so far, but then we have INSTANT HEEL, just add CHINLOCK (and bake for thirty minutes) from Monty Brown. Not much more of the match than that as the man of many nicknames gets distracted from the outside by Thorn/Ariel, leading to an especially evil looking POOOOOOOUUUUUUNNCCCCCE (?) Nope. The CROSS BODY BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK. Feel it.

Yay, my favorite part of the show so far - God of War II commercial!!! I hope the commercials never end because they said up next it’s Snitsky.

Damn.

Snitsky vs. Mike JobberGuy - winner: fucking Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking: take the other  away. Damn you

This was literally a thirty second squash that ended on a stupid boot. Snitsky needs to lose an inferno match to himself..

Now who’s next in the hall of fame? The Sheik - hardcore pioneer who trained Sabu/RVD. Hell yeah.

Next on the match card, we get-

CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly - winner: CM Punk (thank GOD)

23Log’s Ranking: Was , then went to for Holly being the Instant Easy-Baked Hell and pulling out the chinlock, then to for the god damn interference.

Elijah Burke tried to recruit Punk to the New Breed by having Thorn interfere in this match, helping him win. Punk’s not having it.

Now we get the ECW chicks - nothing is more Extreme than this. Except maybe a DDT on tables. And everything else ever.

Another match! This is more matches than Raw!

Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke

23Log’s Ranking: Again short, but it had to be as they’re cramming 5 “matches” into an hour. This is more wrestling than TNA Impact has had in awhile. How sad is that?

Burke & Dreamer both came to the ring with Stryker & Sandman, respectively. Stryker really needs to put some god damn pants on. Burke wins it with the running Thai knee blast thing to the turnbuckle, which really didn’t look like it should have put a guy like Dreamer down, but that version of Dreamer is long dead.

Tazz is really annoying the shit out of me tonight. Asshole.

Now we get our main event

Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Masters - winner: Lashley

23Log’s Ranking:

The Robot and BlackBerg have a standard big slow ass dude match before Lashley dumps the last bit of dirt on the complete burial of Chris Masters with what wasn’t being called the Dominator but is now. The crowd was not into this match at all. I don’t blame them.

Weak show, just like all these shows are going to be going into Wrestlemania. But no Vince.

Best part of the show: The Sheik was the most hardcore thing that’s been on ECW in forever. And again no Vince.

Who pissed me off this week: There’s TWO. One is Tazz; Not for nu-SHUT UP TOOL!! Two is Masters; remember kids - needles equal pushes. Bet he goes down in a ball of flames for this whole steroid thing.