Fresh off the aftermath of Backlash-A-Mania…and our show tonight opens with a horrendous and disturbing image that can only be described as UGH.

Vince McMahon with the ECW Championship next to John Cena STILL in possession of the Abomination.

If there was ANYONE I didn’t want to see walk out of Backlash with gold, it was these fuckers. The ECW title officially comes out of the frying pan and into a fucking inferno - Lashley could handle Mr. Kennedy AND Randy Orton in a tables handicap match, but not ONE guy he’s beaten twice and two NON-wrestlers; one over the age of sixty. We bitch that he can’t ever lose that strap, so this is what we get. Gotta love the “E” - making shit suck harder so the other shit you thought sucked wasn’t all that bad so when we give it back to you you’ll shut the fuck up and like it. Fuck it all - I could keep ranting or just shut up, so I’m going to do the latter because him winning that belt speaks volumes for it’s fucking self. Sorry, that’s it.

Anyway, there’s some banter between the champions (double UGH!) - and for some reason Vince is acting like a black dude - until all is interrupted by one HBK. Shawn tells Cena that sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good (which could likely explain the last two plus years of Cena’s push). Vince, who is still standing there in all his extreme glory, decides to make ONE MORE MATCH between these two for tonight - one that, if HBK wins, he gets a title shot, meaning that would be their FOURTH match. This does two things: ensures that Cena will win regardless, and also ensures that last weeks great match is forgotten.

After the intro and boom-booms, we’re just getting right the fuck down to it:

EDGE vs. RANDY ORTON

This is the match that “didn’t have time to happen last week” - i.e. Orton decides to RKO the bleeding shit out of a hotel room, causing more damage than I thought a hotel room could possibly be worth and wasn’t even there to wrestle.

Edge comes out first followed by Captian Doghouse - we open with the classic staredown + slap business as the heel-fest kicks off with Orton in control early, hitting his stompy rain-dance and kneedrop followed by miscellaneous beatings and chokings. This leads to the commercial spot of Edge being knocked off the apron. Will Edge be able to bounce back? We’ll find out!

Obviously not yet, as Orton’s still piling on the ownage. Said ownage continues until Edge reaches for a handful of balls - least it appears that way - and yanks Randy into the pole. Better than just yanking Randy’s pole like it seemed when he reached….anyway, this leads to Edge quasi-Spearing Orton off the apron, where he actually bounces off the announce table.

This leads to a stall while we get the audio back up (instead of Edge following up with a killer beatdown), Orton gets back in the ring and falls victim to the stompy rain-dance and kneedrop from Edge - that’ll teach you to share your secrets, bitch. Edge now locks in a hold that I’m going to describe as a chinlock, but only if your chin was on your titty.

Orton fights out - gets wheelkicked for his efforts. Edge heads to the top rope, stopped by Orton, but Edge kicks him down and goes for some kind of move that, had he connected, would have caused no damage to anyone. Luckily for Randy, he’s able to counter this non-move with a dropkick. Both men down.

Both men up now. They begin trading blows (which is SO way past Rated R, that’s for sure….) before Orton hits the Bagshitter Backbreaker that I’m now renaming the RoomTrasher, then a powerslam for a 2 count. Edge counters with an Edge-A-somethingorother for a 2 of his own (Edge is like Sting for naming shit - Scorpion this, Edge that….). Crowd is very strangely pro-Orton as we lead to the silly-looking double cross-body spot; the double clothesline spot for them athletic types.

Edge is first up and takes the turnbuckle pad off, kicking of a heelish fucker series of many rollups with tight-pullage and pin attempts with rope assistance (somewhere in there Orton got busted open on a snake-eyes spot). Orton tries for an RKO out of nowhere, but it’s countered into the Impaler DDT (which only a few months ago was ALSO called the Edge-A-Something. GET IT STRAIGHT, PEOPLE!). Edge only gets a 2 count, so he goes for the mighty spear, which is mightily hurdled by Orton. We’re gearing up for another RKO, but Edge is ready with another spear - this one wins it for him. A shock to us all - Orton did the J-O-B.

WINNER: EDGE (NOW HAD HE BEEN A HOTEL ROOM….)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Good series of moves and counters at the end; for a split second I actually thought that Orton might have a chance.

OVERALL: Good match with as clean of an ending as one can expect from perpetual dickheads like Orton and Edge. They seemed to gel pretty well together - something Orton hasn’t been able to do with anyone lately. I’d have given it at least ONE thumb up, but Orton’s well-documented “incident” and the sub sequential slap-on-the-hand made the finish about as unpredictable as the end of a porn scene. Don’t you wish YOU were as untouchable as Randy Orton? Fuck Eliot Ness…

We get a package for the Cena/HBK rematch, which their touting as Cena/Michaels III. III, huh? It’d better not be like some other III’s, like Scary Movie III or Bloodsport III. Just because ONE of them was good doesn’t mean any to follow (or, in this case, precede) will be. Already I don’t care….

Up next - in case you forgot where the hell the IC title went, here come the reminder…

…as Re-Todd is sitting down with the IC champion Santino Marella - it’s his first interview, but let’s show you how we got here…..ok, we’re done - what do you have to say? He’s very proud and people are very proud of him. Next week is his first title defense, and he’s nervous, but he wants to keep living the dream. That’s it. I won’t start shitting on this yet because it’s the most interesting thing to happen to the IC title since Nitro was wearing it like a big floppy belt-shaped wang. And THAT, amigos, is both sad and fucked.

We then see RVD’s comments about Vince winning the ECW title - more or less saying what everyone thinks: he’s officially killed the spirit of ECW. Fuck killed it - mutilated, burned, and raped the ashes of it.

Backstage now with Vince, who refers to himself as the “King of Extreme”. I’m not even going to go there. He tells Shane to make sure that Umaga crushes RVD tonight for his comments, then they share a tender moment where they hug and Shane asks if he can hold the belt. Funny how NOW the fucking thing matters….and it’s not like Shane couldn’t just go get an ECW title made if he wanted one - hell, it’s pretty much what Vince did anyway.

MORE backstage bullshit, this time with Maria (wearing a shirt that would most definitely look better on my floor) who’s with a pissed-off Edge, who tells us he’s going to re-insert himself into the title picture because HE never lost last night and HBK keeps getting all the chances. And he’ll do this whether YOU like it or not, which means we can look forward to a run-in…

Back from break, we may have some wrestling. Cade/Murdoch are at ringside doing commentary, which means here comes the Hardys - one of them, anyway. The weird one. The “Charismatic Enigma” or whatever the fuck they used to call him “down south”.

JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO

Yay! Well, maybe. The seemingly forgotten Johnny Nitro returns to battle his former nemesis - a fact that none of the announcers even come close to playing up (I would later discover why).

Match opens with Jeff in control until, uh, Nitro is. Nitro goes RIGHT for the chinlock (because we shockingly DIDN’T see one earlier in the Edge/Orton match and all would be fucked in the land if Raw went off the air without one). Post-chinlock we go to punching from Nitro, then the SHHHHHHHHH in the Wind from Jeff (catch me!!!). Jeff follows up with a face-front suplex, Nitro bounces back with a reverse swinging neckbreaker, then goes up top. Hardy runs up there, backdrops him down, and hits the Swanton bomb for the win, all while Cade/Murdoch were doing nothing but talking praises for Jeff.

THIS is why they didn’t play up the feud - Nitro was going to be JOBBED the fuck out and it would be silly to remind people that these two were virtual equals for about 3 months. Not like I’d remember anyway; I watch Raw every week forgetting that the previous week usually pissed me off in some way.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Clean finish; no run-in from Cade/Murdoch - completely threw me off.

OVERALL: I’ve seen some terrific matches from these two. This one was not one of them; not even in the same plane of existence as them. Nitro lost WAY too quickly - it really wasn’t that long ago this same guy BEAT Jeff Hardy for the Intercontinental Title. Now he gets pretty much pwned for pretty much no reason. I guess being the IC champ a mere 5 months ago doesn’t mean shit - then again, this is the same title that we’re led to believe was won by a fucking FAN because no one cared enough to come out and challenge Umaga for it. Whatever…and fuck the “yay”, by the way.

Post match, Cade and Murdoch try to shake the hand of Jeff Hardy, but he’s all like no fucking way and leaves in all his fancy beard shaved and filthy colored hair glory.

Approaching Vince o’clock (which I’m now re-naming “McMahon o’clock”), here comes the money. Shane is out there to announce the entrance of Umaga, the Samoan Blowjob Machine (c’mon, how ELSE did a guy who got FIRED while his more-valued former tag partner get the awesome gimmick of a lackey to Shane fucking Helms get rehired with such a push to where he’s being announced to the ring by Shane McMahon and has a total of like 4 losses since? Blowjob machine, that’s how. And he knows all the what for about using that thumb…).

UMAGA vs. ROB VAN DAM

We start this match in progress, as we cut to break after the entrances. That’s the WWE microcosm right there: we televise Shane McMahon’s entrance, his breathtaking announcement of Umaga heading to the ring, and 3/4 of RVD’s entrance to the ring, but skip over the whole fucking start of the match - in a fucking nutshell, kids. Anyway, Umaga is, of course, in control. RVD squeezes a tiny flurry in, but is Samoan Dropped for his efforts. I wonder if, in Samoa, when people are carrying shit, they’re always carrying it across their backs instead of in their arms, so any time they drop their luggage or a basket of apricots or something, it causes them to tip over backwards instead of just hit the ground, hence the term?

Probably not at fucking all, actually.

Back to reality, RVD tries to slam Umaga, but is crushed under the weight of his push and his ass. This leads to more Umaga offense, but, alas, RVD finds a tiny chink in the armor and applies the EXTREME…(dun dun dun)…….CHAMPIONSHIP…………SSSSSSSSSSLEEPERHOLD. Nothing embodies extreme (or Rob Van Dam, for that matter) like the most boring fucking hold of all time. It’s called the SLEEPerhold. It doesn’t just apply to the dude getting sleepered.

But it seems to be working, as Umaga starts to fade. Then he decides he’s not fading any longer and dumps RVD to the floor. Umaga goes after him, RVD returns to the extreme sleeper. This one results in RVD getting ran into the stairs. May want to give up on the sleeper….RVD (complete with post-Five Star Frog Splash face) rolls back into the ring, gets headbutted, but avoids the running Ass of Doom.

This leads to an RVD comeback with some actual RVD offense (including some kicks, prompting another ridiculous JR “educated feet” reference - something about the right one being the valedictorian. Fucking A….”his feet are so educated, they have doctorates!” “Those feet have received multiple scholarships at various accredited universities around the nation” “Rob Van Dam’s feet are double-majoring in pain and swiftness!” Stupid.) , ending with a Rolling Thunder for all of a one count.

Ending = fucky as RVD now goes for the Five Star, but apparently Umaga grabs the throat of RVD (while still taking the frog splash full-on, but never mind that) and gets RIGHT up to THUMB the life right out of him - for three seconds, anyway.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: RVD didn’t get completely buried.

OVERALL:  Strangely, Shane McMahon did nothing at ringside. Another clean finish, plus the fact that it was RVD on Raw, saved this match from (ironically) two THUMBS down instead of just one. Otherwise, it was just like every other fucking Umaga match ever. And now that he’s a tool of the McMahons, the above score is likely the highest you’ll ever see from an Umaga match.

They tell us Cena/HBK III is up next…

….but first, we go backstage with FlairLito. Carlito apologies to Ric for last week and tells him that he got them a match against the Worlds Greatest Tag Team to prove that he’s a winner - because who would be easier to beat in a tag match than the fucking WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM? I am unsure when this match is to take place if our main event is next.

Ok. That’s why. There will BE no Cena/Michaels III (now if only there were no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III). HBK music plays and plays, until we see a backstage shot of HBK all beat down and KO’d. After commercial, a small crowd has gathered around Shawn trying to solve the mystery of who beat him down. Coach accuses Cena, who becomes my favorite wrestler for all of seven seconds when he throws Coach against the wall and he whimpers like a little bitch. Vince shows up and DEMANDS everyone discovers whodunit - the mystery is on!

HBK’s unexpected beatdown was SO unexpected and shocking and obviously NOT supposed to happen that they already had the tag match planned. Fucks.

FLAIRLITO vs. WGTT (ABBREVIATED AS TO NOT EMBARASS THE TEAM BY REMINDING THEM THAT THEY ARE SO NOT)

Flair/Haas start out. Flair does fine, then Carlito comes in and the heels take over. Carlito shows a burst of offense and nearly breaks his damn neck with a hurrincanrana, but after that the formula kicks into cruise control and the “frequent tag isolation heels both beat down face when face partner tries to make save” is what we get for the next few minutes on Carlito. Naturally, Carlito counters a move by Benjamin that hurts him too, and he drags his ass over to FINALLY make the hot tag to Flair. Carlito doesn’t leave the ring though….could this be it? Yep. From a mile away, El Gringo calls the heel turn as Carlito nails Flair with a clothesline. Ric, however, doesn’t just crumble in a heap and get left to be pinned by the WGTT. Nope - even the WORLD’S GREATEST team don’t get to clean this one up as Flair fights Carlito back all the way up the ramp, while Barbie looks on in horror. She’ll be fine - next couple weeks she’ll find a new stick to pogo and she can get back to work on that whore bingo card. Go for “another girl”. I guarantee it would be more interesting that “old man” or “Puerto Rican” or “son of Ric Flair” or “has-been cruiserweight” or “Japanese Buzzsaw” or…fuck it, you get my point.

WINNER: NO ONE (BUT MOST DEFINITELY NOT FLAIRLITO)

BEST PART OF MATCH: The only thing that mattered: Carlito’s long awaited return to the dark side. Now THAT’S fucking cool.

OVERALL: The actual match was nearly a carbon copy of their other one, only this time we don’t even get the courtesy of a finish here. I don’t know why they didn’t ring the bell and just give it to the WGTT - how bad did these guys fuck up so bad to not even be granted a count-out win over a team that was de-existing right in front of them? Other than the heel turn, it was blah-tastic.

Backstage, the trainers find EDGE beat the fuck down this time - who could be committing these heinous acts? It’s like a murder mystery, but without the blood or killing - but plenty of bodies lying around! Coach immediately assumes it’s Orton’s doing, so they set out on an Orton quest. Check the women’s locker room first.

Back from break and I am given quite a treat out of nowhere: KENNEDY!!! My favorite guy in all the WWE parades to the ring and gets on his mic to tell everyone right away that he didn’t take out Edge and HBK because he doesn’t need to do that to get a title shot - he’s got the Money in the Bank. He then teases the crowd by asking them if he wants him to cash it in tonight (*cheers*), then says nope (*you suck*). He responds to the “you suck” chants by saying “I don’t suck, because I have this.”. I love this guy. He then announces that, unlike Edge, he’s going to tell us the date he’s cashing the contract in: Wrestlemania 24. Smart fucking man. I’ve set my 50 bucks aside already. And that’s all he’s got to say……Kennedy…..

Suddenly, we go backstage, and ORTON is laid out now! It REALLY seems like some Scooby-Doo mystery shit now. Now it just has to end with Coach pulling off his face to reveal HHH….Zoiks, Scoob!!!

Coach is backstage now with Vince - he has no idea what’s going on, but Mr. McMahon does (imagine that) and he tells Coach to find Cena, as the guy responsible for this will confront him in the ring tonight. Oooooh - exciting.

And JUST when you thought 10:49 was too late for it….

DIVA-TABULAR TAG MATCH - THE VERY SAME ONE FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO

MILENA/VICTORIA vs. MICKIE/CANDICE (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT NOW FOUR TIMES THE POINTLESSNESS AS THIS IS THE EPIC REMATCH!)

A war of “Diva swimsuit shoots” vs. “You’ve seen our squish mittens” - naturally the ones you’ve seen in the nude are the faces. Match begins with Milena and Candice - back & forth girl-on-girl action complete with screaming and hair-pulling, and no where near as cool as I just made it sound.

Victoria eventually gets involved after Mickie gets the tag, smashing her against the apron before Milena gets the tag, who hits Mickie with a tree-of-woe leapfrog spot. Mickie finally makes the tag to Candice, who kind-of lands a kind-of headscissors before things get all cluster-fucky and cat-fightish, leading to Candice stealing a win with a small package on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDICE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: There wasn’t really anything particularly hot about this match, so if I HAVE to pick something, I’d say it was seeing Candice utilizing the small package - giving every one of you hope that one day, she’ll utilize YOUR small package also.

OVERALL: Same ol’ chicky-match bullshit. Very obviously just filler.

Cena’s heading to the ring for the non-existent main event looking like someone stole his lunch money.

After the final break, the music hits and Cena wastes NO time getting to the ring. No salute? You disrespectful fuck, you!

Cena Reaction Report: Loud, but high-pitched cheers.

Cena’s on the mic - someone is obviously trying to get his attention. As per usual, he’s right here and if you want some - come get some. He strips and gets ready for a fight, because he never backs down, y’know….and he’s waiting….still waiting…..and then it happens. The entranceway pukes and out comes my worst nightmare.

The Punjabi Pile himself - the Great Khali.

After I say “fuck” a few times, I look up from kicking my recliner to see the epic battle of no sell vs. no understand sell unfold - Khali is pretty much destroying Cena, while simultaneously doing something else impossible: he’s actually got the whole crowd universally cheering for John Cena. Success in one department, but oh, so many failures still remaining in the others. Cena does go for the F-U, fails, and gets the chokebomb, leading to an image that invokes such conflicting feelings within me that I’m afraid I may destroy myself: Khali standing with one foot on a completely owned John Cena holding the championship. And that’s what we end Raw on - fuck off with the lot of you.

Let the build towards the worst title match of all time begin.

OVERALL SHOW: This show had some high points; Edge/Orton’s solid match, Carlito finally growing a pair and turning heel, and the surprise appearance of Mr. Kennedy, but it also - putting it lightly - had some low points. Hence the “fuck you”. We just saw the biggest suck-pile in the WWE get put over the ENTIRE order of contendership (including the champion himself) while simultaneously having to process the fact that Vince McMahon is the ECW champion (which means the belt will be defended in ECW even LESS than before - what the fuck is the point again?). I can only hope for Cena’s unfuckwithable push and inability to lose will come out with full-on Marine guns a’blazin’ and this shit dies and goes away with a mighty FU before it has a chance to suck away any remaining desire to give any sort of fuck about the fate of the Spinner belt. Course, then again, if Khali wins, that means the Spinner might go the fuck away AND it would prove that Cena CAN lose that belt by him being pinned in a real match. What a fucked up position they’ve put me in. Damn you, assholes……DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!