May 7, 2007

Reviewage of Raw commencing; fresh off the news that Edge is the Savior of Smackdown, leaving me with the Great (at Sucking) Khali as our number one heel. Fuck yes, I say, fuck yes *stabs self with spork*

Speaking of fuck yes, the show opens with no pyro or music, but simply one John Cena - but WITHOUT the Abomination, as it was stolen by Khali last week. Don’t get too used to this sight, kids, as it’s merely an illusion to make you THINK he lost the belt. He didn’t. And he won’t. Ever.

Anyway, he comes out and tells us what I just told you, mentions something about a pool of blood that he was laying in last week (I don’t recall that at all), actually acknowledges that he’s been humiliated before by a section of people who boo him each week, and more or less, he wants the belt back. Who wouldn’t? It’s just so damn blinging. And shit.

Continuing the not-so-robo promo (this week anyway), Cena tells us that Khali is not like a man, he’s more like a chin that someone mutated by injecting it with a mixture of suck and blow. He didn’t say that. He DID say that he can hit him with his best shot and it won’t even phase him (who knew the key to beating the unbeatable was to simply choose to NOT be affected by the mightiest of blows?), and all those who oppose him are erased (I know of only ONE for sure…).

He then slightly boosts those Judgement Day buyrates by mentioning that it may be his execution, and is finally interrupted on the Tron by Khali with a translator, who screams something that could have been anything at all, but we’re told basically “Look what I can do! Here’s some video!”

Cue video.

More Khali shouting: apparently he WILL be the next WWE champ, and - he he he - If Cena wants some, come get some. Then, the whole “never back down never quit” thing takes over, and Cena heads backstage, only to get a garbage can to the face, chokebombed on a zamboni, and his neck squeezed until he turns red. AND Khali keeps ahold of the belt. That worked out well, jackass. He doesn’t care - he KNOWS he’s winning at the PPV now. Your time is up, my time is FOREVER. Word life.

It was at this point that I said I’d eat lint from my own ass if they didn’t show Khali beating down Cena after we got back from the first break, and I’ll be damned if my stomach is ASS LINT FREE, bitch.

JEFF HARDY vs. TREVOR MURDOCH

I actually tried to call this match and was finally wrong - I picked Charlie Haas. Either way, I get Attempted Redneck Destroyer vs. Attempted Self Destroyer. Jeff opens in control, but we get back and forth offense and a good opening exchange. Murdoch does a good job keeping the stereotype alive with the Taz tattoo, but not a good job avoiding a Jeff Hardy suicide dive to the outside.

This leads us to a turnbuckle spot, where Jeff actually misses his hold-the-ropes-and-kick-you-with-much-force-in-the-face kick. Murdoch goes RIGHT to the chinlock (despite their actions as of late, they’re still heels - PROOF), until the counter and the MISSper in the Wind (he totally fucking airballed this one). Jeff goes back up to what JR calls “No Man’s Land”. Yeah - no man’s land; well no man except for Rob Van Dam, Jimmy Snuka, Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, etc. Other than them, no fucking man goes there. From this land of no man, Jeff attempts the Swanton, but it is countered with the ever-painful knee pull-up. Murdoch, however, enforcing another stereotype of the dumb redneck fuck, argues with the referee instead of following up, allowing Jeff to get the rollup win.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Neither of them blew any big spots, so we were able to see a clean one.

OVERALL: Decent TV match, but nothing I haven’t seen from these two about 10 times already. I’ve said it before - this whole Hardys reunion thing just doesn’t feel like it matters at all. I’m really trying to care, but maybe I just never will.

After the match, Cade & Murdoch shake hands with Matt & Jeff again. WHERE COULD THIS BE GOING???

Recap of the “Rated R Shocker”…..*JUVENILE JOKE ALERT*….he he, I think the Shocker would probably be a bit past an “R” rating - I guess we could ask Matt Hardy….

Then they announce Lashley vs. COACH. This angle needs to be murdered. I’m tired of ECW just being the third hour of Raw - and it’s been nothing but SINCE McMahon got involved. I hope Lashley breaks a kneecap on an UNTRAINED Coachman and he’s gone for like 23 months.

Hey! A Snitsky promo! I suddenly care JUST the same as I did before, which was not at fucking all. This guy needs to treat himself like the big shaved baby he looks like and commit a self abortion. It’s not like it would be his fault or anything.

Coach is backstage with Umaga, Vince, and Shane. Much blowing of selves, very little point.

SANTINO MARELLA vs. CHRIS MASTERS

Can’t we get one god damn Raw that doesn’t have a match on in from the previous week? No? Well fuck you too, then. By the way, I’m unsure if this is a title match, because it wasn’t announced as one, but JR seems to think that Masters could win the title tonight. Crazy ass.

Marella was billed from “New Jersey” now. What the fuck was wrong with Italy? I could be “Now Residing” in the fucking Philippines, but it doesn’t make me any less a cracker, does it?

I can’t wait for this rematch to start, which is good, because they sure as hell did not wait. Masters opens strong with pushing, backbreakers, and much clotheslinery. He then goes for the Masterlock, which ain’t shit anymore, but gets turned around by Santino, who then gets spinebustered for his efforts. 2 count.

He goes for the Ain’tShitLock again, but this one is “brilliantly” countered into the feared finisher of Santino Marella: the rollup. Game over.

WINNER: SANTINO MARELLA

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Masters losing. Fuck him. He only exists because McMahon still gets a stiffy from the bodybuilders.

OVERALL: The same match, only again and a week later. Santino looked a bit stronger in the ring, but I’m still not convinced. Why is this rematch style of booking such a common practice? I don’t know either….

Afterwards, Masters plays dickhead and beats up on Santino, obviously jealous of the push he got passed over for again. Or maybe he just took it upon himself to do a third rematch next week and have it justified. Maybe they should figure out that MASTERS isn’t exactly a guy to put your new guys against to make them look good. In fact, they may look like shit.

Still more pimping of the Condemned - this time with the other wrestlers. Still not caring.

Here comes Milena - apparently to do commentary for…

CANDICE MICHELLE vs. VICTORIA

Ah, WWE booking. The half of tag team in singles match follow up, page 12. Next week, look forward to Milena vs. Torrie. Oh, the match. Candace opens with the Mr. Perfect flipping seated neckbreaker thing (!!!), but then we go right to hairpully chicky offense, and the near-death of Candice following a headscissors. These chicks REALLY need to stop trying that shit. Candace wins off a wheel kick.

WINNER: CANDICE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Candice running to the ring. I may be hypnotized. For fakes, they still boing good.

OVERALL: The spank hand returns, due to the fact that it was NOT the tag match again, and the aforementioned running bounciness. The fact that it wasn’t the same exact match also helped it avoid the down thumb. But it was still the same ol titty shitty.

Candace taunts Milena afterwards, who calls Candice fat. Now if THAT wasn’t basis for a chick wrestling feud, then what the fuck else could be?

Now we get Edge, one last time (yeah fucking right), with much pyro (like we’re talking opening of Raw pyros). The belt looks much better with him that it would with about 90 percent of Smackdown, so I’m okay with this. He’s headed to the ring and walks around until his music LOOPS before grabbing a mic.

We get the verbal recap of how we got here, and it’s here that I laugh about the angle that would ensue if he cashed it in on Vince’s ass. Not that the ECW title has any meaning of any kind.

He WAS going to leave us with one last Edge match, but nope. He is, however, defending against Batista at Judgment Day, but he’s not worried. But JUST as he’s going to leave - cue HBK.

HBK says why don’t you just leave if you’re going to leave, Edge (suddenly three years old) tells him to shut up, then challenges him to a match tonight. Thank you Edge - that means that fucking Coach vs. fucking Lashley will NOT be the main event.

Speaking of fucking Lashley, here’s Todd with fucking Lashley now. He asks him his thoughts. We don’t get them, as Shane shows up just to fuck with him and to remind him that the Masters of Ego ( TM 23Log) will be at ringside - obviously to NOT run in, of course.

And here they come - I fucking hate Vince, but no where near as much as I hate

COACH vs. LASHLEY

The battle of who is the whiter black dude. This will suck. Opens with a trade of bitch slaps, but only Lashley slapped an actual bitch. Then we go right in to the owning from Lashley, including him hitting Coach with Abyss’s Shock Treatment backbreaker (!), then a big spear. End.

WINNER: LASHLEY

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Coach getting moves done to him. All of them.

OVERALL: This is now the Khali/COACH default score. Is the roster really so depleted that we EVER have to have this penis in the ring? I don’t care if it IS to further a storyline that no one not named “McMahon” gives a shit about. Fuck the Coach. I really hope he hits the needle and they fire him to make an example.

But of course, it’s NOT the end, as Shane and Umaga finally run in and start beating down Lashley, rendering the whole “unless provoked” thing dead. Lashley finally gets out of the way of the running ass-doom, spears Umaga, and tears after Vince, but is body-blocked by Shane.

Now Lashley chases Shane, who jumps in a waiting limo Looney Tunes style as Vince shows back up to lambaste (lambaste?) Lashley with the ECW title. You sly dog.

It’s at this point that JR calls Vince the “Doctor of Hardcore”. So he gets an honorary doctorate in hardcore? Of all the guys they could have given it to, they chose Vince? Fuck off with you. Vince is MAYBE the doctor of Egonomics, but nothing else. Bad joke. Sorry.

Now, Judgment Day pimpage, where it’s announced that Khali’s presence is “awe-inspiring”. His presence is definitely inspiring, but awe is not what I was thinking. Suck, maybe. “suck-inspiring”.

AND, is it just me, or did everyone forget that Cena FU’d Viscera AND Big Show, both of whom were heavier that Khali. Oh, I guess they weren’t factoring in that if they didn’t WANT to be FUed, they wouldn’t have been FUed (file under Selling, NO).

It is now 10:25, which is usually about the time that inconsequential shit happens here in Raw land. Cue Carlito.

CARLITO vs. VAL VENIS (!?)

Val on Raw, eh? I wonder who’s taking this match. But he IS a former IC champion. Like that means anything. Anyway, Val does start in control, hitting his Val knees and legsweep thing. Then it’s mostly Carlito from there, including hitting a top-rope missile dropkick. Venis gets one last burst of offense in, going for a quick rollup and eventually getting a chance to go for the Money Shot (still cracks me up they named a move after a sperm spurt - well, I guess it’s a finisher named after a finishing). He gets the blue balls i.e. Carlito rolls away and Val does not get the Money Shot, which leads to the BackCracker for the win (which is not to be confused for Coachman - the BLACKcracker. Snap.).

WINNER: CARLITO

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: Venis didn’t get badly beaten. It’s a good thing Val’s not on Raw that often, because if people beat the Venis too often, they could go blind. Terrible joke. Sorry again.

OVERALL: Not-sloppy Carlito match for once. He stopped trying to get pointless cheers with pointless springboarding. I think he just might be happy he’s heel again. See how fucking easy that was?

Oh, and Flair runs out - Carlito bolts. They’re wrestling at Judgment Day. I figured they’d get this shit over with quick, since there can’t be any meaningful feuds with a PPV every three god damn weeks.

SPEAKING of that, we see HBK backstage with Orton. Orton tells HBK he can beat him. HBK says he’s not doing anything Sunday. They book the match for Judgment Day - Orton vs. HBK. Wow. A 90 second build - perhaps a new record? Meaningful feuds be damned.

Then we get a “taste” of Timbaland’s upcoming video featuring the Diva. I thought he was kidding about that when he mentioned it a month back, like he was put on the spot about it and was just playing it off to get publicity. Nope. And it tastes like silicone, by the way.

Oh goody - an update on Cena’s condition: nothing to worry about, he’s still champ. We even double checked.

ORDER JUDGMENT DAY!!!!!!

EDGE vs. SHAWN MICHAELS

They’re giving this match about 15 minutes - let’s see what they do with it. I just had a thought - Edge came to the ring wearing the Precious - the title that rotted on HHH here for like two years. I wonder if he smells it….Edge had better hope not. Return of the King of Kings, if you will. Sorry, I’m a fucking nerd with no life AND I RUN A WRESTLING WEBSITE THAT VERY FEW PEOPLE READ. But I still rule, so fuck off.

And I hate it when HBK wears that fucking hat.

But there IS a match to be wrestled, so let’s begin. HBK starts out with the fearsome side headlock. Edge begins to punch him. HBK hits a neckbreaker, but the heelage comes back strong until HBK dumps Edge’s ass over to the floor, then the ever-present commercial spot where HBK jumps off the apron onto him.

COMMERCIAL!!!!!

We’re back….and HBK is laid out. They keep mentioning the concussion from last week - it’s more of a hangover after inhaling too much suck. Edge must have heard the announcers, as he begins much punching and kicking - MUCH punching and kicking - about 5 minutes of it. JR mentions he keeps hitting him in the “concust area”. The fucking HEAD, perhaps???

JR = losing it.

Edge hits a neckbreaker, but only gets a two count, so we go to chinlock land. That will take care of it, I’m sure. HBK fights out of it, for he has been to chinlock land many times and hates it there. Shawn begins a comeback, and in doing so, he shows the world Edge’s man-thong. A small exchange on the top rope leads to Edge airballing a top-rope cross bodyblock. Both down. Both up. We get the back & forth thing until the Shawn Series begins, starting with forearm and ending with Sweet Chin Music NOT countered. HBK gets the three count. Wow. He pins the champ.

WINNER: HBK

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The finish was more unpredictable that I made it sound - Edge was totally owning the majority of the match.

OVERALL: Better than average TV match - I wouldn’t expect anything else from these two. I’ll miss Edge, that’s for sure. Also, an interesting note - HBK has now pinned BOTH shows champions CLEANLY within a month, yet Vince McMahon has a belt. Damn it all.

Show ends with Orton running in and treating Shawn like he were a hotel lamp, then standing over him looking all bad ass and shit.

OVERALL SHOW: (1 side, 1 down) - Definitely better than last week, as it were a bit less of the same, but still pretty inconsequential all around. Khali still has Cena’s belt, but Cena’s still champ. Carlito still hates Flair. Hardys still always win. Chicks are still busty and blow in the ring. HBK’s still making bitches look better than they are. ECW’s bullshit is still wasting too much show time. Lashley still doesn’t spend enough time on his own show. Skittles are still fruity and delicious. The only thing different is that Edge is gone, which is great for Smackdown, shit for me. I guess that’s what happens when you’re perpetually building towards a $40 pay-per-view. Something somewhere’s gotta give, including me giving fucks, which currently I do not. The reviews are getting shorter, friends…