May 7, 2007

Another week, another Raw - and if this week starts how last week ended (with the Punjabi Pile), I’m warning you now that I’ll be on early checkout and the review will suck balls (much the way that one Great Khali does - Great (at Sucking) Khali. He he ha ha.)

Good news - doesn’t start with Khali.

Bad news - it DOES start with the Coach. Announcing the entrance of Vince. The ECW Champion. There HAS to be better things on TV….

“No chance, no chance in Hell” of the ECW title ever meaning anything. He should just re-name the fucking brand “VCW” and make the belt out of his fucking face. Dammit anyway….

He’s still wearing the skullie looking thing and says “What up, G” when he gets the mic. Dear. Fucking. Lord. Good ol’ Vinnie Mac gives everyone in the arena a reminder that he’s not only the ECW champion, but he’s also the Chairman (something tells me those two titles are directly related). He then reminds us of the CHAOS that we saw last week with the Punjabi Pile laying waste to four main eventers LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER DONE BEFORE. NO MAN. EVER. BEFORE. Guess that’s why he’s Great, eh? And in case a verbal reminder wasn’t good enough, you get a visual one as well.

Not even MAD video editing skills can make me care about you. You’re big. Good for fucking you. I don’t see you playing basketball - but since you’re so big, why aren’t you? Oh, maybe because you’d suck at that too. So maybe being big doesn’t necessarily make you GOOD at something - being big merely ASSISTS you with being good at it. Kind of like wrestling. I rest my case. Asshole.

Recapping a replay is a bit like watching a sports game after it airs - what the fuck is the point? Back to “reality”, Vince is still talking about Khali and attempts to announce the worst Judgement Day main event he could possibly create - Cena vs. Great Kh-

INTERRUPTED by HBK. Thanks, Shawn - delay the inevitable. HBK tells everyone that had he not been laid out last week, he’d have beaten John Cena and become the top contender (does that seem stupid to anyone else - he has to BEAT Cena TWICE to earn another shot at the title? I repeat - he has to BEAT the champion MORE THAN ONCE to prove that he can fight him for the belt. Fuck off with you). Shawn mentions that instead of being given a chance, he’ll earn it and challenges Khali to a top-contenders match. Vince agrees and makes it no DQ, ensuring that there will be no clean finish to this match. Not that there will be much of a match, as it features one Punjabi Pile, but HBK is in there, so this will actually be a measure of Khali’s true sucktitude. I’m guessing it’ll still be off the charts.

HOWEVER, Vince is FAR from done, as he suddenly remembers he’s the ECW champion and begins the one-man cocksucking show. This is cut off by Lashley, who I’m not unhappy to see right now because that’s how the “E” rolls - “You hate this guy? Here’s someone that sucks harder. Now you don’t hate him so much, do you? Tool.”. Anyway, no bonus achievement points for guessing why Lashley’s out here. He wants his rematch - “you gave HBK what he wants, why don’t you give me what I want? You like him more, don’t you? He was ALWAYS your favorite. I’m going to go steal a car and develop a meth addiction for attention, and it will be all your fault for not loving me enough!” Got carried away…my bad.

Vince reminds Lashley that he can’t touch him, Shane, or Umaga, or he NEVER gets a rematch, then plays the “you want to hit me? well HIT ME” game. Then, for the benefit of only himself, replays the smashing of Lashley from Backlash. Thanks for that. My apologies go out to those who ordered Backlash and have to watch them give chunks away on TV for free for the next two weeks after. Maybe next time you can fold your money into paper airplanes and have a fucking tiny air show - it might be more fun.

Vince is still fucking with Lashley (for WAY too damn long now - don’t BOTH of you have a show of your own to do this shit on?) and shows an old WWE magazine cover with Vince’s head photoshopped onto Lashley’s body holding the ECW title. We’ve officially spent more time on Raw with ECW’s title than ECW does, and about as much time as Raw spends on its OWN title.

Somebody please explain.

McMahon finally gets to the god damn point by giving Lashley the title shot at Judgement Day, but in a REMATCH from Backlash - Lashley vs. Umaga, Vince, & Shane (for the five of you that AREN’T named McMahon that enjoyed their previously epic encounter). Oh, blissful day.

Lashley likes the idea (I’m not sure why - he LOST the first one to VINCE MCMAHON = BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!), but he’d like to show Vince how he really feels but can’t touch him. Vince calls him out, Bobby does nothing, and Vince goes to leave. But we NEARLY forgot about the Coach. Lashley becomes my favorite wrestler on Raw for about two minutes (a la Cena last week) when he beats the poo out of Coach and chokes him with a cord before spearing his ass on the outside.

SuperTool = Owned. El Gringo = Happy.

Guess Vince will be retaining against RVD this week on ECW…in case I needed LESS reason to care about that match. FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH vs. FIVE PEOPLE IN MY FUCKING KISS MY EGOTRIP CLUB. Epic, I say.

Orton vs. Cena will be our main event. Glee.

But FIRST, we see Mickie James walking into Candace’s dressing room, where she assists her in fastening her top. Something tells me she could have done it on her own (hint - they UNFASTEN backwards from how they FASTEN - I know you know how to UNFASTEN). But, if she did it on her own, it wouldn’t have been nearly as, uhhh, hot?

MICKIE JAMES/CANDACE MICHELLE (w/ quasi-lesbianism) vs. MILENA/VICTORIA (w/ quasi-hotness) - DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH (TWICE THE BOOBIES, BUT WE ARE CUBING THE POINTLESSNESS - NOW EIGHT TIMES MORE POINTLESS - THE RUBBER MATCH, NOT THE RUB-HER MATCH THAT YOU WERE HOPING FOR)

The THIRD fucking time I’ve had to sit through this one. It’s one thing to deal with shitty diva wrestling every week, but the SAME fucking chicks on the SAME fucking teams in the SAME fucking match as we’ve seen all too recently?

I don’t care.

There not even in different outfits, for Christ’s sake….I’m going to flip back & forth to the Warriors/Jazz game and merely inform you of anything exciting - like an implant bursting or some accidental nudity.

Candace wins it by pinning the champ Milena clean after a wheel kick. Maybe I’ll call that one the Tit-Popper, as that’s about as high up as she can get it. That must be the cool thing to do these days; pin your champions cleanly in matches they aren’t defending their belts in, but then have them nonsensically retain each time they are.

WINNERS: MICKIE/CANDACE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The Warriors were winning when I finished flipping back and forth.

OVERALL: See that? No more stroke points for you. Just two thumbs down - no longer will you get by on the fact that you don’t have wieners. If there was a point for this match other than miscellaneous boobage, I’m listening. Booking? What the fuck is booking?

Next up - Santino Marella, the “fan” who was so obviously NOT a plant - he just HAPPENED to be a part of the OVW roster for the last year or so, which just HAPPENS to be the training ground for the WWE, then just HAPPENED to be at ringside when Vince was hunting for a challenger for Umaga. Just HAPPENED that way. I won’t be too hard on it; definitely a unique debut.

CHRIS MASTERS vs. SANTINO MARELLA - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Here’s your test, dude. Masters starts out bullying him around with his purely natural and hard-earned physique, but Santino comes back with a striking FLURRY - brought to an end by a clothesline. Masters then pulls down the kneepad to go for a kneedrop WITH THE WRONG DAMN KNEE (the way he was going for it would have resulted in one knee to the face, one knee to the chest cavity), which Santino smartly avoids and then begins to literally kick the hell out of him.

Santino goes for the 10 punches in the corner, but gets shoved off by Masters, but upon Masters attempting to make something of it, he gets rolled up. Ah, the rollup - tool of the underdog.

WINNER (AND STILL IC CHAMPION): SANTINO MARELLA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The newbie didn’t look like shit in his TV debut, and he really doesn’t look or wrestle like a WWE standard guy.

OVERALL: Masters continues his downward skid after having his Masterlock broken once and for all by jobbing to the noob. Whereas the announcers are talking about Santino’s slim chances, I’m thinking of Masters’ slim chances. The match was a bit quick for a believable title defense, even against a Heat-jobber-in-the-making like The Masterpiece, but I’m always OK with new talent coming in and not sucking, so I’ll take what I was given. Beats the bloody fuck out of watching the title rot and waste away on Umaga.

After the break, I hear “KENNEDY!!!”, and I say “yay”. He cuts a brief promo reminding us (god DAMN WWE likes to have people remind us of shit all the time - must be all that drinking and cousin-fucking us redneck rasslin’ fans do that goofs up our memory) of his proclamation of becoming champ at Wrestlemania 24, which at the rate we’re going will be against McMahon. Mr. Kennedy…….wait for it…….Kennedy. I ask - brand extension?…………extension?

Maria is backstage with Randy Orton. He tells us that tonight, he’s going to prove that he’s Randy Orton. More or less, anyway. Alert all diva gym bags, legends, hotel rooms, Rey Mysterios, and steroid needles - Randy Orton is going to prove that he’s Randy Orton. It was kind of a face-type promo, though…nothing like John Cena to make the crowd react positively to Randy Orton.

HIGHLANDERS vs. UMAGA - HANDICAP MATCH

Do we still need to keep proving that Umaga is a badass by feeding him a whole tag team? This really doesn’t make Umaga look unstoppable as much as it makes the Highlanders look like butt because BOTH of them get owned and can’t figure out ANY strategy to make it go otherwise.

Umaga starts crushing them both early. Robbie takes the ass bomb, Rory takes the thumb, then Robbie takes a thumb of his own. Umaga stacks them in a 69 and splashes on top of them to crush them both. Game over.

WINNER: UMAGA (LOSER - ROBBIE, FOR BEING FORCE-FED HIS COUSIN’S MEATBAG)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The WWE’s removed any reason to give any shits about the Highlanders, so them being squashed really hurt no one.

OVERALL: Same ol’ Umaga bullshit. And JUST when I was going to get off this guy’s back, they trade him out for Khali and reduce him to doing the McMahon’s dirty work. Uck. He he - two thumbs down - just like the two thumbs DOWN into the necks of the Highlanders. Sweet irony, bitch.

Speaking of same old bullshit, we get more pimping for The Condemned. I guess it needs it, since it bombed HARD. Like Nash dropping the Giant on his head hard. At my local theater, it was playing on ONE screen at ONE showing: 1:10 P.M.
It’s an EPIC BLOCKBUSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brief backstage segment with Edge and Mr. Kennedy - Edge basically asks for a shot at the briefcase, and calls Kennedy out when he says no. Finally, he gets him to agree to a match tonight for the contract, and Kennedy screams in his face……….FACE.

We go from this to the power-suck.

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. THE GREAT KHALI - NO DQ #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

I’m going to attempt to look at this one differently, rather than cut to the double fuck you - if anyone can make Khali look functional, it’ll be HBK. I do not expect much.

We’re informed that HBK’s never faced anyone like the Pile - that’s because all of the 7ft + guys he’s faced could actually sell moves - yes, even Nash.

Shawn jumps on him early and ties him up in the ropes, but gets booted in the face. Khali then hits a scoop slam (which is like every other scoop slam, but from farther up so it hurts like fifty times more), but misses the worlds second slowest legdrop (you can guess who the first belongs to, brother). HBK then remembers the whole no DQ thing and smashes Khali with a chair in the face, leading to his forearm-nip up spot (on a SEATED Khali - funny stuff), then the elbowdrop, followed by the tune up. The announcers wonder if he can even kick Khali, but with a chin like his, it’d be a wonder if he COULDN’T. It sticks out a foot from his face.

The superkick is thwarted, however, as Khali counters and head chops him, then begins to work on him in the corners ever so slowly. He hits a clothsline, then tries the chokebomb, but HBK goes all heel on him and gouges his eyes, then pulls him to the outside. He hits a baseball slide to the outside, then goes to take apart the announce table….a sign of things to come, perhaps?

HBK stands on a chair and tries some sort of DDT thing on Khali through the table, but the Pile tosses him away, then chokebombs him through the announce table (Abyss rule - never set up anything you don’t intend to sell yourself). The referee calls for the bell, because HBK has had enough of the suck and the match must be stopped.

And the horrible words are spoken: “Your winner, and number one contender for the WWE championship, the Great Khali.” And a few of you died inside.

WINNER: PUNJABI PILE (AND ZERO OTHERS)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The chairshot to Khali was my favorite part.

OVERALL: HBK did everything he could based on what he had to work with (side), but Ultimate Suck prevailed in the end as Khali still no-sold his way to next in line for John Cena (middle). Fuck this guy for actually making me CHEER for the FU. Cena vs. Khali will set a new low for suck.

We get a replay of practially everything that just happened in case, y’know, you flipped channels to the NBA game or something.

And, after commercial, they replay it all again in case, y’know, you are cursed with short term memory loss.

Then we get Re-Todd backstage with John Cena, and I have to be honest - I changed channels to see the end of the hoops game. All he cuts are robo-promos anymore anyway; I’m sure he said something about never backing down, never quitting and that the champ is here so if you want some come get some. Sounds about right.

Then we get Cryme Tyme backstage (?!), where they re-introduce themselves to us (since it’s been so long) and offer us a Mother’s Day sale of shit they stole from other people, including Faarooq’s H2 (Damn, I say). The whole thing is interrupted by a fat white dude in a Spiderman costume, who is promptly beat up and robbed. Ha ha. Stereotypes rule.

So far the best part of Raw has been a part of Smackdown = fucking sad.

HARDYS vs. WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

Raw is Rematch again (this one happened a few weeks ago), and Cade & Murdoch are at ringside for it as we begin with Shelton & Matt (A Matt who is fresh off beating Mr. Kennedy CLEAN on Smackdown, who is considered the next guy in line for the belt - all while being half of the tag champs on ANOTHER SHOW. Is there no end to your ruling?). Heels start in control (as usual), isolate Matt (as usual), and make frequent tags (as usual).

Cade & Murdoch are actually pretty entertaining as announcers; meanwhile, Jeff gets the HOT TAG and cleans up the ring with his Jeff spots. A pinfall attempt after the Whisper in the Wind is broken up by Benjamin. Jeff then goes back up to the top, Haas attempts to counter his flippy jumpy offense, but just gets suplexed by Matt instead, leading to the Swanton Bomb as Haas again takes the fall for the WGTT. Maybe it’s all HIS fault they never win….

WINNERS: HARDYS

BEST PART: I *HEART* SWANTONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVERALL: More of the same shit week in and week out from the Hardys. I thought this reunion thing would be really cool, but now it seems kind of phoned in to me. Not that the same old Hardy shit sucks in any way; it’s still more entertaining than 75 percent of both rosters, but just because Men In Black is a good movie doesn’t mean it gets BETTER if I watch it 7 times, y’know? The whole thing just feels like they’ll never actually lose the tag belts until it’s time to push a different team over all others. I’m ready to be done already.

After the match, Cade & Murdoch go for handshakes again, which the Hardys accept. I don’t know where this is going, and that’s a very good thing.

Clips now of the FUCKING FINALLY heel turn of Carlito on Flair, which leads to shots of him heading to the ring w/ apple and Torrie. Hopefully he introduces the two….

But before that, we get a package pimping Snitsky. They don’t even tell us what show he’s on. What the fuck was the point of that?

Now we’re back and Carlito’s in the ring. He goes off on the fact that Flair embarrassed him and he doesn’t need to grow or learn anymore from him. He then calls him out (despite apparently knowing that he’s not in the building - pussy), and after he doesn’t show, he tells us that he’s planning to get rid of ALL the garbage in his life (here it comes….), including TORRIE. Hell yes. He rips her a new one in Spanish, then throws the mic down. Heel Carlito rules. Someone better alert the entire locker room that Torrie is free and she’s taking numbers.

More pimping for the Condemned, which is funny because there are probably more people watching said pimpage than actually have seen the film. Joke’s on you, bitches.

They announce the main event for tomorrow’s ECW as RVD vs. Vince, Shane, and Umaga. Apparently he didn’t earn a shot at anything; just the right to have his ass kicked by three guys - one of whom already beat him once alone. Fuck off with this Vince thing. Here’s where I’d make a comment about RVD going to TNA, but shit isn’t too much better down there right now either…

EDGE vs. MR. KENNEDY - FOR THE MONEY IN THE BANK CONTRACT

Edge jumps Kennedy during his entrance and smashes him with a monitor before the bell rings, so there’s “nothing anyone can do about it”. I always fucking hated that. You can always do SOMETHING. Just DQ the motherfucker the second he gets in the ring. You just don’t WANT to do anything, you pussy ass.

Anyway, since there was nothing anyone could do, Edge rolls Kennedy in the ring, the referee asks Kennedy if he wants to go on, to which he replies “ring the damn bell”, charges at Edge, and gets Speared. End (!).

WINNER (AND NEW HOLDER OF THE CONTRACT): EDGE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Too quick to have one.

OVERALL: It lasted about 10 seconds and obviously only happened to pull the case off Kennedy, which licks major, MAJOR nutsack, but fucking torn muscles abounds (for Ken it was a triceps muscle) caused the audible to be called. I think fucking Batista learned some voodoo shit after his torn triceps - he can cause the muscles of all that oppose him to be ripped from their bones in order to remain the fake-ass top draw of Smackdown; first Taker, then Kennedy (the obvious second choice). Fear the Animal, motherfucker - he will tear flesh from ivory.

I gave it a middle thumb just due to the importance of this happening. We did get to enjoy Edge beating Kennedy with the case a couple times; a sight I could never see again and it would be too fucking soon - I got tired of that bullshit REAL quick. Well, I’ll just look at it this way - Mr. Kennedy will be brought back a face now and get that injury push that even MARK HENRY has gotten heat from TWICE.

Up next - Orton vs. Cena; a match you’ll probably be fed in a few months on PPV and it will be touted as a big fucking deal and they’ll pretend this one never happened. Watch and believe.

JR invites us to look at the carnage at ringside, and I immediately want Cletus Kassidy to show up and tear BOTH of them to ribbons as they show us YET A-FUCKING-GAIN what Khali did to HBK in case, y’know, you died around 9:17 PM and were recently brought back by a necromancer. Can’t we just cut the bullshit and get on with a main event so it DOESN’T start at 11? Fucking twats.

JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON

Cena Reaction Report: Louder than Orton’s, but that’s cause them ladies love them some Cena.

Hey, he didn’t salute when he came out! What will the Corps think of that????

And, right on cue, the bell rings at 11 PM. Yay main event. Orton comes at him strong, but the might of Cena is great and he turns things around, until the might of Cena is counter-balanced by the might of the One Ring…pole. He he ha ha. Orton leads that into his stompy raindance and ever so cleverly transitions that into the chinlock. Oh, chinlock - how I have missed you so, with all of Randy’s wrongdoings and hooliganism.

Cena proves that the Marine is mightier than the chinlock as he powers the hell out of it, leading to the start of the 5 moves of DOOMY DOOM, but upon attempting the FU, the Punjabi Pile heads out to ruin yet another chunk of Raw for me. Prick.

The Pile simply grabs the title belt and walks away, distracting Cena just long enough to allow him to put Orton in the ST-FU (yeah, you read that right). Cena then decides that this match is fucking pointless all around and opts to chase down his bling bling belt, resulting in him being lambasted gingerly in the face/top of head region with said bling bling belt. Khali holds the belt up and Raw just fucking ends there - no bell ring, no decision, no fucking reason or rhyme, but no FU either.

WINNER: FUCK ALL - I WOULD SAY KHALI, WHICH MEANS YOU KNOW WHAT SCORE I’M GIVING THIS MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Khali waited until AFTER the chinlock to come down, so me and chinlock could get re-acquainted, since we’ll probably be seeing more of each other now that Orton’s in the doghouse and therefore not punished in the slightest.

OVERALL: Yup. Fuck Khali. And fuck this match, too - it was literally “you do your stupid moveset to me, then I’ll do mine to you, then we just don’t bother with a fucking ending”. We got no winner or loser; just Khali owning all. And fuck that, I say, fuck that.

OVERALL SHOW I’m done being easy on this crap. I could have missed this Raw entirely and other than Santino Marella’s debut and them calling the audible and putting the briefcase on Edge, I would have missed NOTHING. I almost did just that, as the NBA playoff game was much more entertaining…

Just IMAGINE if the NBA were like the WWE:

- Yao Ming would just be GIVEN a championship ring because he’s huge - mobility be not a factor.

- Ron Artest would have gotten a slap on the wrists for punching the fan had his team been in championship contention.

- The same fucking team would win every NBA finals in the last game, because they didn’t back down nor quit.

- David Stern (the NBA commissioner) would just make his own team and name them the NBA champions.

- They would split the Eastern and Western Conferences and no teams would be allowed to play cross-conference games, nor could they be traded (unless the trade only benefited ONE conference).

- One quarter of each NBA game would randomly be played by chicks that have fake tits, but are no good at basketball

Ok, sorry about that - back to this damn show. Everything was either a rematch from recent weeks, or just completely inconsequential to anything. The only storyline of consequence has been this Khali shit, and if they end up putting the strap on him, Vince keeps the ECW title, and Batista gets the other belt from the InjureTaker, then I think I might scream, kick my recliner a few times, and likely hit my head against something harder than I should be hitting my head against. On purpose. I’d say I’d shoot myself, but that’s the pussy way out.

And I’m spent.