May 8, 2007

Welcome to ECW. Where Vince rules. And sucks. We begin today’s show with Lashley (wearing chick looking sunglasses) arriving at the arena, where his is approached by Armando Estrada and fake cops. He tells Lashley that tonight he can’t stay at the arena and can’t touch Estrada or he’ll be arrested. Bobby responds by pushing Estrada’s wheelchair down a ramp into some garbage, then willingly goes to jail. At least that’s the last I’ll see of him tonight, but I have a feeling it’s only going to suck worse….

Not YET, however, as our first match has some promise:

CM Punk vs. MONTY BROWN - winner: Alpha Male

23Log’s Ranking: Nothing special, but a good match all around. Alpha Male looked more comfortable in the ring this week.

We’ve got ROH vs. TNA here as Monty works the match with standard big man/little man offense, working on the back while Punk sells it like AJ Styles. It doesn’t end clean, however, as Burke kicks Punk in the ribs while he’s on the outside, leading to a bad ass looking POOOOOOUUUUUUUUNNNNNNCCE. Thank god they finally let it be called the Pounce. It was starting to get really stupid. They also announced Punk vs. Burke at Judgement Day.

Speaking of announcing, ECW completely spoils Smackdown (since no one watches it anyway, apparently) and informs us that Edge cashed in the case on the tapings and won the World Heavyweight Championship. Thanks.

Fucking great….

Snitsky vs. Sandman - winner: Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking:             I’m fucking DONE with Snitsky.

We see a 5-time former ECW World Champion completely crushed by this fucker. Like about a minute crushed. We see him bash HIMSELF in the face with beer cans, but a fucking wrestling boot to the forehead puts him down like Steven Segal snapped his neck or some shit. All I can hope for is that Snitsky goes after Vince, and that the ring bursts into flames during that match.

SPEAKING of Vince, he’s backstage with Umaga and Shane, where we find out that RVD will be facing him, Umaga, and Shane tonight in a 3 on 1 handicap match for NO championship. What again was RVD beating up his friends to earn last week? Apparently the right to be jobbed the fuck out by the chairman since he’s leaving the company. I wonder why he’d want to leave?

We continue the most NOT ECW series of segments OF ALL TIME with Extreme Pointless Dancing Bitches. Tits, Vince, and Snitsky = ratings. Right? You guys only have an hour - why again are we totally wasting it?

And SPEAKING of wasting time, we then get a bunch of fucking recaps - from Vince winning the title at Backlash, to Vince’s run-in with Lashley on Raw, then to Lashley’s run in with the pigs from earlier.

Ah, a match! A pointless match!

Elijah Burke vs. Brian Major (of the well known team the Major Brothers) - winner: Burke

23Log’s Ranking:Just like any other jobber vs. superstar match; the jobber gets a tiny shred of hope in before being finished off - in this case it was from the Stroke (or whatever the fuck he calls it).

This whole match was to show Striker in front of Striker what a douchebag Striker is for losing to these jobbers last week. I guess it was a success.

Oh, goody - here comes our shit pile main event.

RVD vs. Umaga, Vince, and Shane - winner: fucking guess (with Vince, of course, getting the pin)

23Log’s Ranking: ………(speechless)

For some reason, this match started out with Shane McMahon actually hanging with RVD in the ring, then RVD finally comes back, but then Umaga jumps in and despite some effort from RVD, he gets owned. Owned by the belly, ass, and thumb of Umaga, leading to the pinfall victory after the champ tags himself in. It took twice, however, as Vince couldn’t even pin him right the first time - say hello to your champion. Seriously - fuck this ego trip bullshit. And fuck Vince’s burglar look too. Hell, fuck it all.

Best part of the show: We’ll just go with the POUNCE. Period.

What pissed me off this week: Fucking guess again.