May 1, 2007

As all of you know, Vince fucking McMahon is the new ECW champion. I’m reminded of this by his presence in the intro package more times than Lashley now. I’ll give you one guess what my “pissed off this week” is going to be. This review will live up to it’s name: the Re-CRAP.

However, ECW doesn’t start with it’s new champ (he’ll likely be involved in the “main event”). We start with the former champ - Lashley. Leave it to Vince to make it not so bad that Lashley was champ. Asshole. Lashley is upset that he lost the belt - McMahon got his revenge (on ALL of us), and he wants a rematch here tonight!

Out comes Armando Estrada in a wheelchair, who says that, on behalf of Vince, he’ll get his rematch someday, but until then he can’t touch Umaga, Shane, or Vince. But he can touch Estrada, evidently, as Lashley rolls him into the stairs. Please show me the replay, as I obviously just missed it. Thank you.

Backstage with the New Breed - Burke is bitching about the one-week stint of Punk in HIS New Breed. He’s going to make everyone follow HIS lead. That’s right.

CM Punk heads to the ring, apparently to take on one of the New Breed. Burke & co. come out, with Elijah looking like HE’S going to challenge him, then like a true leader makes Thorn go do it.

CM Punk vs. Kevin Thorn - winner: CM Punk

23Log’s Ranking: Stupid little match; if Thorn’s so tough and important to the New Breed, why did a smaller dude just own his ass? Punk wins with the GTS if you care.

We get some video of the Originals telling how they feel about Vince - something tells me they’re not acting, either. Somewhere, under a bed, Paul Heyman is crying…..

We also get the RETURN of the Extreme Cheerleaders dancing to a stripper song (Cherry Pie). I can’t tell you much more than that; I was flipping back & forth between this and my Hardcore title match on WWF No Mercy. Much more entertaining; anyone who’s reading this can find better half-naked women dancing anywhere online. I suggest that instead.

Now we’re backstage with the New Breed, where Burke is all sorts of pissed off at Thorn for losing to Punk. The Vampire’s response. I QUIT. I guess he wants to spend more time at all those bite clubs or whatever…too bad he didn’t quit the WHOLE WWE. I hate this guy.

More footage of the Originals - underlying theme? Vince killed ECW. Not exactly; he killed it then gave it a zombie virus where it wanders around eating brains - that way you don’t CARE who the champ is. Fucking Vince. Fucking, fucking Vince.

Then? A Snitsky video package promoting the fact that Snitsky is on ECW, which just happens to also be the show I’m watching. Why the fuck again?

Fuck, between useless bitches, Snitsky videos, backstage bullshit, and Condemned “special looks”, we’ve got about a half hour worth of show here.

Oooh - another match!

Matt Striker/MONTY BROWN vs. The Majors Brothers (?) - winners: The Majors Brothers (!)

23Log’s Ranking:  The Power Plant guys look pretty sharp in this match (so does Alpha Male, hitting a badass looking press-slam to “hey yo” fallaway slam), and actually BEAT the New Breed by pinning Striker off a clean-looking springboard cross body. I did NOT see that coming; go JOBBERS! YEAH!!!!!

Afterwards, Burke is MORE hella pissed at HIS New Breed, bitching at Striker and telling him that he “disgusts him”, while the teacher takes it like a bitch. He says NOTHING to the Alpha Male, cause Monty would POOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCEEEEEE the shit out of him. Period.

And here it comes. Fucking Vince. With the fucking belt. He says that no one seems to be happy about his win, and calls out the Originals to say it to his face. Out come RVD, Sabu, Sandman, and Dreamer, all looking like someone has raped their souls.

Ok - hang on a sec….this douchebag is now the ECW champion. A title that only Sandman actually made it a habit of winning; Sabu held it only twice, Dreamer once, and RVD not at all until the “E” resurrected it (which I’m not counting because that means I’d have to count THIS reign). Hell, even the tool trying to justify the move (Tazz) used to hold that belt. As they’ve said, they were the lifeblood of ECW and now Vince is making them eat their own shit, basically, by having them in the ring so he can rub it in. I don’t care if it’s an angle. It sucks. Is there REALLY no one else that can hold that fucking title? If they made a gun that could kill an angle, I would shoot this one in the fucking face. I’m done.

Back to the ring, after trashing all the originals and rubbing their legacies in their faces (Sabu looks like he’s going to fucking snap and tear his heart out), he tells them that they’ll have to fight tonight in an extreme rules four-way dance to determine the person he’ll give the next shot to. It should kick ass, but it’s 10:59 - how do we expect to see a good match?

Sabu vs. Dreamer vs. Sandman vs. RVD - winner: RVD

23Log’s Ranking: If only they had more time. I want to see Extreme Vince take ANY of the shit that was in this match (including a bulldog on a trash can, a superplex through a table on top of another guy, multiple chair shots, and the Dreamer tree-of-woe spot - that wasn’t all, but considering the fact that they’re kicking each others asses for the right to FIGHT VINCE FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP, that’s as much as I’m reporting). To clarify, RVD won with the ***** Frog Splash on Sandman.

Mercifully, that’s the end. Look forward to RVD vs. Vince. I sure can’t fucking wait.

Best part of the show: Not a lot to pick from - I’m going to go with the Power Plant Jobber Team beating the New Breed. It was my favorite thing that happened tonight.

What pissed me off this week: A picture’s worth a thousand words (but the word “fuck” mainly comes to mind)-