Hey, ya’ll - due to System Crash’s absence this week (We killed him. We’re working on the cyborg technology to bring him back; unfortunately he was the technological one….fuck….), El Gringo will be reviewing the formerly awesome now formerly tolerable one Thursday hour known as TNA iMPACT! (complete with terRible PlAcement of LoWer cASe and CapitaL letTerS). It’s coming to me twice taped; once some time last week whenever TNA does their thing, and once due to my greater interest in the NBA playoffs. Fucking Kobe Bryant…

Oh, yeah - there’s a show to be covered. Apparently, said show is opening with the big huge fucking main event that they decided to give away on TV…

STING vs. KURT ANGLE - WINNER GETS A TITLE SHOT AT SACRIFICE

Seeing these guys in the ring is actually a big deal, but it quickly turns (and I do mean QUICKLY) to not such a big deal at all (more like rubbish) when we see approximately four moves from each of them before Christian Cage’s posse (AJ Styles, Tomko, and Steiner, for those of you keeping track at home) runs in and just takes them both out. Thanks for being the “alternative” wrestling show, TNA….”We are wrestling - and run-ins, too….”. Assholes. I guess I didn’t expect them to give this one away. Here’s an idea then. DON’T BOOK IT.

WINNER: THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYONE

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: I guess I will say that when Sting/Angle finally DO lock up, I won’t feel like I just paid for a PPV and was already given the match. So I’ll say the best part is putting the hammer down on future PPV suckage.

OVERALL: The middle goes to the booking of this cocktease of a match, and the side would be a hardcore down if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s still the first time we’d EVER seen Angle lock up with Sting. I think the whole thing would have been better if it was one still picture of that moment.

We’re far from finished, however, as the Christian Coalition keep on beating up Angle/Sting while the bell needlessly rings and rings. While Sting gets stuck outside trying the best he can to sell the sitting chinlock known as the Steiner Recliner, Cage gets busy with some weak-looking chairshots on Angle while he’s being held to the turnbuckles, then followed up by a gnarly looking DDT on said chair. Cage finally goes TOO FAR when he goes for the Unprettier on the same chair, as Sting comes back to life and makes the save, throwing a chair at Christian as he scurries away (and actually almost clocks him with it).

Apparently Angle is totally fucked up and needs medical attention. He won a gold medal with a BROKEN FREAKIN NECK. He’ll be fine….

….I guess not as they wheel him out - sorry, “stretcher” him out of the Impact Zone. It’s really hard for me to buy this sell…but I’m going to fucking have to, aren’t I?

This leads to a Christian (and Co.) promo w/ JB - he basically pimps himself and points out the fact that now it’s just Sting and himself for the belt at the PPV, in a match that hasn’t been named yet but eventually will have some retarded stipulation as soon as someone catches that it’s just a “match” match. We then find out that tonight, Tomko & Steiner have a shot at Team 3D for the tag team titles. See what happens when you split up all the teams all at once, jackasses? Now we’re stuck with the most WWE tag team match you could possibly have with your current roster (I take that back, VKM is still floating around there somewhere trying to get their old jobs back after trashing them…).

This whole charade is suddenly interrupted by Don West, who mentions that Cornette just called him to give a message to Cage, saying that because he’s an asshole sandwich, he has to defend the title against Sting TONIGHT, and if his Co. interferes, then he loses and forfeits the title to Sting. Cue the bitch, moan, bitch…..so now apparently it’s Sting vs. Cage for the belt - I’m not falling for it again, motherfuckers…..

SUICIDE STAMPEDE MATCH TO DETERMI-

WAIT. WHAT THE FUCK IS A SUICIDE STAMPEDE MATCH?

ITS RULES ARE SIMPLE:

- HAVE COMPLICATED RULES TO THE MATCH

- FOUR TEAMS

- YOU CAN’T TAG IN YOUR PARTNER

- YOU CAN’T MAKE ANY SENSE

- BOTH OF THE WINNING PARTNERS FACE SABIN IN A 3-WAY FOR THE X-TITLE AT SACRIFICE

- THE MATCH MUST HAVE A RETARDED NAME

- IT’S MUST NOT JUST FOCUS ON THE WRESTLING OF THE X-DIVISION

NOW THAT WE’RE CLEAR - SUICIDE STAMPEDE MATCH: JERRY LYNN/PETEY WILLIAMS vs. KAZ/ALEX SHELLEY vs. JAY LETHAL/SONJAY DUTT vs. SHARK BOY/SENSHI

Why the fuck are Joe, AJ AND Daniels all out of the X-Division at the same time? No answer. This match has too much crap to call - just know it was entirely too confusing, but the wrestlers were able to pull some good stuff, from it, including the last spot of the match that saw Senshi do a huge leap to the outside from the top rope onto about 75 percent of the matches’ participants, which lead to the top-rope elbowdrop from Lethal to seal the win for himself and Dutt.

Side note - how silly is it that the most popular X-division wrestler is a direct ripoff of Randy Savage. Nothing says no limits quite like neon and top-rope axehandle smashes….That was awesome! That was awesome!

WINNERS: LETHAL/DUTT (BOTH WILL FACE SABIN FOR X-TITLE @ SACRIFICE)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Despite its length, the guys were able to get some good little spots in all around.

OVERALL:Big time effort, but no big time itself. Waaaay too short with a very predictable ending, as Lethal just kicked off a feud with Sabin after Lockdown. This stupid convoluted clusterfucky method of booking needs to die and go to hell - we didn’t need a “Super Duck Suicide Showdown Extravaganza on a Pole” match to determine that Jay Fucking Lethal is the NEXT guy in a match against GUESS WHAT the guy he nearly beat at the last PPV. Would have been two side thumbs, but the stupid ass match type earned my thumb-down-ness. And shit.

Oh, and after the match Sonjay teases heel. Well, he IS Indian - he could go with that…..

JB with Sting now backstage - he asks him about the title shot (with an insanely fucking annoying strobe light going the ENTIRE time), to which Sting basically says tonight is SHOWTIME!!!!!!! Yep.

Now, we get a history package surrounding Eric Young/Robert Roode’s history. At least it’s not a direct recap of what you JUST saw, or a trailer for the Condemned….

Roode is in the ring and he DEMANDS to know who Eric Young’s friend is that’s been advising him. EY tells him that all he has is his friends, family, wrestling, and his word - which he’s keeping here tonight; even if he fires him for it. Roode gives no fucks and DEMANDS yet again (since it worked so well two minutes ago), but this time he slaps him a couple times and dares Eric to hit him….and he finally does! Yay, it’s actually going somewhere; it’s like sitting at a train crossing while a train just SITS on the tracks blocking your road. EY beats on him for a bit, then gets ahold of Tits Brooks, whom he powerbombs the crap out of. She takes it like a champ, however, and is up to crack him in the nuts after about a minute or so. He should have hit her with the F-U. She’d STILL be down and this was taped two weeks ago. Roode now takes back over and starts hitting Eric with a chair, then handcuffs him and threatens to scramble his brains to make it easier on the zombies. Actually, he just REALLY wants to know who his friend is - and gives him three seconds to tell him. On second #3, JARRETT comes out and reveals himself as the pal of EY. He clears the ring of Roode, smashes Tits with a guitar (after NEARLY stalling like a puss) and helps EY out of handcuffs & to the back.

Jeff Jarrett official “turning complete face after being hated asshole” checklist

Join Team Angle

LET Sting win match AND title shot

Weep in front of Impact Zone

Back the most solid face in TNA as he battles one of TNA’s top heels

Not swerve and hit the FACE with the guitar

Snap Scott Steiner’s neck

Keep Kevin Nash away from the X-Division

Hand money to audience

FIRE RUSSO

Just a couple items left….

And NOW we get the Condemned preview (during commercials).

Upon return, LAX is at the broadcast booth gearing up for the tag title match that they’re not involved in, but likely will be anyway. By the way, Konnan’s flashing his gang signs backwards at us - who the fuck is “AL”?

Before the match takes place, we’re backstage with Steiner/Tomko, where Steiner a ridiculously cryptic and moronic promo (we’re talking Warrior cryptic…). I refuse to transcribe it verbatim, as doing so would cause my brain to liquefy and yours to scurry out of your skull via nose and ear holes in search of an escape. It did, however, contain the following niblets of interest:

- Scott hates prepositions. All of them.

- He’s the most decorated athlete in…uh….the…uh..

- By himself, he’s one of the most decorated tag teams ever

- TOMKO is stupid

- He dots his “T’s” and crosses his “I’s”. NOT A TYPO.

Tomko ends this segment the way the whole planet would have - by calling Steiner a moron (to his back, of course). I would really like to turn the captioning on for Steiner just once, or they should give him subtitles like Don Vito. It’s as if his brain is a perpetually shaking Boggle board and whatever words get formed (or DON’T get formed) are what he spouts. This had better be an act - a man truly that dumb is a threat to himself and the planet. If this is so, he must put himself inside a Steiner Recliner of his own - only this one is electrified and is really not a recliner nor related to Steiner in any way.

TEAM 3D vs. SCOTT STEINER/TOMKO - NWA TAG TEAM TITLES

Tomko/Devon start out, but things get boring and formulaic quickly - a couple tags, heels dominating, hot tag eventually back to Devon, who hits a powerslam on Tomko for the first 2 count of the match - saved by Steiner. As 3D goes for the age-old “Whaaaaasup” spot, LAX gets involved by…..uh….attacking Tomko/Steiner? Hernandez tries to low-bridge Tomko, and Homicide has a top rope dive onto him that is countered into a bomb (no power anywhere near it). But this is enough distraction for 3D to swipe the win. I confused….expecially now as it appears that LAX is having issues with Steiner/Tomko as they scuffle. ?

WINNER: TEAM 3D

BEST PART OF MATCH: Nearly jack - just the fact that LAX was there. We’ll go with that.

OVERALL: The side thumb comes with criteria; since the match was overall weak, stupid, and pointless, it should have gotten 2 down - however, if it was designed to test LAX as faces against a perma-heel Steiner and ToMEHko, then I’ll go with that. If you disappoint, live on knowing your side thumb is now a DOWN thumb, fuckers!

Paparazzi Productions - wasting X-division stars one career at a time (damn hilarious, though): this time Sabin and Shelley fuck with Mr. Backlund. A gut buster. I wish they’d spend more time on wrestling now and again, since, y’know, “TNA - we ARE wrestling”. Yeah. And the “E” in “WWE” stands for “Entertainment……”

Another Christian Cage promo, another self-pimping before his title match - few can pull off as well as the Instant Classic. If you don’t know, now you know.

STING vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE - NWA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

Sting jumps Cage during the entrance, choking him with his fancy sparkly coat before tossing him in the ring and taking early control before the final break.

Upon return (at 9:57, might I add - fucking assholes), Cage and his heelish ways are in control now until he misses a top-rope headbutt…

*ALERT* Mike Tenay tells us in mid-match that next week, TNA presents WWE IS IMPACT as we’ll see a throw-together tag team of singles guys (Samoa Joe and Rhino) against Team 3D (ALL FACES - WM 23 anyone???!!?) for the NWA Tag Team titles! That’s not all! Gail Kim will battle Jackie Moore in a STREET FIGHT involving NO STREETS and very little fighting! Not announced, but sure to be included, were the two-minute useless squash, the endless instant replaying of not-so-cool moments, and don’t forget the ref bump in the main event - sorry; “feature contest”. END ALERT*

…which leads to Sting doing his “Sting Up” thing, followed by mighty punches (at 9:59 - you KNOW it’s ending stupid now), a gorilla slam, Stinger Splash, and a reversal of the Unprettier (which is MEGA easy to counter anyway) into the Scorpion Death Drop, but only for a 2 count. We then get a superplex from Sting before KURT ANGLE shows BACK up in the arena tearing off a neck brace to kick the piss and Jesus out of Christian for the attack earlier, but DQing Sting in the process. After Cage bails, this prompts Sting to smack Angle with his trusty bat - then we cut IMMEDIATELY to JARRING ADRENALINE RUSH! ADRENALINE RECAP!!! END!!!!!!!!

WINNER: CAGE (BY DQ)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Same as earlier; I won’t feel cheated out of my PPV dollars if I order this one to catch that mach for REAL.

OVERALL: Merely another cocktease. Basically just a reason to turn Sting vs. Christian Cage into a triple threat with Angle (PREDICITON ALERT). It was obvious that this match wasn’t going to be phenomenal, nor was it going to end cleanly or clearly - it was just a matter of HOW it happened. I’m being easier on it because it was at least a small match with a more unexpected ending than it could have had.

OVERALL SHOW RATING: Sense a theme here? I guess you could call this score an average. It was like a mini-TNA PPV; two title matches - complete with letdown. No quality wrestling other that the hiccup of a match that was the X-Division Complicated Fuck Suicide Match or whatever. Other than that match, there was really only two other things that had entertainment value; first being the Roode/Young/Jarrett segment - it’s nice to see that finally go SOMEWHERE rather than just staying put and slow-killing Young and Roode simultaneously. Secondly, and much more unintentional, was the Scott Steiner promo - an abortion of language. Overall, the show just felt off; they really need to figure something out. It was definitely better than some, but also definitely worse than most.