Raw is (not) live this week from the good ol’ United Kingdom….and we open with more McMahon - Shane McMahon. Just a couple short weeks ago I was excited to hear Shane’s music hit when Raw began. Now, I feel nothing….

Ok, now to the promo goodness. Shane tells us right away that Lashley won’t be here tonight. You’d better fucking PROMISE this time….He reminds those that may have forgotten of all the wrongdoings that Lashley had done that have caused great grief, like stinking up main events and totally ruining the legacy of a championship. Oh, he means to the McMahon family. We now get video replay of his latest wrongdoing from last week, as the “fan” Santino Marella became the IC Champion due to Lashley’s unscheduled appearance. Now fans all over the world are waiting for THEIR chance to be able to jump the railing and become a champion. Way to string people along and then shatter their dreams, WWE…

*MINI RANT ALERT* How FUCKING sad is it that I cared more about the Intercontinental title when a FAN (I know he’s not really a fan, but Undertaker doesn’t really dig graves either so eat me) wins it out of nowhere than I have in the last few months? You can’t tell me you don’t have an undercard that can actually contend for a smaller championship, especially when the main title is so firmly planted around the waist of its current holder that he used the belt’s image as his fucking album cover. I’m all about the occasional swerve, but I shouldn’t have been near as excited as I was last week, that’s for damn sure. SHELTON BENJAMIN. Subliminal hint there…

Back to reality, Shane tells us that, similar to last week, someone here tonight will get the chance to slay a dragon. Back away from reality, apparently…if only there really was a dragon coming from the back. I bet his pyros would put fucking Kane’s to complete shame. Shane shatters this fantasy by clarifying that he is the dragon. And here I thought that STEPHANIE was the fire-breathing murderous beast of the McMahon family….

After scanning the crowd, Shane, naturally, finds no one tough enough to face him in a no DQ match tonight - which he can tell by merely looking around an arena for seconds. Instead, he brings out the “toughest guy in the UK”, who apparently is some wank named Robbie Brookside. This guy comes out from the back looking like a mixture of every thrash metal guitarist from the late 80s and Edge, and also looks about as tough as a whip cream pie. Apparently we’re going to have a match.

SHANE MCMAHON vs. ROBBIE BROOKSIDE - NO DQ MATCH (IT WOULD BE INTERESTING IF THERE WERE DQ, HOWEVER, AS I LIKE ICE CREAM…DUMB JOKE)

How the FUCK can you be the toughest guy in England with that name? The answer becomes quickly obvious - you can’t be, as Shane proceeds to school this penis. Yeah, I called him a penis. At any rate, Shane gets this guy down in the corner and digs out the trash can to set up and nail the coast-to-coast spot.

Instead of going for the pin, however, Shane goes for the microphone instead. He tells us that he forgot to mention that it was a handicap match with Umaga. Thanks for remembering, asshole.

SHANE (AND NOW UMAGA) vs. ROBBIE BROOKSIDE

Umaga begins his beating of this jobber, complete with endless JR motor vehicle references (Samoan Bulldozer! He’s like a semi-truck! Like a demolition derby!). We are treated to the running ass of doom and a top rope splash. This fucker is thoroughly squashed, but I guess Shane’s not done as he grabs the mic again and tells everyone - to their immeasurable excitement - that it’s actually a THREE on one match, as Vince himself is the third partner. He comes out wearing a polyester suit and a derby. A fucking DERBY.

SHANE, UMAGA, AND NOW FUCKING VINCE vs. WHO THE FUCK CARES AT THIS POINT

Vince makes the cover.

WINNERS: THE TEAM OF GUYS THAT BEAT UP THE ONE GUY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Lashley REALLY isn’t here, or he’d most definitely have ran in, so the best part is that he’s not here.

OVERALL: A waste of the first 20 minutes of Raw. I guess it was supposed to be a message to Lashley showing the dominance of this three-man team - like beating up a scrappy buttrocker-looking Englishman is supposed to be convincing. I know if I were Lashley I’d so NOT be watching the fuck out right now. One thing about this match that makes me laugh: they went to Italy, and that crowd got to see some dude come from their audience and win the god damn IC title. England, however, gets one of their own, well, owned by three fucking dudes. Take THAT, UK. For no reason at all.

We then get word that Lashley vs. Umaga will be the main event of ECW. Yeah - the very same two dudes who put on a shit-pile main event on Raw a few short weeks ago will have the epic shit-pile rematch on the show that will lose nothing, for it has no soul anymore and can’t possibly suffer anymore. It will suck again - they HAVE to know that - and yet they still book it again. I will never understand.

They then show a looooong package pimping the Cena/Michaels match for later tonight. The NON-TITLE rematch, I might add….so we might see HBK take this one. God knows he wouldn’t if the Abomination were up for grabs.

Back from commercial, we get our first REAL match of the evening.

MATT HARDY (w/ JEFF) vs. TREVOR MURDOCH (w/ LANCE)

Never saw this one coming….tag team “rivalry” booking at its finest.

BTW - Re-Todd Grisham + Ring Announcing = Suck

Matt begins this one in control until Murdoch stops Matt’s mighty second rope offense by sweeping his feet out from under him. Murdoch then goes way old-school with elbows and a sleeper, but Matt’s all about the new school and says fuck that sleeper shit, I want my silly moves like the Side Effect, which would be a much cooler move if it actually HAD side effects when applied:

“Matt Hardy hits the Side Effect, and suddenly Murdoch is dizzy and is suffering from minor stomach pain! This allows Matt Hardy to tag in Jeff and allow him to do a much cooler move and get the win! Murdoch may not be able to compete next week, as he may have blurred vision or a skin irritation!”

Nah, it would still be lame. Match ends after Matt hits the second rope AAHHHHHH leg drop, but Murdoch manages to nail Matt with what looked like a fucked-up backdrop counter to a piledriver, but I guess was supposed to be some kind of Canadian Destroyer looking thingy. What it ended up being was crap, but it took Matt out.

WINNER: TREVOR MURDOCH (NOW WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN WHO’S LEAVING BACKLASH WITH THE BELTS - HINT: THEIR NAMES END IN “HARDY”)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Nothing in particular - we’ll just say it wasn’t very long.

OVERALL: Standard Raw match by anyone’s scale. I guess after seeing this match, I’m supposed to care more about a Backlash tag-team title match between these two teams because I’ve seen them in the ring with each other about three times now in some way, shape, or form and have been given zero reason to believe that at the PPV it’s going to be any better than that. Yep. Not sold. To the surprise of no one.

Apparently, in addition to Cena/Michaels, we get Orton/Edge. If that match really does happen, WWE are officially the biggest retards in existence for letting that one on free TV. Yeah - the BIGGEST RETARDS IN EXISTENCE. I fucking said it.

MILENA vs. MARIA - BATTLE OF THE “NOT NAKED YETS”

Like Maria has any chance here. Not even the mighty Ashley and her star-marked elbows of doom could take out the fearsome Women’s champion. And not even God himself can make this all go away….

Ah, the match. Milena dominates with her heel chicky-ness, until Maria hits her with a surprisingly not blown headscissors. That will be the end of it, however, as Milena hair-pull-face-slams Maria down for the win. THAT WAS AWESOME……THAT WAS AWESOME….

Clarification: Milena is not a wrestler. Maria is not a wrestler. The women’s championship is not a title. It is a symbol to shut the feminists up. They are models and exist only to taunt their male demographic audience with their chests and bottoms. The belt is an excuse to show said chests and bottoms in mildly erotic positions as they simulate a fight. Just so everyone is up to par on that.

WINNER: MILENA (BUT WHO REALLY CARES)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Maria. Let’s just say I’d give her my own version of the headscissors…

OVERALL: Barely long enough to call it a match, and wouldn’t even warrant the “diva score” if it weren’t for Maria’s presence. I tire of Milena - can we shoot her and get another one?

Then we go from poo to FUCKING TURDS as, upon return from break, I am graced with the presence of the Punjabi Pile himself - the Great Khali. Worship the suck. Worship it. I’m all for worshiping him, as long as we can build a statue of him that he is trapped inside….

KHALI vs. KHARLITO

I don’t care. I will try. It will be hard. Khali no-sells him, waddles around, gets eye-raked, side-steps Carlito’s top rope dropkick, head-chops him, chokebombs him, then pins him with one foot. I shoot self in head, for it is the only true escape, as I am unable to not watch or look away.

WINNER: THE PILE, AND DEFINITELY NOT THE UK

BEST PART OF MATCH: Nothing IN the match, but afterwards, Carlito teased heel by shouting at Ric Flair in Spanish. That was cool.

OVERALL: Same shit, different toilet.

This whole block of waste leads into a backstage segment with Mick Foley, who gets his cheap pop, then reminds us of the Make-A-Wish kid’s booking of the Backlash main event, which spawns an interruption from Edge. Shockingly enough, Edge cuts somewhat of a face promo, thanking Mick for allowing him to go through three people to win his third championship, saying that after Cena/HBK kill each other, and he takes out Orton then the title will be his, and leaves by telling him “good book”. Wow. It must be all that hanging around with the perma-cock Orton that’s leading to an unforseeen face run for Edge. Either that or that fucking Cena guy getting the “defiant crowd” reaction everywhere he goes. One or the other.

As we approach Vince o’clock, we get another preview for the Condemned. F. F!! F!!!

But, as the clock strikes Vince, we actually see HBK walking towards the ring, and running into Mr. Cena. John reminds Shawn (he he - ShawnJohn - the new line of apparel for champ marines and God-loving degenerates) that he can’t possibly be the better man if he’s not the champ. I would argue that point, but it’s about a year and a half too late for anyone to listen. Sexy Boy starts playing and HBK is on the way to the ring for our apparent main event.

Side note: This promo clued me in on something. Cena can’t lose the belt because “The Champ” is his nickname. Where ever would he be without it? That would be like calling yourself a “monster” without actually being able to scare anyone, or “the worlds greatest” when you consistently lose to inferior wrestlers each week…..you see? Ask no further…

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JOHN CENA

Cena Reaction Report: Mixed at first, but then goes into full on worldwide standard - general dislike and rejection. Sorry, pal. Maybe try South Africa?

Both guys hit the ring and get checked for knives before we ring the bell. Shawn starts in control, with Cena countering his way out of things and attempting the STFU early twice, both eluded by HBK, which is a good thing because JR tells us that the STFU is “lethal.” That would explain why people that shouldn’t have tapped to the hold (see: H, Triple, Angle, Kurt, and Benoit, Chris) eventually gave up - they didn’t want to fucking DIE.

Match is back & forth on the ground now, then is back & forth on the feet as Cena trades a chop from HBK into a closed-fist punch (which are legal in wrestling as long as you’ve got a doctorate in Thuganomics), which startles HBK as we go to break….

…and a break it was, apparently for the wrestlers too, as they’re both right where we left them. Cena then gets a side headlock on HBK, which he has locked in for like two straight minutes before the escape. However, we take a trip down Chinlock Lane (where Orton has his own fucking cul-de-sac) as Cena applies the mighty hold on a freshly escaped HBK. Maybe he’ll go heel - it’s a good sign.

The crowd starts the split “Let’s go Cena! Cena sucks!” chant, with mostly women shouting the former, as Cena clothslines Shawn and we’re back to the chinlock. Finally, we see Shawn start to build, but after a tiny inspirational little flurry, we’re back in the fucking chinlock. And I thought two weeks ago was Chin Music vs. Chin Lock. Michaels now says fuck you and your rest-holdy-ness (I’m sure he didn’t say fuck) and goes for a superkick off an irish whip, but Cena thwarts the plan by grabbing the ropes and going for an F-U, which HBK squirms out of and over the top rope to the outside, where we go to a second commercial?

Back this time, we’re returning to the side headlock from Cena, but HBK heels his way out of this one and begins to chop until Cena retaliates with the punches and a slam for a 2-count. Now Cena’s in control, hitting his fisherman’s quasi-suplex move and actually busts out the Throwback, which prompts the announce team to act like they’ve never seen it before in their lives - can’t say I blame them for reacting that way..

Michaels builds a comeback after an awesome swinging neckbreaker, which leads to the forearm, nip-up, atomic drop, scoop slam, elbowdrop, alert the world of the impending superkick sequence i.e. HIS 5 moves of doom. However, instead of nailing the kick, he hooks Cena into a backslide for a 2 count, then counters Cena’s next move - the oh-so-predictable shoulderblock - by ducking it and watching Cena crash to the floor. This prompts HBK to go for the vaulting bodypress to the outside, but Cena catches him - but all is cool for Cena for about three seconds as Michaels squirms free and pushes Cena into the steps as we take a THIRD break. This has to be some kind of record for match length as of late - now I see the reason for the seventeen fucking side headlocks. I recant my animosity.

Upon return, our friends are back in the ring with HBK in control, working on the left arm of Cena by throwing him into the ringpole. He continues working the arm with submissions and attempting to pin him, until Cena manages to begin his doom sequence, but HBK escapes the mighty F-U, only to miss the superkick and actually get hit with the second attempted F-U. He kicks out! People can kick out of the F-U? Another break!

Back this time, and Cena’s got control now, tossing HBK to the floor and slamming him back-first into the ringpole. They’re both working their asses off here. Back in the ring, Cena just starts pounding on HBK’s back before hitting a vertical suplex, only to return to working Shawn’s back. Am I seeing Cena work smart by exploiting the known weak spot of Shawn Michaels? Cena then locks in a bearhug, which JR mentions that he’s never seen Cena use this hold in all of his previous encounters with HBK. What - all ONE of them? That’s hardly a big deal.

Shawn does escape, but gets tossed outside yet again only to get tossed back INSIDE by Cena so he can hit a top rope legdrop.

Cena = surprising the shit out of me.

Cena then goes for a top-rope F-U TWICE, but Shawn counters with a fucking powerbomb.

This match = surprising the shit out of me.

Both men down now; as the standing count hits 9, Cena again goes for the STFU, but HBK counters by kicking him to the ring apron, then knocking him into the announce table. Shawn follows him out there and goes to piledrive him on the stair-half, but takes a backdrop to the floor as we go to the FIFTH commercial break!

It’s a 50 fucking minute match up to this point, by the way. Fucks be holy!

Now we’ve got brawling on top of the announce table with Cena pounding HBK and can be heard saying “he just won’t stay down!”. The fight moves to the ring, where Cena FINALLY locks in the LETHAL STFU. Remember, HBK - you may die! Instead, he fights…..reaches……starts to fade……and grabs the ropes! Cena holds on for almost the whole 5 count before breaking.

HBK’s still on the ropes, but then goes for a superkick out of nowhere, Cena counters to the F-U, which is recountered into the superkick! He goes for the pin, but Cena’s got the ropes before 3!

Wow.

Both guys are totally spent at this point, but they get to their feet, trade one last series of blows before Cena tries ANOTHER F-U, which is countered into ANOTHER Sweet Chin Music…..which leads to the CLEAN 1-2-3!!

Holy shit. In fact, multiple “holy shits”.

WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS (AND THE MANY RAW FANS WHO TOTALLY NEEDED A MATCH LIKE THIS)

BEST PART OF MATCH: It went an HOUR - and pulled it off, not to mention Cena lost CLEAN (it can happen, I guess) in a match where he loses NOTHING as a result. Awesome all around.

OVERALL: Phenomenal. I do not hand the two thumbs up out like candy, that’s for sure. If Cena never earned that championship on any other night, he earned it tonight. Not only was it better (and longer) than their match at Wrestlemania, but it was quite possibly the best John Cena match I’ve ever seen. I actually was on the edge of my seat because, for the first time in forever, I actually didn’t know who was going to win. I’m in shock and disbelief and can’t even make a joke about this. See? THIS is what can happen if Cena doesn’t always “overcome the fucking odds”….you get something that works - unpredictability. Now, I’m not marking out for this just because Cena lost; I honestly would have been just fine if he would have HIT that last F-U and pinned HBK, because he would have done something he rarely does - earned the win. Huge props all around - a standing ovation from me.

After the match, HBK poses with the Abomination and then does the crotch chop over him. Y’know, I really don’t care now that he’ll retain at Backlash - just so long as someone finally showed he’s human. Pigs may be flying through a frozen hell, but he is human. 

OVERALL SHOW: A direct and clear split for this show. First hour was a mish-mash of pointlessness and bullshit. Same boring Raw crap we deal with every week. However, the second hour was fantastic; the longest TV match in a long, long time - HUGE props to Raw for doing that. HBK proved that he’s still got it, and John Cena showed the fuck up tonight. I have been a critic of his title reign and his push, and on this night I am silenced. They could easily fuck it all up next week, but until then, Cena - you’re ok in my book. I salute you - just don’t fucking salute me back.