Raw kicks off with McMahon. SHANE McMahon, who’s getting cheers for being “Shane”, and boos for being “McMahon”. What I was hoping would be different actually becomes more of the god damn same as Shane O’Mac tells us that the McMahon name used to garner respect and fear (funny, that’s not usually what it garners for me…), but now it’s being laughed at because of bald-ass Vince. He reminds all none of you that forgot that it was indeed Bobby Lashley’s fault that the McMahon name is being ridiculed and he calls his ass out. Maybe he won’t come out - he IS on another brand, y’know…

No luck, as “Sergeant Superpush” heads down to the ring wearing a suit - maybe that means he’s not wrestling tonight! Shane tells him that he took the McMahon family dignity, so tonight he’s taking the only thing that he cares about - the ECW title. Well, at least SOME ONE cares about the belt….either way, he makes a match for the belt between himself and Lashley that will likely become the main event now.
Cue Umaga now, but Shane tells them to back off. Un-cue Umaga. Back in the ring, Lashley ups the stakes by having Shane put HIS hair on the line if he loses. Shane accepts! It’s the Battle Of The…Uhhh…Guys!!!! Maybe this is Lashley’s new gimmick - mess with him, you get BALDED. Something like that…

Our first match of the night will NOT kick things off with a bang, but if there was a “bang” involved it might be a more entertaining segment overall:

MICKIE JAMES/CANDICE MICHELLE vs. MILENA/VICTORIA - DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH (TWICE THE BOOBIES, TWICE THE POINTLESSNESS!)

A few things before we start on the match. First of all, Mickie’s not wearing the skirt thing anymore, so I can’t even fall back on that part and I already care less than usual. Secondly, Milena’s entrance is not that cool when she’s wearing wrestling tights, and despite the fact that it’s cool and all that she can do the splits, calling it the best ring entrance ever is putting it a bit high on the scale, dont’cha think?

To the match, now - things get sloppy early with Mickie & Milena, then we get Candice who actually looks better in the ring than the other two girls - at least until she gets kicked in her babymaker by Victoria.

Heels in control at this point, including a bow-and-arrow like submission from Milena on Candice that would have been damned interesting and perhaps a bit erotic had they had that ladder match camera up there…

Back to reality, we get the hot (hotter with the skirt) tag to Mickie, who hits the Shark Boy neckbreaker, then the sloppy-looking Mickie DDT thing for the pinfall on Victoria.

WINNERS: MICKIE & CANDICE

BEST PART OF MATCH: My fallback is gone, so I don’t think I even know….we’ll just say Milena wasn’t screaming at all. That was nice.

OVERALL: I’ve seen much, much worse - the absence of the Useless Plastic helped this match from staying out of the toilet. However, despite the rating (which is default for Diva matches, as this is partially their purpose), there wasn’t a lot of skin in this match. If you’re going to do this, do it right, damn you.

And JUST when you thought it was over, they show footage of Vince getting his head shaved. Nothing ever ends - it just goes on fucking breaks.

We get Mick Foley backstage now with some little kid who’s “Make A Wish” wish was evidently to be the General Manager of Raw for one night. I can’t say my wish would EVER be to do anything that the fucking Coach has done, but then again, I’m not dying so I should just shut up. The kid does, however, get a hug from Maria, who was wearing approximately 1/5 of a shirt. Wish GRANTED.

Back to the area of ringside, we see FlairLito w/ Barbie heading to the ring for a match. There’s been a shitload of tag matches lately - it’s as if they’re making up for two years of not giving a shit about tag wrestling by saying “here’s some tag wrestling - now shut the fuck up”.

Before said tag wrestling, however, Carlito has something to say. He tells Ric Flair that it’s not everyday you get a wake-up call from a 16-time world champion - and here’s a reminder of just who he is as the segment quickly becomes a plug for the new Ric Flair & the Four Horsemen DVD; complete with footage!

Back from 80’s Land, Carlito also says that WHEN they win tonight (don’t EVER say “WHEN” we win - it’s a fucking curse…), they’ll get a shot at the tag team titles @ Backlash.

FLAIRLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH - APPARENTLY A #1 CONTENDERS TAG TEAM MATCH, UNLESS THAT ONLY APPLIES TO CARLITO AND FLAIR WINNING…

We take a commercial break before this match starts, so we will be joining “in progress”…why can’t we cut out the damn entrances and join the match “as it starts”?

Upon return, we see chopping. hear JR confirm that it is in fact a #1 contenders match for the tag titles, and see the match go into full-on tag formula mode as Cade/Murdoch take firm control against Flair. The evil is, of course, soon thwarted as Flair makes the hot (cool?) tag to Carlito, who brings the mighty hot tag punching before hitting his insanely expensive kneelift, but quickly learns the danger of pointless springboarding as things go awry when he MISSES. This leads to the high/low move (fuck if I remember what they call it - two clotheslines from differing directions) and the win (?) for Cade & Murdoch.

WINNERS (AND #1 CONTENDERS): CADE/MURDOCH (??)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, I guess I’d have to say the surprise ending - not so much Carlito/Flair losing, but Cade & Murdoch WINNING.

OVERALL: It was going to be one thumb side, one thumb down because the match was way too quick and way too formulaic, but I always like being surprised - even if I don’t like the result. Points for surprising me. Give yourselves an ass pat - rarely do you surprise me, Raw.

Post match, Carlito walks away looking like someone just rented the last copy of “Borat” at Blockbuster and he REALLY wanted to see it again, which would be marginally pissed.

Mini-rant alert: I know they’re building towards Carlito likely turning on Flair, but it needs to happen soon - and I have a suggestion: just have Flair steal his boo. He’s still Space Mountain, y’know, and that’ll totally get him all butt-hurt and he’ll settle it the only way a jealous EX-boyfriend knows how - springboarding and backcracking. It’s not like Torrie will suffer anything as far as HER character goes - she’s an on-screen whore anyway whose been with so many different dudes in storyline that she could justify the whole relationship by telling him the only reason she got with Carlito in the first place was to black out the “Puerto Rican” square on her “Whore Bingo” card - a game she’s probably now beating Lita at….

Up next, we get a VERY special look at “The Condemned”. Not just special, bitches - VERY special, so start feeling special. They really should have put Cena in this movie too so there would be some REAL drama as far as the one guy who gets to live in the end. I’d go see that one.

Backstage with Shane & Coach, who gets his hand slapped when he tries to touch Shane’s hair. If Shane’s supposed to be the scum-sucking bad guy, slapping and belittling Coachman is not the avenue by which to achieve that goal. Coach offers him some guidance for tonight’s match with Lashley, Shane more or less tells him to fuck off and leave.

We then jump from one tool to another as Re-Todd Grisham is backstage with HBK. Shawn lets us know that nice guys don’t finish first (read: I’M GONNA BE THE BAD GUY!! STOP BOOING CENA!!) and tonight’s match will be won by the guy who wants it more. Orton interrupts on that note, saying HBK’s days as top contender are over. Shawn retorts by telling Orton he’s the 1000th guy to tell him that, and as a prize he’ll get new dentures - he’ll need them after he gets his teeth kicked out of his face (and NOT down his throat, which is usually what he says will happen - HBK means SERIOUS BUSINESS tonight, Randy). Orton’s all like whatever as we head to the kinda-sorta-should be-main event.

RANDY ORTON vs. SHAWN MICHAELS - #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

We actually have a match WITHOUT McMahon here at Vince o’clock as Orton’s out first, but then wait! HBK’s got the “Sexy Boy” music back!!!! Maybe God finally got tired of being an honorary member of DX and told them to stop pretending. Or maybe they’re actually turning HBK heel again and didn’t want that DX reaction mucking up the waters - even though people actually popped LOUDER for him tonight. Whatever the reason, shits I give not as this match automatically gets at least one thumbs up JUST for doing that. My, how my scale standards have dropped….

Lockups & counters begin the match as things stay even until Orton’s heelish ways put him in control first. Shawn says fuck that noise and brings heelish ways of his own, starting with a chop block and then he goes to work on the knees & legs of Orton. This, of course, leads to the figure-4, which is, of course, countered by Orton kicking HBK via the ass into the ringpole.

Now things are bound to get even more heelish as Edge heads to ringside, who distracts Orton just long enough to get himself rolled up for a 2 count, and it’s that exciting note that we cut to commercial….

…only to return at the tail end of Orton’s famed chinlock. Shawn fights out, but winds up taking that 2nd rope DDT thing Orton does to keep him in control at this point. Being that he is now in control, Orton starts up the “patented” appendage stomping. I’d REALLY like to see the patent application on that:

“So what is this you’re patenting, Mr. Orton?”

“Well, you see, it’s this thing I do where I stomp on a guy, but instead of staying & stomping one spot, I stop around you in a circle”

“Like some kind of stupid-ass stomping rain dance thing?”

“Kind of…”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Get out of here..”

Back to the match - Michaels attempts a comeback, but all is thwarted by a second chinlock - something told me he wasn’t done. Shawn manages to fight his way out (which isn’t hard, being that it IS just a chinlock), while Edge stands on the outside like a drunk freshman college chick in Mexico on Spring Break (i.e. you know he’s going to fuck someone - you’re just not sure who). More back & forth until Shawn nails the referee with his forearm dive instead of Orton, but continues the combo anyway, finishing with the top-rope elbow and then alerting the world of the impending superkick. Enter Edge finally, as he grabs the foot, allowing Orton to clothesline him to the outside.

They’re both in front of Edge now as Orton RKO’s HBK on the FLOOR. Ow. This leads to Shawn being tossed back in the ring and some words exchanged between Orton & Edge. The natural progression of THAT conversation ends up in fisticuffs and the inevitable countered-RKO followed by a Spear. Edge rolls a laid-out Orton into the ring next to the laid-out HBK, then tries to revive the referee, who is STILL barely moving. HBK must have a Luger forearm or something….

A new ref comes down instead and makes the standing 10 count; they both get up at 9, but HBK superkicks Orton and falls on him for the three count. HOWEVER, both of his shoulders were down as well (even though NO part of Orton was touching HBK) and the other referee rules that Orton won the match. I guess it’s still a pinfall because HBK was on top of Orton and therefore there was contact. This must be a WWE-only rule or else we would have seen Samoa Joe lose WAY earlier than after a year. Either way, nothing is solved here, so Edge just declares that HE should be the number one contender and HIS music plays while Orton/HBK are assisted to the back.

WINNER: ORTON, MICHAELS, AND APPARENTLY EDGE TOO

BEST PART OF MATCH: “I’m just a sexy boy….I’m not your boy toy….”

OVERALL: It got the automatic thumbs up just for the “Sexy Boy” theme, but it was still a good TV match despite the “square peg round hole” ending (the finish that we’re really trying to force into making sense, but pretty much looking dumb in the process). They at least made the match seem like the semi-big deal that it truly was. I’m big on that whole “points for trying” thing…

Back from break, we review the finish - showing pretty much without a doubt that Michaels would have been the winner and anyone that makes the argument the other way is just being a douchebag….

….and the FIRST person to make that argument is of course Randy Orton himself. He busts in on Shane McMahon bitching that HE won and what happened out there was unfair (YOU got superkicked, jerky…). Shane gives him the “go talk to your mother” tone and tells Orton that stuff like that is Coach’s problem.

We now discover that the barber shop setup has returned from hell as it is back up at the top of the ramp as clever foreshadowing for the match to come.

And we’re backstage again with the kid GM and Foley, who runs into Val Venis, Super Crazy, Cryme Tyme, Johnny Nitro (who showed up just to mean-mug Mick), and eventually Coach, who, before he can be a total prick to the kid, gets pulled away by Edge who likely wants to bitch about the #1 contenders situation as well.

Slam of the Week is the Hardys winning the tag team titles. Guess who’s coming out next?

HARDYS vs. (BY NO MEANS THE) WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM: NON-TITLE OF COURSE

Begins with Matt vs. Haas, then quickly becomes Jeff vs. Haas (and it is at this point that I finally ask “what the FUCK has been hanging out of his back pocket the last couple years? A hanky that can reach all the way to Smackdown to wipe Matt’s tears away? A fly strip to catch all the stray flies that he doesn’t swat away during his entrance? His emergency line he can follow back to TNA (or, as we’ve seen now, the WWE)? Someone TELL me!!). Jeff attempts to go high-risk early, and gets an AMAZING kick from Benjamin that was basically Shelton jumping to the top rope to spring up and spin kick Jeff in the head. I really can’t describe it - and that’s a good thing.

Benjamin = Underused MUCH too much.

WGTT is in control until Jeff hits the “you caught my leg now feel my flippy twisty kick WRATH!” to get the tag to Matt, who comes in and hits all his Matt spots. Haas gets served to the outside, which leads to a Twist of Fate from Matt and a Swanton from Jeff for the very quick victory.

WINNERS: HARDYS

BEST PART OF MATCH: Shelton’s kick spot.

OVERALL: I REALLY wanted to give these guys a better ranking, but it was just too short and way too one-sided considering the talent Benjamin & Haas are supposed to have. They’re the WORLDS GREATEST aren’t they? Maybe not - now they’re pretty much just a semi-credible team that is used to give other teams a rub (even when they don’t need the rub - see above).

Edge is shown heading to the ring; he looks like he just blew the Coach to get the #1 contender’s spot. But isn’t that kid in charge tonight? That would mean that Edge would have…we’re just going to stop that shit RIGHT there. He is only “Rated R”….that would be a bit NC-17. Apparently the “Cutting Edge” is next. I wish the show was called “Cutting Cena” - then maybe someone else would get to be champion. Share the fucking wealth, ya prick!

Before that, however, we get ANOTHER look at the Condemned - far from the last one I’m sure. It’s a movie based strongly on “pure reality TV”. I’ll repeat that: a MOVIE based on PURE REALITY TV. These scripts HAVE to be written by WWE writers - I’m convinced.

THE CUTTING EDGE (w/ GUEST JOHN CENA)

Edge is in the ring and, of course, comments on the contendership. He mentions that both Orton and HBK LOST (but, to be technical, they both WON too), and Coach agrees that Edge should be number one contender (he fucking would - he’s a tool). This is promptly interrupted by Orton, who is pissed and yelling as Edge bails from the ring. Orton mentions that Coach told HIM that HE should be number one contender (he fucking would - he’s a tool). This is promptly interrupted by HBK. Shawn reminds us that he’s a better man than everyone else and the match at Backlash should be the rematch of all rematches. I’d be the first to argue that another HBK/Cena match would be THE rematch of ALL rematches. Maybe the 135th rematch of all rematches…anyway, this is promptly interrupted by John Cena.

Cena Reaction Report: Very mixed.

Cena makes some random jokes about the three guys packages before he gets to talking about the WWE title. He tells Edge that he fought him in HIS match on HIS turf and still couldn’t win the belt, he tells Orton that it’s HIS fault he’s never gotten a shot because he never had the balls to step up to Cena (cause we all know he’d have accepted it - never back down, never quit, y’know..), and tells HBK if he wants some, come get some - basically just a medley of his t-shirt slogans. By the way, he did ALL of that to virtually NO reaction from the crowd.

Of course we get the Coach’s music, who tells us that since Edge & Orton were the only two to go backstage and blow him….I mean bitch to him, that they’re the two number one contenders (TWO number ONE contenders….) and they get to face Cena in a handicap match where the winner of the belt will be the first man to pin Cena.

Foley interrupts this little charade and reminds everyone that Coach doesn’t make the big decisions tonight, but our Make A Wish kid gets to. He comes out and overrides Coach’s brainfart idea with the actual Backlash match: A fourple threat match: Cena vs. Orton vs. Edge vs. HBK in a “Cena can go over all contenders at once until HHH gets back” match. At least it’s not a “Wrestlemania, only CHEAPER” Backlash main event….

Up next is our main event: Shane vs. Lashley. Didn’t they learn from last week that Lashley + Raw main event = poo? Doesn’t he have another fucking show he can main event? Get off my Raw, asshole! Go be extreme or whatever it is you guys do on Tuesdays…

And here I was thinking that, if ANYTHING ended as far as Wrestlemania 23 was concerned, it would be this whole angle. Instead, we’re force-fed another retarded “Not gonna fire you, but instead make your life a living hell even though I should have fucking learned by now that it always blows up in my face” McMahon angles. It’s just HAIR - it’s not like he raped your sisters and daughters or anything. That whole dignity thing is overrated anyway….

SHANE MCMAHON vs. BOBBY LASHLEY: ECW TITLE vs. SHANE’S HAIR

I was ALSO wrong about Lashley wrestling tonight - I was just HOPING that the suit meant we’d be spared. We were not spared.

Shane attacks Lashley before the bell, throwing him into the ringpole and stairs (just go for the nuts, Shane! That’s how your daddy beat him! Not that you will or anything….). Y’know, having Shane as ECW Champion really doesn’t sound too bad….has Big Show ever been thrown through a sheet of glass by Kurt Angle? Fuck you he has! That and, if Shane WERE champ, that would mean Lashley ISN’T! It will not happen.

Bell finally sounds and Shane’s still in control until Lashley hits an ugly belly-to-belly overhead suplex, leading to Shane CLOCKING the referee in the face to get himself DQed. Fucking figures…

WINNER: LASHLEY (NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH….)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, shit…..Khali wasn’t in it.

OVERALL: the two “fuck yous” are reserved for Khali matches, but this one came damn close. As far as a “match” - there was nothing that could even classify it as such. Terrific main event that reminds us who signs the paychecks - in case you’re a fucking mongoloid and forgot who runs WWE, even though those same paycheck signers have seemingly forgotten what the “E” in their company’s acronym stands for….

As one would figure, this is far from over as Umaga, Estrada, and Vince head to the ring (that almost sounds like some progressive rock band name - U.E.V. for short). Lashley has a tiny burst of offense, but then it’s all assholes from there. Umaga beats his ass, then beats him WITH his ass, followed by Shane swinging a chair for the fences on Lashley’s dome. More beating, then Vince grabs the mic, takes off the silly hat, and tells him that if he wants to take away his dignity, then we’ll see Lashley vs. Umaga, Shane, and Vince for the ECW title at Backlash. His quote: “The ECW title will come to the McMahons..” Something tells me it already has….

Show ends with a thumb up (from Umaga to Lashley) and a thumb down (from the crowd, as they again show their approval of this whole thing by starting up a “BORING” chant)

OVERALL SHOW: It REALLY feels like Wrestlemania never happened. Same storylines, same contenders, same bullshit. Apparently the Road To Wrestlemania keeps going until we run full-speed into “Same-Old-Shit-Ville”. Other than the Hardys becoming tag champs again, literally NOTHING is different, and showing no signs of being different. I’m tired of the McMahons still being the focus of Raw, and now that their big angle involves Umaga & Lashley (which is becoming a fucking black hole of meh - making even the slightly interesting parts of Raw be totally forgotten), I am ensured that no matter what the combination, it all equals two wasted championship belts and a whole lot of suck all the way around. And here I was hoping that post-Mania, shit would start to get much better. Shows what I get for being the optimist, eh?

I’m longing for a Cena vs. Lashley match so the combined forces of their insane pushes causes them both to explode into molecules.

And that’s the note I leave it on….