Hey, it’s the first Raw after “the GLOBAL PHENOMENON!!!!” The Road to Wrestlemania, instead of ending, will now just become the “Road to Backlash-A-Mania” as very little is likely to change. Just you watch…

SEE!!! No music, no pyro, ALL CENA to start off Raw (who, if ya didn’t know by now, is ALL CHAMP still).
Cena Reaction Report: Mixed, then loud, audible boos over scattered cheers.

The champ is still fucking here. He reminds us of this, but doesn’t get to say anything else as D+ heads to the ring. All one of them. I figured as much - there was no way this was ending at ‘Mania. Nothing seems to any more.

Anyway, HBK’s on the mic and he reminds us that the match was really only about one thing: winning or losing. Thanks Madden - I suppose next you’re going to tell me that the key to victory is to pin your opponent for a total of a three count. Either way, Shawn lets all of us know that he didn’t like losing to Cena (who would?) and that he’s tired of telling people they’re the better man when he loses, so this time he does not do that which he is tired of and says Cena is NOT the better man.

It is now Cena’s rebuttal as he says exactly what you’d expect him to: if that’s a challenge, I accept, any time, any place. Of course you do. This is the guy that’s ruled the world for two straight years off of closed fist punching and a fireman’s carry scoop slam. He will rule YOUR world, too.

HBK, in true face slash heel fashion, says he’s not busy now…which should cue the Coach at any second now…

Yup.

Super Tool comes out and declares that there will be NO WWE Title match tonight, but it seems that they’d forgotten that they were tag team champions. Funny - so did pretty much the rest of the world when you assholes gave them the belts. Either way, tonight they will defend the belts in a 10 TEAM (!) over-the-top battle royal (10 “teams” meaning “paired together for no reason other than the fact that we need to feed 18 guys from ALL THREE BRANDS to Cena/Michaels” I am so seriously out of brand extension jokes - it’s no longer extending anything. It’s just fucktarded). And guess what? That match starts now!

10 TEAM BATTLE ROYAL FOR WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHAIN GANGERATION-X, KENNY/CHRIS MASTERS (EH?), KING BOOKER/FINLAY, ELIJAH BURKE/MATT STRIKER, SABU/RVD, HIGHLANDERS, DEUCE & DOMINO, HACKSAW/EUGENE, CRYME TYME

By the way, if you look closely, you will see that there are only 9 teams in there. THEY FUCKED UP! THEY FUCKED UP!

Wow! That’s where all those guys went…they were waiting to be fed to Cena/HBK. Anyhow, right when we get back from the break, we see Kenny eliminated, therefore Masters is out too. Thanks, partner. See if I ever team with your skinny ass again. Then things just go all kinds of battle royal CLUSTERFUCKY to the point to where it’s pointless to call this thing - you’ve seen one Royale w/ Cheese, you’ve seen this one. Here’s the order of elimination:

1. Masters/Kenny

2. Cryme Tyme

3. Eugene/Hacksaw

4. Highlanders

5. Deuce & Domino

6. New Breed

7. RVD/Sabu

Final two are Cena/HBK and Booker/Finlay. They have a tiny little quasi-match before Finlay takes Sweet Chin Music for the final elimination.

WINNERS (AND STILL POINTLESS): CENA/HBK (AND NOT MOST OF RAW, SMACKDOWN, OR ECW)

Just when I was about to give this whole thing the double finger and ask what the screaming bloody FUCK the point of all this was, Coach shows up AGAIN and says that we’re not done - there will be a SECOND 10-team (!!!!) battle royal that starts guess when? RIGHT NOW!!

Quick question - what fucking hidden pocket were they keeping all these tag teams in? Doesn’t this just prove that it’s even MORE ridiculous to have Cena/HBK hold the belts when there are plenty of teams to go around? It does - it’s a fucking rhetorical question. Don’t answer it.
SECOND 10-TEAM BATTLE ROYAL FOR WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHAIN GANGERATION-X, HARDYS, KENDRICK/LONDON (?), MONTY BROWN/KEVIN THORN, SANDMAN/DREAMER, TAYLOR/REGAL, VISCERA/VAL VENIS, CADE/MURDOCH, HELMS/CHAVO, MIZ/NITRO (IF THIS IS WHAT I GET BECAUSE MERCURY’S A FUCKER THEN DAMN SOMEONE’S SOUL…)

It’s Clusterfuck 2 - Clusterfuck Harder here as we get more of the same, but a lot of it. Again, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. Here’s the second order:

1. Viscera/Val (they did the smart thing and just tossed Val’s ass out instead of the “ring mobs the fat ass” spot)

2. Regal/Taylor

3. Dreamer/Sandman

4. Nitro/Miz (may you never team again)

5. Cena/Michaels (!)

This needs to be mentioned as it was HBK that tossed Cena’s ass out. After they eliminated Nitro & Miz, Shawn played like he had Cena’s back, then like the true face slash heel he is, he throws Cena out to a chorus of mixture. Shit finally got interesting….why didn’t they do this BEFORE Wrestlemania to stir the pot? Oh yeah, because ‘Mania’s where shit STARTS now…..

Either way, there is finally a real point to this fucky-ocity as no matter what, we’ll see new tag champs tonight. Either Helms/Chavo (no fucking way), Kendrick/London (no fucking point), Cade/Murdoch (no fucking reason), or Hardys (no fucking DUH).

6. Chavo/Helms

7. Kendrick/London

Again it’s mini-match time as they each get a few spots in before the Hardys eliminate Murdoch.

WINNERS (AND NEW RAW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO STAY THERE AND LIKELY WILL NOT): HARDYS

BEST PART OF MATCH: HBK tossing Cena’s ass out to make sure the whole 40 minute fuckfest had a point in the end. Thank GOD…he he.

OVERALL:Most definitely a chaotic jumble of battle royal goodness, which isn’t really my thing; I just tire of the same silly shit that happens in ALL of them. But, it didn’t suck anywhere other than that, and it was very different and also a good use of 40 minutes, rather than pimping a match at ‘Mania that, after this week, everyone but McMahon will forget about. We got to see the belts finally have an inkling of purpose as they go to an actual TEAM for once (albeit a team that is split across two “brands”, but it’s a start….) Thumbs up for the payoff, thumbs down for the match.

Re-Todd is backstage with HBK - why’d he do it? WHY SHAWN WHY????? He says that the tag belts were making Cena confused about what the real focus here is - the WWE title. That’s about as far as he gets before things in the room get chinlocky as Randy Orton steps in to remind everyone that Cena can’t beat him, basic that opinion on pretty much nothing at all. Shawn tells Randy that he’s not the better man either (and definitely not the BIGGER man, as steroids + shitting (literally) on women + 30 fucking inch rims on his H2 = SMALL COCK SYNDROME. Plus, he reminds all of us on the weekly how big of a man he WISHES he was. Hey, nothing you can say….).

Oh, and Orton retorts with “We’ll see.” I’m sure we’ll see. Who the fuck else is going to see?

WM highlight package that gives the sixteen people that order the PPV encores absolutely NO reason to do so.

Now we get a backstage segment with the Coach & Vince, who is behind the camera. He tells us that he’s going to the ring to take out his frustrations on the fans. Figures. It IS almost Vince o’clock, though, as he heads to the ring, creating hijinks by running into Maria & Candace, Cryme Tyme & Eugene, and of course DAMN.

Back from commercial, it is indeed Vince o’clock as they show STILLS of McMahon & the BOTB as the Slam of the Week. You JUST showed us the footage in your video package of everything. Why…what…fuck it…..

Music hits: No hair, that’s what you’ve got…sorry, fucking fudgy am I for using that joke. Pretend it never happened. McMahon heads to the ring wearing a fedora, then grabs a mic. Basically he says that he’s sure everyone thinks this whole thing is funny, but 4-1-07 is a day that will live in infamy. How did I know he was going to go there? Leave it to Vince to compare his fucking haircut to Pearl Harbor. He’s got plenty of demerits in Hell that are just exponentially increasing by the day. Moving on, he naturally blames Steve Austin for the whole thing (while simultaneously shilling his movie somehow) and then decides that he’s just going to simply change history by having Lillian announce him as the winner of the Battle of the Billionaires. Just like that. Not that McMahon would ever try to meddle with history….

He then declares that the ECW title will be on the line tonight as Lashley defends against Umaga. I knew there had to be at least ONE rematch from the PPV - might as well make it the one that, from a wrestling standpoint, didn’t mean jack poo.

It is at this point the crowd starts chanting “We Want Austin”. Well, I want a damn HDTV too, but you don’t hear me chanting for it. Both are about as likely tonight, but Vince does seem to be stalling his promo - he tells us that his hat is surgically cemented to his head and then says something about testosterone and an all-male prison - I just quit listening after that until the inevitable interruption…

…from the Unstoppable Push himself: Lashley.

Bobby gets in the ring and then, as Vince stupidly swings at him, pulls off the hat - revealing a not at all bad looking bald Vince. Obviously McMahon thinks he looks terrible as he grabs a towel, Lawler’s crown, JR’s black hat, the ring apron, and Lillian Garcia’s skirt to cover his head up, ALL of which are ripped off by Lashley. Yes - even the skirt. McMahon scurries away.

Three things came out of this segment: we saw Vince bald (looked nearly exactly like the Photoshopped one), we set our bound-to-be-meh main event, and Lillian’s butt. He he.

Wow. We actually get a match now!

RIC FLAIR/CARLITO (SORRY BOUT THE WHOLE “NOT ON THE WRESTLEMANIA” THING) vs. WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM (OBVIOUSLY NOT IF THEY WEREN’T A PART OF THE “GLOBAL PHENOMENON”)

Lillian apparently went to get some pants on that ass as we get Re-Todd in the ring doing the announcing for this match. And, just a side note, JR’s voice is completely blown out - it’s making him even harder to listen to.
Oh, yeah - there’s a match here as official WWE Tag Team Day continues. Shelton/Carlito start things off as the formula kicks in early - quick tags & the isolation of Carlito. Lawler points out that Torrie (who is uselessly at ringside) was a “lumberjill” at Wrestlemania last night (where she stood uselessly at ringside - who’d a thunk it???). Put that shit on your resume. “I was in the Key Club”. “Well, I was a Girl Scout”. “Fuck you both - I was a LUMBERJILL!!!”. You go girl. Set those goals high.

Oh, yeah - there’s STILL a match going on here as we’re still seeing Carlito isolated. It is at this point Lawler points out how good the strategy is if they can keep Carlito away from Flair. It’s pretty much at THAT point we get the hot tag to Flair, who goes chop-nutty before being backdropped. Never seen that from Flair…

Match comes to an end when Carlito breaks up a double team attempt, allowing Flair to put Haas in the Figure-4 for the submission win.

WINNERS: CARLITO/FLAIR

BEST PART OF MATCH: There really wasn’t anything “best” about this match….but I need to pick something. So…how about….Benjamin didn’t take the loss so he’s still not buried as deep as Haas.

SCORE: A heaping spoonful of meh. I see it every week. Flair needs to retire or go to a Foley schedule, Carlito needs to dump the broad and start Backcracking good guys, Haas needs to build a time machine and go back to before he decided to go back to the “E”, and Benjamin needs to, well, be fucking utilized. DAMN.

Clips from the H.O.F. induction ceremony, which is followed up by the announcement of a Milena “photo-op” coming up next. Night and day.

Before that, however, we get a ringside interview with Timbaland. I don’t give an atom of shit. He shills the WWE as Milena heads to the ring in all her big hair/horse face glory.

Y’know, I wonder if Johnny Nitro makes her do that split thingy in the bedroom and then whirls her around on him like a board game spinner…I take that back, I’ve never wondered that.

Back to reality - Milena says something about how Ashley’s just another pretty face and she won so she’ll give the fake paparazzi a chance to take her picture. This is of course interrupted, but not by the Useless Plastic (as hopefully she was re-banished to the land where the Smack is Down). It’s Mickie James, who DDTs the hell out of her and leaves. Yep. Thanks for coming.

It was at this point I was wondering what else they could put on here….then Khali’s music hit. Sonofabitch. Let’s just get to the point

PUNJABI PILE vs. IT DOESN’T EVER MATTER (BUT IT WAS SUPER CRAZY)

Super SQUASH. About a minute. Two moves. One foot pin. A whole lot of suck jammed into those black hammer pants.

WINNER: NO ONE BUT KHALI

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh…it was short?

OVERALL: WHY!!!?!?!??!?!??!? More importantly, WHO is responsible for this guy and his push. Whoever you are, may your children’s children be born with an incurable form of cancer. That’s kinda harsh, actually….how about you just fuck the fuck off instead?

Vince is pissed off backstage - Armando Estrada comes in and tells him to take it easy. JUST FOR THAT he gets put in the match as Umaga’s partner. It’s now a handicap match later. Something tells me that’s not going to work out like he’s planning…

After another break, Maria’s backstage with the Hardys. They’re now 6-time tag champs. They’re happy. That’s fucking it.

Now, clips from the Condemned premiere - uh huh huh….the director’s last name is “Wiper”….uh huh….

Hey! It’s Edge! He’s not dead after all! Basically he just puts himself over HBK, Orton, and Cena as he has owned HBK, outsmarted Orton, and beaten Cena. Then he says that they can call themselves whatever they want, because the only thing Edge calls himself is “the best”. He then mentions he’ll be the next WWE champ. What he DOESN’T mention is that he got thoroughly OWNED in the MITB match and therefore doesn’t have any more claim to the title than Finlay has to Taker’s belt. But whatever….

Next up is our obligatory rematch/Raw main event

UMAGA/ESTRADA vs. BOBBY LASHLEY - ECW WORLD TITLE

Before the match, they have what felt like a fucking half-hour staredown before Umaga attacks Lashley outside the ring to start the match. Lashley gets a couple shots in before the double-teaming goes into full effect and Umaga/Estrada begin to very slowly kick his ass.

Crowd = Not giving a shit at all

Despite some micro-comebacks from Lashley, Umaga is totally in control of this whole match. Estrada keeps trying to make the pinfall while Umaga gets all his Samoan Spots in.

Wow. This is fucking titillating, let me tell you.

I don’t know if they’re booing Umaga’s thorough ownage, Lashley’s lack of doing FUCKING ANYTHING, or just this whole stupid meh-tastic matchup, but the crowd is rejecting this like Dikembe Mutombo. Way to go, WWE. You just created another one. Just wait for the superman comeback now.

Yup, here we go. After taking the running ass-bomb, Lashley starts a very Cena-like comeback, punching the shit out of Umaga before hitting a spear for a two-count as Estrada made the save. Umaga then goes ass-over-tea-kettle out of the ring, Lashley hits the powerslam on Estrada, and the whole thing is over just like that after nearly 10 minutes of having the snot kicked out of him.

WINNER: LASHLEY (AGAIN, WHO THE F ELSE)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Umaga didn’t end up with TWO useless belts. He’s yet to get any mileage out of one.

OVERALL: Sloooooooooooowwwwwww pacing of this match with the same bullshit ending of the face getting his face kicked in for way too long before the one-minute comeback. If you could mix “blah” with “meh”, you have this match.

After the match, Lashley celebrates with the ECW title - which, by the way, I can’t see him ever losing. It’ll be a part of his ring attire, like Cena’s belt. If you listen closely you can hear NO ONE chanting “ECW! ECW!”

OVERALL SHOW: The first 40 minutes were actually interesting as SOMETHING HAPPENED. However, the rest did a whole fucking lot of absolutely nothing, which is sorely disappointing for a post-WM show. They’ve officially begun “coasting” way past Wrestlemania on this “road” to it they speak of. Bring on the rematches and the stalling to actually do something interesting with John Cena. And here I was thinking shit might actually CHANGE. You silly, SILLY bitch, you.

Bye.