Hola, amigos - welcome to El Gringo’s column with No Name Needed (which will be referred to as the “Triple N” from now forward, ok?). Why does it not need a name? Because it doesn’t need a lot of things, like a concise direction, a regular posting schedule, a strong focus, or an overall point of any kind. Basically - I do a lot of writing for this site. Occasionally, I get some runoff ideas spinning around in my useless head and have nowhere to integrate them. This will be that “nowhere” - every edition of the Triple N will contain random ramblings and thoughts mostly pertaining (but I can’t promise always) to this wacky bitch we call pro wrestling.

On the nugget this week:

FACE-A-MANIA 23 (AND HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE DOWN)

For the first time since the double-title Wrestlemanias, we’ve got no heels in our two championship matches. Now we’re not talking about how the crowd reacts to these guys - we’re talking about character alignment. This is dumb and it just SCREAMS “Wrestlemania’s about the matches, not the build” - they’re shooting for that “dream match” idea again, pitting two guys against each other who have never faced in a title match. I have no problem with that. But it always got on my nerves when there was a perfect feud(s) for the championships leading up towards the end of the year, then they get kicked to the backburner for a whole new opponent. I’m kind of getting off topic here, but it was like last year when HHH main-evented ‘Mania against Cena. Edge was the one in that feud, but they just kicked it aside, only to pick it up right after - that annoyed me, but I could understand them not being sure about Edge’s ability to go big (or maybe they didn’t want to break his half-ass WM streak). I’m not going to be too hard on Smackdown’s title match from last year because that was all kinds of wacky and with Eddie’s passing and Kurt’s mid-season jump, I’m sure that their plans got fudged.

Our main events this year feature Undertaker vs. Batista and Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena - all faces. Taker is the biggest face of the four; he’s at “legend status”, which means he’ll never be booed again. HBK is a close second; he’s also got the status, but the closer we get to Canada, the more his guaranteed face heat starts to dwindle a bit. Now there’s Cena - the robo-face who had umpteen terrific opportunities to turn heel and they never had the balls to pull the trigger because he sells t-shirt. Then we come to Dave, whom I still don’t like and can’t figure out why anyone still does other than the fact that he doesn’t give you reason to hate him either.

Here’s the biggest problem with these matches - if you don’t have a clear, strong heel in the match, the FANS will decide who the faces & heels are. Unless the faces in the match are both super-strong and the crowd just goes nuts for the spectacle (Warrior/Hogan), someone is going to be favored. In this match, you have your new-generation superstars carrying the championships into the big show against two of the most recognizable, beloved, and popular wrestlers OF ALL TIME. They’re throwing Cena and Batista to the wolves - there is no way the crowd is going to be split for these guys against HBK and Taker. Basically, because there’s no strong heel/face relationship going into this match, the WM 23 crowd is going to shit all over the champions because neither of them have the draw that the veterans have. Unless the plan here is to put the challengers over and bury everything you’ve built for your new superstars, when either Cena and/or Batista beats their respective opponents (ESPECIALLY Batista - that streak is sacred and this guy would gain NOTHING by being the one to break it), prepare for a shitstorm.

It really didn’t have to be this way. Let’s move back to this year. We had two of the strongest heels we’ve seen in awhile (strongest meaning drawing the right kind of heat, not “Fire Jarrett” heat) in Edge and King Booker, both of whom got to carry the ball this year. What WWE seems to fail to realize is that the stronger the heel, the stronger the face. Just look at Edge in 2006 - he was really the only guy that was able to get the crowd to start popping for Cena again because they hated him so much. HHH couldn’t do it at WM22, Angle couldn’t do it at all the previous year (in fact, it was that feud with Angle that I believe started the revolt against Cena). But ol Rated R was able to draw face heat back out of John Cena. I’ll return to these guys in a minute…

Now, for King Booker, I don’t think anyone truly expected that to go as well as it did, but he made it work wonders and was getting great heat - the “love to hate” heat, which was boosted by him winning the strap from Rey Mysterio. At this point, Batista was gearing up for a comeback, which ended in him eventually regaining the championship.

I don’t know if anyone out there has noticed, but Batista isn’t exactly the mega-huge draw that they seem to think he is. He was coasting on the GIGANTIC rub that HHH gave him after WM21, and then coasting on the “injury pop” since his return from that. He forfeited the belt due to injury, he came back and farted around for awhile, then they threw the strap back on him, pretty much killing the King Booker character because it doesn’t work nearly as well without actually having a championship to justify his claims as “King….of the world”. Now he’s going to limp-dick it into Wrestlemania with pretty much no momentum.

Now back to Cena/Edge. This feud lasted a good portion of the year after Edge stole the strap from RVD. Problem is, that other than that “victory” over Cena in the triple threat (which he didn’t pin Cena), and the one match in which he retained the belt by hitting Cena w/ brass knuckles, Edge pretty much looked like he never truly had a chance. Cena got the strap back and here we are with the crowd not near as split as they were against Cena about this time last year, but he’s definitely not the super-face he once was.

Since he dropped out of the title picture, Edge got tossed into a feud to be buried by DX. One thing that did, however, was keep the crowd hating him - remember, he was against DX, who was a much greater lock than Cena for getting a good pop despite them being a bastardized version of the classic stable. Since DX (and the quad) has since blown up, Edge is back against two guys he’d already feuded with recently - HBK and Cena - he’s gaining nothing at this point; just treading water.

Being that both Cena and Batista haven’t exactly been getting the reactions you’d hope your superstar champions would draw, and definitely not the concrete reactions that HBK and Taker have drawn for years, they should have built the two WrestleMania main events up to be Edge vs. Cena and Booker vs. Batista, with Michaels having an interpromotional match with Undertaker. Here’s how and why (keep in mind that I might take some liberties with other storylines, and I‘m assuming Trips still blows the quad - it‘s not an exact science, but bear with it):

During that TLC match at Unforgiven 2006 with Edge/Cena where if Cena lost he went to Smackdown, have him LOSE. Give Edge that rub he needed to finally be viewed as a legitimate foil to John Cena - fuck, it was the match he (and TNA) made famous, and Cena hasn’t lost cleanly in FOREVER. That would pretty much end the feud at that point. But have Edge just go apeshit on Cena after the match, just beating the crap out of him and “injuring” him. Cena is forced to go to Smackdown where he takes the first month off due to injury (building hype for his return as a huge face on the show he had his rise on) and delaying his Smackdown debut until after Cyber Sunday (where we DON‘T have Champion of Champions bullshit) where he feuds with whomever until Survivor Series, when he gets his hands on Edge as a part of an opposing team. Meanwhile, DX stays on Raw as the top faces. Edge is now the dominant champion, and remains as such until New Years Revolution 2007, where after he wrestles in whatever match Cena, using the whole ticket-buying angle, makes a surprise run-in and just beats the shit out of Edge. We go to the Royal Rumble, where Cena WINS it (something he still hasn’t done) by eliminating HBK and Undertaker last, who were having an awesome confrontation in the Rumble, as they drew numbers 1 and 2. Cena, of course, opts to take on Edge (who has done nothing but build heat since they last fought) and the match is set for Cena (now firmly re-born as a face since he did something different for a change) to get his belt (and his win) back. Cena vs. Edge

As far as King Booker - build him as champion to the Survivor Series match with Batista, but add a stipulation - since Queen Sharmell cost Batista the match in their last encounter, Booker tells Dave that she will be banned from ringside, but the catch is that this is the last title match that Booker has to give to Batista, so if he loses, that’s it. Batista agrees, since he thinks he’s got this one. However, have Booker pay someone off to run-in and cost Batista the match, ensuring that King Booker never has to defend the belt against Dave again. Have Batista feud with whomever that person is (I’d say Finlay - a solid heel who could get Batista over again as a face) while Booker built his reign stronger to the Royal Rumble, where he retains the title against someone by totally cheating (someone like Benoit, who is massively over and the crowd would hate Booker for it). Now, since Cena won the Rumble, we need to determine the number-one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. Teddy Long books a tournament; the finals of which take place at No Way Out, which Batista wins (booking the tournament carefully to give him the maximum amount of momentum). King Booker pitches a huge fit, saying that he didn’t have to defend the title against Batista due to that match stipulation. Teddy Long, as GM, says he was letting that rule stand, but since Batista won the tournament fair & square, it’s the same as the Rumble in this case - Booker’s got no choice. Booker vs. Batista

Now, the Taker/Michaels match needs no build. Just have them lock eyes in the Rumble and mow through people to build to the end, but have the fact that they become too focused on each other gets them eliminated. That leads to our HUGE cross-promotional match for the show - Taker vs. Michaels; Taker can keep the streak alive for one more year, and Michaels will lose nothing as he has long established himself. Just thinking about Michaels vs. Taker at ’Mania makes me giddy - it’s never been done. But this is fantasy-land….

Wrestlemania is turning into a cash cow; what can we toss together to make the most money, rather than what we can build up to in order to give our fans a Wrestlemania moment they’ll never forget. Hell, you can have both faces win both titles from both heels if you want; I guarantee if it’s booked right, people would love it. It’s not like it would be the first time - WM 21 had a very similar build to the one that I crapped out above, except JBL and HHH were getting borderline bad heat, whereas Edge & Booker were getting great heat. It pains me to think that all they had to do to resurrect interest in the stale characters of Cena and Batista was to book proper foils for them, but instead they’re just going to toss them and their championships to be eaten alive, while our guys who made this year tolerable with their heelish ways are stuck in a damn Money in the Bank match to have to literally climb the ladder again to earn another shot at that top spot, which sucks (and is another article all in itself - that match is a checklist of everything that kept WWE interesting this year, and none of them get a marquee match - survey says: FUCK THAT). Bottom line: I know who I’m pulling for at ‘Mania - and I’m probably not alone.

I’m El Gringo - and this was the Triple N.

As always, feedback is loved and adored.

11. Big Show - I Love Threesomes

Just on the simple fact that the Big Show gets to be the only guy ever to hold all three of those belts (despite the obvious and very large ASTERISK next to the ECW title). Being that the back says “I Love Threesomes”, it isn’t the worst shirt they’ve ever printed, but then if you picture the Big Show in that sumo diaper walking to a bed with three oiled-up title belts waiting for him it most definitely changes that thought. I know I didn’t have to go there, but it’s too late.

10. Carlito - Eat Spit

I blame this shirt for turning Carlito into a complete turd. With the apple shirt, everything was fine - he got this damn orange one, he started the TrishTorrie angle, has blown more spots than a Scott Steiner match, and went from being a strong heel to just another meh-tastic face on Raw - his heelish ways were once so strong that he got to interrupt RODDY PIPER and STEVE AUSTIN at WM 21. So basically, don’t ever wear this shirt, unless you want to become robo-ordinary.

9. John Cena - 5 Questions

I’ve only got one - what the fuck? I have no idea what this is all about - something do to with a segment that Cena was doing on WWE.com. Whatever - if you feel the need to own a John Cena shirt, this one probably won’t be your first choice. I seriously got nothing. I’ve never seen ANYONE in the crowd with this thing on. And it’s a CENA shirt!!

8. Kane - Burn In Hell

I’m unsure, but I think I’m supposed to see this shirt and be maybe just a tiny bit intimidated, cause he’s a red monster and all who manipulates fire. Not even Photoshop can make Glen (I’ve decided Kane will be referred to as “Glen” as long as he has no mask on) look even a tiny bit intimidating. The look on his face just screams “They just told me to look menacing - I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”. Every time Kane tries to act like a “monster”, it just looks like he’s totally forcing it, as if to tell us that he KNOWS he can’t be intimidating, but his paycheck is forcing him to be. I HATE the fact that we’re still supposed to buy in to the fact that he’s evil when they took everything that looked evil away from him - they wanted us to buy him as a human when he looked like a monster, and now that things are switched they want it back the other way - GRRRRRRRRRRRR. This shirt reminds me of all of that HATE, so damn IT and Glen to Hell. Maybe then he’ll REALLY get burned and come back with a mask.

7. Batista - I Walk Alone

You can’t even make this guy interesting on a t-shirt. “I Walk Alone?” They just threw that shit on there from the theme song = LAME. They’re trying so hard to market this guy, but strangely enough are having a hell of a time coming up with anything marketable about him as far as merchandise goes. Usually in WWE, that means that you lose your push if you can’t move merch…but we get the opposite with big Dave - we just get stupid merch. This shirt makes the list merely because of the fact that it’s a lame effort - NONE of him is really marketable, so let’s just slap his picture on the shirt. Can’t go wrong with that…

6. John Cena - Chain Gang Battalion

I’m so god damn tired of seeing this shirt. It’s stupid - it’s something the little kiddies wear, which is the only fanbase WWE can count on to cheer Cena consistently. With the HUGE number of cool shirts this dude has had over the years, this dumb shirt is the one that rucks fules and because it’s selling so well it keeps that championship firmly around his waist hoisted high over his head. It reminds me of those retarded “Big Dogs Have Bigger Bones” type shirts that you see all the Wal-Mart shoppers wear. That and shirts with shit like a ganstered-out Tweety Bird. Oh yeah, and I saw this shirt at Hot Topic. That merits a place on this list alone.

5. D-Generation-X - Cross

I’m not against anyone believing in whatever they want…HBK’s newfound faith brought him back to the ring after the back injury and keeps him going strong STILL after he retired after Wrestlemania 14. However - when D-Generation X becomes D-Generation Christ, I have a bit of an issue. You’d be hard-pressed to find a wrestling fan that wasn’t into DX at least in some respect back in the day. Shawn - your own t-shirts are bad enough, with bible-ish quotes and religious symbolism. It’s a big part of your life. Seriously, though - we’re slapping a CROSS on a DX shirt - those two words aren’t “Kneel” and “Pray”. Those two words are “suck it”, implying a sexual act involving a wiener and a mouth. Not exactly endorsed by the Bible, but endorsed by DX as its only real slogan. Whatever. Screw this shirt. Seeing as how DX is one member now anyway, and that one member is Captain Righteous, I guess this shirt fits perfect for him. Next thing we’re going to see is HBK having CROSS pyros instead of “X” pyros. Exit DX - enter D+. Break it down…..

4. McMahon

Do I need to tell anyone why this shirt sucks?

3. Ron Simmons - Damn

Please don’t ever buy or wear this shirt, people. All you’re doing is proving to the WWE that they can crank out a shirt with ANYTHING on it and it will sell. Prove them wrong. Buy shirts of the wrestlers you like. Make them stop cranking out shit like this. Don’t get me wrong - this is NO slam on ol’ Faarooq. It is a slam on what the WWE will paint up and treat like it’s the greatest recurring joke in the history of television. You TOO can own the fantastic DAMN shirt, where it will tell every DAMN person that reads it how you don’t give a DAMN how they feel, nor do you want to hear them tell you any DAMN thing. See? It’s a fuckin’ bucket of yuks, isn’t it? Just don’t let them make shirt of everything.

2. Batista - Good Guys do Bad Things

Yeah. Like stink up Smackdown. Fuckin’ lame attempted catchphrases - here’s a hint. He can’t crap one out, he doesn’t get one. period. Another Batista shirt on here…if they’d stop sucking I’d stop having to include them. What are some of the bad things Batista’s done? Well, as a heel, he helped electrocute Goldust. He hung out with HHH for awhile, which I guess is a bad thing. Wait - here’s one. He’s the only guy EVER to get to go over Triple H THREE straight times and still was unable to use that momentum to propel himself into stardom. He’s just damn lucky he got injured so he could get the “he’s coming back” injury heat.

1. DX - Vince Likes Chicken

It was the second I saw this shirt that I knew DX ‘06 was going to suck ‘0DICKS. Ha ha ha Vince likes chicken, another name of which is “cock”, which is another way to say “dick” - Vince is GAY!! So why doesn’t he print a shirt with his fucking logo ALL over it telling the world about his newfound relationship with wiener, even though it’s just a juvenile joke by those DAMN Degenerates…..If I could get my hands on them I’d MAKE THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL. Maybe you should just stop printing their jokes on t-shirts, Vince. I’m surprised that HBK would be okay endorsing this shirt as he belly-chopped his way through this frustrating angle. SIDE NOTE - I’m officially coining a phrase right now: “Belly-chopping” - verb - to allow ones personal beliefs to get in the way of successfully completing a task or mission. Can also be used as a noun - “Belly-chopper”. In a sentence - “We we going to take Rob to see that new gory movie, but ever since he started going to church with his girlfriend he’s become a total belly-chopper and doesn’t like violence anymore.”

SCREW THIS SHIRT (Hell, screw them all - just spooge on the last one…..)

And that’s that.

As always, feedback is appreciated.

Mar 6, 2007

Tonight’s show has a special guest of Stone Cold Steve Austin….and tonight’s musical guest will be, uhhh…Snitsky? I’m just trying to make things interesting for myself while I take notes, since Vince opens the show and I’m already bored.

Unless you’re a corpse, you know what McMahon is going on about in the ring. He mentions that Lashley wants to apologize to Vince. He also mentions something about a hair match thing they’re doing at Wrestlemania? Anyway - I’m going to make this more fun.

McMahon promo DRINKING GAME!! Take a shot every time Vince says “Trump”. You will be straight CRUNKED after this one, people, as he said it 10 times in about 5 minutes - ECW might be more watchable this way.

Oh, back to the ring. Lashley comes out, Vince shows footage of the “billionaire bitch slap”, kindly asks if we want to see it again, to which I reply “no thank you, asshole”, Lashley pretends to apologize but instead squeezes his hand and tells McMahon that if he touches him again he’ll break him in half. Wouldn’t that be a sight?

BTW it’s 10:12 once this segment wraps up. We’ve just burned almost a third of our TV time on this.

Oh, and nothing says EXTREME like Ashley’s tits. EXTREME-ly plastic, that is. L O L.

Hey, it’s our first match!

Hardcore Holly vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: Bob

23Log’s ranking:  (half-skull if I could, but I don’t want to make a special image just for this)

This match was shit, then the band shows up (Snitsky) and it becomes shit after shit. There was like three moves in this match, then Snitsky showed up to do a run-in and the total didn’t change.

Backstage with CM Punk, who talks about going to Wrestlemania before Elijah Burke tries to recruit him to the New Breed. RVD shows up, tells Burke he can’t even spell ECW (Neither can Vince - see the graphic above), and that Punk knows what ECW is all about. Nothing else happens.

Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke - winner: RVD

23Log’s ranking:

After seeing a close up, Burke’s braids are very….complicated. Like some kind of maze. Some stuff in this match included some chain wrestling from Burke, a post-commercial chinlock (which is becoming a bit ridiculous), and a really cool double running knee to the turnbuckle from Mr. New Breed. RVD gets the clean pin with the Five Star. Wow - they let him win one. Pretty OK match.
After the match, Dreamer challenges the New Breed to an eight man tag with the ECW Originals at Wrestlemania. Ok.

Nick Bockwinkel is next in the Hall of Fame. Yay Nick Bockwinkel.

Now we get Extreme Expose - where’s the flaming thumbtack tables?? They had guns for their little show this week. Too bad they weren’t loaded and aimed at each other

Mick Foley will be at ECW next week - set your VCRs. Maybe he’ll mention his new book.

Our main event: we don’t have one. We do have Steve Austin, though, so I’ll let it slide this week. Same ol’ Stone Cold for the entrance, except he actually drinks one of the beers this time instead of wearing all of them. He gets on the mic and pretty much just puts over the Billionaire Battle, but in typical Austin fashion, getting the crowd involved and all in all making everyone really miss the guy.

He then mentions something about if anyone gets in Stone Cold’s way - BOOM! Stunner! Lights out! It is at this EXACT point that my cable takes a huge dump and BOOM! Stunner! Lights Out! I get a black screen. Apparently my cable got the Stone Cold Stunner. I’m guessing it ended how every Austin promo does, with the bottom line and beers. When it finally came back on, we were fading out with him pouring beers on himself, so I think I was right.

Best part of the show: Stone Cold.

Who pissed me off this week: Vince and too much show time focusing on the Trump match, and no where near enough wrestling. ONE decent match this week. Grrrr.

TNA is the other white meat of wrestling; they’re an alternative to what we’re exposed to the most (WWE, of course). If you watch it, this next part will bore you because you already know most (if not all) of what I’m going to say. TNA prides itself on being a somewhat “evolution” of wrestling, due to their roster of unique stars (AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Abyss) and previously established wrestlers (Sting, Kurt Angle, Christian Cage, Rhino, Jeff Jarrett) combined with innovative concept matches (King of the Mountain, Ultimate X) and a six-sided ring. They are also known for the “X-Divison” (and its championship) , which is high-flying, high-impact wrestling based mostly around the smaller wrestlers.

However, TNA didn’t always have the identity they do now; the company actually began in 2002 as an NWA territory based out of Nashville, Tennessee and has had some very interesting things happen in their short history - enter this DVD.

TNA: The 50 Greatest Moments is a DVD released in November 2006 highlighting (guess what) the top fifty moments in the promotion’s history since it’s inception in 2002. Now, I don’t want to give an in-order list of all of the moments in this review, because that would make me a class-A douchebag for completely ruining any reason to buy/watch said DVD. What I will do, however, is simply give my brief opinions on the disc as a whole and bottom line it for you so you can decide whether or not it’s worth your time, which comes as follows:

This DVD is a great view if you are unsure of some of the history of TNA. Many people only know TNA from what they’ve shown on SpikeTV, and many of the moments from this disc are from that era, but there was a lot going on in this upstart promotion when they were stuck simply running weekly PPV shows or having a terrible time slot on Fox Sports Net.

Personally, I enjoyed it primarily for that reason - I was able to visit some events that occurred long before I had any idea what this TNA business was all about. I began watching TNA full time nearly 2 years ago (at their PPV “Lockdown” 2005) and it was very cool to see some of the stuff that I had completely missed and likely would have never even known about.

Another positive to the DVD is that for all of the moments, they were able to have TNA wrestlers/employees talk about what that moment meant to them, and most of the time if the moment involved a particular wrestler, they got that guy to give his thoughts. I thought that was a nice touch, rather than a damn narrator just going down a list. That would have sucked butt, which this DVD does not.

Usually with most lists, there are certain items included that are either ranked higher/lower than one believes they should be, or items that are on the list that don’t belong and vice versa. I didn’t feel that was the case with this ranking, as each moment was viewed from how important it was to the company AT THE TIME THE EVENT HAPPENED. This is most definitely true with the top ten moments, and no one alive can argue with the moment they included at number one.

Now, there are two sides to every coin. There are a couple downsides to this disc. First of all, there wasn’t any bonus matches or features or anything of the sort. Not really a complaint, but little bonuses are always nice. You’ll just get the bare bones program here, kids - options are “play” and “chapters”. Secondly, the disc is one of those that you’ll probably only watch once all the way through. It’s a great way to do some homework on TNA, or simply remember some of the great moments in its existence, but once you’ve done that and seen the order that the moments are in and you know what’s coming next, the re-watch factor kinda plummets. If you’re like me, a second viewing of this disc will just make you want to check out some of these moments in their entirety. It’s also a 3-hour disc, which is great for the first viewing, as it’s very in-depth and informative and helps you understand why these moments were a big deal. However, because it’s 3 hours, it’s not one you’ll pop in again unless you’re really bored.

Bottom Line: TNA - The 50 Greatest Moments is most definitely worth a viewing. Whether you’re a TNA diehard, a casual fan who’s seen it a time or two, or completely in the dark (and wondering where the hell Kurt Angle went), this DVD is a great trip through the history of the “other league”.

El Gringo’s Grade: 3 out of 5 (very high-quality disc with very little replay value)

But what you really want to know is…..

Should I Buy It?

Yes, unless you know someone who already bought it. Then just borrow it and watch it. Either way, see it however you can.

You can purchase this DVD by clicking here, but you can’t borrow my copy, cheap-ass….

Adios, amigos!

As always, feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed!

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, I’d say it’s split between that nasty DDT and the fact that the ref actually got up and did something after a bump; usually they’re so oblivious that it’s as if they’ve briefly transported to another dimension.

OVERALL:  Very standard, but a good way to open the show. Ending wasn’t super predictable, as usually after ref bumps the heels win. Definitely nothing special, though - and pretty much pointless in the grand scheme of things.

We’re not done here, however, as a pissed-off Orton RKO’s Michaels onto a chair, leading to Cena making the save, even though Michaels “didn’t need his help”. Heels run in fear and it really feels like the show should be ending on that note, but we’ve still got MILES to go, kids!!!

Who will be the guest referee for the only match at Wrestlemania that truly matters? You wait & see!

Foley shills his book. You can buy it here.

They recap ECW because Umaga was there, then we cut to Vince with Coach & Estrada, where we find out that Jeff Hardy will be facing Umaga tonight. Estrada leaves, Coach tells Vince he looks stressed, to which Vince replies that he rules the board of directors so the referee will be someone he approves of - like Shane McMahon. Coach gives him a verbal ass-pat and we go to our next match.

JEFF HARDY vs. UMAGA: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

JR shills those fruity, fruity, delicious, fruity, fruity, by GAWD they’re fruity Skittles as Jeff Hardy and his fruity colored hair head to the ring for another squash. Not that it will matter, but the strap is on the line in this one. BTW, the stupid barber chair is still on the entrance way as a permanent reminder what the focus of Raw will be for the next few weeks. Umaga starts this match in control, but as JR quotes “It only takes a three count to beat anyone in the WWE”, so Hardy has a chance. He goes at Umaga strong, and at one point gets him to stair himself, but that’s pretty much it from there as Umaga makes like an 18-wheeler and clotheslines him (I don’t get it either), then gets jawbroken, then clothslines him again, headbutt, ass bomb, THUMBTIME!!!!

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh….they’re in Phoenix and the Suns play there?

OVERALL:   Just a pointless squash-tastic match to go with the other squash of Hardy that actually HAD a point.

They run a package that REALLY tries to put Lashley over strong for this upcoming match you may have heard about. It’s funny - they need all this hype for Lashley because the ECW title sure as shit doesn’t get him over.

Pimping Cena vs. Edge as the main event. I can’t wait

MORE TV time devoted to this Trump/Vince shit. Trust me, McMahon - anyone who’s watching Raw at this point is already ordering the PPV. You don’t have to shove it up our asses, ok? This package had esteemed celebrities (like Erik Estrada) talking about Trump and Vince; funny part was when the asked John Travolta and he looked like he had no clue what the fuck they were talking about. He probably didn’t.

Backstage with Carlito & Ric Flair - wait, did Re-Todd Grisham just say that two weeks ago, Ric Flair got into Carlito’s “grill”? Yup. Apparently they’re the last two guys in the Money In The Bank qualifying matches, which will go down later. Promo pretty much goes as follows: “I’m gonna win, no I am, no I am, WHOOOOO, That’s not cool….”

More Vince & Coach. Vince is on the phone with Shane, who tells him that the vote will go our way and he’s on his way, then Vince makes a bald joke at Coach’s expense. Yes, that segment really was as pointless as it sounded.

Tomorrow on ECW we’ll have RVD vs. Elijah Burke. What - no title match? Double-U Tee Eff???!!??

Ooooohhh - it’s Masters! It’s a chair! It’s a MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE!! Stepping up this week is none other than - Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Why? I don’t know. E-mail me if you do. All I have to say is that unless Masters is REALLY in the doghouse (like a crossing Stephanie McMahon type doghouse), the dreaded Masterlock will remain unbroken; not that it can ever be broken due to all the technicalities and stipulations involved with this damn hold. It’s the only full nelson that comes with legal papers. Just a thought - if ECW is really going to do a tag division, Hacksaw should jump brands and team with Balls Mahoney to form the duo of “De-Evolution”. By the way, Duggan didn’t break the Masterlock. I’m waiting for the point of this segment but it never shows up, unless the point was “Masters is buff”. If that’s the point, we GET it. We got it LONG ago.

Again with Vince heading to the ring - find out who the ref is NEXT!

But not before we recap the earlier conversation between Cena/HBK, which leads to a backstage segment with Cena/HBK, where they pretty much say the same thing to each other. POINTLESS (sensing a theme here?)

Well, it’s 9:57 (AKA Vince o’clock) and we’ve got no chance in hell. Vince is in the ring (the crowd is really hot tonight, by the way) and let’s us know that NEXT week (just look past this week) we’ll have a contract signing for the Battle of the Billionaires - SOMEONE’S going through a table next week. Anyway, Vince quotes himself again from last week, saying how he’ll “Billionaire Bitch-slap” Trump, then he’s cut off by ERIC BISCHOFF (wow - I used to HATE that “I’m baaack…” shit, but I was digging it tonight). Why is Bischoff here? He’ll tell us - first of all, he’s not the referee. He’s here to say hello because he lives here in Phoenix and has had lots of free time since he was fired (which begs the question - how’d he get in the building AND get theme music cued up?). Basically he’s here to say that it’ll be great when Vince loses (and hell freezes over as Bischoff gets a face pop).

So the ref’s not Bischoff….but then MICK FOLEY’S music hits! He was also fired…..but ok. Mick’s wearing a referee shirt, so Vince assumes that Foley’s the named ref and starts kissing his ass. Foley makes the allusion to the fact that the roles are reversed as Foley was kissing Vince’s ass last time they met. McMahon pretty much gives Foley his job back, air time to shill his book, and pays his hotel book to suck up to him as the ref of the match. Foley then reveals that he’s not the guest ref of Vince’s match, but the guest referee of a rib-eating contest with the Phoenix Gorilla and Charles Barkley (cheap pop). The Gorilla then runs out to probably the loudest pop of the night, but this shit stops with the quickness as McMahon shoos everyone out of the ring.

So the ref’s not Foley….but then SHANE MCMAHON’S music hits! Props on this segment - I always like little surprises. Shane doesn’t look near as happy as Vince does, who is totally trying to groove to Shane’s music. Vince announces him as the guest referee, but Shane then tells him that they lost the vote and Shane’s not the ref. Vince wants to know who is.

GLASS BREAKS! It’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell yeah…god DAMN I miss this guy. He’s wearing a shirt that reads “Arrive. Raise Hell. Leave.”, which is pretty much what his role is in WWE these days. One thing makes seeing McMahon easier - Steve Austin. Vince tries to shake his hand, Austin calls for beers instead. He offers a Steveweiser to McMahon, who smartly turns it down, as all those who take the beer eventually get Stunnered (Vince knows this, man).

The segment gets kinda lame here as Austin just keeps calling for beers and pouring them on himself while Vince crawls away after getting beer in the face. No microphone. Just a fade to commercial.

We recap the previous segment for the few of you just joining us (which did illustrate the great look on Vince’s face when the music hit - he looked like he was about to cry and shit at the same time)

We have a special guest ring announcer for the Women’s Title match: Ashley - Playboy cover girl. Show tits = get push. As usual, Lawler has an “advance copy” of her magazine and is getting a stiffy as we go to the match.

MICKIE JAMES vs. MILENA: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE FOR THE WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP

Falls count ANYWHERE, ladies - hear that? Apparently they did as Milena runs to the back and right into the chicks changing room, where Lawler marks out like an 8-year old pops for John Cena. There’s a LOT of annoying-ass screaming in here, like someone’s getting date-raped or something. Victoria and Torrie Wilson get involved in this sloppy brawl, then we pointlessly see Candace Michelle de-toweled as the camera freaks out and goes to black, then to a break.

We come back and the ladies are log-rolling down the ramp and into the ring, where the chick-tastic offense begins, and then ends on a top-rope spot gone wrong. Mickie goes for a Frankensteiner, but Milena puts her head under Mickie’s ass so she can’t close her legs around her - the result is Mickie landing RIGHT on her neck slash head. Icky. That’s the match. It looked like a totally blown ending with Milena retaining. Ouch.

WINNER: MILENA (who is a terribly sloppy wrestler)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Well, a tie between the fact that they actually DID leave the ring in a falls count anywhere match (even though they did go back to the ring for the pinfall) and Mickie James’ butt.

OVERALL:   Sloppy match with painfully sloppy ending. You’d think that with Milena being part Mexican she’d know all about hurricanranas. Again, nothing really happened here.

Post-match we have a confrontation between Ashley and Milena. If these chicks go at it at 23, someone’s getting broken for SURE.

We now go to our last M.I.T.B. qualifying match.

RIC FLAIR vs. CARLITO: MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH

Back and forth early with standard Flair chops, backdrops, and kneedrops and standard Carlito pointless springboarding. Then decent turns to CRAP when the Great Khali comes out (?), no sells chops from Flair, and pretty much destroys them both. He then grabs the mic and says “Ieeee Wehaaaaa Kaaaehhh” (which I’m told is “I want Kane”). Khali’s chin sticks out farther than anything else on his face - that must be where he hides the extra suck. Match ends with no finish and therefore no lock on the last MITB participant.

WINNER: NO ONE

BEST PART: Nothing. Well, I guess I can be thankful that Khali didn’t kill either of them.

OVERALL:   The only match thus far that could have had a point ended up pointless. Thanks, Khali. Asshole.

Up next - the newest inductee into the Hall of Fame….

….and it’s NO WAIT! It’s more Vince recap of the Austin segment (just in case you missed it), then we’re informed that Austin will be at ECW. What? First no ECW title match, THEN we get Stone Cold on the show? Is this the same ECW?

Back to the H.O.F. - it’s Nick Bockwinkle. Way old school - he’s earned it.

Edge is backstage with Orton - this segment had a point. The point was that Orton was NOT going to have Edge’s back tonight.

Up next is our main event, but don’t forget about a contract signing next week.

JOHN CENA vs. EDGE

Cena Reaction Report: He’s actually over pretty good tonight - this crowd is definitely mark tested, Vince approved.

Cena waits in the ring for Edge, but instead we get…MNM? Eh? NOW Edge comes out and grabs a microphone - yes, please make sense of it all. He doesn’t. He babbles something about refusing to wrestle in front of “bigots” who live in the last state to approve MLK Day? What the hell? So since Johnny Nitro’s great-grandmother was part black, he demanded to take Edge’s spot and beat up Cena. WHAT???!!? Ok, so I guess its

JOHN CENA vs. EDGE JOHNNY NITRO

By the way, the intros to this match lasted 4 minutes - it’s 10:58 when the bell rings. Another quality Raw main event. At this point, the crowd is confused, so they just stay hot for Cena. Match opens with Cena going after Nitro and ending up on the floor, where Mercury (still looking like a horror movie villain) throws him into the ringpole, followed up by Nitro giving him the “Cena stair bump”. Back in the ring we see Nitro apply the chinlock (now you KNOW he’s been hanging out with Rated RKO). Cena does the standard comeback with the lead-in to the 5 Moves of Doom, but everyone attempts to jump in the ring when he goes for the 5-Knuckle Shuffle (I guess they all feel like I do about that move). He hits it, though, and goes for the F-U, which prompts Mercury to chop-block Cena to save his other-brand partner, leading to the DQ.

WINNER: CENA (by DQ)

BEST PART OF MATCH: The….uhh….swerve (?) that lead to us seeing a different three-minute main event than the one they built to?

OVERALL:   One word: POINTLESS.

After the match, MNM and Edge beat down Cena, which prompts HBK to run out to make the save, stop and think about it, then decide that having a clear heel at WM 23 wouldn’t be a very good idea so he makes the save on Cena. However, he still teases heel by not looking at Cena while he heads back up the ramp. That bastard. And here’s where we leave it….NO WAIT - tune in NEXT WEEK for a CONTRACT SIGNING!!!!

OVERALL SHOW RATING:  This Raw was completely pointless; pretty much everything that happened here tonight could have never occurred and nothing in Raw-land would have changed. The thumb up, of course, was for the appearance of Steve Austin (and the whole segment), which HAD to be the only thing the team that wrote this show was paying any attention to. But again, other than that….shit on a pointless stick.

Later.