23Log’s ECW: the Re-CRAP

Mar 27, 2007

ECW! ECW! We start this week with the terrific ECW intro video, which contains images of Bobby Lashley 10 god damn times. 10!! I COUNTED!

Just for that, I demand to see a two skull match at the beginning.

Elijah Burke vs. Rob Van Dam - winner: RVD

23Log’s Ranking:

I asked for two - I gave it three. This was a very good TV match - one very cool spot had Burke countering that silly back-bridge spot with a slam thingy. We also actually heard an “ECW” chant after RVD kicked Burke out of the ring, then hit a ropeflip legdrop to the outside. HA it’s not dead yet. Yet. We nearly lost our cool points when we came back from the commercial to find RVD in a chinlock, but got it back with some unique offense from Burke and the win for RVD after he countered the running knee blast and hit the *****.

Now it’s EXTREME EXPO-fuck it all, I changed the channel to watch Bill Engvall. I don’t even think he’s that funny, but at least he is what he says he is. Bitches.

Next match will be a squash because it’s

FUCKING Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: FUCKING Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking:      *not a typo*

Boot. Ugly. Balls got kicked.

More promos for the only match at Wrestlemania that matters, then backstage with the Money In The Bank guys, teasing the 8-man tag later, with Edge on the team with the Hardys. That shit’s not going down…

But before that, we get “final statements” from Vince & Lashley regarding the you know. Vince talks and talks and talks, while Lashley just sits there wearing what looks like a ripoff Goldberg shirt with a look on his face that says “Don’t this cracka ever shut up?”. Finally, after Vince wastes what felt like a half hour, Lashley calls him a bastard and a son of a bitch. Definitely not the worst Vince has been called, but I’ll go with it.

They’re going to give the 8-man tag some time it seems…

Kennedy, Finlay, Orton, Booker vs. Punk, Hardys, and Edge - winners: heels (Edge too)

 23Log’s ranking:

A lot happened here, but then again not much happened as this match did what we expected; tease the Money In The Bank. Basically, it was normal heels vs. faces tag team fare until Edge decides he wants to be Edge and after getting tagged in for the first time, he goes for a spear, then just leaves. While his partners (who shouldn’t be surprised at all) are bitching at him, things get clusterfucky and CM Punk winds up taking the rock on a stick from Finlay, then the Scissors Kick from the King. Edge leaves to an “Edge is gay” chant while the Hardys go get ladders and hit everyone with them.

That’s where we end it - a big tease with both Hardys holding the briefcase that was hanging over the ring the whole time for some reason.

Best part of the show: I can’t explain why, but I liked Edge and Burke this week. Wow. The matches were better this week too, but there were many fewer. Sometimes it’s better that way.

Who pissed me off this week: I should just call this the McMahon award, because I got real tired real quick watching him blow himself. Maybe he should try blowing himself UP instead.

Mar 26, 2007

Yay! Finally no announcement of any passed-on wrestlers starting off this week, although Raw’s in Chicago tonight so they might be announcing the death of John Cena’s momentum going into 23 if the crowd’s anything like last year’s ‘Mania.

Either way, we start tonight with Coach in the ring. I hate Coach. That’s all I got. Anyway, he mentions that tonight’s Lashley vs. Vince match will now be no-DQ, with any unauthorized outside interference being met with fines and suspensions. This basically ensures that we will see a run-in fest in favor of McMahon. Like you saw it going down any other way.

Suddenly, Coach is interrupted by the GLASS BREAKING (ahhh…just like the good ol’ days) and Stone Cold’s on his way to the ring. Austin starts talking about Trump buying him a bunch of presents to pay him off, when Coach interrupts him to tell him that Vince would never do that. Austin then ignores the interruption to pick up right where he left off, which was that the presents were actually from McMahon.

Stone Cold then declares that he should DQ Vince right here and shave his head for trying to screw with the official, but then Coach, like the true man-tool-slave he is, totally takes the bullet for McMahon and says it was HIS idea. Austin then goes off on a rant about how he’s the boss in the ring on Sunday, then goes to leave the ring.

Coachman then shoots himself in the face by calling Steve back and trying to verbally ass-pat him by telling him that they both make bald look beautiful. He gets the Stunner for his ass-patting efforts. Enter the beer and post-Stunner celebration as Austin leaves the ringside area…

….but he ain’t gone yet, kids - he hops in his truck and nearly runs into McMahon’s limo, who screams at him but then realizes that it’s Austin and tries to kiss his ass. Austin gives him the ol’ FUCK YOU sign and leaves. Vince then beats up and fires his limo driver. Piss drunk with power.

Up next, we get three Playboy cover girls in action - and NOT the kind of action you get on those free DVDs that come with the magazine subscription (so I’ve heard..). The stupid kind of action.

JILLIAN HALL, VICTORIA, & MILENA vs. ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE - 6-BEEEYATCH TAG MATCH

Yay - four times the boobs, four times the suck. It’s about this time that they tell us that the Ashley vs. Milena match at 23 will be a “Lumberjill Match”. This means the ring will be surrounded by all the useless plastic the company employs to make sure that all the blown-spot, hair-pully mayhem will be kept in check. Or, to ensure that there’s so much boobage abounds during the match that you won’t catch on to the terrible match cause you’ll be too busy waiting for a pop-out. Either or. I’m just holding on to the hope that during that match, Satan decides to cash in on Vince’s soul and starts by engulfing the ring in hellfire to ruin his PPV.

Meanwhile, we have a fantastic match on our hands here. We start with Ashley/Milena, then Candace/Victoria as the heels maintain control and work the tag formula by quickly tagging and isolating Candace. But evil is soon thwarted as she makes the kinda hot, but only when airbrushed tag to Ashley, who nails a rotten looking hurricanrana (hurriCANTrana?). Man, she’s terrible in the ring.

Now it’s Ashley/Jillian, where chicky offense results in the worlds slowest victory roll for the win for Team “We’re Over Cause We Got Naked”.

WINNERS: ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh, I’m going to say Candace’s top. It looked like a red bikini that she bought a size too small for her girls, giving us some bonus boob exposed. Not that that’s really THAT big of a deal. You’ve seen her nips.

OVERALL: I thought that there wasn’t a less deserving woman on the roster of the Women’s title when Milena won it. I now recant that statement - there most definitely is. And she’ll probably be the next one, as the belt will soon become the “prize one receives for showing the world your wax job”. One of two things (or both) will happen in their match (and this should be obvious by now): It will suck ass, or someone will get broken. But they book it at Mania anyway, while Johnny Nitro, Paul London, Shelton Benjamin, Chavo Guerrero, and many others get to watch it from backstage. Whatever blows your skirt up, WWE - or, in this case, blows it off.

Moving on, they shill the BOTB (Battle of the BULLSHIT) for the first of what will no doubt be too fucking many times tonight. Look, if you don’t know what’s going on between these guys by now, you’re not the target fucking market and you’re definitely not going to drop 50 bucks on a PPV. Fuck off with you.

Back from commercial, we get “Chicago’s Own” CM Punk? Isn’t he on another brand’s show?

CM PUNK vs. KENNY DYKSTRA

Kenny jumps Punk before the bell, Punk turns things around briefly with a clean-looking double-underhook backbreaker, but then heelish ways take over as Kenny turns it back his way with the CHINLOCK (Heel 101, remember?). It is at this point that an insanely loud CM Punk chant builds (as, again, he’s Chicago’s own) as he gets out of the dreaded chinlock and starts firing back with his offense (springboard clothesline, running knee + bulldog), then his wicked looking fireman’s carry-to-knee-to-fucking-face finisher for the pin. And I’m still supposed to buy that the F-U could take ANYONE out…

WINNER: CM PUNK

BEST PART OF MATCH: The simple fact that Punk showed up on Raw to wrestle was a welcome treat; apparently for the crowd as well, as he probably got one of the loudest chants I’ve heard in awhile. HEAR THAT, VINCE? He probably still won’t get the push he deserves because Vince didn’t create his character. Isn’t that right, Marcus Cor Von?

OVERALL: Match was a bit on the quick side, but both Kenny & Punk are always clean in the ring, and they worked well together for the brief time they got to go at it. Plus, I like CM Punk. That got the thumbs up on appearance alone.

Afterwards, Edge appears on the ‘tron to talk mad crazy mess to Punk about how he’s got no chance in the MITB match, but he’ll have a chance to tell him why he thinks he can win in a special edition of “The Cutting Edge” featuring all 8 of the guys from the match. It’s like an invasion; guys from OTHER BRANDS are coming to Raw. Set your fucking VCRs, amigos - it’s a once-in-a-week EVENT.

BOTB Shill #2 - really, if you don’t know the build by now, you are obviously an undiscovered species of fungus that lives on the underside of deep-ocean rocks. Or you don’t give a fuck.

Lawler does call Vince the “Corporate Man of Steel” after this particular shill. Quick! Someone forge a chair out of Kryptonite before he finds out his weakness!

Ok, that Cutting Edge thingy is happening right now, as everyone’s standing in the ring waiting for Edge, who comes in and gets on the mic. First, he obviously has his priorities in line as he totally pimps himself and his ladder match prowess, his Wrestlemania record, and his ability to fuck the girlfriend of one of the guys in the ring and avoid getting his face punched in even though he not only stole his bitch, but turned it into the biggest push of his life. He didn’t say that last part.

Now, he’s going to give everyone in the ring a chance to tell him why they think they can beat him:

What they said:

Matt Hardy: “You’ll be on your back like your ex-girlfriend”

King Booker: “None of you peasants have had the reign of King Booker”

Finlay: “I’m tired of all the talking”

Randy Orton: bitches about Edge

Kennedy: “Misssssssstttttaaaaaaaaa Keennnnnnne-” (Edge ripped the mic away before he could finish)

Jeff Hardy: “I’m going to steal the show”

CM Punk: “All you’re doing is running your mouth…”

What they should have said:

Matt Hardy: “I hate you and I hope you get cancer of the face”

King Booker: “You know, I wouldn’t even be in this match if I’d have shot Batista instead of punching him”

Finlay: “I’m too old to be falling off bloody ladders - can’t you young bucks get over on your own?”

Randy Orton: “I wonder how many people I can piss off and still get put on Wrestlemania?”

Kennedy: “Damn - they want me to make SEVEN of you look good?”

Jeff Hardy: “Thank GOD I got out of TNA - the last thing I needed was to be in a silly gimmick match. Wait…..”

CM Punk: “How sad is it that I’m the most over guy in this ring and I’ve been on TV for less than a year?”

This whole shebang leads to the inevitable brawl, which Edge inevitably runs the fuck away from, until the faces notice this and toss the heels out of the ring on their asses, leading to them chasing Edge. Yup.

Back from commercial, we get Maria (yum) backstage with Cena (damn).

Cena Reaction Report: Quick pop, then boos. This is the same town that crucified him last year at 22, though..

Cena cuts a promo, but it’s actually not like the majority of the promos he’s cut for the last year - it’s actually not bad. He runs down the different kinds of people at Wrestlemania this year before getting to himself and Michaels, whom he calls “two of the most controversial and charismatic individuals of all time”.

TIME OUT. I’ll give those things to HBK, and I’ll even give the charisma part to what Cena USED to be, but this controversial thing is getting out of hand. “Controversial” as it pertains to Cena is merely a bullshit excuse to explain the terrible crowd reaction he gets from those “defiant crowds” from time to time because they won’t just nut up and turn him heel because he’d sell less t-shirts. Cloning is controversial. You are just the end result of bad booking.

Back to the promo, where Cena says that after WM 23, there will only be one man talked about for years to come (Vince?); the man who toughed it out to say “the champ is here”.

BOTB Shill #3 - Blah. I’m out of fucking jokes. Here’s one: What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

Moving on with Raw, now - it’s Vince o’clock. Time to put the kids to bed, as shit’s about to get completely unbearable.

Right on time, they’re gearing up for Lashley vs. McMahon. I guess he decided to have his WRESTLERS as the WRESTLING SHOW’S main event. Good call.

But before that….BOTB Shill #4. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH FUCKFUCKFUCKAAAAAHHHH!!!

I feel better. For now.

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. VINCE MCMAHON - NO DQ LIKE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MATTER AS THIS SHIT IS NOT GOING DOWN MATCH

Vince is out first in all his non-billionaire swaggering glory, followed by Lashley with his double pyro-pop. I was secretly hoping Vince would forget about the ringpole pyros and totally pull a James Hetfield, torching his ass. He didn’t.

McMahon starts by grabbing a microphone (of course) and, to the shock of about thirteen people, announces that he’s not going to physically embarrass him, but embarrass him with his intellect. The very same intellect that thought pushing Test was a grand idea. Either way, he jumps out of the ring as the bell sounds, which brings Cade & Murdoch running down the ramp. Here comes the B.S….

Lashley owns them both. Enter Chris Masters now. Lashley digs him up from his burial last week and owns him too. Johnny Nitro runs out now. Lashley owns him too. If Joey Mercury didn’t get his ass fired, I’m sure he’d run out and be owned as well. Now that a good chunk of the Raw roster has been completely buried, things get marginally more interesting as, SHOCKINGLY, Umaga comes out.

The brawl begins as we are reminded that it doesn’t matter if they give this match away on TV because it’s so not even close to being about these two wrestling.

Things get really stupid now as Vince nails Lashley with a low blow, which leads to a Samoan Drop from Umaga, then to the three count (!!????) as McMahon makes the pin.

WINNER: VINCE MCMAHON (HE GUARAN-DAMN-TEES IT!)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Lashley got pinned. But it was by Vince, so it’s kind of like saying the dirt tasted good because it wasn’t poop.

OVERALL: Ok…now everything that happened here I expected. Except for the whole “Lashley can’t be fucked with, but a pop in the junk and ONE MOVE will end that bullshit once and for all” part. I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked that Lashley goes on a fucking DEATH WAVE of a push, only to be owned by the “McMADMahon” as JR called him. Totally made Lashley look weak, and makes the fact that he beat both Kennedy and Orton in a handicap match on Smackdown look so much worse.

Afterwards, they continue to hint at who’s leaving ‘Mania bald as Umaga runs through his moveset on Lashley, allowing Vince to pin him a second time. Man, he should have made him put the ECW Title up too. Then McMahon could really piss the name away. After all of this, in theory, Umaga should have learned that to win, all he has to do is kick Lashley in the nads and Samoan drop his ass and we’ll see a bald D.T. But that’s theory - it has no place in wrestling. Fucking Lashley. Fucking Vince. Fucking Umaga. Fucking Trump. Fucking match. Fucking shill. Fucking A.

After break, we get the inevitable recap of what JUST happened (in case you slipped into a time-space vortex over the last couple minutes), then we see Vince leaving the arena. Something happened. Eugene was there. I tuned out during this. I think I might have been pondering the 233,623 things I’d rather be doing that looking at McMahon right now.

Hey! Double bonus tonight! It’s KENNNNNEDY!!!!

RANDY ORTON & MR. KENNEDY vs. THE HARDYS

They’re not the Hardy Boys any more…probably a good time to stop with that (even though Shawn’s still the “Heartbreak Kid” at over 40, but the “Heartbreak Man” sounds dumb as hell, so we’ll go with it). Anyway, Orton & Matt start off in a battle of “Deserved To Be Canned But Wasn’t” vs. “Didn’t Deserve To Be Canned But Was”. Jeff gets tagged in, followed by Kennedy (let the owning begin). He throws the hell out of Jeff to the outside, Randy goes after him, and the tag formula now hits full swing as the heels begin to isolate Jeff.

Orton gets the tag from Kennedy, which brings on a flurry of appendage stomping and a brief glimpse of a chinlock before bringing Kennedy back into the mix. Jeff begins his comeback with the Whisper In The Wind, then hot-tags Matt Hardy, who nails a Side Effect on both guys (better than the “side effect” he let Edge have when he knocked the boots with Lita - sorry, Matt himself made a Lita joke tonight, so I felt like it was OK to bring it back one more time). He goes for the Twist of Fate on a now-legal Orton, but Kennedy is there to say fuck all that.

We then wind this one up as the Hardys nail a Poetry in Motion on Orton, then try it on Kennedy, who obviously had JUST watched them do the same thing to Randy and felt it was a good idea to get the hell off the other turnbuckle when Matt squatted strangely in front of him. Point is, Jeff nails the turnbuckle and is out of commission, but Matt goes for another Twist of Fate, this time on Kennedy, but in a TRUE twist of fate, he is shoved into an RKO.

WINNERS: ORTON & KENNEDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Again, the surprise appearance in the ring of one of my favorites. KENNEDY!!!!

OVERALL: Average match that followed the tag-team formula, but we saw a clean finish with a heel team actually winning off their heel strategy. It’s been so long, it seems…

Next Hall Of Fame inductee is Jim Ross, which the Rock calls “The John Madden of WWE”. That’s about what I think, but not in the complimentary sort of way - in the “mute the fucking commentary” kind of way. I guess he deserves it, though, his voice is plastered on just about every major event in WWE history after Wrestlemania 13. It’s just tough listening to him try and sell something that, every once in awhile, I’m just not buying. Not his fault, I guess….but the phrase “LOOK AT THE CARNAGE” is his fault, and every time I hear it I just want to shoot him in the face and scream the same thing. We won’t end this on that note, however, as he most definitely is one of the most recognizable voices in wrestling history.

JR tenderly waves to the crowd as they applaud him, but then Khali’s music hits, which Lawler appropriately calls “a buzzkill”. Amen. This is most definitely worse than Ross being inducted, especially since he’s wrestling…

THE GREAT KHALI PUNJABI PILE vs. RIC FLAIR

The battle of “No Sell” vs. “Can’t Sell” begins. Khali actually backdrops him in this match - he must have done his Ric Flair homework. But not much homework, as he no-sells the chops and we end up on the outside where he’s about to slam Flair on the stairs. Thank god for Carlito as he, mercifully, makes the run-in, leading to the DQ.

WINNER (BY DQ): THE PUNJABI PILE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Carlito ran in and make this short and so fucking not sweet.

OVERALL: Khali score.

After the match, Khali destroys Carlito. But, alas, the destroying comes do a halt as KANE the MONSTER shows up with that damn hook again. USE IT! USE IT! PLEASE HOOK HIS ASS!! Nope. No hook. Khali takes a couple punches and bails. Kane makes the poles go boom. Fuck it all.

We’re about to that point in the show where there’s no wrestling, but it would be silly to start the main event early so they just cram bullshit into one period between two commercial breaks that doesn’t really amount to anything. This week, we get the grab bag of:

- Promo for the Condemned. Go see it. Because Stone Cold said so. Or something.

- Rundown of Wrestlemania card. (They remind us that the “Lumberboobs” match is a Wrestlemania first and “anything can happen” in that match. I call bullshit.)

- Promo with HBK, who is looking way too tan. He basically just says that Cena’s like every other big name he’s faced - they’re all gone and he’s still here. He’s winning the title at ‘Mania (dream big, Shawn), but tonight he’s got his back.

- 8-man tag on ECW featuring all of ONE ECW wrestler as the 8 MITB match guys take each other on. Interesting note - Edge is on the face team. Probably means he’s not going to wrestle.

NOW we get to our last break - main event is next!

BUT NOT BEFORE BOTB SHILL #5. FIVE!!!!!!!!!

SHAWN MICHAELS/JOHN CENA (CHAIN GANGERATION-X) vs. UNDERTAKER/BATISTA (UNDER-DAVE) IN A FUCK YOU IF YOU BOUGHT NO WAY OUT MATCH

Enter Cena @ 10:53, followed by D+. Then, RAW IS BLAH as Blah-Tista heads to the ring with his pyro pop. I still don’t get his whole taunt thingy he does to those. Maybe I just have to be blah to understand. Speaking of UNDERstanding, here comes the UNDERtaker, who’s not taking near as much time as usual because it’s 10:5fucking8. Plenty of time for a quality match. Well, maybe not quality, as we do have Cena & Batista here.

Taker starts off against Cena, and this crowd is officially shitting on ol John each time he gets any offense in. Crowd goes nuts as Cena’s about to get chokeslammed, but HBK makes the save to a mixed reaction. Batista runs in and clears the ring, leaving Taker and Dave alone. They start to square off with each other, but Cena runs back in to yet another chorus of boos.

We’re getting “Cena Sucks” chants while he and HBK work on Taker, while Batista apparently went and got a fucking cappuccino. We go back in the ring, where the crowd’s totally cool with HBK and Taker, but then go to full-on “fuck-off” mode when Cena gets tagged back in. Taker gains control, but then Dave makes a blind tag to get in the ring with Cena. The crowd’s heads then explode.

Actually they’re still shitting on Cena until he tags in HBK, which now gets EVERYONE in the ring. Cena takes a spinebuster from Dave (one of his TWO moves of Doom), while Taker’s about to Gorilla press HBK out of the ring. However, Taker decides it’s his turn to fuck over Batista and throws Shawn at Dave when he goes to Batista Bomb Cena. Taker then bails on Dave’s bitch ass, leaving Cena/HBK to double team him. This brings us to a mind-numbing DOUBLE 5-knuckle shuffle (twice the FIST, twice the POWER), but then Shawn FINALLY decides now is the time to superkick Cena, making him the clear face/heel in their match as the crowd pops HUGE for it. Congratulations, it’s officially past the point of anyone really caring. Batista, his head obviously pounding from the double-fisting, throws an arm over Cena for the win.

WINNERS: BATISTA AND I GUESS UNDERTAKER TOO

BEST PART OF MATCH: I’ll go with HBK finally superkicking Cena. Better late than never, I suppose.

OVERALL: This match did what it was supposed to do - add very little to the main event, as this is the last Raw before 23 and they can’t shake shit up TOO much. You’re already ordering it for the Battle of the Billionaires, right? It served its purpose and nothing more.

Here’s the stupid thing about this ending, though…if this was intended to have Michaels seem like the heel, then it’s clear that they want a face-heel alignment for this match. Why turn the guy the crowd will NOT boo? Because. That’s why. Shut up and watch.

Oddly enough, after HBK taunts Cena with a “you can’t see me” and a belly chop, they tell us that there will be more Raw after the commercial….

….where they replay the superkick and taunt, THEN end the show. Eh?

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was better than last week; there were even a few surprises thrown in (at the expense of the brand extension’s integrity…wait - what integrity?). I got what I expected out of this week’s show, being that it was the Raw before the biggest PPV of the year (how Khali got a match on there I’m still unsure. He must be the only guy on the roster that can fit a grapefruit in his mouth…..: ). Shawn finally turning on Cena was supposed to feel like a big deal, but for some reason I just didn’t really care when he did it. Maybe I’m just a jaded asshole who is near positive that Cena’s winning now that he got laid out on the Raw before. As much as I love being right, I really hope I’m wrong sometimes. Meanwhile, back to this grade - nothing truly wrong with the show, though, but nothing that would cause me to give it a better than average grade. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!! Forget NOT, bitches.

Ghost.

Mar 20, 2007

I’m back this week. And there’s another dead guy.

ECW starts off with the most extreme thing imaginable - Chris Masters. He reminds me of a robot. I’m not sure why. The Robot cuts a promo and apparently our cable hates Masters as it starts to take a shit when they announce the main even of Lashley vs. Masters.

But that’s later. Now, its:

RVD and Sabu vs. MONTY BROWN and Kevin Thorn - winners: New Breed

23Log’s Ranking: Short, but not bad.

RVD/Sabu hit the 420 legdrop for my favorite spot of this match so far, but then we have INSTANT HEEL, just add CHINLOCK (and bake for thirty minutes) from Monty Brown. Not much more of the match than that as the man of many nicknames gets distracted from the outside by Thorn/Ariel, leading to an especially evil looking POOOOOOOUUUUUUNNCCCCCE (?) Nope. The CROSS BODY BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK. Feel it.

Yay, my favorite part of the show so far - God of War II commercial!!! I hope the commercials never end because they said up next it’s Snitsky.

Damn.

Snitsky vs. Mike JobberGuy - winner: fucking Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking: take the other  away. Damn you

This was literally a thirty second squash that ended on a stupid boot. Snitsky needs to lose an inferno match to himself..

Now who’s next in the hall of fame? The Sheik - hardcore pioneer who trained Sabu/RVD. Hell yeah.

Next on the match card, we get-

CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly - winner: CM Punk (thank GOD)

23Log’s Ranking: Was , then went to for Holly being the Instant Easy-Baked Hell and pulling out the chinlock, then to for the god damn interference.

Elijah Burke tried to recruit Punk to the New Breed by having Thorn interfere in this match, helping him win. Punk’s not having it.

Now we get the ECW chicks - nothing is more Extreme than this. Except maybe a DDT on tables. And everything else ever.

Another match! This is more matches than Raw!

Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke

23Log’s Ranking: Again short, but it had to be as they’re cramming 5 “matches” into an hour. This is more wrestling than TNA Impact has had in awhile. How sad is that?

Burke & Dreamer both came to the ring with Stryker & Sandman, respectively. Stryker really needs to put some god damn pants on. Burke wins it with the running Thai knee blast thing to the turnbuckle, which really didn’t look like it should have put a guy like Dreamer down, but that version of Dreamer is long dead.

Tazz is really annoying the shit out of me tonight. Asshole.

Now we get our main event

Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Masters - winner: Lashley

23Log’s Ranking:

The Robot and BlackBerg have a standard big slow ass dude match before Lashley dumps the last bit of dirt on the complete burial of Chris Masters with what wasn’t being called the Dominator but is now. The crowd was not into this match at all. I don’t blame them.

Weak show, just like all these shows are going to be going into Wrestlemania. But no Vince.

Best part of the show: The Sheik was the most hardcore thing that’s been on ECW in forever. And again no Vince.

Who pissed me off this week: There’s TWO. One is Tazz; Not for nu-SHUT UP TOOL!! Two is Masters; remember kids - needles equal pushes. Bet he goes down in a ball of flames for this whole steroid thing.

This week, we continue to piss away any continuing reason to have a brand extension (other than the fact that with a brand extension, someone else can be a world champion without Cena ever having to drop the title) - it’s Wrestlemania Reversal Night!

DX music hits as D+ (Shawn & God) head to the ring. Apparently we’re starting off with the first match of our reversal thingy - JBL vs. HBK; battle of the acronyms. JBL is out next w/ limo but w/o wrestling gear. Damn it - I figured they wouldn’t bring him out of retirement. Gotta love the WWE - two years ago I wanted JBL to die in a fire, and now I actually MISS the guy because things have been so weak since then. Maybe it’s all part of some plan….

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JBL

JBL’s in the ring and on the mic, bitching about how he had to come all the way here to wrestle because he was told to. NO ONE tells JBL what to do - he’s retired. It’ll be his terms if he comes back. Apparently these weren’t his terms. Strangely, JBL then puts Cena over Michaels, saying he’ll kick Shawn’s ass because Shawn won’t take the shot at him. Bradshaw then calls him an egotistical prick, then they censor the rest of the sentence - I love it when they miss. Basically, the rest of his promo involves putting HBK’s “mind games” over, then cutting him back down by saying that he probably knows he can’t beat Cena and that’s why he won’t backstab him, then ends with him calling HBK “pathetic”. Great promo with great heat on Bradshaw. If he could do one thing right…

Shawn then grabs the stick and says “nuh uhh”. Actually, he says that maybe the “lack of mind games is the best mind game”. Sure. He can and will beat Cena, and then he declares that, like JBL, no one can tell him what do to, including when to hit Sweet Chin Music, which then prompts him to so NOT unpredictably nail JBL with said Sweet Chin Music. Great start to Raw for me; I was actually looking forward to seeing how JBL looked in the ring. I should have known better than to think they wouldn’t hype the ever-loving hell out of Bradshaw’s return. Fuck you very much, Raw.

After the break, they shill the BOTB TWICE in one promo (we’re keeping count tonight), once with a package, once with another stupid-ass “Tale of the Tape”.

Edge is backstage and Orton breaks in, bitching about how he left him hanging at ECW. Edge tells Randy to calm down, but then gets all totally pissed and shit when Orton actually out-heels Edge by telling him that because McMahon was upset that Lashley didn’t get his ass kicked, he made a last-chance battle royal for Edge’s MITB match spot. The score is now Randy 1, Edge 2. I’m out of funny things to say about this angle. They’re both super-cocks trying to out-cock each other.

ANOTHER Masterlock challenge? There has to be a reason for bringing this shit back. They run a quick video package showing the mighty submissions of guys like Super Crazy and Jerry Lawler before we see who’s getting the chance this week: LASHLEY, who according to JR his appearance is “shocking us all”. Only if “us all” are the three people alive that are tuning in to Raw for the first time ever this week. He’s been here every fucking week, Ross. Either way, they start the challenge, with Masters doing the whole “tease it, but then don’t apply it because shit don’t feel right” thing before slapping the back of Lashley’s head. Ok. Bobby then gets up and slaps him back, then we finally get to the god damn hold itself. We’re up to like a minute and Lashley’s fading…..then he all of a sudden BREAKS it. Wow. That whole thing is over - that explains the video package. They are trying SO hard to put Lashley over; burying everyone they can to make people care about this guy, and still very few care. Meanwhile, Masters no longer has the one thing he’s been holding on to since his debut, unless he comes out with the official rulebook on Masterlocks next week and declares that if at any point the Masterlock is broken by an overpushed champion on a resurrected and rotting brand, it is an unofficial breakage and therefore you can still walk around toting that your hold is unbroken. Probably not though - Masters, it was not that much fun while it lasted….

MASTERLOCKS < UNFUCKWITHABLE PUSHES

No wrestling yet….

We DO, however, get another promo for Ashley’s Playboy. Damn it anyway - isn’t this shit supposed to stop after the magazine hits shelves? Anyone who’s curious has already bought the mag or seen the pics online. Who are you shilling this to, exactly? There is a point where the Useless Plastic herself says “The thing I love about this pictorial is that it’s me”. Fucking profound. “It’s me, except the tits. Those weren’t always me”. I say no more - hopefully never again.

They replay the breaking of the Masterlock. You’d think Lashley just won a gold medal or something with the way they’re treating his accomplishment. Amazing how they all expect us to care about Masters and his bogus challenge now that it’s OVER (WHICH, by the way, it had better be, or else no good came from this whole thing).

Now Lashley’s backstage, runs into Vince, BOTB Shill #3, Lashley’s tossed from the building, Vince flirts with Maria, Eugene spills coffee on him, Vince puts him in a match, tells CoachSlave to go find Umaga, Faarooq says “damn”. So much happened here, yet so, SO fucking little…

Short tribute to Arnold Skaaland; old wrestler and great manager. You’re too young to remember this guy.

STILL NO WRESTLING!!!!!

Hey! Wrestling!

LAST CHANCE BATTLE ROYAL FOR FINAL SLOT IN MONEY IN THE BANK:

KENNY DYKSTRA, SHELTON BENJAMIN, CHARLIE HAAS, JOHNNY NITRO, VAL VENIS (?), VISCERA, SUPER CRAZY, RIC FLAIR, CARLITO, AND EDGE.

It’s a standard over-the-top battle royal; in case you morons don’t know how it works, our Lillian replacement for the night drops the knowledge on us. We start with basic battle royal offense, with guys trying in the most ridiculous ways possible to eliminate each other. The whole ring then turns to the 500 pound waste of virtually everything Viscera and gets him the fuck outta town right away. Thank you, ring full of dudes; if he were in a MITB match I would probably just start cutting myself right now.

VISCERA ELIMINATED BY THE WHOLE RING

It’s about this point that Edge rolls under the rope and starts to sell an “injury”. Great…here we go again…back in the ring, nothing of worth has happened yet. You can, however, hear Flair chopping the hell out of someone here and there. Next elimination is Super Crazy, about whom we are reminded that his name is Super Crazy because he’s both Super! and Crazy! I must be a total fucktard; I never caught that.

SUPER CRAZY ELIMINATED BY WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

We then go to break, which means that when we come back they’re will be noticeably fewer guys in the ring, as this is the rule for ALL TV battle royals. Am I right?

Yep - during the commercials, we saw (did NOT see):

VAL VENIS ELIMINATED BY JOHNNY NITRO (VAL VENIS??!!)

and

CHARLIE HAAS ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Edge is still out selling some injury. Doesn’t anyone remember that he’s just being an asshole? We have another couple eliminations now as Shelton goes for his top-rope vertical leap thing and…

SHELTON BENJAMIN ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

Which is quickly followed up by a top-rope crotching on Kenny, then a chop of doom:

KENNY DYKSTRA ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

and

JOHNNY NITRO ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Which brings us to the same shit that we’ve seen the last two weeks from these guys; chopping and pointless springboarding abounds. Back & forth between these two until Flair eye pokes Carlito and proves how he pwnes this ring full of n00bs:

CARLITO ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

That makes Ric Flair our winner? Of course not, as Edge is healed from his injury and, to the surprise of maybe six people alive, rolls back in and tosses Flair out on his ass.

RIC FLAIR ELIMINATED BY EDGE

WINNER: EDGE, WHO KEEPS HIS SPOT IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Not really anything other than Edge doing a good job fueling his dick fire *insert tired old Lita joke here*

OVERALL: First of all, they really need to create an “Edge Rule” for these battle royals; if you’re outside the ring for more than ten seconds, they start counting your ass out. It was a great heel tactic the first couple times, but it’s a bit silly now and if it happens again, the “over-the-top battle royal” is officially broken until repaired. At this point, you could jump in the ring, roll out, go have a green tea and a fucking bagel and show back up at the end to claim victory. Not cool anymore. Now, as far as the match, I’m unsure what changed here, as well as unsure of the point of this whole thing other than to piss me off when I’m given false hope of either Nitro or Benjamin getting into the match they both would OWN in. It gets one middle thumb because it could have been much worse. Viscera could have won it.

Tonight, we get our first look (first of what will end up way too god damn many looks) at Steve Austin’s “The Condemned”. Prepare to have yet another movie forcefully rammed up your smarky asses.

And, right on cue (as it is 9:56 - Vince o’clock) , here comes McMahon w/ slave and a bunch of guys who bring the barber shit to ringside….next is Umaga vs. Eugene. FORESHADOWING???!!??!?

Vince says the same shit - BOTB Shill #4 - and then introduces UUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGA, with the IC title that I already forgot existed.

UMAGA vs. EUGENE

There’s no point in recapping this one. Umaga most literally squashes Eugene (repeatedly, with his huge savage ass) and then the Thumb. We’re done.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Eugene getting owned always makes me laugh.

OVERALL: Total and true squash. I’d give it two “fuck yous”, but he squashed Eugene, so I’ll let it slide.

After the match, Vince gets an idea (oh, shit - not another ABORTION angle???!?!?) - he’s going to make an example for Trump by shaving Eugene’s head! Umaga thumbs Eugene one more time before they strap him to the chair and Vince goes wacky with the clippers, butchering his hair before delivering the feared and now surely patented “Billionaire Bitch Slap”. Every time I hear Vince say that I just picture him being dipped in a vat of acid.

They take Eugene to the back to “finish the job” as McMahon declares that he’d shave everyone’s head in this arena bald! Trump drops money, Vince drops HAIRCUTS.

Raw’s the best show on TV.

Back from break, Candace Michelle is in the ring wearing what I can only describe as cut up pajamas. She mentions something about Milena having issues with Playboy cover girls and calls her bitch ass out!!

Milena comes out and says something to the effect of “the only reason you still have a job is because you take off your clothes”. This isn’t news, chica - it’s the WWE. Of COURSE that’s why she still has a job. Then she mentions that Playboy chicks have no talent and that Playboy is beneath her. Candace tosses a burn her way (something about the locker room being beneath her, while backstage only Johnny Nitro laughs) before calling her out to a Bra & Panties match, which prompts Milena to drop skirt and shit all over her argument by agreeing to face her in a match that promotes the god damn opposite of what she’s saying. That’ll settle the fucking score. JR totally taps into Lawler and says “Oh my God! Bra & panties - we’re going to get it on!” as we head to break.

CANDACE MICHELLE VS. MILENA - BRA & PANTIES MATCH

This goes how they all go, friends. We’ll just mention the good parts. Candace pulls off Milena’s skirt first, which totally pisses her off.

Side note: I feel awkward every time JR says the word “panties”. I can’t really explain why.

Now Candace loses her top as the ring gets totally PG-13 with some kinky roll-around-the-ring-half-nekkid shit, before Milena finishes the job by pulling off the half-pants Candace was rocking. That shit is officially settled, bitch - I’ve forced you to show the world only a tiny portion of what you’ve already shown them yourself. Recognize.

WINNER: MILENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The obvious

OVERALL: The side thumb is for Milena’s butt this week. I’ll give you one guess what the symbolism is there…

We’re not done with the pointlessicity as the Useless Plastic heads to the ring, doing what all chicks do to the winners of Bra & Panties matches - WE ALL WIN as Ashley pulls off Milena’s top for her. She rolls out of the ring, suddenly very modest and self-conscious about showing the world her bra, when on the weekly she practically shows her taint to the entire planet. Big fat whatever.

Shit turns to a substance so sucky that it does not yet exist as this whole fiasco is interrupted by KHALI. Milena takes one more crack at Ashley before she bolts, leaving her in the ring with the Punjabi Pile. He starts choking her ass, before Lawler (?) jumps up from the announce booth to make the save. This results in Lawler being chokebombed and a whole fucking lot of nothing else.

They shill two more matches for the night w/o voice-overs (WOW! WRESTLING!), one being Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton up next.

BOTB Shill #5, as we ask more B-list celebrities about the match. I’m running out of jokes for this whole thing, so I’m just going to say “fuckbeans”.

Re-Todd Grisham is replacing Lawler for the next match. Hardy heads to the ring still selling Khali’s chokebomb from last week; this guy throws himself off 12-foot ladders, but can’t take a bump in the ring from about 2 1/2 feet off the ground? Khali must poison you with suck venom before he drops you or something…anyway, Randy’s heading to the ring all about bid-ness as we skip the pose and pyro and go right to the ring.

JEFF HARDY vs. RANDY ORTON

Back & forth to start out until Randy hits the Bagshitter and begins the feared appendage stomping for a 2-count, which you would think would lead to a chinlock, but actually leads to the “Walls of Chinlock”. Apparently, Randy’s trying something new this week and is actually working on the “injured” part of Jeff Hardy. Edge had better watch out if he goes into MITB with that broken jaw, as Orton will OWN him with his chinlocky goodness.

Hardy gets out and mounts a comeback, hitting the Flippy Twisty I’m Not Sure Which Part Of Me Is Supposed To Hit You In The Wind, before Edge makes his heelish presence known by running out and throwing a ladder in the ring. Orton can’t resist being a bastard and hits Jeff with it, causing the DQ.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: 100% chinlock free! Holy SHITBALLS!

OVERALL: This match existed solely to add fuel to the fire between Rated RKO. It did that. It did nothing else.

After the match, Edge & Orton have words before Hardy attacks Orton with a Twist of Fate, then sets up the ladder to nail him with the leapfrog legdrop (I always dig that spot). Edge leaves Randy’s ass there and walks away with that smug Edge look on his face. You know the one. Is it weird that I already care more about an Orton/Edge feud than either of the two ‘Mania main events? No it isn’t? Ok.

Up next - the sneak peak at the Condemned…..and it looks like “The Running Man” with Austin. Thanks - I’ll pass. This one, even MORE than Kane’s or Cena’s, is going to rely SOLELY on people going to see it for Stone Cold. Good luck with that, WWE Films. If you missed this exclusive look, don’t worry. As I mentioned earlier, they’ll show it a few more times. Ross mentions that Austin will be the biggest hell-raiser in Hollywood, and all I see is fucking Pinhead getting the Stunner. Oh, HELL yeah…

They run down the portion of the ‘Mania card that involves Raw guys (BOTB Shill #6) before we cut to Vince & Slave backstage, where we find out that next week, it’ll be Lashley vs. VINCE. Fucking YAY. Coach tells McMahon that’s probably not a good idea (FIRE HIM!!!), but Vince guarantees a win (DAMMIT!!!).

DX music hits again as HBK will be doing commentary for the main event. He’ll be sitting next to Todd Grisham, who should be ready for a superkick at any moment.

We tie up some shit, like showing a bald & crying Eugene and reminding you of a match next week between Lashley and Vince, in case you weren’t watching, say, two minutes ago.

Main event time - 10:55.

JOHN CENA vs. CHRIS BENOIT - WRESTLEMANIA REVERSAL MATCH

Benoit comes to the ring looking the same as ever, followed by John Cena looking the same as ever.

Cena Reaction Report: He’s over tonight - pretty loud pop, but it’s the first time we’ve seen his ass, too.

Bell sounds and Benoit starts in control, while the announcers treat this match like they’ve never faced before. Speaking of announcers, JR refers to Benoit as “a walking weapon”, and all I think of is a missle with little T-rex arms; imagine getting a diving headbutt from that.

Back to reality - Cena is, naturally, getting owned by Benoit. They tease an “I almost hit you” spot with Michaels at ringside, before we head in the ring with Benoit still in control. Like there’s any way he’s winning this one. Cena starts to club his way towards a comeback, but ends up in the Sharpshooter. Rope break by Cena, which leads to him taking the three German Suplexes (which Ross calls the “3 Amigos” - they’re fucking GERMAN suplexes, wank - if they’re three of anything, call them the “3 Freunds”. On second thought, don’t do that. That sounds fucking dumb).

Now, Benoit goes to the top rope and airballs the headbutt (which USED to mean he was winning the match - I called it the “Benoit Factor”; every time he’d hit the headbutt, he’d lose the match, and vice versa. I’ve discovered that this is nearly always true, except when he held a championship, like tonight!). The airball leads to the super-duper Cena 5 Moves of Doom, starting with shoulderblock, spinout powerbomb, dancy-fuck fistdrop, then goes for the F-U. Benoit says fuck all that & counters to the Crippler Crossface. Cena says fuck all THAT this is my show and my unending push as he counters into the Machine Gun Face, which actually causes Benoit to tap. Wow. Benoit tapped?

WINNER: JOHN CENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhh…the totally unexpected finish?

OVERALL: I’m tired of the Cena formula. I’m also tired of the Cena music, the Cena spinner belt, the Cena t-shirts, and pretty much everything else relating to Cena. Also, Benoit looked MEGA SUPER WEAK tapping out to that half-ass submission hold. Course, I guess he made Triple H tap to it also. Maybe in that hold he’s harnessed the power of a THOUSAND killed pushes that made way for the reign of Cena. Or maybe they’re just stupid and fed Benoit to Cena because he can go back to Smackdown and we can all pretend it never happened. Either way, I hated the finish. HATED THE FINISH.

Afterwards, HBK jumps in the ring and teases Sweet Chin Music, but he’s only screwing around with him. They shake hands, Cena lifts HBK up for the F-U, then puts him down, as he was only screwing with him back. Neither have the balls to do it. Fuckin’ t-shirts.

One last thing happens tonight as JBL makes another appearance to announce next week’s 2 main events for THE BIGGEST RAW EVER (this year, in March, until the next biggest one): VINCE vs. LASHLEY and a rematch from No Way Out: CENA/MICHAELS vs. BATISTA/UNDERTAKER. Blah. Vince is going to have an aneurysm figuring out which one of those two matches will be the REAL main event. Tune in next week to see sorta two tag teams sorta kinda get along then feel the TENSION as they sorta kinda act like they hate each other but not too much. Fuckers.

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was only slightly less pointless than the last couple weeks. I don’t give it two thumbs down for one major reason: some things DID happen - we just really don’t care. Eugene is bald! DON’T CARE!! Masterlock is broken??!! DON’T CARE!! Edge got briefly pulled from the Money In The Bank match!! DON’T CARE!! Benoit & JBL were here! DON’T CARE….well, I was GOING to care….then it turned out like butt. Point is they did try. Try and fail, but try they did. Points for trying.

BTW - I hate this time of year, when Wrestlemania is totally locked up and there’s nothing to do on TV except shill Wrestlemania. Next week can only get worse. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!!

Raw = Poo

Outtie.

WRESTLEMANIA XX (20 for those of you who don’t speak Roman): Where It All Begins Again!! Hells yeah!!!

SIDEBAR - knowing how senile McMahon is getting these days (and maybe by then desperate for buyrates), imagine if he goes back to the Roman numbers for big ol number 30 - Wrestlemania XXX - The Big One Comes Again…. That bitch will get a few extra buys just on the name; course by then they’ll probably be charging 99.95 for the PPV….so I got nothing…

Back to the review - this originally aired live on PPV March 14^th, 2004 from MSG, and the DVD specifically being reviewed is the 2-sided disc from the Wrestlemania Anthology (which is the crown jewel of above mentioned collection).

This WM had a lot working for it, and it held up to it’s promise of “beginning again”, as there were many guys making their first true Wrestlemania appearance here that would be given the ball for the next few years. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing based on how it’s turning out, but let’s just review this particular 3-hour niblet of wrestling excitement match by match….

MATCHES:

1. United States Championship Match (or the “Never be bigger than the Intercontinental Championship cause the US will never be bigger than a whole CONTINENT, Smackdown bitches!” title. No one really calls it that.)

BIG SHOW (champion) vs. JOHN CENA (Then - rapper w/o rap album. Now - marine w/ rap album)

Ok - this one was tough to watch; Cena is SO over with the damn NEW YORK crowd at this show that it’s a no-brainer he became main event. However - and this is ALL I’m going to say about Cena cause this isn’t a rant about his “if we ignore the boos they’ll go away” booking of the past year - it’s re-fucking damn-diculous that WWE thought that it was a good idea to take away virtually everything that made Cena over in the first place and just shove him so far up our asses that he comes back out the mouth and returns to where he started, only now he stinks (he he there’s a visual for you). THIS show was an example of what was and will never be again as it pertains to Cena - he was totally over and the Big Show was a perfect opponent for Cena to offset his limited in-ring skill with his sheer strength. Match was decent - standard for both of these guys, plus a bonus for Big Show here because he wasn’t yet looking like he was smuggling tires. Match ends like 78.6% of John Cena matches do - the almighty sideways scoop slam flatteringly named the F-U (the other percentile being taken by: 11.2% STF-U/Machine Gun Face 7.8% DQ, Run In, or Other Heelness, 2.3% The Other Guy Wins, and 0.1% ALMIGHTY SCHOOL BOY!). Thus began the era of “title belts becoming parts of my ring attire” John Cena, as he leaves WMXX the US champion.

Match score: *** (bonus star for Cena nostalgia - before he became Sgt. Milquetoast)

Between matches, they show a promo from Evolution - and I just have one comment. If you see this (or have seen it) look at Randy Orton’s head. Looking? Ok stop now and look at his head these days. His actual face is the same size, but his head is way fucking bigger now. Ego inflation? Very Likely. The Juice? Of course. This guy’s screwed up so many times and done things that everyone else would have been fired twice over for, but not only does he have a job - he’s a top dog on the “main show”. And he KNOWS it. So why try hard for a lean, mean, natural physique when you could just get it the “old fashioned” (read: WWE circa 1988) way? Not like he’d be fired or anything if they caught him - shit, Vince telling someone not to hit the needle is a bit like Saddam Hussein telling Bin Laden to stop being such a prick. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get off on a tangent there - let’s move on.

2. Fatal 4-Way for the World Tag-Team Championship (holy bleeding shit! FOUR teams?):

RVD & BOOKER T (champions) vs. DUDLEY BOYZ vs. GARRISON CADE/MARK JINDRAK vs. LA RESISTANCE.

Nowadays it definitely seems silly to have two sets of tag team title belts when you barely have enough teams in YOUR WHOLE COMPANY to justify having ONE set, but fuck you and fuck your silly opinion - championships mean something regardless of how mis-booked and tossed around meaninglessly they may be. So shut up and watch and care. Some notes worth noting (guess that’s why they’re called notes): La Resistance was the Conway/Dupree version this time around, I still can’t figure out why they felt the need to split this team up in every fashion - the French/Quebec/generic foreign asshole gimmick is TIMELESS. Like Twinkies - never really gets old no matter how sick of it you may be. Also, this was the last WM w/ the Dudley Boyz before their jump to the “place we don’t speak of”, and the first of one of Garrison (SURPRISE it’s also LANCE!) Cade. The match itself wasn’t bad - there were a few good spots (mostly featuring the champions at the time) - and I usually hate these “first pin wins fatal four way tag matches where inevitably one moron tags another teams partner in instead of his own not realizing that it would be more logical to just get your ass kicked instead of give another guy’s partner a chance to win because if your adversary goes for a pinfall there are FIVE guys there to break it up so just stay in the ring and tough it out, ya puss” matches…..but this one was booked pretty smartly. RVD-T retain the belts with a scissor kick-five star combo. And by they way - I said nothing about Mark Jindrak because there’s nothing to be said. Except that there is nothing.

Match score: ***½ (extra half point for good booking - it’s gotta stand for something anymore, right?)

3. CHRIS JERICHO vs. CHRISTIAN

Damn. Damn damn damn. I enjoyed the hell out of this angle, even if it did go a little chick-flicky, the ending made it all worth it. Which was here, by the way. To sum up - Christian bet Jericho a Canadian Dollar that he could bang Lita before Jericho banged Trish (do NOT take that bet, Chris….let’s just say the odds are against you). All Lita/whore jokes aside, the angle went to where Jericho fell for Trish and Christian kept trying to fuck things up by hitting on Trish every chance he got. Our hero finds out, gets pissed, and they settle their man-issues the only way that two men should - at Wrestlemania, motherfucker!!! This build was good, this match was great (these guys worked awesome together - as friends or foes - no jokes can be made there), and the ending was super with Trish “inadvertently” costing Jericho the match, then full-on turning on him to become Christian’s tongue-slut in the end; the spiritual precursor to the Edge-Lita of later years. Apparently Big Bro got jealous so he eventually went after Lita, his sibling’s former flame…..aahhh, fuck it - I’ll leave it out. Lita/whore jokes really ARE soooo 2006. In other news, I dug the hell out of this match; definitely a top-three match of the night. Makes perfect sense that neither one of these guys would be any closer to main-event status this time next year and both be gone from WWE by 2006. Go Vince Go. Hip hip ho-fucking-ray.

Match score: ****½

It is at this point that Lillian Garcia interviews Mick Foley, making his return to the ring, and then being interrupted none other than THE ROCK - also returning to the ring (and sporting a bizarre goatee that makes him look like “evil Rock“ from an alternate dimension). This SOB can walk completely away from the business and come back to pick it up right where he left it. This promo shows it - and just so happens to be the last Rock promo in WM history, not to mention the last Rock APPEARANCE at WM. (even though WM went HOLLYWOOD in 2005, the Rock evidently was ahead of his time and went Hollywood nearly three years ago - that’s why you missed out, mate - you got on the early train. Or maybe it’s because he left to make MILLIONS…….AND MILLIONS of dollars without having the Vince stink on him while doing it. Yeah that’s probably it)

4. 2 on 3 Handicap Tag Team Match

ROCK & SOCK CONNECTION vs. EVOLUTION (or the HHHomies, as I’ve never called them until now)

Stars of the past put over stars of the future. That’s been the rule in the biz forever. However - if one could have told the future, one would have realized that in the year to come, Evolution would be put over EVERYONE except each other, going all the way to the NEXT WM. They ruled Raw to the point to where barely anyone remembers who Benoit defended the belt against that year (OOOPS SPOILER!!!!) except for the MUST HAVE Backlash WM rematch and the time he lost to Orton at Summer Slam (which involved guess who?). Sooooo….my point is - even though it was the right thing to do - it would have hurt Evolution ZERO to go down to the fucking Rock for one night. Hell, cripple him afterwards to draw the heat and be the true “winners”. But I would have like to see the Rock win his last match. He wasn’t even involved in the decision - Orton RKO’d Foley for the three count to further the only true storyline in this match that wasn’t dead after this night. Match itself was the usual heels vs. baby faces fare, except the heels had an extra guy - extra dose of heel-age. Ending still doesn’t sit too well with this jack off, but no one asked me what I would have done so I guess in the grand scheme of shit it doesn’t matter. Rock would go on to continue reaching movie stardom, Foley would continue retiring and unretiring, Flair would continue wiping poo on his legacy by stumbling through chop-flop-backdrop matches, Batista would continue on to be the only person in the history of time to cleanly beat HHH three straight matches (the sex must have been FANTASTIC) and then lose all of that heat pretty much right after ol Trips took the training wheels off his ass, and Orton would continue to strive to become a legend himself, after which he will hopefully take a cyanide pill in the center of the ring and put himself in Death’s chinlock for all eternity.

Match score: **** (one WHOLE extra star from what it would have been for NO other reason that it’s the Rock’s last match in WWE. Face it, Vince - he’s not coming back)

They then had a segment involving the WWE Hall of Fame class of 2004 - most notably inducted were Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan. Nothing like a REAL hall of fame for a sport whose outcomes are predetermined and the stars are created. I’m sorry - I’ll shut up about that one - every year I at least get to see whose still alive and who they’re going to drum back up and shove in the ring for ONE more run.

SIDEBAR - that little video montage they run nowadays before all of the WWE programming just SCREAMS WWE: don’t forget - we USED to be cool!!! THE WORLD IS WATCHING!!!

5. First Ever (read: usually stupid ass idea, and that is why it was not done previously) Playboy Evening Gown Match

SABLE & TORRIE WILSON VS. STACY KEIBLER & MISS JACKIE

I own this DVD, my DVD player comes with a pause feature, and yet for some reason when this came on, I just left it there and went to take a piss. Something about women just makes my crotch tickle - he he. Double meaning on that one (cue Peter Griffin laugh). I did see most of it, and most of it was crap. Torrie Wilson seems to look different yet exactly the same as the years go on, and I have officially dubbed the award for fakest tits in Vince-Land the “Sable Award” (held for years by ol “Nazi Tits” Stratus, who was recently usurped by Melina, - her boobs are like naughty children; they don’t move unless mommy tells them it’s OK). But I still never tire of looking at Stacy Keibler (another escapee to the land of “more potential and less McMahon bullshit”), and I wonder who Miss Jackie had to blow to get back in the ring in any respect - at a ‘Mania no less! Pitching the rule book (if one exists for things such as Playboy evening gown matches) out the window, the ladies opt to start with their gowns off to wrestle. So, all in all, the winners were prepubescent teenagers and fake breast aficionados about the viewing population.

Match score: ** (my asterisks look like two tiny nipples…well, maybe not)

There’s then a segment with Benoit and Guerrero regarding their title matches later, about which I’m only going to say three things:

1. Chris Benoit does not age - he simply shaves and gets haircuts.

2. That “Undisputed” title belt (pre-abomination rapper jewelry belt) is FUCKING HUGE on a normal sized guy like Eddie - “normal” meaning “not jacked up”

3. I MISS EDDIE GUERRERO. HE WAS AWESOME, BUT HE IS GONE. PLEASE LET THE MAN PASS AWAY AND MOVE ON. VICKIE, PLEASE GO HOME AND TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN. STOP. ALL CAPS PROVIDE A STERN EMPHASIS ON THIS STATEMENT.

5. First-Ever (see above) WWE Cruiserweight Championship Open

CHAVO GUERRERO (champion, w/ Chavo Sr.) vs. JAMIE NOBLE (with multiple pushes that ultimately went nowhere) vs. FUNAKI (w/ grace of the Almighty that he’s STILL on the roster) vs. ULTIMO DRAGON (w/ only shot at wrestling in MSG) vs. REY MYSTERIO (w/o BOO-YAKKA thank God) vs. NUNZIO (w/o sense as to why he couldn’t just be “Little Guido”) vs. TAJIRI (w/ JIMMY WANG YANG!!!) vs. SHANNON MOORE (w/ second push recently obliterated by CM Punk) vs. BILLY KIDMAN (w/ ability to fuck up marriage to Playboy cover girl)

Wow - NINE cruiserweights? WOW! And again! WOW! Unheard of…those darn little guys making the big guys look bad with their crazy flippy shit and arm drags. Unfortunately, this title means about as much anymore as calling yourself the king of the bouncy castle. But this match, as clusterfucky as it was, was good. It was refreshing to see this style showcased on the big stage of the “E”. Chavo was pretty much the same character here as he has played recently (minus the corpse raping of course) and ditto for Rey Mysterio, who were obviously in a feud at this time (never seen that one before). A few quick notes - Shannon Moore looked NOTHING like he does now, but oddly enough things seemed familiar when he jobbed in about a minute to Jamie Noble to be the first elimination. All but two of these guys were former or future Cruiserweight champions (Dragon wasn’t around long enough and Moore was, and still is, pretty much a jobber), but alas the belt didn’t change hands tonight - it came down to (naturally) Chavo & Rey Rey, with ol Chavito getting the victory off interference from his papi. Good spots, good showcase of the talent, all to mask terrible booking of an underused championship.

Match score: ***½ (could have been better, could have been much worse)

6. Interpromotional Match

GOLDBERG vs. BROCK LESNAR (w/ STEVE AUSTIN AS SPECIAL REFEREE)

Pure blender-pulsed shit. I could say a ton or a little about how bad this match was. Both guys were checking out of Vince-land after this show and they had one last chance on the grand stage to give the world this huge encounter of two clashing worlds. Instead, they opted to take turns trying to jerk each other off while the NY crowd DUMPED ALL OVER IT. Thank whatever you believe in for Steve Austin - without him in the ring, this match would have been a black hole of heat to the point to where an anti-matter universe would swallow our existing one in seconds. I really don’t want to say any more about it - Goldberg won the bout, but the whole world lost about 20 minutes of their lives. I remember this match live, and upon reflection I thought that the second time around wouldn’t be that bad. It was. It SO was.

Match score: (not a mistype - there are no fucking stars there. Not even invisible ones)

Strangely enough, after this match, Vince himself comes out and THANKS the crowd for making Wrestlemania and the WWE what it is today. Keep in mind that today was still 3 years ago, before McMahon decided to go batshit insane and pretty much say fuck the crowd. And then they say “TNA, TNA, TNA”. I love wrestling.

6. Fatal 4-Way for the WWE Tag-Team Championship (holy bleeding shit! FOUR MORE teams?):

SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & RIKISHI (champions) VS. APA VS. BASHAM BROTHERS VS. WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

Why not do it again? This time with the other meaningless tag belts! I still don’t know why Scotty & Rikishi were still as over as they were around this time, but they were. APA would be done soon after this match, as Bradshaw was now in full-on JBL mode with the short brown haircut and shave (but before he thanked the Lord every day that Lesnar decided he wanted to play the football so someone else would get that monster heel push), and Faarooq was retiring (only to return as Raw’s resident comic relief! DAMN! HILARITY!). Bashams have come and gone and no one really ever cared, and the WGTT have been all over the place in storylines and releases, only to complete the vicious circle and return to Raw with about half a horn’s worth of fanfare. They’re the WORLDS GREATEST for Chrissakes…right. Tonight, however, they were obviously not the greatest on THIS world, cause Rikishi & Scotty retained those belts by pinning Doug/Danny in yet another “first pin wins” four-way - another one where the champs needlessly retain. This match wasn’t as good as the earlier Raw tag one, but ended with that still popular fat man boogie that the ‘Kish used to do. I fuckin’ hated it when Tazz called him “Kish”. He is not a cheeze pie - he’s a fat Samoan with a fat ass. Shut up. Not for nothin’! As I was typing the prevoius word, my damn word processor kept trying to auto-correct it to say “nothing”. Fuck you, MS Words - you need to learn to speak Tazz. Rocket buster! I’ve been on both ends of that hold, Joey! I bet you have….and I used to like you so much. Sorry - more ranting. Of all people in this match, BRADSHAW would be WORLD CHAMPION in less than 4 months from this date. Of course it will happen. I can see the future (right up there on the rack next to WM XX).

Match score: **½ (half point for trying)

There’s a segment here where Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump - and for some reason it just makes me want to go outside and tip cars over and burn churches, so I just skipped it to the next match….

7. Women’s Championship

VICTORIA (champion) vs. MOLLY HOLLY

This was the infamous (not famous at all) “challenger loses hair if she doesn’t win the belt” match. Poor Molly had been shit on her whole career by Vince - of COURSE she was going to end up the bald bitch. I burned my piss break earlier so I decided to give this one my full attention and it wasn’t nearly as bad as most of the women’s title matches are nowadays. These girls could both go (somewhat anyway) and Pro Wrestling Rule #342 came into place during this match (that was just an arbitrary number in a made up rule list): “Don’t ever try to beat your opponent with his or her finisher, unless you are brother of said opponent (see Hart, Owen and Taker, Under)” Molly tried to Widow’s Peak Victoria (a pretty gnarly finisher for the women’s division - I STILL think that), but got the almighty roll-up, and then got SHAVED. I was secretly hoping that Victoria would pull a Jim Mitchell and scalp her with the clippers, but she was done being the crazy bitch and was turning into the “spirit fingers” Victoria so I figured it wouldn’t happen. Plus, it didn’t happen that way when it was live so I imagine it would have been the exact same on the DVD. NEVER would they mettle with history like that! Vince McMahon. HELL no!

Match score: **½ (the half-star was just to put it over the tit-fest from earlier in the show - this one was a better “match”)

8. WWE Championship Match

EDDIE GUERRERO (champion) vs. KURT ANGLE

Another match we’ll never see again. And that’s a fuckin’ bummer. This one was my personal favorite match of the night. I loved both wrestlers, I loved the angle they went with, and I loved the fact that they gave Eddie the strap in the first place and let him go prove that he deserved it by taking on Angle. The images of Eddie as champion celebrating with the title when he won it (and later in this match where he retained it) are burned into the minds of every real wrestling fan alive today. Keep them there, kids - that’s where Uncle Eddie will TRULY live on. Great, great, GREAT finish to the match, making Angle lose nothing in a loss with the “loose boot” trick, playing fully on his never-be-replicated “lie, cheat, & steal” gimmick. This match justified Eddie as a true champion with him retaining against the always great Kurt Angle. I really have nothing funny to say here - great match. Well, hang on…..poopy shit. That’s kind of funny. In a three-year-old kind of way. But that’s all I’m giving here. This match alone is worth the show; it was when Eddie was still with us, and even more so now that things are the way they are.

Match score: *****

9. UNDERTAKER vs. KANE (Return of the Deadman - he’s…alive?…again? vs. The Gumpy Dumpy Monk-y named Glen)

Well, I’ve gotta be honest - this one had a pretty cool buildup for the throwback Taker return. I will say one thing about the “Biggest American Big Bad Red Evil Devil Dog in the Yard” version of Big Mark - the HEEL version would have been much easier to swallow had it NOT been the Undertaker portraying that character. That’s just my opinion. But now we’re just supposed to forget all that other shit happened (and for once, most people were more than willing to in this case) and welcome back the Deadman. (OOHHHH YESSSS - Paul Bearer was there too, but that asshole Kane didn’t even say hi to his daddy!) The story here is that Kane buried his brother cause Taker wasn’t a monster anymore - without even bothering to look at himself and realize that he looks about as monstrous as Baby Huey without the mask.

I think the entrances were almost longer than the match here, as Undertaker makes what was formerly the world’s longest entrance into the world’s even fucking longer entrance. I still stand by my theory that the reason he got the bike to go with the previous gimmick is so he would get his happy ass to the ring and stop wasting valuable TV time strolling through the misty meadow - there’s plenty of other shit they could waste time with. Now, when Taker gets to the ring, two things come to mind. First - he looks like a haggard-ass Van Helsing crossed with an old-west sheriff. Second - obviously he didn’t have enough time to grow his hair back properly, as he’s rocking some serious emo hair. Any minute now he’ll start whining about Sara not showing him enough love and telling us that Kane was always the favorite son, which is why he got tattoos - to be DIFFERENT (just like everyone else). Ok I’ve typed too much shit and not enough actual review so I’ll make this quick, seeing as how the Super Destruction Bros. did as well. The match is filled with 6’10”-7’0” offense; big boots, sidewalk slams, and whatnot, not to mention everyone’s classic spots (including one that should NO LONGER be called Old School ever again from this point forward). The ending was predictable - Taker sticking Kane with the Tombstone, and looking like he was trapped in his ass while he was doing so. Match was okay - way more about the spectacle than anything; I had remembered nearly everything about this match prior to watching it again, and it was still pretty cool to see the return of the O.G. (original gimmick). But someone now needs to tell Kane to do the same shit…

Match Score: *** (one FULL star extra for “the PRESENCE of the UNDERTAKER!!”” Bong…..Bong…..Bong…)

10. Triple-Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

TRIPLE H (champion - of course) vs. SHAWN MICHAELS vs. CHRIS BENOIT

Ah - we’ve come to our main event . HHH was in full-on “I rule the world (wrestling entertainment), but I am not yet a king - that’s in two more years” mode, he and HBK were in the midst of a feud, and Benoit was on Smackdown and just won the Royal Rumble. He decided he wanted to face HHH for the belt, HBK doesn’t like that idea none, and super kicks Benoit back to Edmonton (which is WAY farther away than “now residing in Atlanta, GA”) and signs one of those bogus contracts. That’s pretty much the build to this match, but it didn’t need much. This was to be the payoff for Benoit throwing the WCW belt in the trash the day he won it (and also, silly enough, his last day with the company). And the match delivered. A few entrance notes: Benoit could have been walking to any ring at any point in his career (something to be said about consistency), HBK was sporting the NOT-FUCKING-CHAPS tights he wore pretty much up until after this point, and HHH came out with “the precious” and some WHITE RING BOOTS. Eh? These proceeded to fuck with me for about ¾ of the match; almost as bad as the time he wore the biker short looking tights, or the god awful purple ones. I think he learned from all this “experimentation” - stick with chicks….I mean black tights, black boots. Now - the match itself….better than expected, and for me, better than I’d remembered it (when I watched it on PPV, I was very NOT high on HHH at this point and the son of a bitch just wouldn’t lose fast enough). It fell victim to the standard WWE triple threat formula, however, with the concrete on the outside being replaced with thousands of tiny tranquilizer dart tips that cripple the shit out of you any time you touch the floor….BUT, since this is the way they ALL are, we’ll just move past it. All three men had their working boots on (WHITE boots - WTF?) and put on a great match; as well booked and worked as any triple threat could have been considering the whole dart floor thing. What makes the match is the ending, as we see Benoit winning the World Heavyweight Title for the first time in his career. Props to HHH for putting Benoit over clean with a tap out while in the Crippler Crossface, then props revoked for dominating the show for the next year even while Benoit was champion. Grrr….but I’m not going to let that run this match. Great stuff, which lead to an actually decent Backlash “obligatory fuck you and fuck your money” rematch. The ultimate capper to the night had Benoit and Guerrero crying and hugging holding world championships mid-ring - an iconic image in WWE history now and forever….that ABRUPTLY cuts off on my DVD to show a picture of none other than VINCE and the voiceover of “Twenty years ago, one man had a vision….”, reminding us all what and who it’s really about. Don’t forget that, motherfuckers.

Match score: **** (just the image of Benoit/Guerrero with titles would have gotten two stars)

Well, there you have it - my first review for your snacking pleasure. Overall, this show was very entertaining and had quite the star-studded lineup; just on this show, there were 22(!) wrestlers (fuck the term “superstars”, by the way - Paul McCartney’s a fucking superstar, Rob Conway is just a fucking wrestler) that were either former or future world champions in either WWE or not WWE, including every single champion that’s held the belt(s) since this show (except for Edge, he wasn’t physically on the show - it must have been PG-13 HA HA HA - but he had a promo hyping his return to the ring on the show that I didn’t mention earlier…he was nursing an injury and trying to think of ways to make his chin grow before his return). That alone was worth the…uhh…price? Either way, if you haven’t seen this show (either at all or in a while), I recommend it. Go any earlier with the ‘Manias, and it will make you long for the old “F” days, and going later will just prove to you that pretty much jack shit has really happened since. It’s a good bridge. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that!