Mar 26, 2007

Yay! Finally no announcement of any passed-on wrestlers starting off this week, although Raw’s in Chicago tonight so they might be announcing the death of John Cena’s momentum going into 23 if the crowd’s anything like last year’s ‘Mania.

Either way, we start tonight with Coach in the ring. I hate Coach. That’s all I got. Anyway, he mentions that tonight’s Lashley vs. Vince match will now be no-DQ, with any unauthorized outside interference being met with fines and suspensions. This basically ensures that we will see a run-in fest in favor of McMahon. Like you saw it going down any other way.

Suddenly, Coach is interrupted by the GLASS BREAKING (ahhh…just like the good ol’ days) and Stone Cold’s on his way to the ring. Austin starts talking about Trump buying him a bunch of presents to pay him off, when Coach interrupts him to tell him that Vince would never do that. Austin then ignores the interruption to pick up right where he left off, which was that the presents were actually from McMahon.

Stone Cold then declares that he should DQ Vince right here and shave his head for trying to screw with the official, but then Coach, like the true man-tool-slave he is, totally takes the bullet for McMahon and says it was HIS idea. Austin then goes off on a rant about how he’s the boss in the ring on Sunday, then goes to leave the ring.

Coachman then shoots himself in the face by calling Steve back and trying to verbally ass-pat him by telling him that they both make bald look beautiful. He gets the Stunner for his ass-patting efforts. Enter the beer and post-Stunner celebration as Austin leaves the ringside area…

….but he ain’t gone yet, kids - he hops in his truck and nearly runs into McMahon’s limo, who screams at him but then realizes that it’s Austin and tries to kiss his ass. Austin gives him the ol’ FUCK YOU sign and leaves. Vince then beats up and fires his limo driver. Piss drunk with power.

Up next, we get three Playboy cover girls in action - and NOT the kind of action you get on those free DVDs that come with the magazine subscription (so I’ve heard..). The stupid kind of action.

JILLIAN HALL, VICTORIA, & MILENA vs. ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE - 6-BEEEYATCH TAG MATCH

Yay - four times the boobs, four times the suck. It’s about this time that they tell us that the Ashley vs. Milena match at 23 will be a “Lumberjill Match”. This means the ring will be surrounded by all the useless plastic the company employs to make sure that all the blown-spot, hair-pully mayhem will be kept in check. Or, to ensure that there’s so much boobage abounds during the match that you won’t catch on to the terrible match cause you’ll be too busy waiting for a pop-out. Either or. I’m just holding on to the hope that during that match, Satan decides to cash in on Vince’s soul and starts by engulfing the ring in hellfire to ruin his PPV.

Meanwhile, we have a fantastic match on our hands here. We start with Ashley/Milena, then Candace/Victoria as the heels maintain control and work the tag formula by quickly tagging and isolating Candace. But evil is soon thwarted as she makes the kinda hot, but only when airbrushed tag to Ashley, who nails a rotten looking hurricanrana (hurriCANTrana?). Man, she’s terrible in the ring.

Now it’s Ashley/Jillian, where chicky offense results in the worlds slowest victory roll for the win for Team “We’re Over Cause We Got Naked”.

WINNERS: ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh, I’m going to say Candace’s top. It looked like a red bikini that she bought a size too small for her girls, giving us some bonus boob exposed. Not that that’s really THAT big of a deal. You’ve seen her nips.

OVERALL: I thought that there wasn’t a less deserving woman on the roster of the Women’s title when Milena won it. I now recant that statement - there most definitely is. And she’ll probably be the next one, as the belt will soon become the “prize one receives for showing the world your wax job”. One of two things (or both) will happen in their match (and this should be obvious by now): It will suck ass, or someone will get broken. But they book it at Mania anyway, while Johnny Nitro, Paul London, Shelton Benjamin, Chavo Guerrero, and many others get to watch it from backstage. Whatever blows your skirt up, WWE - or, in this case, blows it off.

Moving on, they shill the BOTB (Battle of the BULLSHIT) for the first of what will no doubt be too fucking many times tonight. Look, if you don’t know what’s going on between these guys by now, you’re not the target fucking market and you’re definitely not going to drop 50 bucks on a PPV. Fuck off with you.

Back from commercial, we get “Chicago’s Own” CM Punk? Isn’t he on another brand’s show?

CM PUNK vs. KENNY DYKSTRA

Kenny jumps Punk before the bell, Punk turns things around briefly with a clean-looking double-underhook backbreaker, but then heelish ways take over as Kenny turns it back his way with the CHINLOCK (Heel 101, remember?). It is at this point that an insanely loud CM Punk chant builds (as, again, he’s Chicago’s own) as he gets out of the dreaded chinlock and starts firing back with his offense (springboard clothesline, running knee + bulldog), then his wicked looking fireman’s carry-to-knee-to-fucking-face finisher for the pin. And I’m still supposed to buy that the F-U could take ANYONE out…

WINNER: CM PUNK

BEST PART OF MATCH: The simple fact that Punk showed up on Raw to wrestle was a welcome treat; apparently for the crowd as well, as he probably got one of the loudest chants I’ve heard in awhile. HEAR THAT, VINCE? He probably still won’t get the push he deserves because Vince didn’t create his character. Isn’t that right, Marcus Cor Von?

OVERALL: Match was a bit on the quick side, but both Kenny & Punk are always clean in the ring, and they worked well together for the brief time they got to go at it. Plus, I like CM Punk. That got the thumbs up on appearance alone.

Afterwards, Edge appears on the ‘tron to talk mad crazy mess to Punk about how he’s got no chance in the MITB match, but he’ll have a chance to tell him why he thinks he can win in a special edition of “The Cutting Edge” featuring all 8 of the guys from the match. It’s like an invasion; guys from OTHER BRANDS are coming to Raw. Set your fucking VCRs, amigos - it’s a once-in-a-week EVENT.

BOTB Shill #2 - really, if you don’t know the build by now, you are obviously an undiscovered species of fungus that lives on the underside of deep-ocean rocks. Or you don’t give a fuck.

Lawler does call Vince the “Corporate Man of Steel” after this particular shill. Quick! Someone forge a chair out of Kryptonite before he finds out his weakness!

Ok, that Cutting Edge thingy is happening right now, as everyone’s standing in the ring waiting for Edge, who comes in and gets on the mic. First, he obviously has his priorities in line as he totally pimps himself and his ladder match prowess, his Wrestlemania record, and his ability to fuck the girlfriend of one of the guys in the ring and avoid getting his face punched in even though he not only stole his bitch, but turned it into the biggest push of his life. He didn’t say that last part.

Now, he’s going to give everyone in the ring a chance to tell him why they think they can beat him:

What they said:

Matt Hardy: “You’ll be on your back like your ex-girlfriend”

King Booker: “None of you peasants have had the reign of King Booker”

Finlay: “I’m tired of all the talking”

Randy Orton: bitches about Edge

Kennedy: “Misssssssstttttaaaaaaaaa Keennnnnnne-” (Edge ripped the mic away before he could finish)

Jeff Hardy: “I’m going to steal the show”

CM Punk: “All you’re doing is running your mouth…”

What they should have said:

Matt Hardy: “I hate you and I hope you get cancer of the face”

King Booker: “You know, I wouldn’t even be in this match if I’d have shot Batista instead of punching him”

Finlay: “I’m too old to be falling off bloody ladders - can’t you young bucks get over on your own?”

Randy Orton: “I wonder how many people I can piss off and still get put on Wrestlemania?”

Kennedy: “Damn - they want me to make SEVEN of you look good?”

Jeff Hardy: “Thank GOD I got out of TNA - the last thing I needed was to be in a silly gimmick match. Wait…..”

CM Punk: “How sad is it that I’m the most over guy in this ring and I’ve been on TV for less than a year?”

This whole shebang leads to the inevitable brawl, which Edge inevitably runs the fuck away from, until the faces notice this and toss the heels out of the ring on their asses, leading to them chasing Edge. Yup.

Back from commercial, we get Maria (yum) backstage with Cena (damn).

Cena Reaction Report: Quick pop, then boos. This is the same town that crucified him last year at 22, though..

Cena cuts a promo, but it’s actually not like the majority of the promos he’s cut for the last year - it’s actually not bad. He runs down the different kinds of people at Wrestlemania this year before getting to himself and Michaels, whom he calls “two of the most controversial and charismatic individuals of all time”.

TIME OUT. I’ll give those things to HBK, and I’ll even give the charisma part to what Cena USED to be, but this controversial thing is getting out of hand. “Controversial” as it pertains to Cena is merely a bullshit excuse to explain the terrible crowd reaction he gets from those “defiant crowds” from time to time because they won’t just nut up and turn him heel because he’d sell less t-shirts. Cloning is controversial. You are just the end result of bad booking.

Back to the promo, where Cena says that after WM 23, there will only be one man talked about for years to come (Vince?); the man who toughed it out to say “the champ is here”.

BOTB Shill #3 - Blah. I’m out of fucking jokes. Here’s one: What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

Moving on with Raw, now - it’s Vince o’clock. Time to put the kids to bed, as shit’s about to get completely unbearable.

Right on time, they’re gearing up for Lashley vs. McMahon. I guess he decided to have his WRESTLERS as the WRESTLING SHOW’S main event. Good call.

But before that….BOTB Shill #4. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH FUCKFUCKFUCKAAAAAHHHH!!!

I feel better. For now.

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. VINCE MCMAHON - NO DQ LIKE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MATTER AS THIS SHIT IS NOT GOING DOWN MATCH

Vince is out first in all his non-billionaire swaggering glory, followed by Lashley with his double pyro-pop. I was secretly hoping Vince would forget about the ringpole pyros and totally pull a James Hetfield, torching his ass. He didn’t.

McMahon starts by grabbing a microphone (of course) and, to the shock of about thirteen people, announces that he’s not going to physically embarrass him, but embarrass him with his intellect. The very same intellect that thought pushing Test was a grand idea. Either way, he jumps out of the ring as the bell sounds, which brings Cade & Murdoch running down the ramp. Here comes the B.S….

Lashley owns them both. Enter Chris Masters now. Lashley digs him up from his burial last week and owns him too. Johnny Nitro runs out now. Lashley owns him too. If Joey Mercury didn’t get his ass fired, I’m sure he’d run out and be owned as well. Now that a good chunk of the Raw roster has been completely buried, things get marginally more interesting as, SHOCKINGLY, Umaga comes out.

The brawl begins as we are reminded that it doesn’t matter if they give this match away on TV because it’s so not even close to being about these two wrestling.

Things get really stupid now as Vince nails Lashley with a low blow, which leads to a Samoan Drop from Umaga, then to the three count (!!????) as McMahon makes the pin.

WINNER: VINCE MCMAHON (HE GUARAN-DAMN-TEES IT!)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Lashley got pinned. But it was by Vince, so it’s kind of like saying the dirt tasted good because it wasn’t poop.

OVERALL: Ok…now everything that happened here I expected. Except for the whole “Lashley can’t be fucked with, but a pop in the junk and ONE MOVE will end that bullshit once and for all” part. I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked that Lashley goes on a fucking DEATH WAVE of a push, only to be owned by the “McMADMahon” as JR called him. Totally made Lashley look weak, and makes the fact that he beat both Kennedy and Orton in a handicap match on Smackdown look so much worse.

Afterwards, they continue to hint at who’s leaving ‘Mania bald as Umaga runs through his moveset on Lashley, allowing Vince to pin him a second time. Man, he should have made him put the ECW Title up too. Then McMahon could really piss the name away. After all of this, in theory, Umaga should have learned that to win, all he has to do is kick Lashley in the nads and Samoan drop his ass and we’ll see a bald D.T. But that’s theory - it has no place in wrestling. Fucking Lashley. Fucking Vince. Fucking Umaga. Fucking Trump. Fucking match. Fucking shill. Fucking A.

After break, we get the inevitable recap of what JUST happened (in case you slipped into a time-space vortex over the last couple minutes), then we see Vince leaving the arena. Something happened. Eugene was there. I tuned out during this. I think I might have been pondering the 233,623 things I’d rather be doing that looking at McMahon right now.

Hey! Double bonus tonight! It’s KENNNNNEDY!!!!

RANDY ORTON & MR. KENNEDY vs. THE HARDYS

They’re not the Hardy Boys any more…probably a good time to stop with that (even though Shawn’s still the “Heartbreak Kid” at over 40, but the “Heartbreak Man” sounds dumb as hell, so we’ll go with it). Anyway, Orton & Matt start off in a battle of “Deserved To Be Canned But Wasn’t” vs. “Didn’t Deserve To Be Canned But Was”. Jeff gets tagged in, followed by Kennedy (let the owning begin). He throws the hell out of Jeff to the outside, Randy goes after him, and the tag formula now hits full swing as the heels begin to isolate Jeff.

Orton gets the tag from Kennedy, which brings on a flurry of appendage stomping and a brief glimpse of a chinlock before bringing Kennedy back into the mix. Jeff begins his comeback with the Whisper In The Wind, then hot-tags Matt Hardy, who nails a Side Effect on both guys (better than the “side effect” he let Edge have when he knocked the boots with Lita - sorry, Matt himself made a Lita joke tonight, so I felt like it was OK to bring it back one more time). He goes for the Twist of Fate on a now-legal Orton, but Kennedy is there to say fuck all that.

We then wind this one up as the Hardys nail a Poetry in Motion on Orton, then try it on Kennedy, who obviously had JUST watched them do the same thing to Randy and felt it was a good idea to get the hell off the other turnbuckle when Matt squatted strangely in front of him. Point is, Jeff nails the turnbuckle and is out of commission, but Matt goes for another Twist of Fate, this time on Kennedy, but in a TRUE twist of fate, he is shoved into an RKO.

WINNERS: ORTON & KENNEDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Again, the surprise appearance in the ring of one of my favorites. KENNEDY!!!!

OVERALL: Average match that followed the tag-team formula, but we saw a clean finish with a heel team actually winning off their heel strategy. It’s been so long, it seems…

Next Hall Of Fame inductee is Jim Ross, which the Rock calls “The John Madden of WWE”. That’s about what I think, but not in the complimentary sort of way - in the “mute the fucking commentary” kind of way. I guess he deserves it, though, his voice is plastered on just about every major event in WWE history after Wrestlemania 13. It’s just tough listening to him try and sell something that, every once in awhile, I’m just not buying. Not his fault, I guess….but the phrase “LOOK AT THE CARNAGE” is his fault, and every time I hear it I just want to shoot him in the face and scream the same thing. We won’t end this on that note, however, as he most definitely is one of the most recognizable voices in wrestling history.

JR tenderly waves to the crowd as they applaud him, but then Khali’s music hits, which Lawler appropriately calls “a buzzkill”. Amen. This is most definitely worse than Ross being inducted, especially since he’s wrestling…

THE GREAT KHALI PUNJABI PILE vs. RIC FLAIR

The battle of “No Sell” vs. “Can’t Sell” begins. Khali actually backdrops him in this match - he must have done his Ric Flair homework. But not much homework, as he no-sells the chops and we end up on the outside where he’s about to slam Flair on the stairs. Thank god for Carlito as he, mercifully, makes the run-in, leading to the DQ.

WINNER (BY DQ): THE PUNJABI PILE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Carlito ran in and make this short and so fucking not sweet.

OVERALL: Khali score.

After the match, Khali destroys Carlito. But, alas, the destroying comes do a halt as KANE the MONSTER shows up with that damn hook again. USE IT! USE IT! PLEASE HOOK HIS ASS!! Nope. No hook. Khali takes a couple punches and bails. Kane makes the poles go boom. Fuck it all.

We’re about to that point in the show where there’s no wrestling, but it would be silly to start the main event early so they just cram bullshit into one period between two commercial breaks that doesn’t really amount to anything. This week, we get the grab bag of:

- Promo for the Condemned. Go see it. Because Stone Cold said so. Or something.

- Rundown of Wrestlemania card. (They remind us that the “Lumberboobs” match is a Wrestlemania first and “anything can happen” in that match. I call bullshit.)

- Promo with HBK, who is looking way too tan. He basically just says that Cena’s like every other big name he’s faced - they’re all gone and he’s still here. He’s winning the title at ‘Mania (dream big, Shawn), but tonight he’s got his back.

- 8-man tag on ECW featuring all of ONE ECW wrestler as the 8 MITB match guys take each other on. Interesting note - Edge is on the face team. Probably means he’s not going to wrestle.

NOW we get to our last break - main event is next!

BUT NOT BEFORE BOTB SHILL #5. FIVE!!!!!!!!!

SHAWN MICHAELS/JOHN CENA (CHAIN GANGERATION-X) vs. UNDERTAKER/BATISTA (UNDER-DAVE) IN A FUCK YOU IF YOU BOUGHT NO WAY OUT MATCH

Enter Cena @ 10:53, followed by D+. Then, RAW IS BLAH as Blah-Tista heads to the ring with his pyro pop. I still don’t get his whole taunt thingy he does to those. Maybe I just have to be blah to understand. Speaking of UNDERstanding, here comes the UNDERtaker, who’s not taking near as much time as usual because it’s 10:5fucking8. Plenty of time for a quality match. Well, maybe not quality, as we do have Cena & Batista here.

Taker starts off against Cena, and this crowd is officially shitting on ol John each time he gets any offense in. Crowd goes nuts as Cena’s about to get chokeslammed, but HBK makes the save to a mixed reaction. Batista runs in and clears the ring, leaving Taker and Dave alone. They start to square off with each other, but Cena runs back in to yet another chorus of boos.

We’re getting “Cena Sucks” chants while he and HBK work on Taker, while Batista apparently went and got a fucking cappuccino. We go back in the ring, where the crowd’s totally cool with HBK and Taker, but then go to full-on “fuck-off” mode when Cena gets tagged back in. Taker gains control, but then Dave makes a blind tag to get in the ring with Cena. The crowd’s heads then explode.

Actually they’re still shitting on Cena until he tags in HBK, which now gets EVERYONE in the ring. Cena takes a spinebuster from Dave (one of his TWO moves of Doom), while Taker’s about to Gorilla press HBK out of the ring. However, Taker decides it’s his turn to fuck over Batista and throws Shawn at Dave when he goes to Batista Bomb Cena. Taker then bails on Dave’s bitch ass, leaving Cena/HBK to double team him. This brings us to a mind-numbing DOUBLE 5-knuckle shuffle (twice the FIST, twice the POWER), but then Shawn FINALLY decides now is the time to superkick Cena, making him the clear face/heel in their match as the crowd pops HUGE for it. Congratulations, it’s officially past the point of anyone really caring. Batista, his head obviously pounding from the double-fisting, throws an arm over Cena for the win.

WINNERS: BATISTA AND I GUESS UNDERTAKER TOO

BEST PART OF MATCH: I’ll go with HBK finally superkicking Cena. Better late than never, I suppose.

OVERALL: This match did what it was supposed to do - add very little to the main event, as this is the last Raw before 23 and they can’t shake shit up TOO much. You’re already ordering it for the Battle of the Billionaires, right? It served its purpose and nothing more.

Here’s the stupid thing about this ending, though…if this was intended to have Michaels seem like the heel, then it’s clear that they want a face-heel alignment for this match. Why turn the guy the crowd will NOT boo? Because. That’s why. Shut up and watch.

Oddly enough, after HBK taunts Cena with a “you can’t see me” and a belly chop, they tell us that there will be more Raw after the commercial….

….where they replay the superkick and taunt, THEN end the show. Eh?

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was better than last week; there were even a few surprises thrown in (at the expense of the brand extension’s integrity…wait - what integrity?). I got what I expected out of this week’s show, being that it was the Raw before the biggest PPV of the year (how Khali got a match on there I’m still unsure. He must be the only guy on the roster that can fit a grapefruit in his mouth…..: ). Shawn finally turning on Cena was supposed to feel like a big deal, but for some reason I just didn’t really care when he did it. Maybe I’m just a jaded asshole who is near positive that Cena’s winning now that he got laid out on the Raw before. As much as I love being right, I really hope I’m wrong sometimes. Meanwhile, back to this grade - nothing truly wrong with the show, though, but nothing that would cause me to give it a better than average grade. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!! Forget NOT, bitches.

Ghost.