TNA Impact Review - 03/22/07
TNA Impact Review – 03/22/07
Written By System Crash
TNA says “We Are Wrestling” ha not since Russo has been there!
Recap of last week’s Impact hyping up the Team Cage vs Team Angle match at Lockdown.
Borash is backstage with Angle,Joe, and Rhyno talking about them teaming up tonight. Kurt says what you see here is three huge egos. No, Kurt you’re the one with the ego man. So imagine what would happen if three egos unify, hmm maybe combined they will more ego than Vince McMahon or Hulk Hogan. Anyway they are part of team angle at Lockdown.
Don West and Mike Tenay welcomes us to what was a shitty edition of Impact more on that later. They announce tonight’s matches.
James Storm vs Jerry Lynn for tonight Why ? What the Fuck?Sting/Abyss vs AJ Styles/Cage in a hell froze over tag match? WHAT THE FUCK!!!
Match 1 – TNA Job Squad vs The Exact Opposite
Serotonin comes out to do the J.O.B. to Rhyno, Joe, Angle in a how fast can they lose match. I have a feeling that their entrances will be longer than their match and TNA has short entrances.
Rhyno and Martyr start out and this match has already gone on longer than I thought. A stiff belly to belly back suplex onto Kaz. Joe gets tagged in and Kaz tags in Havoc immediately. The crowd is chanting for Joe. A wicked ass atomic drop on Kaz. Angle, Rhyno, and Joe hit their respective finishers. Havoc sold the gore very well, but Joe wins with the pin over Martyr.
Winner: Joe, Angle, and Rhyno
Leticia is backstage with Cage and AJ Styles. AJ is freaking out backstage in a hilarious backstage segment. AJ said the only reason why he agreed to be on his team was because Christian promised him a title shot (well Christian Cage is handing out title shots like Enron was handing out stock options). Christian said if he brings that up again, AJ wont get a shot. AJ said he cant take it back, then they argue back and forth about it and we go to commercial.
West and Tenay welcome us back from commercial and then we cut to Raven in a BDSM scene with Serotonin. The candle wax poured onto Martyr, big deal it doesn’t hurt, then again System Crash has been with some freaky bitches. But anyway this segment screams of Russo.
We get a quick plug for Lockdown, hopefully we get the same vocal crowd that Vince McMahon got when he was St. Louis. Come to think about St. Louis a vocal town. The Riot of the GNR concert in 1991, fake Rosie/Trump match, maybe they will be vocal again.
JB is in the back with Steve Borden (Sting without the paint) and Chris with a mask. Steve Borden goes on a religious fit again. Steve Borden is telling Abyss that he is trying to point in the right direction. Well the right direction would be to end this fucking feud. Steve Borden takes off his sunglasses and shows the nasty blade job he did on himself at Destination X. Though the shot he took at the PPV was wicked. Steve Borden said AJ and Cage’s future looks bleak and it will be time for their last rites. GOD DAMMIT RUSSO!
Team 3D is in the ring with some foot lockers and they call LAX out to the ring (LAX the one thing TNA hasn’t managed to fuck up). The crowd is cheering for LAX and small LAX chants break up. Team 3D actually puts over LAX a bit on the mic and admits they have gotten the better of them most of the time. Brother Ray runs down the bad things Team 3D has done and the crowd cheers after Brother Ray mentions throwing an 80 year old woman off a balcony. Brother Ray should never use the word homie again. Team 3D then talks about earning a legacy in this business, damn right. Team 3D whips out the WCW, WWE, and ECW tag belts as their legacy. The crowd with a real EC DUB chant when they whipped out ECW tag belts. At Lockdown Team 3D’s legacy vs the NWA tag titles. Konnan gets wheeled out by Machete. Konnan looks sickly but he is finally starting to walk a little bit. Then Konnan gets on the mic.
“As far as I’m concerned we don’t care about these belts, they mean nothing to us. Are we supposed to put on these straps and pretend we’re tag team champions of some other organization? We’re already TNA Tag team champions” <- Purely awesome in my opinion.
Konnan runs down the matches they beat Team 3D in and says if they want another chance, they have to do it in their kind of match and electrified six sides of steel (that if Russo gave it a name it would be a border jumping on a pole cage match). Wasn’t the steel cage at Halloween Havoc 89 between Sting/Flair and Muta/Funk in a cage that was electrified? Anyway the crowd was dead for this announcement. Konnan was about to end his interview with his to live and die in LAX, but Brother Ray flipped him off and said LAX instead of Konnan.
They cut to a shot with Leticia in Cornette’s office after she was on her knees earlier in the evening. And Cornette is pissed.
Wow that was 8 minutes between the commercial breaks and no wrestling. Hmm TNA Is lying to me about saying “we are wrestling”
A commercial for a program that deals with Goldberg, well fuck him.
Backlund is in Cornette’s office and wants a match at Lockdown. Cornette said no he is retired but he can ref the match between Starr and Senshi at Lockdown. Gee I wonder what this will lead to at Lockdown.
Eric Young comes out and gets scared by the pyro. His opponent is Austin Starr and Roode was giving him instructions.
Match 2: Eric Young vs Austin Starr
The crowd chants for Eric. Back and forth action between Starr/Young. Robert Roode and
Miss
Brooks come out. Roode is supporting Starr. Starr misses the elbow and Young comes back and Eric Young hits an elbow off the rope. Ref gets distracted and Roode hits Young with the Northern Lariat then Starr follows up with a brainbuster. Roode comes in the ring to chew out Young. Petey Williams comes out to save Eric Young.
Winner: Austin Starr in an ok match.
Dammit Jerry Lynn is getting interviewed by Borash.
Lynn proved why he should never be allowed to be on the stick. The lights go out and Daniels beats up
Lynn. THANK YOU FALLEN ANGEL – THANK YOU FALLEN ANGEL ! Just hopefully this repackaging of The Fallen Angel has a point.
Pirate Chris Harris backstage with Cornette. Cornette says he and TNA cant take the chance of letting Chris Harris compete with his eye being messed up.
Match 3 James Storm vs Jerry Lynn
Lynn is not able to come out because Daniels owned his ass backstage. Storm grabs the mic and says he is sick and tired of this. Storm wants to drink beer and beat people up and he is all out of beer. Out comes the Brokeback Butt Pirate. A very predictable brawl in the ring between Storm and Harris and Kim and Jackie.
Match Winner: Not us, impact is shit.
We’re back from commercial and the crime of gimmick infringement is committed by Jackie with her using the tennis racket on Gail Kim. What a waste of time.
Abyss/Sting promo.
Main Event – AJ Styles and Cage vs Sting/Abyss
AJ and Cage in the battle of the hood. Sting/Abyss come out and Sting is using a lot of make up on the left side of his face. The heels jump Sting/Abyss. I really need to listen to Impact on mute unless Nash is on the mic. Nice dropkick by AJ Styles onto Sting as we go to commercial. Will there be a chinlock?
Nope no chinlock. Both Sting and Cage missed their respective splashes onto each other. Hot Tags and Abyss tries to clean house.Abyss flung Cage into the ring. Wicked Shock Treatment onto AJ. AJ saves Cage from the shock treatment. Sting tags himself in and a cross body onto Cage/Styles. Abyss/Cage are on the outside, and Mitchell brings out Abyss’s mother WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? Sting is left to be double teamed by AJ and Cage. Hell has thawed out now. Sting is cleaning house and hits the scorpion death lock. Cage distracts the ref, and AJ was tapping but Steiner comes into hit Sting with a pipe. What a weak pipe shot too.
Winner: AJ Styles and Christian Cage
Steiner, Cage, and AJ Styles stand tall was we fade into adrenaline rush.
Impact was shit on a fucking pole. TNA needs to fire Russo and Dutch Mantel. We had better shows when Tenay, Jarrett, and Scott D’Amore were on the booking committee. Give Cornette the book. This show was really hard to review since it was just so crappy.