This week, we continue to piss away any continuing reason to have a brand extension (other than the fact that with a brand extension, someone else can be a world champion without Cena ever having to drop the title) - it’s Wrestlemania Reversal Night!

DX music hits as D+ (Shawn & God) head to the ring. Apparently we’re starting off with the first match of our reversal thingy - JBL vs. HBK; battle of the acronyms. JBL is out next w/ limo but w/o wrestling gear. Damn it - I figured they wouldn’t bring him out of retirement. Gotta love the WWE - two years ago I wanted JBL to die in a fire, and now I actually MISS the guy because things have been so weak since then. Maybe it’s all part of some plan….

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JBL

JBL’s in the ring and on the mic, bitching about how he had to come all the way here to wrestle because he was told to. NO ONE tells JBL what to do - he’s retired. It’ll be his terms if he comes back. Apparently these weren’t his terms. Strangely, JBL then puts Cena over Michaels, saying he’ll kick Shawn’s ass because Shawn won’t take the shot at him. Bradshaw then calls him an egotistical prick, then they censor the rest of the sentence - I love it when they miss. Basically, the rest of his promo involves putting HBK’s “mind games” over, then cutting him back down by saying that he probably knows he can’t beat Cena and that’s why he won’t backstab him, then ends with him calling HBK “pathetic”. Great promo with great heat on Bradshaw. If he could do one thing right…

Shawn then grabs the stick and says “nuh uhh”. Actually, he says that maybe the “lack of mind games is the best mind game”. Sure. He can and will beat Cena, and then he declares that, like JBL, no one can tell him what do to, including when to hit Sweet Chin Music, which then prompts him to so NOT unpredictably nail JBL with said Sweet Chin Music. Great start to Raw for me; I was actually looking forward to seeing how JBL looked in the ring. I should have known better than to think they wouldn’t hype the ever-loving hell out of Bradshaw’s return. Fuck you very much, Raw.

After the break, they shill the BOTB TWICE in one promo (we’re keeping count tonight), once with a package, once with another stupid-ass “Tale of the Tape”.

Edge is backstage and Orton breaks in, bitching about how he left him hanging at ECW. Edge tells Randy to calm down, but then gets all totally pissed and shit when Orton actually out-heels Edge by telling him that because McMahon was upset that Lashley didn’t get his ass kicked, he made a last-chance battle royal for Edge’s MITB match spot. The score is now Randy 1, Edge 2. I’m out of funny things to say about this angle. They’re both super-cocks trying to out-cock each other.

ANOTHER Masterlock challenge? There has to be a reason for bringing this shit back. They run a quick video package showing the mighty submissions of guys like Super Crazy and Jerry Lawler before we see who’s getting the chance this week: LASHLEY, who according to JR his appearance is “shocking us all”. Only if “us all” are the three people alive that are tuning in to Raw for the first time ever this week. He’s been here every fucking week, Ross. Either way, they start the challenge, with Masters doing the whole “tease it, but then don’t apply it because shit don’t feel right” thing before slapping the back of Lashley’s head. Ok. Bobby then gets up and slaps him back, then we finally get to the god damn hold itself. We’re up to like a minute and Lashley’s fading…..then he all of a sudden BREAKS it. Wow. That whole thing is over - that explains the video package. They are trying SO hard to put Lashley over; burying everyone they can to make people care about this guy, and still very few care. Meanwhile, Masters no longer has the one thing he’s been holding on to since his debut, unless he comes out with the official rulebook on Masterlocks next week and declares that if at any point the Masterlock is broken by an overpushed champion on a resurrected and rotting brand, it is an unofficial breakage and therefore you can still walk around toting that your hold is unbroken. Probably not though - Masters, it was not that much fun while it lasted….

MASTERLOCKS < UNFUCKWITHABLE PUSHES

No wrestling yet….

We DO, however, get another promo for Ashley’s Playboy. Damn it anyway - isn’t this shit supposed to stop after the magazine hits shelves? Anyone who’s curious has already bought the mag or seen the pics online. Who are you shilling this to, exactly? There is a point where the Useless Plastic herself says “The thing I love about this pictorial is that it’s me”. Fucking profound. “It’s me, except the tits. Those weren’t always me”. I say no more - hopefully never again.

They replay the breaking of the Masterlock. You’d think Lashley just won a gold medal or something with the way they’re treating his accomplishment. Amazing how they all expect us to care about Masters and his bogus challenge now that it’s OVER (WHICH, by the way, it had better be, or else no good came from this whole thing).

Now Lashley’s backstage, runs into Vince, BOTB Shill #3, Lashley’s tossed from the building, Vince flirts with Maria, Eugene spills coffee on him, Vince puts him in a match, tells CoachSlave to go find Umaga, Faarooq says “damn”. So much happened here, yet so, SO fucking little…

Short tribute to Arnold Skaaland; old wrestler and great manager. You’re too young to remember this guy.

STILL NO WRESTLING!!!!!

Hey! Wrestling!

LAST CHANCE BATTLE ROYAL FOR FINAL SLOT IN MONEY IN THE BANK:

KENNY DYKSTRA, SHELTON BENJAMIN, CHARLIE HAAS, JOHNNY NITRO, VAL VENIS (?), VISCERA, SUPER CRAZY, RIC FLAIR, CARLITO, AND EDGE.

It’s a standard over-the-top battle royal; in case you morons don’t know how it works, our Lillian replacement for the night drops the knowledge on us. We start with basic battle royal offense, with guys trying in the most ridiculous ways possible to eliminate each other. The whole ring then turns to the 500 pound waste of virtually everything Viscera and gets him the fuck outta town right away. Thank you, ring full of dudes; if he were in a MITB match I would probably just start cutting myself right now.

VISCERA ELIMINATED BY THE WHOLE RING

It’s about this point that Edge rolls under the rope and starts to sell an “injury”. Great…here we go again…back in the ring, nothing of worth has happened yet. You can, however, hear Flair chopping the hell out of someone here and there. Next elimination is Super Crazy, about whom we are reminded that his name is Super Crazy because he’s both Super! and Crazy! I must be a total fucktard; I never caught that.

SUPER CRAZY ELIMINATED BY WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

We then go to break, which means that when we come back they’re will be noticeably fewer guys in the ring, as this is the rule for ALL TV battle royals. Am I right?

Yep - during the commercials, we saw (did NOT see):

VAL VENIS ELIMINATED BY JOHNNY NITRO (VAL VENIS??!!)

and

CHARLIE HAAS ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Edge is still out selling some injury. Doesn’t anyone remember that he’s just being an asshole? We have another couple eliminations now as Shelton goes for his top-rope vertical leap thing and…

SHELTON BENJAMIN ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

Which is quickly followed up by a top-rope crotching on Kenny, then a chop of doom:

KENNY DYKSTRA ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

and

JOHNNY NITRO ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Which brings us to the same shit that we’ve seen the last two weeks from these guys; chopping and pointless springboarding abounds. Back & forth between these two until Flair eye pokes Carlito and proves how he pwnes this ring full of n00bs:

CARLITO ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

That makes Ric Flair our winner? Of course not, as Edge is healed from his injury and, to the surprise of maybe six people alive, rolls back in and tosses Flair out on his ass.

RIC FLAIR ELIMINATED BY EDGE

WINNER: EDGE, WHO KEEPS HIS SPOT IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Not really anything other than Edge doing a good job fueling his dick fire *insert tired old Lita joke here*

OVERALL: First of all, they really need to create an “Edge Rule” for these battle royals; if you’re outside the ring for more than ten seconds, they start counting your ass out. It was a great heel tactic the first couple times, but it’s a bit silly now and if it happens again, the “over-the-top battle royal” is officially broken until repaired. At this point, you could jump in the ring, roll out, go have a green tea and a fucking bagel and show back up at the end to claim victory. Not cool anymore. Now, as far as the match, I’m unsure what changed here, as well as unsure of the point of this whole thing other than to piss me off when I’m given false hope of either Nitro or Benjamin getting into the match they both would OWN in. It gets one middle thumb because it could have been much worse. Viscera could have won it.

Tonight, we get our first look (first of what will end up way too god damn many looks) at Steve Austin’s “The Condemned”. Prepare to have yet another movie forcefully rammed up your smarky asses.

And, right on cue (as it is 9:56 - Vince o’clock) , here comes McMahon w/ slave and a bunch of guys who bring the barber shit to ringside….next is Umaga vs. Eugene. FORESHADOWING???!!??!?

Vince says the same shit - BOTB Shill #4 - and then introduces UUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGA, with the IC title that I already forgot existed.

UMAGA vs. EUGENE

There’s no point in recapping this one. Umaga most literally squashes Eugene (repeatedly, with his huge savage ass) and then the Thumb. We’re done.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Eugene getting owned always makes me laugh.

OVERALL: Total and true squash. I’d give it two “fuck yous”, but he squashed Eugene, so I’ll let it slide.

After the match, Vince gets an idea (oh, shit - not another ABORTION angle???!?!?) - he’s going to make an example for Trump by shaving Eugene’s head! Umaga thumbs Eugene one more time before they strap him to the chair and Vince goes wacky with the clippers, butchering his hair before delivering the feared and now surely patented “Billionaire Bitch Slap”. Every time I hear Vince say that I just picture him being dipped in a vat of acid.

They take Eugene to the back to “finish the job” as McMahon declares that he’d shave everyone’s head in this arena bald! Trump drops money, Vince drops HAIRCUTS.

Raw’s the best show on TV.

Back from break, Candace Michelle is in the ring wearing what I can only describe as cut up pajamas. She mentions something about Milena having issues with Playboy cover girls and calls her bitch ass out!!

Milena comes out and says something to the effect of “the only reason you still have a job is because you take off your clothes”. This isn’t news, chica - it’s the WWE. Of COURSE that’s why she still has a job. Then she mentions that Playboy chicks have no talent and that Playboy is beneath her. Candace tosses a burn her way (something about the locker room being beneath her, while backstage only Johnny Nitro laughs) before calling her out to a Bra & Panties match, which prompts Milena to drop skirt and shit all over her argument by agreeing to face her in a match that promotes the god damn opposite of what she’s saying. That’ll settle the fucking score. JR totally taps into Lawler and says “Oh my God! Bra & panties - we’re going to get it on!” as we head to break.

CANDACE MICHELLE VS. MILENA - BRA & PANTIES MATCH

This goes how they all go, friends. We’ll just mention the good parts. Candace pulls off Milena’s skirt first, which totally pisses her off.

Side note: I feel awkward every time JR says the word “panties”. I can’t really explain why.

Now Candace loses her top as the ring gets totally PG-13 with some kinky roll-around-the-ring-half-nekkid shit, before Milena finishes the job by pulling off the half-pants Candace was rocking. That shit is officially settled, bitch - I’ve forced you to show the world only a tiny portion of what you’ve already shown them yourself. Recognize.

WINNER: MILENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The obvious

OVERALL: The side thumb is for Milena’s butt this week. I’ll give you one guess what the symbolism is there…

We’re not done with the pointlessicity as the Useless Plastic heads to the ring, doing what all chicks do to the winners of Bra & Panties matches - WE ALL WIN as Ashley pulls off Milena’s top for her. She rolls out of the ring, suddenly very modest and self-conscious about showing the world her bra, when on the weekly she practically shows her taint to the entire planet. Big fat whatever.

Shit turns to a substance so sucky that it does not yet exist as this whole fiasco is interrupted by KHALI. Milena takes one more crack at Ashley before she bolts, leaving her in the ring with the Punjabi Pile. He starts choking her ass, before Lawler (?) jumps up from the announce booth to make the save. This results in Lawler being chokebombed and a whole fucking lot of nothing else.

They shill two more matches for the night w/o voice-overs (WOW! WRESTLING!), one being Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton up next.

BOTB Shill #5, as we ask more B-list celebrities about the match. I’m running out of jokes for this whole thing, so I’m just going to say “fuckbeans”.

Re-Todd Grisham is replacing Lawler for the next match. Hardy heads to the ring still selling Khali’s chokebomb from last week; this guy throws himself off 12-foot ladders, but can’t take a bump in the ring from about 2 1/2 feet off the ground? Khali must poison you with suck venom before he drops you or something…anyway, Randy’s heading to the ring all about bid-ness as we skip the pose and pyro and go right to the ring.

JEFF HARDY vs. RANDY ORTON

Back & forth to start out until Randy hits the Bagshitter and begins the feared appendage stomping for a 2-count, which you would think would lead to a chinlock, but actually leads to the “Walls of Chinlock”. Apparently, Randy’s trying something new this week and is actually working on the “injured” part of Jeff Hardy. Edge had better watch out if he goes into MITB with that broken jaw, as Orton will OWN him with his chinlocky goodness.

Hardy gets out and mounts a comeback, hitting the Flippy Twisty I’m Not Sure Which Part Of Me Is Supposed To Hit You In The Wind, before Edge makes his heelish presence known by running out and throwing a ladder in the ring. Orton can’t resist being a bastard and hits Jeff with it, causing the DQ.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: 100% chinlock free! Holy SHITBALLS!

OVERALL: This match existed solely to add fuel to the fire between Rated RKO. It did that. It did nothing else.

After the match, Edge & Orton have words before Hardy attacks Orton with a Twist of Fate, then sets up the ladder to nail him with the leapfrog legdrop (I always dig that spot). Edge leaves Randy’s ass there and walks away with that smug Edge look on his face. You know the one. Is it weird that I already care more about an Orton/Edge feud than either of the two ‘Mania main events? No it isn’t? Ok.

Up next - the sneak peak at the Condemned…..and it looks like “The Running Man” with Austin. Thanks - I’ll pass. This one, even MORE than Kane’s or Cena’s, is going to rely SOLELY on people going to see it for Stone Cold. Good luck with that, WWE Films. If you missed this exclusive look, don’t worry. As I mentioned earlier, they’ll show it a few more times. Ross mentions that Austin will be the biggest hell-raiser in Hollywood, and all I see is fucking Pinhead getting the Stunner. Oh, HELL yeah…

They run down the portion of the ‘Mania card that involves Raw guys (BOTB Shill #6) before we cut to Vince & Slave backstage, where we find out that next week, it’ll be Lashley vs. VINCE. Fucking YAY. Coach tells McMahon that’s probably not a good idea (FIRE HIM!!!), but Vince guarantees a win (DAMMIT!!!).

DX music hits again as HBK will be doing commentary for the main event. He’ll be sitting next to Todd Grisham, who should be ready for a superkick at any moment.

We tie up some shit, like showing a bald & crying Eugene and reminding you of a match next week between Lashley and Vince, in case you weren’t watching, say, two minutes ago.

Main event time - 10:55.

JOHN CENA vs. CHRIS BENOIT - WRESTLEMANIA REVERSAL MATCH

Benoit comes to the ring looking the same as ever, followed by John Cena looking the same as ever.

Cena Reaction Report: He’s over tonight - pretty loud pop, but it’s the first time we’ve seen his ass, too.

Bell sounds and Benoit starts in control, while the announcers treat this match like they’ve never faced before. Speaking of announcers, JR refers to Benoit as “a walking weapon”, and all I think of is a missle with little T-rex arms; imagine getting a diving headbutt from that.

Back to reality - Cena is, naturally, getting owned by Benoit. They tease an “I almost hit you” spot with Michaels at ringside, before we head in the ring with Benoit still in control. Like there’s any way he’s winning this one. Cena starts to club his way towards a comeback, but ends up in the Sharpshooter. Rope break by Cena, which leads to him taking the three German Suplexes (which Ross calls the “3 Amigos” - they’re fucking GERMAN suplexes, wank - if they’re three of anything, call them the “3 Freunds”. On second thought, don’t do that. That sounds fucking dumb).

Now, Benoit goes to the top rope and airballs the headbutt (which USED to mean he was winning the match - I called it the “Benoit Factor”; every time he’d hit the headbutt, he’d lose the match, and vice versa. I’ve discovered that this is nearly always true, except when he held a championship, like tonight!). The airball leads to the super-duper Cena 5 Moves of Doom, starting with shoulderblock, spinout powerbomb, dancy-fuck fistdrop, then goes for the F-U. Benoit says fuck all that & counters to the Crippler Crossface. Cena says fuck all THAT this is my show and my unending push as he counters into the Machine Gun Face, which actually causes Benoit to tap. Wow. Benoit tapped?

WINNER: JOHN CENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhh…the totally unexpected finish?

OVERALL: I’m tired of the Cena formula. I’m also tired of the Cena music, the Cena spinner belt, the Cena t-shirts, and pretty much everything else relating to Cena. Also, Benoit looked MEGA SUPER WEAK tapping out to that half-ass submission hold. Course, I guess he made Triple H tap to it also. Maybe in that hold he’s harnessed the power of a THOUSAND killed pushes that made way for the reign of Cena. Or maybe they’re just stupid and fed Benoit to Cena because he can go back to Smackdown and we can all pretend it never happened. Either way, I hated the finish. HATED THE FINISH.

Afterwards, HBK jumps in the ring and teases Sweet Chin Music, but he’s only screwing around with him. They shake hands, Cena lifts HBK up for the F-U, then puts him down, as he was only screwing with him back. Neither have the balls to do it. Fuckin’ t-shirts.

One last thing happens tonight as JBL makes another appearance to announce next week’s 2 main events for THE BIGGEST RAW EVER (this year, in March, until the next biggest one): VINCE vs. LASHLEY and a rematch from No Way Out: CENA/MICHAELS vs. BATISTA/UNDERTAKER. Blah. Vince is going to have an aneurysm figuring out which one of those two matches will be the REAL main event. Tune in next week to see sorta two tag teams sorta kinda get along then feel the TENSION as they sorta kinda act like they hate each other but not too much. Fuckers.

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was only slightly less pointless than the last couple weeks. I don’t give it two thumbs down for one major reason: some things DID happen - we just really don’t care. Eugene is bald! DON’T CARE!! Masterlock is broken??!! DON’T CARE!! Edge got briefly pulled from the Money In The Bank match!! DON’T CARE!! Benoit & JBL were here! DON’T CARE….well, I was GOING to care….then it turned out like butt. Point is they did try. Try and fail, but try they did. Points for trying.

BTW - I hate this time of year, when Wrestlemania is totally locked up and there’s nothing to do on TV except shill Wrestlemania. Next week can only get worse. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!!

Raw = Poo

Outtie.