WRESTLEMANIA XX (20 for those of you who don’t speak Roman): Where It All Begins Again!! Hells yeah!!!

SIDEBAR - knowing how senile McMahon is getting these days (and maybe by then desperate for buyrates), imagine if he goes back to the Roman numbers for big ol number 30 - Wrestlemania XXX - The Big One Comes Again…. That bitch will get a few extra buys just on the name; course by then they’ll probably be charging 99.95 for the PPV….so I got nothing…

Back to the review - this originally aired live on PPV March 14^th, 2004 from MSG, and the DVD specifically being reviewed is the 2-sided disc from the Wrestlemania Anthology (which is the crown jewel of above mentioned collection).

This WM had a lot working for it, and it held up to it’s promise of “beginning again”, as there were many guys making their first true Wrestlemania appearance here that would be given the ball for the next few years. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing based on how it’s turning out, but let’s just review this particular 3-hour niblet of wrestling excitement match by match….

MATCHES:

1. United States Championship Match (or the “Never be bigger than the Intercontinental Championship cause the US will never be bigger than a whole CONTINENT, Smackdown bitches!” title. No one really calls it that.)

BIG SHOW (champion) vs. JOHN CENA (Then - rapper w/o rap album. Now - marine w/ rap album)

Ok - this one was tough to watch; Cena is SO over with the damn NEW YORK crowd at this show that it’s a no-brainer he became main event. However - and this is ALL I’m going to say about Cena cause this isn’t a rant about his “if we ignore the boos they’ll go away” booking of the past year - it’s re-fucking damn-diculous that WWE thought that it was a good idea to take away virtually everything that made Cena over in the first place and just shove him so far up our asses that he comes back out the mouth and returns to where he started, only now he stinks (he he there’s a visual for you). THIS show was an example of what was and will never be again as it pertains to Cena - he was totally over and the Big Show was a perfect opponent for Cena to offset his limited in-ring skill with his sheer strength. Match was decent - standard for both of these guys, plus a bonus for Big Show here because he wasn’t yet looking like he was smuggling tires. Match ends like 78.6% of John Cena matches do - the almighty sideways scoop slam flatteringly named the F-U (the other percentile being taken by: 11.2% STF-U/Machine Gun Face 7.8% DQ, Run In, or Other Heelness, 2.3% The Other Guy Wins, and 0.1% ALMIGHTY SCHOOL BOY!). Thus began the era of “title belts becoming parts of my ring attire” John Cena, as he leaves WMXX the US champion.

Match score: *** (bonus star for Cena nostalgia - before he became Sgt. Milquetoast)

Between matches, they show a promo from Evolution - and I just have one comment. If you see this (or have seen it) look at Randy Orton’s head. Looking? Ok stop now and look at his head these days. His actual face is the same size, but his head is way fucking bigger now. Ego inflation? Very Likely. The Juice? Of course. This guy’s screwed up so many times and done things that everyone else would have been fired twice over for, but not only does he have a job - he’s a top dog on the “main show”. And he KNOWS it. So why try hard for a lean, mean, natural physique when you could just get it the “old fashioned” (read: WWE circa 1988) way? Not like he’d be fired or anything if they caught him - shit, Vince telling someone not to hit the needle is a bit like Saddam Hussein telling Bin Laden to stop being such a prick. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get off on a tangent there - let’s move on.

2. Fatal 4-Way for the World Tag-Team Championship (holy bleeding shit! FOUR teams?):

RVD & BOOKER T (champions) vs. DUDLEY BOYZ vs. GARRISON CADE/MARK JINDRAK vs. LA RESISTANCE.

Nowadays it definitely seems silly to have two sets of tag team title belts when you barely have enough teams in YOUR WHOLE COMPANY to justify having ONE set, but fuck you and fuck your silly opinion - championships mean something regardless of how mis-booked and tossed around meaninglessly they may be. So shut up and watch and care. Some notes worth noting (guess that’s why they’re called notes): La Resistance was the Conway/Dupree version this time around, I still can’t figure out why they felt the need to split this team up in every fashion - the French/Quebec/generic foreign asshole gimmick is TIMELESS. Like Twinkies - never really gets old no matter how sick of it you may be. Also, this was the last WM w/ the Dudley Boyz before their jump to the “place we don’t speak of”, and the first of one of Garrison (SURPRISE it’s also LANCE!) Cade. The match itself wasn’t bad - there were a few good spots (mostly featuring the champions at the time) - and I usually hate these “first pin wins fatal four way tag matches where inevitably one moron tags another teams partner in instead of his own not realizing that it would be more logical to just get your ass kicked instead of give another guy’s partner a chance to win because if your adversary goes for a pinfall there are FIVE guys there to break it up so just stay in the ring and tough it out, ya puss” matches…..but this one was booked pretty smartly. RVD-T retain the belts with a scissor kick-five star combo. And by they way - I said nothing about Mark Jindrak because there’s nothing to be said. Except that there is nothing.

Match score: ***½ (extra half point for good booking - it’s gotta stand for something anymore, right?)

3. CHRIS JERICHO vs. CHRISTIAN

Damn. Damn damn damn. I enjoyed the hell out of this angle, even if it did go a little chick-flicky, the ending made it all worth it. Which was here, by the way. To sum up - Christian bet Jericho a Canadian Dollar that he could bang Lita before Jericho banged Trish (do NOT take that bet, Chris….let’s just say the odds are against you). All Lita/whore jokes aside, the angle went to where Jericho fell for Trish and Christian kept trying to fuck things up by hitting on Trish every chance he got. Our hero finds out, gets pissed, and they settle their man-issues the only way that two men should - at Wrestlemania, motherfucker!!! This build was good, this match was great (these guys worked awesome together - as friends or foes - no jokes can be made there), and the ending was super with Trish “inadvertently” costing Jericho the match, then full-on turning on him to become Christian’s tongue-slut in the end; the spiritual precursor to the Edge-Lita of later years. Apparently Big Bro got jealous so he eventually went after Lita, his sibling’s former flame…..aahhh, fuck it - I’ll leave it out. Lita/whore jokes really ARE soooo 2006. In other news, I dug the hell out of this match; definitely a top-three match of the night. Makes perfect sense that neither one of these guys would be any closer to main-event status this time next year and both be gone from WWE by 2006. Go Vince Go. Hip hip ho-fucking-ray.

Match score: ****½

It is at this point that Lillian Garcia interviews Mick Foley, making his return to the ring, and then being interrupted none other than THE ROCK - also returning to the ring (and sporting a bizarre goatee that makes him look like “evil Rock“ from an alternate dimension). This SOB can walk completely away from the business and come back to pick it up right where he left it. This promo shows it - and just so happens to be the last Rock promo in WM history, not to mention the last Rock APPEARANCE at WM. (even though WM went HOLLYWOOD in 2005, the Rock evidently was ahead of his time and went Hollywood nearly three years ago - that’s why you missed out, mate - you got on the early train. Or maybe it’s because he left to make MILLIONS…….AND MILLIONS of dollars without having the Vince stink on him while doing it. Yeah that’s probably it)

4. 2 on 3 Handicap Tag Team Match

ROCK & SOCK CONNECTION vs. EVOLUTION (or the HHHomies, as I’ve never called them until now)

Stars of the past put over stars of the future. That’s been the rule in the biz forever. However - if one could have told the future, one would have realized that in the year to come, Evolution would be put over EVERYONE except each other, going all the way to the NEXT WM. They ruled Raw to the point to where barely anyone remembers who Benoit defended the belt against that year (OOOPS SPOILER!!!!) except for the MUST HAVE Backlash WM rematch and the time he lost to Orton at Summer Slam (which involved guess who?). Sooooo….my point is - even though it was the right thing to do - it would have hurt Evolution ZERO to go down to the fucking Rock for one night. Hell, cripple him afterwards to draw the heat and be the true “winners”. But I would have like to see the Rock win his last match. He wasn’t even involved in the decision - Orton RKO’d Foley for the three count to further the only true storyline in this match that wasn’t dead after this night. Match itself was the usual heels vs. baby faces fare, except the heels had an extra guy - extra dose of heel-age. Ending still doesn’t sit too well with this jack off, but no one asked me what I would have done so I guess in the grand scheme of shit it doesn’t matter. Rock would go on to continue reaching movie stardom, Foley would continue retiring and unretiring, Flair would continue wiping poo on his legacy by stumbling through chop-flop-backdrop matches, Batista would continue on to be the only person in the history of time to cleanly beat HHH three straight matches (the sex must have been FANTASTIC) and then lose all of that heat pretty much right after ol Trips took the training wheels off his ass, and Orton would continue to strive to become a legend himself, after which he will hopefully take a cyanide pill in the center of the ring and put himself in Death’s chinlock for all eternity.

Match score: **** (one WHOLE extra star from what it would have been for NO other reason that it’s the Rock’s last match in WWE. Face it, Vince - he’s not coming back)

They then had a segment involving the WWE Hall of Fame class of 2004 - most notably inducted were Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan. Nothing like a REAL hall of fame for a sport whose outcomes are predetermined and the stars are created. I’m sorry - I’ll shut up about that one - every year I at least get to see whose still alive and who they’re going to drum back up and shove in the ring for ONE more run.

SIDEBAR - that little video montage they run nowadays before all of the WWE programming just SCREAMS WWE: don’t forget - we USED to be cool!!! THE WORLD IS WATCHING!!!

5. First Ever (read: usually stupid ass idea, and that is why it was not done previously) Playboy Evening Gown Match

SABLE & TORRIE WILSON VS. STACY KEIBLER & MISS JACKIE

I own this DVD, my DVD player comes with a pause feature, and yet for some reason when this came on, I just left it there and went to take a piss. Something about women just makes my crotch tickle - he he. Double meaning on that one (cue Peter Griffin laugh). I did see most of it, and most of it was crap. Torrie Wilson seems to look different yet exactly the same as the years go on, and I have officially dubbed the award for fakest tits in Vince-Land the “Sable Award” (held for years by ol “Nazi Tits” Stratus, who was recently usurped by Melina, - her boobs are like naughty children; they don’t move unless mommy tells them it’s OK). But I still never tire of looking at Stacy Keibler (another escapee to the land of “more potential and less McMahon bullshit”), and I wonder who Miss Jackie had to blow to get back in the ring in any respect - at a ‘Mania no less! Pitching the rule book (if one exists for things such as Playboy evening gown matches) out the window, the ladies opt to start with their gowns off to wrestle. So, all in all, the winners were prepubescent teenagers and fake breast aficionados about the viewing population.

Match score: ** (my asterisks look like two tiny nipples…well, maybe not)

There’s then a segment with Benoit and Guerrero regarding their title matches later, about which I’m only going to say three things:

1. Chris Benoit does not age - he simply shaves and gets haircuts.

2. That “Undisputed” title belt (pre-abomination rapper jewelry belt) is FUCKING HUGE on a normal sized guy like Eddie - “normal” meaning “not jacked up”

3. I MISS EDDIE GUERRERO. HE WAS AWESOME, BUT HE IS GONE. PLEASE LET THE MAN PASS AWAY AND MOVE ON. VICKIE, PLEASE GO HOME AND TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN. STOP. ALL CAPS PROVIDE A STERN EMPHASIS ON THIS STATEMENT.

5. First-Ever (see above) WWE Cruiserweight Championship Open

CHAVO GUERRERO (champion, w/ Chavo Sr.) vs. JAMIE NOBLE (with multiple pushes that ultimately went nowhere) vs. FUNAKI (w/ grace of the Almighty that he’s STILL on the roster) vs. ULTIMO DRAGON (w/ only shot at wrestling in MSG) vs. REY MYSTERIO (w/o BOO-YAKKA thank God) vs. NUNZIO (w/o sense as to why he couldn’t just be “Little Guido”) vs. TAJIRI (w/ JIMMY WANG YANG!!!) vs. SHANNON MOORE (w/ second push recently obliterated by CM Punk) vs. BILLY KIDMAN (w/ ability to fuck up marriage to Playboy cover girl)

Wow - NINE cruiserweights? WOW! And again! WOW! Unheard of…those darn little guys making the big guys look bad with their crazy flippy shit and arm drags. Unfortunately, this title means about as much anymore as calling yourself the king of the bouncy castle. But this match, as clusterfucky as it was, was good. It was refreshing to see this style showcased on the big stage of the “E”. Chavo was pretty much the same character here as he has played recently (minus the corpse raping of course) and ditto for Rey Mysterio, who were obviously in a feud at this time (never seen that one before). A few quick notes - Shannon Moore looked NOTHING like he does now, but oddly enough things seemed familiar when he jobbed in about a minute to Jamie Noble to be the first elimination. All but two of these guys were former or future Cruiserweight champions (Dragon wasn’t around long enough and Moore was, and still is, pretty much a jobber), but alas the belt didn’t change hands tonight - it came down to (naturally) Chavo & Rey Rey, with ol Chavito getting the victory off interference from his papi. Good spots, good showcase of the talent, all to mask terrible booking of an underused championship.

Match score: ***½ (could have been better, could have been much worse)

6. Interpromotional Match

GOLDBERG vs. BROCK LESNAR (w/ STEVE AUSTIN AS SPECIAL REFEREE)

Pure blender-pulsed shit. I could say a ton or a little about how bad this match was. Both guys were checking out of Vince-land after this show and they had one last chance on the grand stage to give the world this huge encounter of two clashing worlds. Instead, they opted to take turns trying to jerk each other off while the NY crowd DUMPED ALL OVER IT. Thank whatever you believe in for Steve Austin - without him in the ring, this match would have been a black hole of heat to the point to where an anti-matter universe would swallow our existing one in seconds. I really don’t want to say any more about it - Goldberg won the bout, but the whole world lost about 20 minutes of their lives. I remember this match live, and upon reflection I thought that the second time around wouldn’t be that bad. It was. It SO was.

Match score: (not a mistype - there are no fucking stars there. Not even invisible ones)

Strangely enough, after this match, Vince himself comes out and THANKS the crowd for making Wrestlemania and the WWE what it is today. Keep in mind that today was still 3 years ago, before McMahon decided to go batshit insane and pretty much say fuck the crowd. And then they say “TNA, TNA, TNA”. I love wrestling.

6. Fatal 4-Way for the WWE Tag-Team Championship (holy bleeding shit! FOUR MORE teams?):

SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & RIKISHI (champions) VS. APA VS. BASHAM BROTHERS VS. WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

Why not do it again? This time with the other meaningless tag belts! I still don’t know why Scotty & Rikishi were still as over as they were around this time, but they were. APA would be done soon after this match, as Bradshaw was now in full-on JBL mode with the short brown haircut and shave (but before he thanked the Lord every day that Lesnar decided he wanted to play the football so someone else would get that monster heel push), and Faarooq was retiring (only to return as Raw’s resident comic relief! DAMN! HILARITY!). Bashams have come and gone and no one really ever cared, and the WGTT have been all over the place in storylines and releases, only to complete the vicious circle and return to Raw with about half a horn’s worth of fanfare. They’re the WORLDS GREATEST for Chrissakes…right. Tonight, however, they were obviously not the greatest on THIS world, cause Rikishi & Scotty retained those belts by pinning Doug/Danny in yet another “first pin wins” four-way - another one where the champs needlessly retain. This match wasn’t as good as the earlier Raw tag one, but ended with that still popular fat man boogie that the ‘Kish used to do. I fuckin’ hated it when Tazz called him “Kish”. He is not a cheeze pie - he’s a fat Samoan with a fat ass. Shut up. Not for nothin’! As I was typing the prevoius word, my damn word processor kept trying to auto-correct it to say “nothing”. Fuck you, MS Words - you need to learn to speak Tazz. Rocket buster! I’ve been on both ends of that hold, Joey! I bet you have….and I used to like you so much. Sorry - more ranting. Of all people in this match, BRADSHAW would be WORLD CHAMPION in less than 4 months from this date. Of course it will happen. I can see the future (right up there on the rack next to WM XX).

Match score: **½ (half point for trying)

There’s a segment here where Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump - and for some reason it just makes me want to go outside and tip cars over and burn churches, so I just skipped it to the next match….

7. Women’s Championship

VICTORIA (champion) vs. MOLLY HOLLY

This was the infamous (not famous at all) “challenger loses hair if she doesn’t win the belt” match. Poor Molly had been shit on her whole career by Vince - of COURSE she was going to end up the bald bitch. I burned my piss break earlier so I decided to give this one my full attention and it wasn’t nearly as bad as most of the women’s title matches are nowadays. These girls could both go (somewhat anyway) and Pro Wrestling Rule #342 came into place during this match (that was just an arbitrary number in a made up rule list): “Don’t ever try to beat your opponent with his or her finisher, unless you are brother of said opponent (see Hart, Owen and Taker, Under)” Molly tried to Widow’s Peak Victoria (a pretty gnarly finisher for the women’s division - I STILL think that), but got the almighty roll-up, and then got SHAVED. I was secretly hoping that Victoria would pull a Jim Mitchell and scalp her with the clippers, but she was done being the crazy bitch and was turning into the “spirit fingers” Victoria so I figured it wouldn’t happen. Plus, it didn’t happen that way when it was live so I imagine it would have been the exact same on the DVD. NEVER would they mettle with history like that! Vince McMahon. HELL no!

Match score: **½ (the half-star was just to put it over the tit-fest from earlier in the show - this one was a better “match”)

8. WWE Championship Match

EDDIE GUERRERO (champion) vs. KURT ANGLE

Another match we’ll never see again. And that’s a fuckin’ bummer. This one was my personal favorite match of the night. I loved both wrestlers, I loved the angle they went with, and I loved the fact that they gave Eddie the strap in the first place and let him go prove that he deserved it by taking on Angle. The images of Eddie as champion celebrating with the title when he won it (and later in this match where he retained it) are burned into the minds of every real wrestling fan alive today. Keep them there, kids - that’s where Uncle Eddie will TRULY live on. Great, great, GREAT finish to the match, making Angle lose nothing in a loss with the “loose boot” trick, playing fully on his never-be-replicated “lie, cheat, & steal” gimmick. This match justified Eddie as a true champion with him retaining against the always great Kurt Angle. I really have nothing funny to say here - great match. Well, hang on…..poopy shit. That’s kind of funny. In a three-year-old kind of way. But that’s all I’m giving here. This match alone is worth the show; it was when Eddie was still with us, and even more so now that things are the way they are.

Match score: *****

9. UNDERTAKER vs. KANE (Return of the Deadman - he’s…alive?…again? vs. The Gumpy Dumpy Monk-y named Glen)

Well, I’ve gotta be honest - this one had a pretty cool buildup for the throwback Taker return. I will say one thing about the “Biggest American Big Bad Red Evil Devil Dog in the Yard” version of Big Mark - the HEEL version would have been much easier to swallow had it NOT been the Undertaker portraying that character. That’s just my opinion. But now we’re just supposed to forget all that other shit happened (and for once, most people were more than willing to in this case) and welcome back the Deadman. (OOHHHH YESSSS - Paul Bearer was there too, but that asshole Kane didn’t even say hi to his daddy!) The story here is that Kane buried his brother cause Taker wasn’t a monster anymore - without even bothering to look at himself and realize that he looks about as monstrous as Baby Huey without the mask.

I think the entrances were almost longer than the match here, as Undertaker makes what was formerly the world’s longest entrance into the world’s even fucking longer entrance. I still stand by my theory that the reason he got the bike to go with the previous gimmick is so he would get his happy ass to the ring and stop wasting valuable TV time strolling through the misty meadow - there’s plenty of other shit they could waste time with. Now, when Taker gets to the ring, two things come to mind. First - he looks like a haggard-ass Van Helsing crossed with an old-west sheriff. Second - obviously he didn’t have enough time to grow his hair back properly, as he’s rocking some serious emo hair. Any minute now he’ll start whining about Sara not showing him enough love and telling us that Kane was always the favorite son, which is why he got tattoos - to be DIFFERENT (just like everyone else). Ok I’ve typed too much shit and not enough actual review so I’ll make this quick, seeing as how the Super Destruction Bros. did as well. The match is filled with 6’10”-7’0” offense; big boots, sidewalk slams, and whatnot, not to mention everyone’s classic spots (including one that should NO LONGER be called Old School ever again from this point forward). The ending was predictable - Taker sticking Kane with the Tombstone, and looking like he was trapped in his ass while he was doing so. Match was okay - way more about the spectacle than anything; I had remembered nearly everything about this match prior to watching it again, and it was still pretty cool to see the return of the O.G. (original gimmick). But someone now needs to tell Kane to do the same shit…

Match Score: *** (one FULL star extra for “the PRESENCE of the UNDERTAKER!!”” Bong…..Bong…..Bong…)

10. Triple-Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

TRIPLE H (champion - of course) vs. SHAWN MICHAELS vs. CHRIS BENOIT

Ah - we’ve come to our main event . HHH was in full-on “I rule the world (wrestling entertainment), but I am not yet a king - that’s in two more years” mode, he and HBK were in the midst of a feud, and Benoit was on Smackdown and just won the Royal Rumble. He decided he wanted to face HHH for the belt, HBK doesn’t like that idea none, and super kicks Benoit back to Edmonton (which is WAY farther away than “now residing in Atlanta, GA”) and signs one of those bogus contracts. That’s pretty much the build to this match, but it didn’t need much. This was to be the payoff for Benoit throwing the WCW belt in the trash the day he won it (and also, silly enough, his last day with the company). And the match delivered. A few entrance notes: Benoit could have been walking to any ring at any point in his career (something to be said about consistency), HBK was sporting the NOT-FUCKING-CHAPS tights he wore pretty much up until after this point, and HHH came out with “the precious” and some WHITE RING BOOTS. Eh? These proceeded to fuck with me for about ¾ of the match; almost as bad as the time he wore the biker short looking tights, or the god awful purple ones. I think he learned from all this “experimentation” - stick with chicks….I mean black tights, black boots. Now - the match itself….better than expected, and for me, better than I’d remembered it (when I watched it on PPV, I was very NOT high on HHH at this point and the son of a bitch just wouldn’t lose fast enough). It fell victim to the standard WWE triple threat formula, however, with the concrete on the outside being replaced with thousands of tiny tranquilizer dart tips that cripple the shit out of you any time you touch the floor….BUT, since this is the way they ALL are, we’ll just move past it. All three men had their working boots on (WHITE boots - WTF?) and put on a great match; as well booked and worked as any triple threat could have been considering the whole dart floor thing. What makes the match is the ending, as we see Benoit winning the World Heavyweight Title for the first time in his career. Props to HHH for putting Benoit over clean with a tap out while in the Crippler Crossface, then props revoked for dominating the show for the next year even while Benoit was champion. Grrr….but I’m not going to let that run this match. Great stuff, which lead to an actually decent Backlash “obligatory fuck you and fuck your money” rematch. The ultimate capper to the night had Benoit and Guerrero crying and hugging holding world championships mid-ring - an iconic image in WWE history now and forever….that ABRUPTLY cuts off on my DVD to show a picture of none other than VINCE and the voiceover of “Twenty years ago, one man had a vision….”, reminding us all what and who it’s really about. Don’t forget that, motherfuckers.

Match score: **** (just the image of Benoit/Guerrero with titles would have gotten two stars)

Well, there you have it - my first review for your snacking pleasure. Overall, this show was very entertaining and had quite the star-studded lineup; just on this show, there were 22(!) wrestlers (fuck the term “superstars”, by the way - Paul McCartney’s a fucking superstar, Rob Conway is just a fucking wrestler) that were either former or future world champions in either WWE or not WWE, including every single champion that’s held the belt(s) since this show (except for Edge, he wasn’t physically on the show - it must have been PG-13 HA HA HA - but he had a promo hyping his return to the ring on the show that I didn’t mention earlier…he was nursing an injury and trying to think of ways to make his chin grow before his return). That alone was worth the…uhh…price? Either way, if you haven’t seen this show (either at all or in a while), I recommend it. Go any earlier with the ‘Manias, and it will make you long for the old “F” days, and going later will just prove to you that pretty much jack shit has really happened since. It’s a good bridge. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that!