11. Big Show - I Love Threesomes

Just on the simple fact that the Big Show gets to be the only guy ever to hold all three of those belts (despite the obvious and very large ASTERISK next to the ECW title). Being that the back says “I Love Threesomes”, it isn’t the worst shirt they’ve ever printed, but then if you picture the Big Show in that sumo diaper walking to a bed with three oiled-up title belts waiting for him it most definitely changes that thought. I know I didn’t have to go there, but it’s too late.

10. Carlito - Eat Spit

I blame this shirt for turning Carlito into a complete turd. With the apple shirt, everything was fine - he got this damn orange one, he started the TrishTorrie angle, has blown more spots than a Scott Steiner match, and went from being a strong heel to just another meh-tastic face on Raw - his heelish ways were once so strong that he got to interrupt RODDY PIPER and STEVE AUSTIN at WM 21. So basically, don’t ever wear this shirt, unless you want to become robo-ordinary.

9. John Cena - 5 Questions

I’ve only got one - what the fuck? I have no idea what this is all about - something do to with a segment that Cena was doing on WWE.com. Whatever - if you feel the need to own a John Cena shirt, this one probably won’t be your first choice. I seriously got nothing. I’ve never seen ANYONE in the crowd with this thing on. And it’s a CENA shirt!!

8. Kane - Burn In Hell

I’m unsure, but I think I’m supposed to see this shirt and be maybe just a tiny bit intimidated, cause he’s a red monster and all who manipulates fire. Not even Photoshop can make Glen (I’ve decided Kane will be referred to as “Glen” as long as he has no mask on) look even a tiny bit intimidating. The look on his face just screams “They just told me to look menacing - I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”. Every time Kane tries to act like a “monster”, it just looks like he’s totally forcing it, as if to tell us that he KNOWS he can’t be intimidating, but his paycheck is forcing him to be. I HATE the fact that we’re still supposed to buy in to the fact that he’s evil when they took everything that looked evil away from him - they wanted us to buy him as a human when he looked like a monster, and now that things are switched they want it back the other way - GRRRRRRRRRRRR. This shirt reminds me of all of that HATE, so damn IT and Glen to Hell. Maybe then he’ll REALLY get burned and come back with a mask.

7. Batista - I Walk Alone

You can’t even make this guy interesting on a t-shirt. “I Walk Alone?” They just threw that shit on there from the theme song = LAME. They’re trying so hard to market this guy, but strangely enough are having a hell of a time coming up with anything marketable about him as far as merchandise goes. Usually in WWE, that means that you lose your push if you can’t move merch…but we get the opposite with big Dave - we just get stupid merch. This shirt makes the list merely because of the fact that it’s a lame effort - NONE of him is really marketable, so let’s just slap his picture on the shirt. Can’t go wrong with that…

6. John Cena - Chain Gang Battalion

I’m so god damn tired of seeing this shirt. It’s stupid - it’s something the little kiddies wear, which is the only fanbase WWE can count on to cheer Cena consistently. With the HUGE number of cool shirts this dude has had over the years, this dumb shirt is the one that rucks fules and because it’s selling so well it keeps that championship firmly around his waist hoisted high over his head. It reminds me of those retarded “Big Dogs Have Bigger Bones” type shirts that you see all the Wal-Mart shoppers wear. That and shirts with shit like a ganstered-out Tweety Bird. Oh yeah, and I saw this shirt at Hot Topic. That merits a place on this list alone.

5. D-Generation-X - Cross

I’m not against anyone believing in whatever they want…HBK’s newfound faith brought him back to the ring after the back injury and keeps him going strong STILL after he retired after Wrestlemania 14. However - when D-Generation X becomes D-Generation Christ, I have a bit of an issue. You’d be hard-pressed to find a wrestling fan that wasn’t into DX at least in some respect back in the day. Shawn - your own t-shirts are bad enough, with bible-ish quotes and religious symbolism. It’s a big part of your life. Seriously, though - we’re slapping a CROSS on a DX shirt - those two words aren’t “Kneel” and “Pray”. Those two words are “suck it”, implying a sexual act involving a wiener and a mouth. Not exactly endorsed by the Bible, but endorsed by DX as its only real slogan. Whatever. Screw this shirt. Seeing as how DX is one member now anyway, and that one member is Captain Righteous, I guess this shirt fits perfect for him. Next thing we’re going to see is HBK having CROSS pyros instead of “X” pyros. Exit DX - enter D+. Break it down…..

4. McMahon

Do I need to tell anyone why this shirt sucks?

3. Ron Simmons - Damn

Please don’t ever buy or wear this shirt, people. All you’re doing is proving to the WWE that they can crank out a shirt with ANYTHING on it and it will sell. Prove them wrong. Buy shirts of the wrestlers you like. Make them stop cranking out shit like this. Don’t get me wrong - this is NO slam on ol’ Faarooq. It is a slam on what the WWE will paint up and treat like it’s the greatest recurring joke in the history of television. You TOO can own the fantastic DAMN shirt, where it will tell every DAMN person that reads it how you don’t give a DAMN how they feel, nor do you want to hear them tell you any DAMN thing. See? It’s a fuckin’ bucket of yuks, isn’t it? Just don’t let them make shirt of everything.

2. Batista - Good Guys do Bad Things

Yeah. Like stink up Smackdown. Fuckin’ lame attempted catchphrases - here’s a hint. He can’t crap one out, he doesn’t get one. period. Another Batista shirt on here…if they’d stop sucking I’d stop having to include them. What are some of the bad things Batista’s done? Well, as a heel, he helped electrocute Goldust. He hung out with HHH for awhile, which I guess is a bad thing. Wait - here’s one. He’s the only guy EVER to get to go over Triple H THREE straight times and still was unable to use that momentum to propel himself into stardom. He’s just damn lucky he got injured so he could get the “he’s coming back” injury heat.

1. DX - Vince Likes Chicken

It was the second I saw this shirt that I knew DX ‘06 was going to suck ‘0DICKS. Ha ha ha Vince likes chicken, another name of which is “cock”, which is another way to say “dick” - Vince is GAY!! So why doesn’t he print a shirt with his fucking logo ALL over it telling the world about his newfound relationship with wiener, even though it’s just a juvenile joke by those DAMN Degenerates…..If I could get my hands on them I’d MAKE THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL. Maybe you should just stop printing their jokes on t-shirts, Vince. I’m surprised that HBK would be okay endorsing this shirt as he belly-chopped his way through this frustrating angle. SIDE NOTE - I’m officially coining a phrase right now: “Belly-chopping” - verb - to allow ones personal beliefs to get in the way of successfully completing a task or mission. Can also be used as a noun - “Belly-chopper”. In a sentence - “We we going to take Rob to see that new gory movie, but ever since he started going to church with his girlfriend he’s become a total belly-chopper and doesn’t like violence anymore.”

SCREW THIS SHIRT (Hell, screw them all - just spooge on the last one…..)

And that’s that.

As always, feedback is appreciated.