23Log’s ECW: the Re-CRAP

Mar 27, 2007

ECW! ECW! We start this week with the terrific ECW intro video, which contains images of Bobby Lashley 10 god damn times. 10!! I COUNTED!

Just for that, I demand to see a two skull match at the beginning.

Elijah Burke vs. Rob Van Dam - winner: RVD

23Log’s Ranking:

I asked for two - I gave it three. This was a very good TV match - one very cool spot had Burke countering that silly back-bridge spot with a slam thingy. We also actually heard an “ECW” chant after RVD kicked Burke out of the ring, then hit a ropeflip legdrop to the outside. HA it’s not dead yet. Yet. We nearly lost our cool points when we came back from the commercial to find RVD in a chinlock, but got it back with some unique offense from Burke and the win for RVD after he countered the running knee blast and hit the *****.

Now it’s EXTREME EXPO-fuck it all, I changed the channel to watch Bill Engvall. I don’t even think he’s that funny, but at least he is what he says he is. Bitches.

Next match will be a squash because it’s

FUCKING Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney - winner: FUCKING Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking:      *not a typo*

Boot. Ugly. Balls got kicked.

More promos for the only match at Wrestlemania that matters, then backstage with the Money In The Bank guys, teasing the 8-man tag later, with Edge on the team with the Hardys. That shit’s not going down…

But before that, we get “final statements” from Vince & Lashley regarding the you know. Vince talks and talks and talks, while Lashley just sits there wearing what looks like a ripoff Goldberg shirt with a look on his face that says “Don’t this cracka ever shut up?”. Finally, after Vince wastes what felt like a half hour, Lashley calls him a bastard and a son of a bitch. Definitely not the worst Vince has been called, but I’ll go with it.

They’re going to give the 8-man tag some time it seems…

Kennedy, Finlay, Orton, Booker vs. Punk, Hardys, and Edge - winners: heels (Edge too)

 23Log’s ranking:

A lot happened here, but then again not much happened as this match did what we expected; tease the Money In The Bank. Basically, it was normal heels vs. faces tag team fare until Edge decides he wants to be Edge and after getting tagged in for the first time, he goes for a spear, then just leaves. While his partners (who shouldn’t be surprised at all) are bitching at him, things get clusterfucky and CM Punk winds up taking the rock on a stick from Finlay, then the Scissors Kick from the King. Edge leaves to an “Edge is gay” chant while the Hardys go get ladders and hit everyone with them.

That’s where we end it - a big tease with both Hardys holding the briefcase that was hanging over the ring the whole time for some reason.

Best part of the show: I can’t explain why, but I liked Edge and Burke this week. Wow. The matches were better this week too, but there were many fewer. Sometimes it’s better that way.

Who pissed me off this week: I should just call this the McMahon award, because I got real tired real quick watching him blow himself. Maybe he should try blowing himself UP instead.

Mar 26, 2007

Yay! Finally no announcement of any passed-on wrestlers starting off this week, although Raw’s in Chicago tonight so they might be announcing the death of John Cena’s momentum going into 23 if the crowd’s anything like last year’s ‘Mania.

Either way, we start tonight with Coach in the ring. I hate Coach. That’s all I got. Anyway, he mentions that tonight’s Lashley vs. Vince match will now be no-DQ, with any unauthorized outside interference being met with fines and suspensions. This basically ensures that we will see a run-in fest in favor of McMahon. Like you saw it going down any other way.

Suddenly, Coach is interrupted by the GLASS BREAKING (ahhh…just like the good ol’ days) and Stone Cold’s on his way to the ring. Austin starts talking about Trump buying him a bunch of presents to pay him off, when Coach interrupts him to tell him that Vince would never do that. Austin then ignores the interruption to pick up right where he left off, which was that the presents were actually from McMahon.

Stone Cold then declares that he should DQ Vince right here and shave his head for trying to screw with the official, but then Coach, like the true man-tool-slave he is, totally takes the bullet for McMahon and says it was HIS idea. Austin then goes off on a rant about how he’s the boss in the ring on Sunday, then goes to leave the ring.

Coachman then shoots himself in the face by calling Steve back and trying to verbally ass-pat him by telling him that they both make bald look beautiful. He gets the Stunner for his ass-patting efforts. Enter the beer and post-Stunner celebration as Austin leaves the ringside area…

….but he ain’t gone yet, kids - he hops in his truck and nearly runs into McMahon’s limo, who screams at him but then realizes that it’s Austin and tries to kiss his ass. Austin gives him the ol’ FUCK YOU sign and leaves. Vince then beats up and fires his limo driver. Piss drunk with power.

Up next, we get three Playboy cover girls in action - and NOT the kind of action you get on those free DVDs that come with the magazine subscription (so I’ve heard..). The stupid kind of action.

JILLIAN HALL, VICTORIA, & MILENA vs. ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE - 6-BEEEYATCH TAG MATCH

Yay - four times the boobs, four times the suck. It’s about this time that they tell us that the Ashley vs. Milena match at 23 will be a “Lumberjill Match”. This means the ring will be surrounded by all the useless plastic the company employs to make sure that all the blown-spot, hair-pully mayhem will be kept in check. Or, to ensure that there’s so much boobage abounds during the match that you won’t catch on to the terrible match cause you’ll be too busy waiting for a pop-out. Either or. I’m just holding on to the hope that during that match, Satan decides to cash in on Vince’s soul and starts by engulfing the ring in hellfire to ruin his PPV.

Meanwhile, we have a fantastic match on our hands here. We start with Ashley/Milena, then Candace/Victoria as the heels maintain control and work the tag formula by quickly tagging and isolating Candace. But evil is soon thwarted as she makes the kinda hot, but only when airbrushed tag to Ashley, who nails a rotten looking hurricanrana (hurriCANTrana?). Man, she’s terrible in the ring.

Now it’s Ashley/Jillian, where chicky offense results in the worlds slowest victory roll for the win for Team “We’re Over Cause We Got Naked”.

WINNERS: ASHLEY, TORRIE WILSON, & CANDACE MICHELLE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Uhhh, I’m going to say Candace’s top. It looked like a red bikini that she bought a size too small for her girls, giving us some bonus boob exposed. Not that that’s really THAT big of a deal. You’ve seen her nips.

OVERALL: I thought that there wasn’t a less deserving woman on the roster of the Women’s title when Milena won it. I now recant that statement - there most definitely is. And she’ll probably be the next one, as the belt will soon become the “prize one receives for showing the world your wax job”. One of two things (or both) will happen in their match (and this should be obvious by now): It will suck ass, or someone will get broken. But they book it at Mania anyway, while Johnny Nitro, Paul London, Shelton Benjamin, Chavo Guerrero, and many others get to watch it from backstage. Whatever blows your skirt up, WWE - or, in this case, blows it off.

Moving on, they shill the BOTB (Battle of the BULLSHIT) for the first of what will no doubt be too fucking many times tonight. Look, if you don’t know what’s going on between these guys by now, you’re not the target fucking market and you’re definitely not going to drop 50 bucks on a PPV. Fuck off with you.

Back from commercial, we get “Chicago’s Own” CM Punk? Isn’t he on another brand’s show?

CM PUNK vs. KENNY DYKSTRA

Kenny jumps Punk before the bell, Punk turns things around briefly with a clean-looking double-underhook backbreaker, but then heelish ways take over as Kenny turns it back his way with the CHINLOCK (Heel 101, remember?). It is at this point that an insanely loud CM Punk chant builds (as, again, he’s Chicago’s own) as he gets out of the dreaded chinlock and starts firing back with his offense (springboard clothesline, running knee + bulldog), then his wicked looking fireman’s carry-to-knee-to-fucking-face finisher for the pin. And I’m still supposed to buy that the F-U could take ANYONE out…

WINNER: CM PUNK

BEST PART OF MATCH: The simple fact that Punk showed up on Raw to wrestle was a welcome treat; apparently for the crowd as well, as he probably got one of the loudest chants I’ve heard in awhile. HEAR THAT, VINCE? He probably still won’t get the push he deserves because Vince didn’t create his character. Isn’t that right, Marcus Cor Von?

OVERALL: Match was a bit on the quick side, but both Kenny & Punk are always clean in the ring, and they worked well together for the brief time they got to go at it. Plus, I like CM Punk. That got the thumbs up on appearance alone.

Afterwards, Edge appears on the ‘tron to talk mad crazy mess to Punk about how he’s got no chance in the MITB match, but he’ll have a chance to tell him why he thinks he can win in a special edition of “The Cutting Edge” featuring all 8 of the guys from the match. It’s like an invasion; guys from OTHER BRANDS are coming to Raw. Set your fucking VCRs, amigos - it’s a once-in-a-week EVENT.

BOTB Shill #2 - really, if you don’t know the build by now, you are obviously an undiscovered species of fungus that lives on the underside of deep-ocean rocks. Or you don’t give a fuck.

Lawler does call Vince the “Corporate Man of Steel” after this particular shill. Quick! Someone forge a chair out of Kryptonite before he finds out his weakness!

Ok, that Cutting Edge thingy is happening right now, as everyone’s standing in the ring waiting for Edge, who comes in and gets on the mic. First, he obviously has his priorities in line as he totally pimps himself and his ladder match prowess, his Wrestlemania record, and his ability to fuck the girlfriend of one of the guys in the ring and avoid getting his face punched in even though he not only stole his bitch, but turned it into the biggest push of his life. He didn’t say that last part.

Now, he’s going to give everyone in the ring a chance to tell him why they think they can beat him:

What they said:

Matt Hardy: “You’ll be on your back like your ex-girlfriend”

King Booker: “None of you peasants have had the reign of King Booker”

Finlay: “I’m tired of all the talking”

Randy Orton: bitches about Edge

Kennedy: “Misssssssstttttaaaaaaaaa Keennnnnnne-” (Edge ripped the mic away before he could finish)

Jeff Hardy: “I’m going to steal the show”

CM Punk: “All you’re doing is running your mouth…”

What they should have said:

Matt Hardy: “I hate you and I hope you get cancer of the face”

King Booker: “You know, I wouldn’t even be in this match if I’d have shot Batista instead of punching him”

Finlay: “I’m too old to be falling off bloody ladders - can’t you young bucks get over on your own?”

Randy Orton: “I wonder how many people I can piss off and still get put on Wrestlemania?”

Kennedy: “Damn - they want me to make SEVEN of you look good?”

Jeff Hardy: “Thank GOD I got out of TNA - the last thing I needed was to be in a silly gimmick match. Wait…..”

CM Punk: “How sad is it that I’m the most over guy in this ring and I’ve been on TV for less than a year?”

This whole shebang leads to the inevitable brawl, which Edge inevitably runs the fuck away from, until the faces notice this and toss the heels out of the ring on their asses, leading to them chasing Edge. Yup.

Back from commercial, we get Maria (yum) backstage with Cena (damn).

Cena Reaction Report: Quick pop, then boos. This is the same town that crucified him last year at 22, though..

Cena cuts a promo, but it’s actually not like the majority of the promos he’s cut for the last year - it’s actually not bad. He runs down the different kinds of people at Wrestlemania this year before getting to himself and Michaels, whom he calls “two of the most controversial and charismatic individuals of all time”.

TIME OUT. I’ll give those things to HBK, and I’ll even give the charisma part to what Cena USED to be, but this controversial thing is getting out of hand. “Controversial” as it pertains to Cena is merely a bullshit excuse to explain the terrible crowd reaction he gets from those “defiant crowds” from time to time because they won’t just nut up and turn him heel because he’d sell less t-shirts. Cloning is controversial. You are just the end result of bad booking.

Back to the promo, where Cena says that after WM 23, there will only be one man talked about for years to come (Vince?); the man who toughed it out to say “the champ is here”.

BOTB Shill #3 - Blah. I’m out of fucking jokes. Here’s one: What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

Moving on with Raw, now - it’s Vince o’clock. Time to put the kids to bed, as shit’s about to get completely unbearable.

Right on time, they’re gearing up for Lashley vs. McMahon. I guess he decided to have his WRESTLERS as the WRESTLING SHOW’S main event. Good call.

But before that….BOTB Shill #4. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH FUCKFUCKFUCKAAAAAHHHH!!!

I feel better. For now.

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. VINCE MCMAHON - NO DQ LIKE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MATTER AS THIS SHIT IS NOT GOING DOWN MATCH

Vince is out first in all his non-billionaire swaggering glory, followed by Lashley with his double pyro-pop. I was secretly hoping Vince would forget about the ringpole pyros and totally pull a James Hetfield, torching his ass. He didn’t.

McMahon starts by grabbing a microphone (of course) and, to the shock of about thirteen people, announces that he’s not going to physically embarrass him, but embarrass him with his intellect. The very same intellect that thought pushing Test was a grand idea. Either way, he jumps out of the ring as the bell sounds, which brings Cade & Murdoch running down the ramp. Here comes the B.S….

Lashley owns them both. Enter Chris Masters now. Lashley digs him up from his burial last week and owns him too. Johnny Nitro runs out now. Lashley owns him too. If Joey Mercury didn’t get his ass fired, I’m sure he’d run out and be owned as well. Now that a good chunk of the Raw roster has been completely buried, things get marginally more interesting as, SHOCKINGLY, Umaga comes out.

The brawl begins as we are reminded that it doesn’t matter if they give this match away on TV because it’s so not even close to being about these two wrestling.

Things get really stupid now as Vince nails Lashley with a low blow, which leads to a Samoan Drop from Umaga, then to the three count (!!????) as McMahon makes the pin.

WINNER: VINCE MCMAHON (HE GUARAN-DAMN-TEES IT!)

BEST PART OF MATCH: Lashley got pinned. But it was by Vince, so it’s kind of like saying the dirt tasted good because it wasn’t poop.

OVERALL: Ok…now everything that happened here I expected. Except for the whole “Lashley can’t be fucked with, but a pop in the junk and ONE MOVE will end that bullshit once and for all” part. I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked that Lashley goes on a fucking DEATH WAVE of a push, only to be owned by the “McMADMahon” as JR called him. Totally made Lashley look weak, and makes the fact that he beat both Kennedy and Orton in a handicap match on Smackdown look so much worse.

Afterwards, they continue to hint at who’s leaving ‘Mania bald as Umaga runs through his moveset on Lashley, allowing Vince to pin him a second time. Man, he should have made him put the ECW Title up too. Then McMahon could really piss the name away. After all of this, in theory, Umaga should have learned that to win, all he has to do is kick Lashley in the nads and Samoan drop his ass and we’ll see a bald D.T. But that’s theory - it has no place in wrestling. Fucking Lashley. Fucking Vince. Fucking Umaga. Fucking Trump. Fucking match. Fucking shill. Fucking A.

After break, we get the inevitable recap of what JUST happened (in case you slipped into a time-space vortex over the last couple minutes), then we see Vince leaving the arena. Something happened. Eugene was there. I tuned out during this. I think I might have been pondering the 233,623 things I’d rather be doing that looking at McMahon right now.

Hey! Double bonus tonight! It’s KENNNNNEDY!!!!

RANDY ORTON & MR. KENNEDY vs. THE HARDYS

They’re not the Hardy Boys any more…probably a good time to stop with that (even though Shawn’s still the “Heartbreak Kid” at over 40, but the “Heartbreak Man” sounds dumb as hell, so we’ll go with it). Anyway, Orton & Matt start off in a battle of “Deserved To Be Canned But Wasn’t” vs. “Didn’t Deserve To Be Canned But Was”. Jeff gets tagged in, followed by Kennedy (let the owning begin). He throws the hell out of Jeff to the outside, Randy goes after him, and the tag formula now hits full swing as the heels begin to isolate Jeff.

Orton gets the tag from Kennedy, which brings on a flurry of appendage stomping and a brief glimpse of a chinlock before bringing Kennedy back into the mix. Jeff begins his comeback with the Whisper In The Wind, then hot-tags Matt Hardy, who nails a Side Effect on both guys (better than the “side effect” he let Edge have when he knocked the boots with Lita - sorry, Matt himself made a Lita joke tonight, so I felt like it was OK to bring it back one more time). He goes for the Twist of Fate on a now-legal Orton, but Kennedy is there to say fuck all that.

We then wind this one up as the Hardys nail a Poetry in Motion on Orton, then try it on Kennedy, who obviously had JUST watched them do the same thing to Randy and felt it was a good idea to get the hell off the other turnbuckle when Matt squatted strangely in front of him. Point is, Jeff nails the turnbuckle and is out of commission, but Matt goes for another Twist of Fate, this time on Kennedy, but in a TRUE twist of fate, he is shoved into an RKO.

WINNERS: ORTON & KENNEDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: Again, the surprise appearance in the ring of one of my favorites. KENNEDY!!!!

OVERALL: Average match that followed the tag-team formula, but we saw a clean finish with a heel team actually winning off their heel strategy. It’s been so long, it seems…

Next Hall Of Fame inductee is Jim Ross, which the Rock calls “The John Madden of WWE”. That’s about what I think, but not in the complimentary sort of way - in the “mute the fucking commentary” kind of way. I guess he deserves it, though, his voice is plastered on just about every major event in WWE history after Wrestlemania 13. It’s just tough listening to him try and sell something that, every once in awhile, I’m just not buying. Not his fault, I guess….but the phrase “LOOK AT THE CARNAGE” is his fault, and every time I hear it I just want to shoot him in the face and scream the same thing. We won’t end this on that note, however, as he most definitely is one of the most recognizable voices in wrestling history.

JR tenderly waves to the crowd as they applaud him, but then Khali’s music hits, which Lawler appropriately calls “a buzzkill”. Amen. This is most definitely worse than Ross being inducted, especially since he’s wrestling…

THE GREAT KHALI PUNJABI PILE vs. RIC FLAIR

The battle of “No Sell” vs. “Can’t Sell” begins. Khali actually backdrops him in this match - he must have done his Ric Flair homework. But not much homework, as he no-sells the chops and we end up on the outside where he’s about to slam Flair on the stairs. Thank god for Carlito as he, mercifully, makes the run-in, leading to the DQ.

WINNER (BY DQ): THE PUNJABI PILE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Carlito ran in and make this short and so fucking not sweet.

OVERALL: Khali score.

After the match, Khali destroys Carlito. But, alas, the destroying comes do a halt as KANE the MONSTER shows up with that damn hook again. USE IT! USE IT! PLEASE HOOK HIS ASS!! Nope. No hook. Khali takes a couple punches and bails. Kane makes the poles go boom. Fuck it all.

We’re about to that point in the show where there’s no wrestling, but it would be silly to start the main event early so they just cram bullshit into one period between two commercial breaks that doesn’t really amount to anything. This week, we get the grab bag of:

- Promo for the Condemned. Go see it. Because Stone Cold said so. Or something.

- Rundown of Wrestlemania card. (They remind us that the “Lumberboobs” match is a Wrestlemania first and “anything can happen” in that match. I call bullshit.)

- Promo with HBK, who is looking way too tan. He basically just says that Cena’s like every other big name he’s faced - they’re all gone and he’s still here. He’s winning the title at ‘Mania (dream big, Shawn), but tonight he’s got his back.

- 8-man tag on ECW featuring all of ONE ECW wrestler as the 8 MITB match guys take each other on. Interesting note - Edge is on the face team. Probably means he’s not going to wrestle.

NOW we get to our last break - main event is next!

BUT NOT BEFORE BOTB SHILL #5. FIVE!!!!!!!!!

SHAWN MICHAELS/JOHN CENA (CHAIN GANGERATION-X) vs. UNDERTAKER/BATISTA (UNDER-DAVE) IN A FUCK YOU IF YOU BOUGHT NO WAY OUT MATCH

Enter Cena @ 10:53, followed by D+. Then, RAW IS BLAH as Blah-Tista heads to the ring with his pyro pop. I still don’t get his whole taunt thingy he does to those. Maybe I just have to be blah to understand. Speaking of UNDERstanding, here comes the UNDERtaker, who’s not taking near as much time as usual because it’s 10:5fucking8. Plenty of time for a quality match. Well, maybe not quality, as we do have Cena & Batista here.

Taker starts off against Cena, and this crowd is officially shitting on ol John each time he gets any offense in. Crowd goes nuts as Cena’s about to get chokeslammed, but HBK makes the save to a mixed reaction. Batista runs in and clears the ring, leaving Taker and Dave alone. They start to square off with each other, but Cena runs back in to yet another chorus of boos.

We’re getting “Cena Sucks” chants while he and HBK work on Taker, while Batista apparently went and got a fucking cappuccino. We go back in the ring, where the crowd’s totally cool with HBK and Taker, but then go to full-on “fuck-off” mode when Cena gets tagged back in. Taker gains control, but then Dave makes a blind tag to get in the ring with Cena. The crowd’s heads then explode.

Actually they’re still shitting on Cena until he tags in HBK, which now gets EVERYONE in the ring. Cena takes a spinebuster from Dave (one of his TWO moves of Doom), while Taker’s about to Gorilla press HBK out of the ring. However, Taker decides it’s his turn to fuck over Batista and throws Shawn at Dave when he goes to Batista Bomb Cena. Taker then bails on Dave’s bitch ass, leaving Cena/HBK to double team him. This brings us to a mind-numbing DOUBLE 5-knuckle shuffle (twice the FIST, twice the POWER), but then Shawn FINALLY decides now is the time to superkick Cena, making him the clear face/heel in their match as the crowd pops HUGE for it. Congratulations, it’s officially past the point of anyone really caring. Batista, his head obviously pounding from the double-fisting, throws an arm over Cena for the win.

WINNERS: BATISTA AND I GUESS UNDERTAKER TOO

BEST PART OF MATCH: I’ll go with HBK finally superkicking Cena. Better late than never, I suppose.

OVERALL: This match did what it was supposed to do - add very little to the main event, as this is the last Raw before 23 and they can’t shake shit up TOO much. You’re already ordering it for the Battle of the Billionaires, right? It served its purpose and nothing more.

Here’s the stupid thing about this ending, though…if this was intended to have Michaels seem like the heel, then it’s clear that they want a face-heel alignment for this match. Why turn the guy the crowd will NOT boo? Because. That’s why. Shut up and watch.

Oddly enough, after HBK taunts Cena with a “you can’t see me” and a belly chop, they tell us that there will be more Raw after the commercial….

….where they replay the superkick and taunt, THEN end the show. Eh?

OVERALL SHOW: This Raw was better than last week; there were even a few surprises thrown in (at the expense of the brand extension’s integrity…wait - what integrity?). I got what I expected out of this week’s show, being that it was the Raw before the biggest PPV of the year (how Khali got a match on there I’m still unsure. He must be the only guy on the roster that can fit a grapefruit in his mouth…..: ). Shawn finally turning on Cena was supposed to feel like a big deal, but for some reason I just didn’t really care when he did it. Maybe I’m just a jaded asshole who is near positive that Cena’s winning now that he got laid out on the Raw before. As much as I love being right, I really hope I’m wrong sometimes. Meanwhile, back to this grade - nothing truly wrong with the show, though, but nothing that would cause me to give it a better than average grade. BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES!!!!! Forget NOT, bitches.

Ghost.

The staff at TCS Wrestling has cranked out a few updates for you unlucky souls today. Stay tuned to TCSWrestling.com as we do a roundtable discussion of our perdictions who will win at WrestleMania and who we want to win at WrestleMania 23.

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What’s up fuckies, it’s another edition of the ever mind-numbing Smackdown review. I’m sure that this week will be another in a long line of shows that really does nothing but keep us coasting until Wrestlemania. Oh ya, I forgot about the BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRE BUTT PLUGGERS. I didn’t really forget I just was trying to give myself forceful amnesia. I’m sure we’ll here all about how Vince McMahon and Donald Trump will somehow be the most interesting thing at Wrestlemania this year, despite holding any entertainment value what-so-ever, or even being involved in the direct match. Well lets get on with down of smack.

Well it looks like we start this weeks Smackdown with something that actually makes me ponder that Batista starting things out isn’t so bad, Vince McMahon. He comes to the ring blows himself verbally for a few minutes, he shows footage of Eugene getting his head shaved, and then he blows himself some more. God this whole Battle of the Billionaires match is quickly rising in my forever fuck you list. He then tells everyone in the audience that when he shaves Trumps head he will symbolically be shaving all of America’s head. Yah Vince, because all of America has a billion dollars, numerous hot ex-wives, their own TV show, and looks like they wear a dead ferret on their head. I think Vince has officially stepped out from reality to his own world filled with billionaires, cocksuckers, and people who think wrestling is mainstream news worthy. Vince keeps talking and pumps the fact that Stone Cold will call the match down the middle, if by the middle you mean slightly scewed one way then sure he will. He keeps talking and then announces again the Bobby Lashley vs. Vince McMahon match that will happen next week. I will love Lashley forever if he gives Vince the dominator through a bed of spikes. Then he puts Lashley in a match tonight against………MR. KENNEDY…….and Randy Orton? Brand Extension be damned. Orton then gets booed almost louder then Vince, until Vince does the Orton pose at the turnbuckle then everything is right in the land again. The two wrestlers take turns sucking the proverbial dick of McMahon in the ring for a while. Vince, in his all knowing wisdom, makes the match against Lashley a handicapped table match. this segment was way too long, but it had Vince so I’m sure he thinks it was time well spent.

Back from break and Kendrick and London make there way to the ring accompanied by useless plastic Ashley. They seem to be wearing masks that I can only describe as surrealist Halloween masks. Then MNM come to the ring in all of their metro sexual glory.

KENDRICK AND LONDON VS. MNM (TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH)

London pins Mercury after a frog splash crossbody. The match was actually pretty good. The tag team formula that I so often bitch about was not present in this match. The flow was good and the pace was quick. There was no bullshit ending which helped.

GOOD
-The pacing of the match was quick
-These two teams seem like they can work well together. Given a longer time I think these teams could put on a really great match.
-There was no formula in this match which was really nice considering it has been so long since I have seen a WWE tag team match without the formula.

BAD
- The useless plastic at ringside added absolutely nothing to the match and actually hurt the product just being out there, which is great considering they are probably going to be the ones at Mania, how sad is that.

OVERALL RATING:GOOD

Backstage an interview with the big pale gump Kane is taking place. We get to hear about Daivari and how Kane is going to use his hook on him in the match, to do what I’m not really sure, maybe to make Daivari Kababs (mine will come with chicken). This whole hook thing, which is so subtly brought back from See No Evil, is ridiculous. Well unless the match ends like the movie which sees Kane’s getting his eyes gouged out. That would be worth the price of admission alone. In a sad note it looks like WWE decided not to go with the middle eastern quasi devil baby idea.

Back from break and yet another Maryse intro which at this point I’m thinking is to make horny 14 year old boys think Smackdown is like those 1-900 number commercials, all visual and no pay off.

CHAVO GUERRERO VS. JIMMY WANG YANG

Jimmy Wang Yang pins Chavo after a top rope moonsault body block. This match was a good WWE cruiserweight match. Vince doesn’t let these guys bust out very often but we do get short glimpses of it, which is nice. There were some good spots in the match including the afore mentioned moonsault. Chavo drop kicked Jimmy Wang Yang while he was trying to do a flying crossbody. The match was quick and these two wrestlers worked pretty well together. All in all this match was a good showcase of good WWE cruiserweight wrestling.

GOOD
-Quick match with some good spots.
-These two wrestlers worked well together
-There were no slow parts of the match

BAD
-The match itself was pretty pointless. It just seemed like a way to get these two wrestlers on TV. Which isn’t a bad.

OVERALL RATING:GOOD

After the match they show a video package remembering Arnold Skaaland. If there is one thing WWE does that is bar none better then any other organization it is remembering fallen wrestlers.

After the break we are treated to a look at Stone Cold’s movie The Condemned, which looks like a cross between The Running Man and No Escape but thrown together by monkeys with ADD.

After the movie preview MVP comes to the ring. I still expect an entire football team to run out of that inflatable tunnel. He then announces his opponent Cedrick Van Haussen, who looks like a buss boy at Oktoberfest. JBL then blasts Cole for being a Xenophobe for commenting on his clothing.

MVP VS. CEDRIC VAN HAUSSEN

MVP beats Van Haussen with a play-maker which is that overdrive move from last week. This match was just made to get MVP some sort of momentum going into Mania, even if the momentum is just a crawl speed.

GOOD
-MVP seems to be getting his wrestling groove

BAD
-Still pretty pointless

OVERALL RATING: GOOD (I don’t care, I like MVP for some reason.)

After the match MVP gets on the mic and starts talking shit to Benoit about their match at Wrestlemania. He says that Benoit will become part of the MVP legacy. Well if the whole football thing holds true that legacy will involve at least three drug related arrests and another bogus assault charge as well as Benoit.

Time for the handicapped tables match. Kennedy comes to ring and instead of his full entrance we get…..HEY, Orton’s music hits. Then in true over pushed marking style Lashley comes out to a pretty large ovation.

MR. KENNEDY AND RANDY ORTON VS. BOBBY LASHLEY (Handicapped tables match)

Lashley puts Kennedy through a table then consecutively puts Orton through another table. This whole match was slow with random bursts of Bobby Lashley’s push showing through when he dominates Orton and Kennedy all at the same time. This match was the Bobby Lashley show. This guys push is so weird, first he’s not over enough to main event a Smackdown brand pay-per-view, now he’s in the most hyped match at this years Wrestlemania. It looks like somebody might have broken that magic eight ball that WWE creative uses to decide who to push and when. This match was just hard to watch. Considering that Kennedy has one on one wins against the Undertaker and he couldn’t beat Lashley in a Handicapped tables match this whole match was just silly. there are just some days when watching wrestling is about as fun as playing an old school Game Boy with half of the pixels missing.

GOOD
-The tables broke in the right places.

BAD
-Well lets see. the match was incredibly lopsided considering it was against two of the top heels in the company, and it was still a squash.
-Lashley did not need to go over these two guys, even if you don’t like them
-The match was pretty slow and boring.
-Everything else, I’m done talking about it

OVERALL RATING: BAD

After the match McMahon glares at Lashley, which I think is all he can do now-a-days, well that and verbally tickle his own twat.

Back from break and we have another backstage interview. This time it’s…..Batista. I’m beginning to hate this Kristyl chick, she picks the lamest interviews possible. First we get Kane then Blahtista. That’s like ordering poop for an appetizer just to find out that a bowl of bile is the main course. Well lets see what he has to say, it’s about to get Blah in here.
He reacts to what Taker did last week. Then he fulfills the blah in his name by saying that its not about getting angry but………..I DON’T FUCKING CARE. This guy is about as useful on the mic as frustrated field mouse.

CHRIS BENOIT VS. GREGORY HELMS

Benoit makes Helms tap out to the crossface. This match was about as standard a match that Benoit can have when you know he is going to own his opponent. The match was pretty solid considering it was just a match to put over Benoit so he didn’t look so bad tapping to Cena on Monday. Really nothing else to say about the match. Both of these guys are good workers. well I guess I did have else something to say.

GOOD:
-Benoit style match with brisk pacing
-JBL putting over Benoit instead of MVP even though he’s a heel announcer
-Some good wrestling spots through out

BAD
-Point of the match was just so Benoit could win a match after taping to John Cena.

OVERALL RATING: GOOD

After the match JBL gets up from the announcer chair and just leaves. I’m not exactly sure why maybe he doesn’t like the show either.

There’s all this pimping going on for the BOB match but I refuse to mention it because the more I talk about it the more I want to bob for apples in a vat of acid.

Teddy Long is shown backstage macking on Kristyl, it must not be for her interviewing skills. JBL walks in to cock block the brother. Bradshaw then suggests that he interview Blahtista and the Undertaker in the ring next week. That will be fun, “I’m here to wrestle,” “Rest in peace,” for ten minutes. Teddy Long then agrees to what he calls the biggest interview in sports entertainment history. I don’t know it seems that honor should belong to when Roddy Piper had Austin in Piper’s Pit. That’s not a joke or nothing that’s just how I feel.

In the back Batista is shown walking when Booker comes up to him to talk. But before any words Finlay attacks Batista, and both Finlay and Booker beat on Blahtista until security pulls them off of him. All this while Booker is shouting, “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

When they come back from break Booker is in the ring. Next out is Finlay with his rock on a stick. Undertaker comes out with his ten minute long entrance. It looks like Blahtista is not coming out. I’m so happy I don’t know how to express it. I will just get to my knees and thank god I don’t have to watch Batista wrestle.

KING BOOKER AND FINLAY VS. THE UNDERTAKER

The match ended with Booker and Finlay getting DQ’ed for Finlay hitting Taker with his rock on a stick. This match progresses like most handicap matches for the most part. It also felt like most tv main events lately, especially going into Wrestlemania. The crowd didn’t seem to be into this match very much, which doesn’t surprise me cause it was mostly just Finlay and Booker beating on Taker. The Deadman started to turn the match around, but that’s when Finlay hit Taker with the rock on a stick.

GOOD:
-It was a solid wrestling match. There were no blown spots really.
-I like the whole Booker & Finlay partnership.

BAD
-The ending was pretty standard WWE DQ
-The triple threat formula was pretty strong hear with no deviation from the normal flow
-The match never felt like it went anywhere for me

OVERALL RATING: BAD

After the match Booker and Finlay continue to beat down The Undertaker until Batista comes out and cleans house. Batista and Undertaker beat up on Booker and Finlay. Taker then goes for the last ride but Batista throws Booker into him and boos abound. The show ends with the two men glaring at each other and snarling.

This was just another show that felt like it was just cruising into Wrestlemania without really doing much in the way of shaking shit up. There were some decent matches on the show but, overall, the show was very bland.

OVERALL SHOW RATING: Meh

Well, I will see you next week here at the only Smackdown review on this site.

Top 11 Things That Need To Go Away Or Be Changed In Wrestling For Good!

Written By System Crash

Now before I dig into this Top 11 l want to remind you that this is my personal opinion on the matter, your may agree with some of my points, and you may not. However I would like to have those of you who are reading this submit your feedback on what you think of my top 11, and what your top 11 would be. Be warned this Top 11 List is a lengthy read. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this list, I hope you enjoy it.

11. Battle Royals

Seems like once a month either TNA or the WWE has a battle royal of sorts. Hell there probably will be a battle royal at WrestleMania either on the pay per view or as a dark match. Battle royals have become overly predictable like everybody gang up on the big fat fuck spot. They seem to lack of a lot of action because there is a lot of stalling in the corner or a guy just lying on top of the turnbuckle with a guy appearing to try to push him out. That shit works just as much as Ric Flair hitting a move off the top rope, hell I think Ric Flair has had a higher success rate.

Battle royals seem to be a waste of TV time, not very entertaining to watch, and an easy way out for bookers. It seems like they can’t trust two guys to put on a good match, so instead they throw a bunch of the people in the ring, and hope it works. There should be a rule in battle royals, that if you go outside other than going over the top rope, you can’t pull an Edge and be out there forever until the end, a 10 count should begin the moment your feet hit the floor.

The only battle royal that should be allowed to happen each year is the Royal Rumble, but even then it’s a little predictable. The Royal Rumble atleast it furthers storylines, creates new feuds, and the winner goes to WrestleMania to get a world title shot. I’d even let TNA get away with doing a royal rumble type battle royal if it meant something like the Royal Rumble and its not a reverse battle royal.

10. ECW being called ECW

Leave it up to Vince McMahon to tarnish and fuck up a legacy. I’ll admit on a personal level I didn’t object to them having One Night Stand in 2005, hell the ECW mark in me came out and said OH MY GOD! It was probably one of the best pay per views Vince had put on in a long time that wasn’t a WrestleMania.

Then we fast forward to 2006 where it was announced that ECW was being brought back now part of me knew it was going to be bad, but the other part of me wanted to believe that it would be cool if it was brought back. So we had another one night stand in 2006, how can you have two - one night stands? Hell if I sleep with a girl for the second time she usually becomes a friend with benefits. One Night Stands are supposed to be One Night Stands. While One night Stand 2006 was a good show, and hearing a real ECW crowd tear into John Cena was worth watching the show, it also would serve as the last time that ECW would be cool.

Trouble began with the first show on Sci-Fi channel and Sandman beating up some joker named The Zombie. That’s not ECW, unless Raven would have been wearing a zombie mask and beat the shit out of The Sandman and took the mask off. Things really turned for the worse when RVD and Sabu got pulled over, and RVD had to drop the title to the Big Show. After that ECW turned into Everybody Comes to Wrestle. The Big Show then defended the title against Batista, Kane, Ric Flair, and the Undertaker, man those guys are extreme! Now when you think Extreme according to Vince, you think Bobby Lashley! The only real positives I see on ECW are CM Punk and "The Alpha Male"Monty Brown not this Marcus Cor Von bullshit.

What ECW needs is a name change; it shouldn’t be allowed to be called ECW, because it’s nothing more than a nationally televised developmental league. ECW doesn’t need the old tag belts or TV title back because the world title is the TV title, since it’s defended on TV about every week. If there is a lesson a Vince should have learned a long time ago was adding new to something that used to exist and was good is a way to guarantee it will suck, for example the New Rockers, the New Blackjacks, the New Midnight Express, the new and improved DX, and now the new ECW. Vince that little lesson is courtesy of RD Reynolds from WrestleCrap.

9. Streaks

Streaks aren’t really impressive in a pre determined sport, because they are artificial. In baseball when someone hits 56 straight games that means something because that is hard to do and probably took a good combination of skill and luck.

Streaks are usually created in wrestling as a method for the bookers to get you to give a shit about someone that they are trying to force down you’re throat in some way or another. Streaks usually tend to go too long, are over hyped, tend to end in a bad way, and the guy who ends up doesn’t really look much better for breaking it.

Look at Ludvig Borga breaking Tatanka’s nearly two year win streak, it didn’t do shit for him. Kevin Nash ending Goldberg’s streak was bullshit even though his streak did need to end. Instead of having Nash who didn’t need the rub anyway to end Goldberg’s streak, WCW could have possible created a new main eventer by having some beat Goldberg, like say Chris Benoit. Samoa Joe’s streak went on too long also, but Joe wasn’t really shoved down our throats, he got over on his own. Kurt Angle was probably the right person to end Joe’s streak,because Joe didn’t look weak because of it. And finally let’s look at Bobby Lashley breaking the unbreakable but was really broken before Masterlock. Did you really give a shit about the Masterlock challenge and Lashley breaking it? No I didn’t think so unless you’re the stupid woman and young person who cheers for John Cena.

8. Vince Russo

I’m beginning to wonder if he is still on Vince McMahon’s payroll. Maybe he is a secret agent for Vince McMahon. McMahon probably sent him to WCW and TNA to book those companies into oblivion so Vince can buy them out or put them under. Ok enough with conspiracy theory!

TNA was doing well until Vince Russo showed up again and almost instantly TNA went to shit. There is no emphasis on the X-Division anymore instead Russo is trying to give these guys personalities that don’t need one to be over with the crowd. There has been a rash of gimmicky matches, matches that have things on a pole, and other dumb fuck ideas. Reverse battle royal anyone? Not to mention the crash TV style that Russo has brought with him to TNA. TNA used to be about wrestling until Vince Russo got there.

7. Booking on the Fly

I’ve been tired of booking on the fly for a long time. There are not too many angles these days that any sort of long term planning in them. Wrestling seems to be more booked for the short term these days instead of the old days where things were planned in advance. Seems like things are just thrown together and then try to go long term with it, or it just doesn’t make any sense. Like why in the hell are Shawn Michaels and John Cena even the tag team champs? Maybe the internet could be partly to blame for booking on the fly, but instead I blame leaks from people in the know. Now I realize sometimes that you have to book on the fly and change things because of injuries, suspensions, flight troubles, etc. However booking on the fly should be the exception not the rule.

6. Monthly PPV’s

Back when I first started watching wrestling in 1989 the WWF as it was known had four pay per views per year the Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, SummerSlam, and the Survivor series. WCW usually had five pay per views per year though at first the February PPV had different names but would quickly become Super Brawl, then a pay per view in May that would later become Slamboree, the Great American Bash in July, Halloween Havoc in October, and Starrcade in December.

Then when Eric Bischoff started to climb the ladder in WCW in 1993, WCW went to 7 PPV’s, in 1995 they went up to 9 PPV’s, and in 1997 they went to 12 PPV’s per year. The WWF went to 5 PPV’s per year in 1994 with the addition of the King of The Ring, then went to 10 in 1995 with the addition of the 5 - 2 hour In Your House line of PPV’s, and 1996 the WWF went to 12 PPV’s per year.

Now here we are in 2007, and the WWE has 16 Pay Per Views a year that will be featuring talent from all three brands now, making the brand extension absolutely pointless. TNA has 12 PPV’s a year also. The cost of buying every WWE PPV during the course of a year is 649.20. The cost of buying every TNA PPV during the course of the year is 359.40. That’s not including the fees some companies charge on top of that for ordering a PPV. Do they think we are made of money? Do we even feel like that we got our money’s worth when ordering a pay per view?

The point of watching a PPV back in the old days was to see something special, longer wrestling and sometimes better quality matches without commercial interruptions, and probably matches that were a little more violent. Now we have rematch hell where sometimes a feud doesn’t end in one or two matches because they have PPV’s every month and don’t seem to be creative enough to come up with new feuds. The build up for feuds has gone way down since the monthly PPV system; granted there have been a few exceptions to that though. Sometimes these days the PPV’s are just three hour versions of their TV show with endless promo packages, very little wrestling, and other shit that just wastes my time and money.

5. The Brand Extension

I won’t be getting into too much depth on this one, because The Boss will be writing about this in his column "The Pink Slip" in the near future.

The brand extension on paper sounded promising to me when it was announced in 2002. However it has failed miserably and now the pay per views are going to have all three brands, if that’s the case what’s the point of this brand extension? Especially if the wrestlers just show up to wrestle on the other brands.

I personally believe there is a way to fix the brand extension and if it doesn’t work, then it’s time to merge all three brands. RAW and SmackDown should be ran as totally separate companies with all their own offices, staff, bookers, and with an equal quality of talent unlike now. Also each company will have their own president that is not a McMahon who will report to the WWE Board of Directors, comprising of people other than a McMahon including Jean Paul McMahon. ECW should be renamed (see item 10) and separated, and become a breeding ground in which the two main companies are allowed to draft wrestlers from once or twice a year. The only time a wrestler competes in a company different than his own is WrestleMania and the Royal Rumble match. Since we have better chances of seeing the Ultimate Warrior on WWE programming again than getting rid of the monthly PPV’s these single company PPV’s should be 19.95. The main companies would get 4 PPV’s each, ECW would get 0, and the two main companies would jointly put on the big 4.

4. The Current WWE Wellness Policy

I won’t be getting into too much depth on this one either, because I’ll be writing about this one in depth in the debut of my column "The Reboot".

The current WWE Wellness policy needs to go. Wrestling in general needs an anti-drug and wellness policy. However the WWE Wellness policy was nothing but a knee jerk reaction to quiet the critics over Eddie Guerrero’s death. The WWE should have had a wellness policy a long time ago. However the WWE needs a real policy with real consequences and that is truly random and independent of the WWE. It will probably take an act of Congress to get the WWE to toughen up their policy. The WWE tends to put the needs of the company above the health of their wrestlers. Shooting up steroids, using human growth hormones, and doing hard drugs isn’t healthy for anyone.

3. Things that waste or take up too much time

Boy I don’t know where to begin with this one. Let’s start off with the Diva Search, what does this have to do with wrestling? The WWE is very focused on the "E" than the wrestling. I’m tired of seeing endless promos that go nowhere and really do nothing. The running down of a pay per view card on a pay per view I’m already watching and isn’t that what the pre show is for? Not to mention the 3 to 5 minute promo match before each match just in case you haven’t been watching. I’m tired of seeing endless replays over meaningless bullshit do wrestling companies think I have a short attention span? I don’t mind replays of something that is like totally awesome and shows that from a different angle, or if the monkeys in the truck fuck up and you missed something somewhat cool, but to do it just to kill time instead of putting on a wrestling match is ridiculous.

I’m also tired of seeing shit that caters to the live crowd and doesn’t cater to the people at home, isn’t this stuff they should be doing during the commercial break like the extremely lame expose, the kiss cam, t-shirt gun, etc. Another thing that caters to the live crowd that doesn’t cater to the TV audience is the long ass entrances you see in the WWE. In TNA, Kurt Angle probably has the longest entrance of about a minute unless he just comes thru the tunnel pissed off. In the WWE you have the Undertaker who takes about 5 minutes to get to the damn ring, hell I think an old bastard with a walker could make it down to the ring faster than that. Not to mention the 10 minutes it takes for all the people to get to the ring for the main event that starts at 10:50 if we’re lucky.

TNA used to be more about wrestling until Vince Russo got there, now they are just as bad as the WWE. I swear some days I’ve seen more action on a Jerry Springer show than I’ve seen on some wrestling shows. How about less talk and bullshit and more action? You’ve got a roster full of wrestlers; why not have them wrestle instead. Gee what a fucking concept wrestling on a wrestling show!

2. Vince McMahon

Ego-Mania is still running wild brother! Here we are just before WrestleMania 23 and what’s the main event of WrestleMania? The answer is the battle of the billionaire egos. All you have to do is to the main page for WrestleMania to see what I’m talking about. They have a picture on the main page promoting the two world title matches and the battle of the idiots. Guess whose match is taking up 50% of that image? Yeah you know that answer.

Vince McMahon is largely responsible for how wrestling is today. However the guy has a large ego that no one can keep in check anymore. Vince doesn’t have any real competition these days; TNA isn’t big enough to be considered competition. Vince McMahon should have never been allowed to buy WCW, the FTC or the Department of Justice should have blocked that from happening. However anyone that got over somewhere else that Vince didn’t create, Vince tries to destroy them. Vince blew what could have been the biggest angle ever in order to stroke his own fucking ego. Vince’s ego is so big that he thinks he can succeed outside of wrestling such as the WBF, WWE Films, and let’s not forget the XFL. Vince needs to realize he is not shit outside of wrestling, and hell he is not even doing a good job of doing that these days. Vince McMahon is one of the reasons why the WWF/E was so successful, but he could also be the downfall because of his own ego. Vince needs to resign as chairman of the WWE and wash his hands clean of the WWE and get away from it for the sake of us wrestling fans. Just don’t hand the company over to Nipple H and Jean Paul McMahon. Hand it over to people like Jim Ross,Michael Hayes, Paul Heyman(just don’t let him manage the checkbook)and other people who legitimately give a shit about wrestling.

1. The inability to listen to the fans

This is not just a WWE/TNA problem, this problem has gone on for a long time and probably won’t go away, but could be fixed if someone opened their damn eyes. The only company to ever truly listen to the fans is ECW, and I’m not talking about the WWECW, I’m talking about the original ECW.

One of the main reasons why these promotions today don’t listen to the fans is because of someone’s ego or backstage politics. Granted TNA probably does a better job of listening to its fans than Vince McMahon because TNA fans tend to be vocal like the original ECW Fans, the "Fire Russo" and "You Can’t See Us" chants are priceless.

The WWE likes to clamp down on signs because they don’t give a shit about what you really think, they get rid of TNA signs, anti face signs, etc. You people should just be more creative about getting your signs in the door. I can understand having no profanity on a sign, but if someone wants to have a TNA sign at a WWE event by all means this is a free country and you paid for a ticket.

Sometimes we hand Vince something on a silver platter and he doesn’t care or doesn’t run with it. He ran with Hogan turning face after WM18, or the pop that the crotch chops got at WM22. Even though DX coming back was a bad idea, but the crowds popped for it. However we’ve been bitching about John Cena who could have turned heel at WM22 and guess what he is still on top and getting shoved down our throats. The same thing can be said about Batista and Bobby Lashley. I don’t care about their title reigns except I want them to end. Edge and Booker T were interesting as champions.

Both companies haven’t listened or done anything about the complaints on having more wrestling on the shows; instead we still get the items mentioned in #3 on the list and more of it.

Wrestling fans who want to make a difference should stop buying their PPV’s and merchandise, you could stop watching the shows, but if you don’t have a Nielsen machine in your house it really doesn’t matter then. Stop attending the live shows, or if you do attend anyway voice your opinion instead of just looking like you’re bored to be there, and be creative in sneaking in anti whatever signs. The best way to create change in these wrestling companies is cut off their main revenue streams. I used to have WWE 24/7 on my cable box I dropped that shit because it was like buying a CD, one or two good shows and lots of filler material. I told the cable company why I was canceling my subscription and sent a copy of that complaint and cancellation to the WWE.

The Boss and El Gringo are thinking if shit doesn’t change in TNA after Lockdown, that they will not be ordering anymore TNA PPV’s until things do change. We’ve seen nearly the same card for the last few PPV’s, and what’s worse is TNA has performed in the same venue to pretty much the same crowd. Though the fans at the Impact Zone let their voices be heard at the last PPV. We need to see more of that in wrestling especially the WWE, just like the fans in St. Louis during the fake rosie/trump match.

Here are some honorable mentions of things that should go or can’t be changed or stopped.

Women Wrestling - I’m not sexist, but majority of women wrestlers can’t put on a good match. Chances are this will never go away, plus if they got rid of this when are we supposed to go piss during a 2 or 3 hour show.

Formulas - Whether it’s a tag team or a triple threat match. Instead of having the face get their ass kicked most of the match teasing towards that hot tag, they need to change shit up once in a while. Formulas in wrestling have been around forever and will be around even after we’re all dead.

The Roll Up - You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, what happened to finishers. The roll up is fucking weak and way overused. The sunset flip roll up never works either, quit it!

The Chinlock - Ok I threw this in just for kicks, seems to be part of Heel 101 now thanks to Randy Orton.

The Great Khali - I’d like to see him go, but another oversized lug will show up to take his place.

Celebrity Wrestlers - The only time I want to see celebrities wrestle is in Celebrity Death Match. Otherwise the only time a celebrity should actually wrestle on TV or PPV is if they actually can put on a good match. However with Vince McMahon and Vince Russo running the shows this will always happen.

Backstage Politics - This shouldn’t be a part of wrestling because wrestlers shouldn’t be on the booking staff or be able to politic their way for a push. Backstage politics have a harmful effect on wrestling, but unfortunately will never go away.

The Spinner Belt - Do I really have to explain this one? Nope I didn’t think so unless you’re still that stupid fucking child or woman who cheers for John Cena.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my Top 11 things that need to go away or be changed in wrestling for good! Please feel free to submit your feedback by clicking here and scrolling down to the bottom of my profile and filling out the form. I’d like to have a column where I post and respond to your feedback, and what things piss you off in wrestling.

 

TNA Impact Review – 03/22/07
Written By System Crash
TNA says “We Are Wrestling” ha not since Russo has been there! 

Recap of last week’s Impact hyping up the Team Cage vs Team Angle match at Lockdown. 

Borash is backstage with Angle,Joe, and Rhyno talking about them teaming up tonight. Kurt says what you see here is three huge egos.  No, Kurt you’re the one with the ego man. So imagine what would happen if three egos unify, hmm maybe combined they will more ego than Vince McMahon or Hulk Hogan.  Anyway they are part of team angle at Lockdown.   

Don West and Mike Tenay welcomes us to what was a shitty edition of Impact more on that later. They announce tonight’s matches. 

James Storm vs Jerry Lynn for tonight Why ? What the Fuck?Sting/Abyss vs AJ Styles/Cage in a hell froze over tag match? WHAT THE FUCK!!! 

Match 1 – TNA Job Squad vs The Exact Opposite 

Serotonin comes out to do the J.O.B. to Rhyno, Joe, Angle in a how fast can they lose match.  I have a feeling that their entrances will be longer than their match and TNA has short entrances.   

Rhyno and Martyr start out and this match has already gone on longer than I thought.  A stiff belly to belly back suplex onto Kaz.  Joe gets tagged in and Kaz tags in Havoc immediately.  The crowd is chanting for Joe.  A wicked ass atomic drop on Kaz.  Angle, Rhyno, and Joe hit their respective finishers.  Havoc sold the gore very well, but Joe wins with the pin over Martyr. 

Winner:  Joe, Angle, and Rhyno  

Leticia is backstage with Cage and AJ Styles.  AJ is freaking out backstage in a hilarious backstage segment. AJ said the only reason why he agreed to be on his team was because Christian promised him a title shot (well Christian Cage is handing out title shots like Enron was handing out stock options). Christian said if he brings that up again, AJ wont get a shot. AJ said he cant take it back, then they argue back and forth about it and we go to commercial.  

West and Tenay welcome us back from commercial and then we cut to Raven in a BDSM scene with Serotonin.  The candle wax poured onto Martyr, big deal it doesn’t hurt, then again System Crash has been with some freaky bitches. But anyway this segment screams of Russo.  

We get a quick plug for Lockdown, hopefully we get the same vocal crowd that Vince McMahon got when he was St. Louis. Come to think about St. Louis a vocal town. The Riot of the GNR concert in 1991, fake Rosie/Trump match, maybe they will be vocal again.  

JB is in the back with Steve Borden (Sting without the paint) and Chris with a mask.  Steve Borden goes on a religious fit again.  Steve Borden is telling Abyss that he is trying to point in the right direction.  Well the right direction would be to end this fucking feud. Steve Borden takes off his sunglasses and shows the nasty blade job he did on himself at Destination X.  Though the shot he took at the PPV was wicked. Steve Borden said AJ and Cage’s future looks bleak and it will be time for their last rites.  GOD DAMMIT RUSSO! 

Team 3D is in the ring with some foot lockers and they call LAX out to the ring (LAX the one thing TNA hasn’t managed to fuck up). The crowd is cheering for LAX and small LAX chants break up.  Team 3D actually puts over LAX a bit on the mic and admits they have gotten the better of them most of the time. Brother Ray runs down the bad things Team 3D has done and the crowd cheers after Brother Ray mentions throwing an 80 year old woman off a balcony. Brother Ray should never use the word homie again.  Team 3D then talks about earning a legacy in this business, damn right.  Team 3D whips out the WCW, WWE, and ECW tag belts as their legacy.  The crowd with a real EC DUB chant when they whipped out ECW tag belts. At Lockdown Team 3D’s legacy vs the NWA tag titles.  Konnan gets wheeled out by Machete.  Konnan looks sickly but he is finally starting to walk a little bit.  Then Konnan gets on the mic. 

“As far as I’m concerned we don’t care about these belts, they mean nothing to us. Are we supposed to put on these straps and pretend we’re tag team champions of some other organization? We’re already TNA Tag team champions”  <- Purely awesome in my opinion. 

Konnan runs down the matches they beat Team 3D in and says if they want another chance, they have to do it in their kind of match and electrified six sides of steel (that if Russo gave it a name it would be a border jumping on a pole cage match).  Wasn’t the steel cage at Halloween Havoc 89 between Sting/Flair and Muta/Funk in a cage that was electrified? Anyway the crowd was dead for this announcement.   Konnan was about to end his interview with his to live and die in LAX, but Brother Ray flipped him off and said LAX instead of Konnan. 

They cut to a shot with Leticia in Cornette’s office after she was on her knees earlier in the evening.  And Cornette is pissed. 

Wow that was 8 minutes between the commercial breaks and no wrestling. Hmm TNA Is lying to me about saying “we are wrestling” 

A commercial for a program that deals with Goldberg, well fuck him. 

Backlund is in Cornette’s office and wants a match at Lockdown.  Cornette said no he is retired but he can ref the match between Starr and Senshi at Lockdown.  Gee I wonder what this will lead to at Lockdown.   

Eric Young comes out and gets scared by the pyro.  His opponent is Austin Starr and Roode was giving him instructions.   

Match 2: Eric Young vs Austin Starr 

The crowd chants for Eric.  Back and forth action between Starr/Young.  Robert Roode and

Miss
Brooks come out.  Roode is supporting Starr. Starr misses the elbow and Young comes back and Eric Young hits an elbow off the rope.  Ref gets distracted and Roode hits Young with the Northern Lariat then Starr follows up with a brainbuster.  Roode comes in the ring to chew out Young. Petey Williams comes out to save Eric Young. 

Winner: Austin Starr in an ok match. 

Dammit Jerry Lynn is getting interviewed by Borash. 
Lynn proved why he should never be allowed to be on the stick.  The lights go out and Daniels beats up
Lynn. THANK YOU FALLEN ANGEL  – THANK YOU FALLEN ANGEL ! Just hopefully this repackaging of The Fallen Angel has a point.

 

Pirate Chris Harris backstage with Cornette.  Cornette says he and TNA cant take the chance of letting Chris Harris compete with his eye being messed up.  

Match 3 James Storm vs Jerry Lynn 

Lynn is not able to come out because Daniels owned his ass backstage.  Storm grabs the mic and says he is sick and tired of this.  Storm wants to drink beer and beat people up and he is all out of beer.  Out comes the Brokeback Butt Pirate.  A very predictable brawl in the ring between Storm and Harris and Kim and Jackie.  

Match Winner: Not us, impact is shit.   

We’re back from commercial and the crime of gimmick infringement is committed by Jackie with her using the tennis racket on Gail Kim. What a waste of time. 

Abyss/Sting promo. 

Main Event – AJ Styles and Cage vs Sting/Abyss  

AJ and Cage in the battle of the hood.  Sting/Abyss come out and Sting is using a lot of make up on the left side of his face.  The heels jump Sting/Abyss.  I really need to listen to Impact on mute unless Nash is on the mic. Nice dropkick by AJ Styles onto Sting as we go to commercial. Will there be a chinlock? 

Nope no chinlock.  Both Sting and Cage missed their respective splashes onto each other.  Hot Tags and Abyss tries to clean house.Abyss flung Cage into the ring.  Wicked Shock Treatment onto AJ.  AJ saves Cage from the shock treatment.  Sting tags himself in and a cross body onto Cage/Styles.  Abyss/Cage are on the outside, and Mitchell brings out Abyss’s mother WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?  Sting is left to be double teamed by AJ and Cage.  Hell has thawed out now.  Sting is cleaning house and hits the scorpion death lock.  Cage distracts the ref, and AJ was tapping but Steiner comes into hit Sting with a pipe.  What a weak pipe shot too.  

Winner: AJ Styles and Christian Cage 

Steiner, Cage, and AJ Styles stand tall was we fade into adrenaline rush.  

Impact was shit on a fucking pole.  TNA needs to fire Russo and Dutch Mantel. We had better shows when Tenay, Jarrett, and Scott D’Amore were on the booking committee.  Give Cornette the book.  This show was really hard to review since it was just so crappy.

23Log’s ECW: the Re-CRAP

Mar 20, 2007

I’m back this week. And there’s another dead guy.

ECW starts off with the most extreme thing imaginable - Chris Masters. He reminds me of a robot. I’m not sure why. The Robot cuts a promo and apparently our cable hates Masters as it starts to take a shit when they announce the main even of Lashley vs. Masters.

But that’s later. Now, its:

RVD and Sabu vs. MONTY BROWN and Kevin Thorn - winners: New Breed

23Log’s Ranking: Short, but not bad.

RVD/Sabu hit the 420 legdrop for my favorite spot of this match so far, but then we have INSTANT HEEL, just add CHINLOCK (and bake for thirty minutes) from Monty Brown. Not much more of the match than that as the man of many nicknames gets distracted from the outside by Thorn/Ariel, leading to an especially evil looking POOOOOOOUUUUUUNNCCCCCE (?) Nope. The CROSS BODY BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK. Feel it.

Yay, my favorite part of the show so far - God of War II commercial!!! I hope the commercials never end because they said up next it’s Snitsky.

Damn.

Snitsky vs. Mike JobberGuy - winner: fucking Snitsky

23Log’s Ranking: take the other  away. Damn you

This was literally a thirty second squash that ended on a stupid boot. Snitsky needs to lose an inferno match to himself..

Now who’s next in the hall of fame? The Sheik - hardcore pioneer who trained Sabu/RVD. Hell yeah.

Next on the match card, we get-

CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly - winner: CM Punk (thank GOD)

23Log’s Ranking: Was , then went to for Holly being the Instant Easy-Baked Hell and pulling out the chinlock, then to for the god damn interference.

Elijah Burke tried to recruit Punk to the New Breed by having Thorn interfere in this match, helping him win. Punk’s not having it.

Now we get the ECW chicks - nothing is more Extreme than this. Except maybe a DDT on tables. And everything else ever.

Another match! This is more matches than Raw!

Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke

23Log’s Ranking: Again short, but it had to be as they’re cramming 5 “matches” into an hour. This is more wrestling than TNA Impact has had in awhile. How sad is that?

Burke & Dreamer both came to the ring with Stryker & Sandman, respectively. Stryker really needs to put some god damn pants on. Burke wins it with the running Thai knee blast thing to the turnbuckle, which really didn’t look like it should have put a guy like Dreamer down, but that version of Dreamer is long dead.

Tazz is really annoying the shit out of me tonight. Asshole.

Now we get our main event

Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Masters - winner: Lashley

23Log’s Ranking:

The Robot and BlackBerg have a standard big slow ass dude match before Lashley dumps the last bit of dirt on the complete burial of Chris Masters with what wasn’t being called the Dominator but is now. The crowd was not into this match at all. I don’t blame them.

Weak show, just like all these shows are going to be going into Wrestlemania. But no Vince.

Best part of the show: The Sheik was the most hardcore thing that’s been on ECW in forever. And again no Vince.

Who pissed me off this week: There’s TWO. One is Tazz; Not for nu-SHUT UP TOOL!! Two is Masters; remember kids - needles equal pushes. Bet he goes down in a ball of flames for this whole steroid thing.

Mar 19, 2007

Well, we have yet another death to start off the show this week; the death of anyone’s desire to EVER hear the phrase “Battle of the Billionaires” EVER again. Sorry, bad spot for a joke. There really was a death this week - WWE Hall of Famer Arnold Skaaland. FOUR deaths now! I’m not so sure I like starting these reviews with death. The damn intro music & pyros are back this week. I really didn’t miss that song. I heard it on the radio the other day and I was immediately taken to a very dark place. Screw you, Papa Roach, for making me MISS the old music.

This week, we continue to piss away any continuing reason to have a brand extension (other than the fact that with a brand extension, someone else can be a world champion without Cena ever having to drop the title) - it’s Wrestlemania Reversal Night!

DX music hits as D+ (Shawn & God) head to the ring. Apparently we’re starting off with the first match of our reversal thingy - JBL vs. HBK; battle of the acronyms. JBL is out next w/ limo but w/o wrestling gear. Damn it - I figured they wouldn’t bring him out of retirement. Gotta love the WWE - two years ago I wanted JBL to die in a fire, and now I actually MISS the guy because things have been so weak since then. Maybe it’s all part of some plan….

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JBL

JBL’s in the ring and on the mic, bitching about how he had to come all the way here to wrestle because he was told to. NO ONE tells JBL what to do - he’s retired. It’ll be his terms if he comes back. Apparently these weren’t his terms. Strangely, JBL then puts Cena over Michaels, saying he’ll kick Shawn’s ass because Shawn won’t take the shot at him. Bradshaw then calls him an egotistical prick, then they censor the rest of the sentence - I love it when they miss. Basically, the rest of his promo involves putting HBK’s “mind games” over, then cutting him back down by saying that he probably knows he can’t beat Cena and that’s why he won’t backstab him, then ends with him calling HBK “pathetic”. Great promo with great heat on Bradshaw. If he could do one thing right…

Shawn then grabs the stick and says “nuh uhh”. Actually, he says that maybe the “lack of mind games is the best mind game”. Sure. He can and will beat Cena, and then he declares that, like JBL, no one can tell him what do to, including when to hit Sweet Chin Music, which then prompts him to so NOT unpredictably nail JBL with said Sweet Chin Music. Great start to Raw for me; I was actually looking forward to seeing how JBL looked in the ring. I should have known better than to think they wouldn’t hype the ever-loving hell out of Bradshaw’s return. Fuck you very much, Raw.

After the break, they shill the BOTB TWICE in one promo (we’re keeping count tonight), once with a package, once with another stupid-ass “Tale of the Tape”.

Edge is backstage and Orton breaks in, bitching about how he left him hanging at ECW. Edge tells Randy to calm down, but then gets all totally pissed and shit when Orton actually out-heels Edge by telling him that because McMahon was upset that Lashley didn’t get his ass kicked, he made a last-chance battle royal for Edge’s MITB match spot. The score is now Randy 1, Edge 2. I’m out of funny things to say about this angle. They’re both super-cocks trying to out-cock each other.

ANOTHER Masterlock challenge? There has to be a reason for bringing this shit back. They run a quick video package showing the mighty submissions of guys like Super Crazy and Jerry Lawler before we see who’s getting the chance this week: LASHLEY, who according to JR his appearance is “shocking us all”. Only if “us all” are the three people alive that are tuning in to Raw for the first time ever this week. He’s been here every fucking week, Ross. Either way, they start the challenge, with Masters doing the whole “tease it, but then don’t apply it because shit don’t feel right” thing before slapping the back of Lashley’s head. Ok. Bobby then gets up and slaps him back, then we finally get to the god damn hold itself. We’re up to like a minute and Lashley’s fading…..then he all of a sudden BREAKS it. Wow. That whole thing is over - that explains the video package. They are trying SO hard to put Lashley over; burying everyone they can to make people care about this guy, and still very few care. Meanwhile, Masters no longer has the one thing he’s been holding on to since his debut, unless he comes out with the official rulebook on Masterlocks next week and declares that if at any point the Masterlock is broken by an overpushed champion on a resurrected and rotting brand, it is an unofficial breakage and therefore you can still walk around toting that your hold is unbroken. Probably not though - Masters, it was not that much fun while it lasted….

MASTERLOCKS < UNFUCKWITHABLE PUSHES

No wrestling yet….

We DO, however, get another promo for Ashley’s Playboy. Damn it anyway - isn’t this shit supposed to stop after the magazine hits shelves? Anyone who’s curious has already bought the mag or seen the pics online. Who are you shilling this to, exactly? There is a point where the Useless Plastic herself says “The thing I love about this pictorial is that it’s me”. Fucking profound. “It’s me, except the tits. Those weren’t always me”. I say no more - hopefully never again.

They replay the breaking of the Masterlock. You’d think Lashley just won a gold medal or something with the way they’re treating his accomplishment. Amazing how they all expect us to care about Masters and his bogus challenge now that it’s OVER (WHICH, by the way, it had better be, or else no good came from this whole thing).

Now Lashley’s backstage, runs into Vince, BOTB Shill #3, Lashley’s tossed from the building, Vince flirts with Maria, Eugene spills coffee on him, Vince puts him in a match, tells CoachSlave to go find Umaga, Faarooq says “damn”. So much happened here, yet so, SO fucking little…

Short tribute to Arnold Skaaland; old wrestler and great manager. You’re too young to remember this guy.

STILL NO WRESTLING!!!!!

Hey! Wrestling!

LAST CHANCE BATTLE ROYAL FOR FINAL SLOT IN MONEY IN THE BANK:

KENNY DYKSTRA, SHELTON BENJAMIN, CHARLIE HAAS, JOHNNY NITRO, VAL VENIS (?), VISCERA, SUPER CRAZY, RIC FLAIR, CARLITO, AND EDGE.

It’s a standard over-the-top battle royal; in case you morons don’t know how it works, our Lillian replacement for the night drops the knowledge on us. We start with basic battle royal offense, with guys trying in the most ridiculous ways possible to eliminate each other. The whole ring then turns to the 500 pound waste of virtually everything Viscera and gets him the fuck outta town right away. Thank you, ring full of dudes; if he were in a MITB match I would probably just start cutting myself right now.

VISCERA ELIMINATED BY THE WHOLE RING

It’s about this point that Edge rolls under the rope and starts to sell an “injury”. Great…here we go again…back in the ring, nothing of worth has happened yet. You can, however, hear Flair chopping the hell out of someone here and there. Next elimination is Super Crazy, about whom we are reminded that his name is Super Crazy because he’s both Super! and Crazy! I must be a total fucktard; I never caught that.

SUPER CRAZY ELIMINATED BY WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM

We then go to break, which means that when we come back they’re will be noticeably fewer guys in the ring, as this is the rule for ALL TV battle royals. Am I right?

Yep - during the commercials, we saw (did NOT see):

VAL VENIS ELIMINATED BY JOHNNY NITRO (VAL VENIS??!!)

and

CHARLIE HAAS ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Edge is still out selling some injury. Doesn’t anyone remember that he’s just being an asshole? We have another couple eliminations now as Shelton goes for his top-rope vertical leap thing and…

SHELTON BENJAMIN ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

Which is quickly followed up by a top-rope crotching on Kenny, then a chop of doom:

KENNY DYKSTRA ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

and

JOHNNY NITRO ELIMINATED BY CARLITO

Which brings us to the same shit that we’ve seen the last two weeks from these guys; chopping and pointless springboarding abounds. Back & forth between these two until Flair eye pokes Carlito and proves how he pwnes this ring full of n00bs:

CARLITO ELIMINATED BY RIC FLAIR

That makes Ric Flair our winner? Of course not, as Edge is healed from his injury and, to the surprise of maybe six people alive, rolls back in and tosses Flair out on his ass.

RIC FLAIR ELIMINATED BY EDGE

WINNER: EDGE, WHO KEEPS HIS SPOT IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH

BEST PART OF MATCH: Not really anything other than Edge doing a good job fueling his dick fire *insert tired old Lita joke here*

OVERALL: First of all, they really need to create an “Edge Rule” for these battle royals; if you’re outside the ring for more than ten seconds, they start counting your ass out. It was a great heel tactic the first couple times, but it’s a bit silly now and if it happens again, the “over-the-top battle royal” is officially broken until repaired. At this point, you could jump in the ring, roll out, go have a green tea and a fucking bagel and show back up at the end to claim victory. Not cool anymore. Now, as far as the match, I’m unsure what changed here, as well as unsure of the point of this whole thing other than to piss me off when I’m given false hope of either Nitro or Benjamin getting into the match they both would OWN in. It gets one middle thumb because it could have been much worse. Viscera could have won it.

Tonight, we get our first look (first of what will end up way too god damn many looks) at Steve Austin’s “The Condemned”. Prepare to have yet another movie forcefully rammed up your smarky asses.

And, right on cue (as it is 9:56 - Vince o’clock) , here comes McMahon w/ slave and a bunch of guys who bring the barber shit to ringside….next is Umaga vs. Eugene. FORESHADOWING???!!??!?

Vince says the same shit - BOTB Shill #4 - and then introduces UUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGA, with the IC title that I already forgot existed.

UMAGA vs. EUGENE

There’s no point in recapping this one. Umaga most literally squashes Eugene (repeatedly, with his huge savage ass) and then the Thumb. We’re done.

WINNER: UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Eugene getting owned always makes me laugh.

OVERALL: Total and true squash. I’d give it two “fuck yous”, but he squashed Eugene, so I’ll let it slide.

After the match, Vince gets an idea (oh, shit - not another ABORTION angle???!?!?) - he’s going to make an example for Trump by shaving Eugene’s head! Umaga thumbs Eugene one more time before they strap him to the chair and Vince goes wacky with the clippers, butchering his hair before delivering the feared and now surely patented “Billionaire Bitch Slap”. Every time I hear Vince say that I just picture him being dipped in a vat of acid.

They take Eugene to the back to “finish the job” as McMahon declares that he’d shave everyone’s head in this arena bald! Trump drops money, Vince drops HAIRCUTS.

Raw’s the best show on TV.

Back from break, Candace Michelle is in the ring wearing what I can only describe as cut up pajamas. She mentions something about Milena having issues with Playboy cover girls and calls her bitch ass out!!

Milena comes out and says something to the effect of “the only reason you still have a job is because you take off your clothes”. This isn’t news, chica - it’s the WWE. Of COURSE that’s why she still has a job. Then she mentions that Playboy chicks have no talent and that Playboy is beneath her. Candace tosses a burn her way (something about the locker room being beneath her, while backstage only Johnny Nitro laughs) before calling her out to a Bra & Panties match, which prompts Milena to drop skirt and shit all over her argument by agreeing to face her in a match that promotes the god damn opposite of what she’s saying. That’ll settle the fucking score. JR totally taps into Lawler and says “Oh my God! Bra & panties - we’re going to get it on!” as we head to break.

CANDACE MICHELLE VS. MILENA - BRA & PANTIES MATCH

This goes how they all go, friends. We’ll just mention the good parts. Candace pulls off Milena’s skirt first, which totally pisses her off.

Side note: I feel awkward every time JR says the word “panties”. I can’t really explain why.

Now Candace loses her top as the ring gets totally PG-13 with some kinky roll-around-the-ring-half-nekkid shit, before Milena finishes the job by pulling off the half-pants Candace was rocking. That shit is officially settled, bitch - I’ve forced you to show the world only a tiny portion of what you’ve already shown them yourself. Recognize.

WINNER: MILENA

BEST PART OF MATCH: The obvious

OVERALL: The side thumb is for Milena’s butt this week. I’ll give you one guess what the symbolism is there…

We’re not done with the pointlessicity as the Useless Plastic heads to the ring, doing what all chicks do to the winners of Bra & Panties matches - WE ALL WIN as Ashley pulls off Milena’s top for her. She rolls out of the ring, suddenly very modest and self-conscious about showing the world her bra, when on the weekly she practically shows her taint to the entire planet. Big fat whatever.

Shit turns to a substance so sucky that it does not yet exist as this whole fiasco is interrupted by KHALI. Milena takes one more crack at Ashley before she bolts, leaving her in the ring with the Punjabi Pile. He starts choking her ass, before Lawler (?) jumps up from the announce booth to make the save. This results in Lawler being chokebombed and a whole fucking lot of nothing else.

They shill two more matches for the night w/o voice-overs (WOW! WRESTLING!), one being Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton up next.

BOTB Shill #5, as we ask more B-list celebrities about the match. I’m running out of jokes for this whole thing, so I’m just going to say “fuckbeans”.

Re-Todd Grisham is replacing Lawler for the next match. Hardy heads to the ring still selling Khali’s chokebomb from last week; this guy throws himself off 12-foot ladders, but can’t take a bump in the ring from about 2 1/2 feet off the ground? Khali must poison you with suck venom before he drops you or something…anyway, Randy’s heading to the ring all about bid-ness as we skip the pose and pyro and go right to the ring.

JEFF HARDY vs. RANDY ORTON

Back & forth to start out until Randy hits the Bagshitter and begins the feared appendage stomping for a 2-count, which you would think would lead to a chinlock, but actually leads to the “Walls of Chinlock”. Apparently, Randy’s trying something new this week and is actually working on the “injured” part of Jeff Hardy. Edge had better watch out if he goes into MITB with that broken jaw, as Orton will OWN him with his chinlocky goodness.

Hardy gets out and mounts a comeback, hitting the Flippy Twisty I’m Not Sure Which Part Of Me Is Supposed To Hit You In The Wind, before Edge makes his heelish presence known by running out and throwing a ladder in the ring. Orton can’t resist being a bastard and hits Jeff with it, causing the DQ.

WINNER: JEFF HARDY

BEST PART OF MATCH: 100% chinlock free! Holy SHITBALLS!

OVERALL: This match existed solely to add fuel to the fire between Rated RKO. It did that. It did nothing else.

After the match, Edge & Orton have words before Hardy attacks Orton with a Twist of Fate, then sets up the ladder to nail him with the leapfrog legdrop (I always dig that spot). Edge leaves Randy’s ass there and walks away with that smug Edge look on his face. You know the one. Is it weird that I already care more about an Orton/Edge feud than either of the two ‘Mania main events? No it isn’t? Ok.

Up next - the sneak peak at the Condemned…..and it looks like “The Running Man” with Austin. Thanks - I’ll pass. This one, even MO