First of all, RIP Mike Awesome. He unfortunately joins the big Royal Rumble in the sky…may the memory of him as “That 70s Guy” pass along with him. Your Awesome Bombs will be missed, good sir.

Welcome, CircleJerks, to the first of weekly Raw reviews. I’m El Gringo, and I’ll be joining you on this wonderful, fun-filled ride down Mediocre Lane that has been WWE Raw.

Moving right into our show, we open with a recap of (guess what) Vince & Donald Trump and their upcoming Wrestlemania challenge. More proof that the package editors of WWE can make ANYTHING look like you should care. There could be video of two quadriplegic children in electronic chairs fighting over the handicap-accessible space at the front of the movie theatre and these guys can make it seem like the second coming of Bret vs. Shawn.

Leading right from that recap is Vince himself in the ring with a barber’s pole & chair (no Beefcake, however…). He shills the “Battle of the Billionaires” - don’t worry if you missed that epic moment; I’m sure we’ll hear it called as such about six thousand more times between now and ‘Mania. Basically the whole segment is Vince blowing himself mid-ring and trying to make funny ha-ha at the fact that Trump will have his hair cut when he loses. It really is as simple as that, but McMahon does everything he can to kill a hot crowd by taking 10 MINUTES on this segment. I get it. Hair vs. Hair. Fucking A.

This does, however, lead into Vince introducing his “representative” for that match at WM. UMAGA. I told myself I’d stop hating on this guy after the Royal Rumble (where he put on the match of the night with Cena. I know; I didn’t believe it either). At least it’s not Khali. Either, or…Umaga is going to be on Vince’s end, and gives Trump one week to pick his guy. Somewhere around here, JR say something about maybe Donald will be “trumped” at Wrestlemania because of how unstoppable Umaga is.

*insert Vince or Donald here* has been “trumped” = already violently murdered phrase.

Out of the blue, Vince declares that Umaga will soon be a champion, as he has a match tonight for the Intercontinental Championship against Jeff Hardy, whose music hits and we get the standard “drying his wet hands” dance w/ second most useless pyro in pro wrestling (first being James Storm in TNA). Hardy seems to have no problem with the match until he runs into Vince, where he tosses a shitty look his way. Our first match of the evening is next.

UMAGA vs. JEFF HARDY - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Begins with standard Hardy fare, but quickly goes to the land of endless pushing where Umaga starts the seemingly inevitable squash. Random note - Jeff’s looking very rainbow-y this evening; way more so than usual. Drug free. Anyway, after a bit of comeback from Jeff, Umaga hits the running ass of doom and the throat spike to CLEANLY win the IC title. Eh? Ok. I’m figuring that will make sense one day…. This does ensure, however, that there will once again be NO IC title match/feud at WM 23. What does this championship really even mean anyway? It’s so someone can say they’re a champion without ever having to take the strap off Cena. Oh, yeah…

WINNER (AND NEW IC CHAMPION): UMAGA

BEST PART OF MATCH: Hmmm….well, I’d say the clean ending. Umaga didn’t really need the strap, however, as I believe he got plenty over with his mini-feud with Cena. But nice to see it cleanly either way.

OVERALL MATCH SCORE:  Nothing special at all.

We move from here to pimp out stuff on the rest of the show: RVD (wha? Isn’t he on another brand? Why is he here?) vs. Edge in a “Money In The Bank” qualifying match (I think neither one of these dudes should qualify - spread the fucking “money in the bank” around, you assholes) and Cena vs. Orton in a “probably last two big stars we haven’t paired off in a feud yet but we’ll kick it your way in about 8 months and treat it like it never happened at all” match.

Back from the break, we see Mick Foley selling a new book. Awesome: “The Hardcore Diaries”. I’ll read it. So should you - get off the internet and do something constructive.

We are then informed that there will be a Women’s Title match tonight with Mickie James vs. Milena. Reasons why Milena deserves this rematch have yet to be determined.

Yay! Next Match! A tag team match featuring at least one tossed-together team of two singles wrestlers! WWE!

RIC FLAIR & CARLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH (?!)

Well, seeing as how we haven’t seen C & M for a while, you don’t need a fucking spoiler report to know who’s winning tonight. Speaking of our quasi-redneck team, at the beginning of the match JR calls them “an outstanding young team with unlimited potential”. That sounds like one of those bullshit phrases people write on their resumes to make them sound smarter, like “Terrific work ethic with strong desire to succeed” or “Willing to take on all challenges and resolve conflicts in a professional manner”. Whatever. In this case, “unlimited potential” will more than likely fall victim to “lack of a tag team division in which to utilize said potential”. Oh, wait - there’s a match. Not much to report here; Cade hits a very cool-looking one-armed Rock Bottom type move and C & M start off in control over Carlito (who REALLY needs to turn back heel). At one point, Murdoch tries that mind-numbing spot where he goes to the top rope while his opponent’s on his back, then lands the STANDING double axe-handle, but gets mysteriously and surprisingly kicked in the face. I hate that spot. Eventually Flair gets the hot tag, chops and backdrops abounds, which segues nicely into the world’s most elaborate low blow from Flair (which Murdoch sells like he got kicked in the nuts by a spurred boot), tag back to Carlito, Backcracker, you know the rest.

WINNERS: RIC FLAIR & CARLITO

BEST PART OF MATCH: The move Cade hit was pretty neato; it was the only thing I hadn’t seen ten times over from this match.

OVERALL: . Meh. Not shit. Not good.

Random note - no Lillian Garcia tonight. That joker from ECW is ring announcing. I don’t know his name. I don’t think I care…

After the break, we’ll hear from Cena & Michaels regarding their victory as RAW guys over SMACKDOWN guys on a SMACKDOWN-branded PPV (way to put your own shit over - I’m going to blame Teddy Long) that also featured a defense of the ECW title. What the FUCK is the point of the brand extension again? To have a really good reason to do too god damn many PPVs a year? Ah, yes. Silly me. I know I can’t wait for this promo. But I will.

Re-Todd is backstage with our dynamic duo, who pretty much re-hash the Samoa Joe/Kurt Angle storyline from TNA of “We’re enemies so I’ll protect you until our big showdown because I want to beat you at your best”. Fuck that. Kick his fucking kneecap in and you’ll have no trouble getting the belt at Mania, HBK. God would probably hate him for that, though. Anyway, after they play the friends/enemies angle, HBK starts shilling the new DX DVD coming out the 20th. (the “new & improved” DX, as it says on the box. That’s funny - the reformation of DX and the hilarious hijinks to follow were neither “new”, as the first DX was the same two guys, nor “improved”, as I’ve seen enough fat thong guys and tummy chops to last me the next 1000 years. I’m not buying your marketing, bitches, and I’m also not buying this DVD). Speaking of DVDs I’m not going to buy, Cena then tries to one-up Michaels and shills the Marine DVD (which at one point he openly admits to no-selling bullets. No wonder he’s champion. You can’t even shoot the motherfucker - what’s a fucking superkick going to do?). And speaking of fat guys in thongs AND superkicks…..yep.

This leads to Orton & Edge backstage (random side note - for extreme hilarity, if you own the new Smackdown vs. Raw game, go to create a stable, make “Rated RKO”, and give Edge & Orton the “Edge & Lita” entrance set to Edge’s music. You’ll never look at the ol’ “Legend Killer” the same way again - trust me). Some words are spoken and they talk about the rematch they get next week for the tag belts vs. Cena/Michaels in a battle to determine which team the tag championship belts can be the biggest fucking waste on. Tune in.

Next up is RVD vs. Edge in a match that’s probably going to be too good for ECW so they put it on the show people watch.

Speaking of ECW, they promo Tuesday’s main event before the break. Lashley vs. Holly vs. KENNEDY (?). Two things. First - brand extension? Second - I don’t think it’s really that good of a thing to be ECW champion. You have to defend that fucking belt practically once (and sometimes twice) a week against guys from ALL THREE SHOWS, whereas the other two guys pretty much put the belt up once a month, if that. I guess that’s what happens when the championship means pretty much jack shit, though….right? EC-DUB! EC-DUB!

Back from break, they show highlights of previous MITB matches before…..

EDGE vs. ROB VAN DAM: MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING MATCH

Killer match. Crowd very much behind RVD as they go back & forth exchanging some surprisingly good spots (including one where Edge gives RVD a swinging neckbreaker while Rob’s standing on the apron bent over the middle rope with his head in the ring - that’s the best I can describe it). At least twice they mention the “educated feet”. These “Ross-isms” eventually just grate on me. Fruity! Fruity! Skittles! We then come to the spot of the night where Edge plays possum during the Rolling (joints?) Thunder, catches RVD in midair, and gives him a powerslam. Never seen that before - and I am usually unable to say that during Raw. This isn’t the end of the match, however; they continue to hit each other with some great offense, including the split-legged moonsault, which I was near positive RVD forgot how to do. Edge kicks out of this move, which prompts JR to say “that usually does the job for RVD”. When? I seem to recall most RVD matches ending differently. I thought the palsy only fucked up your speech, not your memory….This makes way for the true end of the match, which involves Orton running out and jumping up on the apron only to be kicked in the face/neck region by RVD, but setting him up for the spear.

WINNER: EDGE (who qualifies for the MITB match at 23; which means they’re either breaking HIS streak or he’ll get a pointless rub for a title match that’s he’s already earned ten times over. He shouldn’t be in that match. No one asked me.)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: The whole thing was great, best spot was Edge’s counter to the Rolling Thunder splash.

OVERALL: - strongest Raw match in a while. Even the run-in made sense as it didn’t completely bury RVD nor put Edge over him too strongly.

Slam of the Week is Nitro/Milena vs. Super Crazy/Mickie James from last Thursday. Why? Cause guess what’s next, bitches??!!!??

MILENA vs. MICKIE JAMES: WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH

Oh goody. I think I just heard Lawler get a stiffy. As per usual, Milena looks as if she’s stealing water balloons in her top. Plenty of chick-tastic offense, including some near implant-poppage when Milena hits the floor pretty good. One interesting move had Milena deliver a curb stomp (a la Super Dragon, but with girly hair pulling) to Mickie. Not too many blown spots here, but the ending looked a bit unplanned as we had Mickie trying a top-rope muffeater, being “countered” by Milena, then the clean pinfall to give Milena the women’s championship. Hmmmm.

WINNER (AND NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION): MILENA

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: I’m gonna do the chauvinistic thing and say Mickie’s butt.

OVERALL:  - half-thumb for the title change.

Wrestlemania is “All Grown Up” cause it’s about at the age where your friends get married and start popping out offspring and you realize what a fucking loser YOU still are because you go to wrestling websites and play XBox Live. Or not.

Back from break. Chicks backstage. Todd Grisham gets slapped. That’s that

HIGHLANDERS vs. THE GREAT KHALI (HANDICAP MATCH)

Ok. So the Highlanders have been resurrected only to be killed off again. “Handicap” must refer to the numbskulls who think that Khali is money. Cue the squash fest. It is worth noting that the “hands like frying pans” comparison is once again alive and well with Khali. In case I needed another god damn reason to hate on this guy. He wins, by the way - just in case anyone was truly wondering.

WINNER: KHALI (and NO ONE else in existence)

BEST PART OF THE MATCH: N/A (a three-minute no-sell-fest is not a match)

OVERALL: (see above)

And by the way, MY fucking hands would be big too if I were 7’3”. They’re proportionate. It’s really not that big of a deal, RossKing.

After another break we pointlessly recap the already too-long McMahon segment from earlier. I think the proof was in the numbers a week ago. Trump + Vince = Ratings. Vince = not so much.

We cut to Kenny Dykstra backstage with Jonathan Coachman TOOL, then both being interrupted by Khali, who I think says he wants some competition. He could have also says Cody Banks is a dickwad. Or that he wants some colby jack cheese. Point is that he barely speaks English, friends. Enter Ron Simmons and the funniest recurring joke on TV. HA HA…..sigh…

Yay! Ashley’s on the cover of PLAYBOY! Reveal that cover so NO ONE WILL CARE when the magazine comes out. It’s like buying a Butterfinger bar to eat the wrapper. It merely hints at the goodness inside. Not that shiny plastic tits glued to a too-skinny contest-winning Rawkr Ch!ck are “the goodness”, but I’ll check it out.

Ensuring that this portion of the show remains 100 percent wrestling free, we now cut to Milena bitching about how they didn’t have to waste time on Ashley when we could be wasting it on her some more instead. If this leads to a ‘Mania match between these chicks, two things are assured:

1. It will go on between the main event to ensure the crowd is fully killed before the last match.

2. It will lick major balls. If only….

Newest HOF inductee: Mr. Perfect. Fuck yes.

Cena’s headed to the ring for our main event. It’s 10:41; plenty of time for a decent match. We’ll see…

Last break leads us to….

JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON (NON-TITLE - this isn’t ECW, y’know..)

They’ve cut the pyro budget on Randy’s “giant invisible beach ball” pose - and boy does he look lost without it.

CENA REACTION REPORT: Chicks, but loud chicks

I was really hoping that with two belts he’d have to give up doing that retarded salute, but now he just wears the abomination. Drat.

Standard fare from these two. JR calls Cena’s kinda-fisherman-suplex a “modified Perfect-plex”. That would make it a fisherman’s suplex. Please don’t compare Cena to Perfect. We see the “S vs. R 2007” early 2 count and some “angry Randy faces” as he gets a chair building the suspense as we go to the last break…..

….only to return and see Cena trapped in a chinlock. Wow. There is a hilarious spot worth noting post-chinlock where Orton actually DUCKS Cena’s mighty shoulderblock (and first of the five moves of DOOM)….then he loses all the cool points he just earned by going back to the fucking chinlock for 2 minutes. Cena literally hulks up out of if (he’s been champ nearly non-stop for two years - he probably has caught some minor Hogan-itis) and kicks off the inevitable Doom moves, but the F-U is thwarted by Randy’s dastardly heelish ways, who then hits that backbreaker thingy (which I’m going to dub the “bagshitter”). Orton alerts the world that he’s sneaking behind Cena for an RKO, which of course is blocked….leading to the attempted F-U, the anticipated main-event run-in from Edge, and the inevitable DQ follows.

WINNER: EVERYONE AND NO ONE

BEST PART OF MATCH: Orton’s no-sell of Cena’s shoulderblock (and Cena’s full commitment to finishing the follow-through)

OVERALL:  - If you’ve seen either guy wrestle, you’ve seen this match. Run-in was about as unexpected as a fucking hurricane. I was harder on this match than the earlier ones ’cause these guys (and co.) are pretty much THE SHOW right now.

BUT WAIT! It’s not over as Edge/Orton get chairs, cue HBK, chairshots abounds, faces rule! Yay! Show ends with HBK teasing like he’s going to jump Cena, and letting everyone down when those fucking morals take over and he just stands there.

I just realized that they didn’t do the usual post-PPV “order the encore for FULL PRICE even though you know how EVERYTHING ends!!” shill. I’d love to see the buyrates for those encores…

OVERALL SHOW RATING: (overall - NOT a match average). We saw two title changes (albeit questionable ones) and the entire show was 100% BULLSHIT SCHOOLBOY ROLLUP FREE!!!! But otherwise it was barely above standard fare, so it gets a barely above standard grade.

See ya’ll next week!